Tired, fragile thing,
Attached to destruction,
And you’re lusting after hurt,
Throwing away composure for turbulence,
Why are you after everyone?
Desperate for affection, gathered in masses

You told me the world was coming,
The prophets couldn’t read me like you,
And I saw what I felt but it wasn’t near enough,
And all the opposites occur,
Found myself in the middle,
Without the strength to give this unnerving speech,
Unrequited love, it’s not just me that’s amiss,
I’m catching the fallen hearts,
I don’t want the burden anymore,
I want this to be real, I’m tired of misconceiving how they feel,
Misdirected my way, they come
never too sure who to count in,
it’s too tragic to be true,
but I’ve been fighting to get through to you,
waiting gets so tedious, I’m unaware and it’s ridiculous,
how can it be gone, how can feelings fade,
when mine have stayed so long,
was it ever there,
could you just be scared?
this trilogy of intricacies,
why must I abide,
these incoherent rules,
I’ve been run out and into the ground,
now I won’t be turning back around,
I should have known better than to believe,
Everything happens the way it’s supposed to.

an excuse,
with words you disguise what i interpret as truth,
are you half joking?
i'll claim your humor and you mistake mine,
how could i be involved,
this line i cross,
must be treason, betrayal, deceit,
always the person you love most,
represented purity,
a quiet lie,
this is how i wilt,
the arise of weakness,
harm without intent,
how could i forgive devious indulgence,
if it weren't mine,
let the blood rush to my head.

In the eyes you used to see me through,
Maybe I get a little confused,
It won’t last,
Don’t get so uneasy,
when you see me walking past,
down hallways that exist in your mind,
I have to relive so I don’t forget,
Could be a sign,
You were meant to be mine,
I wish my heart to stone,
I’m bored debating the politics of being alone,
I’ll let you draw the conclusion on your own,
I promise I’ll stop saying how I miss you,
It seems to have lost it’s charms too,
It’s always me finding you,
But I’m leaving it,
Bittersweet endings,
You never heard of.
~You weren’t aware,
I could never find nerve to speak it,
So I keep it unspoken,
Let you go on unknowing,
Chemicals leaking,
Feelings i’m not dealing with anymore,
It’s better to be oblivious,
You don’t know how much trouble I’d be saving,
Tell me different, what would the option bring?

It was vague, you were there,
you were blurred in visions of heat,
it was a moment captured long ago,
came to revisit from my memory,
in this sudden haze you had me,
taken quickly I was high off the amazement hidden in your lips,
You speak to me on a new level,
as if I had dissipated,
fallen closer as a friend,
somewhere deep in my mind at night,
you transcend,
I know what you're after,
everything alters with seasons come and gone,
never will I fully let you go,
And you cross my mind, time to time,
but you've made a home here,
you keep quiet, arising sometimes,
I can never quite make up my mind,
do you leave your door open for me,
If I crawled in would you take me honestly,
But i'm aware reasons behind,
why i'm not beside you now,
they seem so unclear.

Do you wait for me to slowly melt,
into an unpleasant human condition,
so you can find some fault in me,
I was never perfect, it's obvious,
why don't you love me anyway!
I suppose i've carried on too long,
why am I still thinking it could be true,
we'd never stand a chance,
I will falter and you will fall,
have you grown so sturdy,
you tower over me,
i'm here,
i'm the one waiting for you to come around,
funny how positions flip,
I haven't yet decided, it's taken me years to get here,
to reach uncertainty,
beaten in the back of my mind,
this jury can't agree,
i'll always want you,
and to run from you,
what scares me?
do you know?
you can read my mind,
and I know yours better than my own,
you're desperate and loathing,
i'm just bitter,
let's connect!
we could destroy the world with intellect,
I don't want to cause harm,
but maybe you can offer me damage this time,
I'll admit I miss you tonight,
what was my reason,
so irrelevant now,
how could you forgive me so easily?
so cold, so cruel, so ignorant back then.
~A slight longing for the past,
the nights I was falling over,
but you were contagious, I couldn't resist,
the first true person,
embeded with my trust,
the first I want to turn to still,
all these things that live and breathe inside me,
why did I lose the moment,
was I right?
why am I still second guessing?
should I try to mend this,
would you even want me?
long after the picture faded,
silent with the sound of heavy rain,
and your kisses,
that summer night.

the accused cannot be held,
for innocence grips behind,
i'm always guilty to you,
you never rest until you know,
every word exchanged,
what's wrong with wanting more,
if it's all in my head,
there's nothing coming,
i'm sinking underneath,
where's the one to pull me from destruction?
was I the reason, I know i'm not,
it's just imagination,
with the idea set,
why is he silent?
actionless,
after he speaks curiosity,
wait, is it my turn to take the reigns?

Should have kept the words inside,
Now you follow my every reverie,
As if it’s full of important memory,
All things I think and feel,
Every emotion I deemed real,
You take it deep within you,
To believe my false interior,
I warned you,
But it sounds too close to truth,
Twisted with desire and wicked deception,
I aim for destruction,
Unconsciously, the ruins trail
Corroding everything I wanted to last,
why do I devise these plans to entice?
All laughter ends in desolation,
Never am I allied with censure,
I didn’t mean to let you break,
I must have been made to be alone,
Cannot let one get by,
These resilient walls,
Assembled to attack,
Constructed to protect,
Have I grown to be this way?
The heavy haunting in my head,
My heart,
You know the laceration,
I think that I’ve lost you,
But I never belonged to you,
Did you engrave it in me to set astray?
Maybe I’m just running,
Did you teach me to conceal til I collapse?
As if an empty lesson could be contained,
Should I be condemned for the mold you left for me.
It’s hard to forgive when I don’t have the answer,
And I’m too afraid to ask.

jumped the imminent gun,
it was bound anyway,
but if you could change,
if i could transform,
maybe happiness could override,
i am one for derision,
fixed my back against foray,
slippery words sliced between,
lips hidden but revealed unapprised,
the implication reigns,
a constant worry I could live without,
mark me selfish,
mark me unjust,
I would have tried for you,
I was not built to bend,
unforeseen constraint,
apology without repentance,
cast your judgement,
mark me mistaken,
mark me iniquitous,
cannot say i'm appeased,
misplaced attempt to convince,
worthy of delay.

They’re crawling on my skin,
Invading my security,
and warmth I’ve felt within,
Losing my place in stability,
indecision over our demise,
have you gotten further behind?
What you want I can’t give you,
So what makes you stay?
Have I become a opportune diversion?
Is it dying as fast as it began?
There’s not enough of me to suit your needs,
Could you prove me wrong?
Would you say you’d live without it just as long,
I can’t resurrect wounds that never healed,
Awkward exposure I must to evade,
you want to liberate me,
But I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,
How have you made it this far?
Won’t be long before you’re turning back,
If I could have you without obstruction,
if you’d be willing to sacrifice,
No one could make me change my mind.

I can read the disappointment in your face,
Surfaced and hung heavy in your eyes,
We can still cross that line,
When it comes down to due time,
An uncertain hesitation,
But I want to forget my fears for you,
How can I give you nothing in return,
I feel so demanding,
How can I show you I’m grateful?
How can I keep you here,
This is how I let go,
I don’t know how to say,
You mean this much,
Are my actions amiss?
I’ll never understand,
Why I find it so hard,
Can you linger through it,
Until I find my way,
How far can we go
Without losing you,
Without losing myself,
Arrantly vital to you,
I just wish it didn’t subsist,
As if discretion could be followed,
I will dissenter in the end,
Longing to offer what I can’t impart.

The longer I wait
The less I believe those benevolent words,
Is this a test?
Sorry I’m not as structured as the rest,
I live concealed,
I hide the best I can,
if you don’t chase me, I won’t return,
it’s not to say I don’t feel the same,
as if my effort weren’t little enough,
you were on an elevated level,
so why should I try,
if I’ve never been good enough to suit you,
you may say a modest otherwise,
but you can’t view this through my eyes,
Do I deserve the elated state I disguise?
Can’t you see I’m separating?
My decadence released,
I’m struggling, but what for?
Neurotic illusions,
Only demise can arise when perfection is present,
I doubt the trust you lay before me,
If you cared that much would I know it?
I feel ashamed burning time much too quickly,
your euphoric eminence inculcates,
how could I learn to erase your essence.

the art is in his voice,
where he sings so gracefully,
folds me in sweetly,
and I stand capsized,
drawn into his world,
where it is only I and the sound,
all distractions cease,
I follow with an eager heart,
all directions commanded,
like a sleepwalker inside a utopian dream,
trapped but I never want to leave,
new tattooed part of me,
I am his addition,
the darkness has faded,
flood of brilliant light,
his wisdom and elegance,
a match for me to make,
while they fall apart, he falls together,
his beautiful transition,
in the wake of my eyes,
skin i'll never touch,
absence of flaw in his design,
the radiance I feel.

how ungrateful you've grown,
in such high regard i held you,
now you've tripped over swollen pride,
I hate the transformation,
the things you said you'd never be,
all just bullshit that you kept feeding me,
i'm taking the time to remind,
that the lustre inside you has died,
I saw you fade, felt you fold,
you're dancing on disgrace,
lost warmth within your face,
a shame to lose someone who meant so much.

Thought I’d never see such a vile glow,
And it struck like a hurricane blow,
it was present but it was my own,
an abysmal self creation,
what happened to my absolute dedication,
a shattering silence infusing the room,
piercing our hearts far too soon,
rolled back to the beginning,
this time hoping to collect the winning,
your universal generosity,
a parallel to my perspective,
if I could give a little more,
your candor conflicts my independence,
you’ve ended my life’s penury,
I expect your words to be full of meaning,
Will not allay false assurance,
Say straight what you portend,
Don’t make me retreat to my defense,
Never a reason to retract into refuge,
Are we ephemeral, can we transcend?
Overrun with alacrity,
Do not arise in vagary,
Conversion to my recidivist form,
Labeled laconic,
that’s who I’ve always been,
a series of sinuosity,
your beguilement remains ubiquitous,
reach me while I’m isolated,
watch my belied emotion decant,
I will repress the fallaciousness inside,
And fight for our fortitude.

From the initial sting,
You had this plan,
How suave and smoothly you’d take me,
Whisk me from existence as I knew it,
Lock me in and then unravel yourself,
Show me your unexpected nature,
Fall in line with the rest,
Trick me into short lived bliss,
Surreal spontaneity used only to get through to me,
Are you doing this for yourself?
Make me feel what you think I want to feel,
Nourish words that can’t be real,
I’m tired of the same old careless ways
You appeared to be an exception,
but I was fooled into trusting you,
how can I rely on a striking façade?
All along I thought you weren’t getting to me,
That I’d shrug off any careless actions,
But I’ve discovered I was wrong,
The dark skies are rolling in,
And where are you to greet them with me?
How hard can it be,
to keep arrangements you made with me?

Watching the water,
Waiting for what’s harder,
Didn’t want to miss out on good things,
Waiting for what’s to come,
What’s next to discover,
Curiosity catching hold,
Where will you take me?
Suspended in your arms,
Held up,
Used by the light in your eyes,
Maybe I won’t mind,
Will I linger for longer?
More than “I’ve been here before”
Seems apparent, evident in my skin,
Just a little fierce and with slight fear,
I will detach from obstruction,
Would you lie to keep me here?
Can you wait as long as it takes to get there?
Lavished saccharine acclaims
My essence: raw and innocent,
Can I contend?
Dulcet compliance.

How can I learn to be carefree?
Still and not struggle,
A stare that cannot break,
How it feels to fall fast,
With speed agile,
Sets me uneased,
I don’t want to surrender,
I fear you won’t be there when I wake,
How did I become someone,
You chose to adore,
I never imagined you’d grow more divine
Than at first glance,
So many confessions,
Innocent professions,
I’d answer only for you,
I’m at home, I’m myself with you,
Tell me everything there is to gather,
It’s clearer this time,
So much simpler this time,
I’d like to stay just like this,
Lay in the weight of your selfless kiss,
Untouchable, wrapped in this moment,
Just as we are,
As close to perfection as we can attain.

Good to know it was good for nothing,
Since when has a solid effort meant,
When we’d come all this way,
Thought support would be appreciated,
You’re making it not enough,
It ceases to be,
Anything in relation to me,
But it’s always a different story,
Tell me your side, it wins flawlessly,
You imply that I have nothing,
Nothing in comparison to you,
Only shallow opulence,
you own and display,
you’re too ahead to care to see behind,
that’s where you’ll find me.

in a new state,
a fresh development,
can you bear it, can you stand it?
close your eyes if you don't like what you see,
it will remain, it will never go away,
for once i'm taken much too sweetly,
what makes this different from times before?
you shone and you were glorious,
now you're set to destroy,
unconsciously swathed in envy,
how can I revive your precedent glow,
the one in which we savored untouchable memories.
am I stealing the light you wanted for yourself?
I can't suppress what can't be found again,
could we compromise, slip with a concession?
this is the first and I pray the last,
so now are you convinced of our value?
dismissing as lies, all the truths I bestow,
All I crave is the paradise of our past.

Still Unfinished...

what's left to unfold?
perhaps fall apart and fall away,
lessen the effort,
leave it unresolved and awaiting closure.
will it ever reach down to you?
what's the easiest path to access,
enrapt in the mirror,
unfurling new complexity,
may an ease creep into your sleep.
choosing to keep your misery for mystery.
is it enough to suffice?
replace the trace of happiness......

Is it supposed to be this easy?
makes me wonder why I ever settled before,
the first sincerity I believe,
an honest voice,
to divulge to a trusted soul,
no one's ever tried to know me like you have,
how did such sweet conditions find me?
it all fell together effortlessly,
am I doing the right thing?
seeking ways to break this complacent state,
a chance to ruin my elated tenure,
would I take it?
should these thoughts run me weary,
as they settle themselves in a lucid light,
I welcome you into the weakest part,
I hope I draw close to your ideals,
I fear that I will fall behind,
get lost in a digressing occasion,
when I hesitate will you dissuade me from giving until there's nothing left,
is your patience refined,
polished for my fresh attempt,
have you constructed an image of my existence,
with the history and words I offer,
do you know me now, what have you found?
who have I grown into?

seeing what i looked from so far up so close,
the picture paints itself more divine,
is it fooling me?
is this a conspiracy, can it be real?
feels like I never missed a day,
even if I found the words to describe,
could I use them to their best?
loneliness & emptiness has dispersed,
what's left for me to use?
i'm heading back to where i belong,
but will you come along?

this is the way your heart speaks to me,
all the right things you've learned before,
refreshing to find a face you can trust,
a gentle soul,
and my ridiculous grin won't win me anything,
a level of comfort that never existed present,
streams of stories while happiness found a place inside me,
an unexplainable bliss, first rush i've felt like this,
the formation of an idea you won't change on me,
what more is there to say.

This one's a little dedication to someone ...

You may see me as I see you
But instead of you seeing me, I see right through you
In this room with a two-tone view
You make it so easy to terrorize you
You reflect and retract
Retreat when I attack
Too cowardly to offer explanation
And instead reply with agitation
What are you running from?

I’m sure you had good grounds,
To keep me from being around,
It didn’t seem rational back then,
But I won’t be found back there again,
Risen above my irate state.

Funny to look into the past
To figure out what made me want us to last,
Doesn’t make sense anymore,
For graceful adoration, this time I implore,
You search for standards you’ll never attain,
Painting your exterior to mask uncertain pain,
What is it that eats away at you?

You give yourself away in your transparent armor,
Concealed in sheep’s clothing as a dissolute charmer,
It doesn’t embody the person I thought you’d be,
I can’t help but worry, that’s just the nature of me,
Always appears you’re hiding something,
Maybe it’s not worth it’s losing everything,
i just hope you’re happy someday,

how complicated your life looks to be,
am I exaggerating the extent of your misery?
Less mystery after once seen,
You can’t expect forgiveness if you don’t come clean,
I just want to know why you act this way,
I’m not the only one who sees it, think what you may.
Even if I offered my solace, you would turn me away,
I hope there’s a contented light about you one day.

~*~

And you typed out the sweetest things
the entire song and it’s contents,
how you felt,
how I felt too,
and it all melted away,
I can’t seem to pass it,
I’m caught in the breaking, still frozen,
Paralyzed by the end of the surprise,
I can’t believe it’s come to this,
I only listen to the songs that describe you,
And how I feel,
How you used to feel,
I hate to see the confirmation coming,
Must’ve forgotten what I look like,
You haven’t seen the change,
This time there’s no room for improvement,
Why am I running, pretending it never happened,
As if my pace quickening kills the sound,
You’re sending me somewhere I can’t stand to be,
So much for the truth, now who’s insecure,
No one’s ever turned me into this,
Needing never wanting more,
How endless you appear,
I’m sorry for the damage,
It’s only fair I take the fall this time,
You stopped me when I thought I was right,
And you’ve lost your compassion,
Again and again,
You’re the ghost of my conception,
All this trouble I’ve caused,
It cost me you,
and how you felt,
And how I’ll always feel.

Don’t expect anything from me,
I won’t warn you before I leave,
And when I’m gone I won’t think of you,
Keep my head looking forward,
You will stay where I left my defeats,
As far as I’m concerned,
I kept the promise I made,
5 days until I can breathe,
without your insensitivity,
past your pale pollution,
I thought you’d separate yourself from the rest,
But you proved me so wrong,
I vow to be the one who you let get away,
And I travel so far while you wonder who you are,
Find yourself incomplete in my absence,
There will be no disarming captivity,
I was a fool to my own judgment,
But I won’t be beaten by your successions,
Why should I accept your irreverence?
How can you hold so much distaste,
for someone you once claimed to love,
confused by flirtatious invitations you were sending,
and you become so detached from our conversation,
finally you justify your answer I didn’t want to hear,
delegating the dissonant lapse unto me,
you’re so thick you’re not worth the dereliction.

Would you still care
If our goodbyes were said yesterday
I can promise you this time
If I show you how remorse fills my veins
And how the darkness enfolds me
Would it change your mind
I’m tripping into every black hole
You choose to disregard what you see of me,
This lengthy despair you’ve set in stone,
I can’t evade,
But are you unguarded inside?
Do I break right through?
Do you stand by those fierce words you preach?
Why has everything evolved around you,
Swallowing my world and displacing it with your own,
I can’t elude your soft face and playful smile,
It’s the worst thing for me,
I’ll never heal without you.

I hate to admit,
And it’s gone but I still need it,
The lyrics describe it seamlessly,
“Our love was comfortable and so broken in”,
you never said you didn’t still feel the same,
I’m too afraid to ask,
Why am I dwelling on the chance?
I should have moved on,
But I’m certainly unsure,
I wish it wasn’t so calloused,
This art I’ve created,
Of losing and then penitence,
Initiation is a task you avoid altogether,
I’ll let you go as soon as my loneliness subsides.

Slowly burning in my own hell,
Wish I had someone to assist in my escape,
The future is dim and littered with contusions,
All the good is beyond many sunsets,
Never nearing the ending,
Reminders of my useless absorption,
How it looks from the outside,
Avarice, an understatement,
My every want is handed to me with no complication,
This isn’t me,
Circumstances are essential,
An unfair affair,
Guilt overwhelms me,
Seeing the likes of repentance for ridiculous matters,
Why generate shame for every object bestowed to me,
Such a burden I’ve suddenly become,
An unjust judgment to which I am indignant.

all i feel,
i am hollowed,
an empty vessel set out to find you,
what's taking so long?
a regression to the beginning,
sometimes it's hard to take the truth,
another loss to suffer through,
i'd like to think my luck's finally changing,
but still the same scenery seen,
bring back vitality from it's long hibernation,
falling into the extent of only endings,
the outlook isn't promising.

what made you say those things,
so out of the blue,
while you chase the room,
staring at your own reflection,
and all the pretty faces,
how am i supposed to take you seriously?
you & your wandering eyes,
i see you for what you really are,
so please stop trying,
the effort is a waste of your precious time,
it's to what you're bound by blood that i adore,
perilously poised,
you think your charm cannot be resisted,
an explanation you waited too long to release,
why now?
your sudden delayed honesty,
i sense you know better,
you pursue what you find,
naive vulnerability,
assured you can steal a weakened heart,
you appear to hold so much wreckage,
i don't know the truth to your character,
why do you act as you do,
following what loathed you've grown used to,
where's your will to change?

Here's a nice little Valentine's Day poem for ya!!!

There were roses in my mind,
But you had died,
Today was just another day,
Like all the others,
over years and landscapes,
pretty things that were deceitful,
in between I lost easily,
not so quickly regained,
my balance is faltering,
thinking how far away you seem,
as long as I keep my eyes on the road,
didn’t want to lose my place in oblivion,
Opulent with lacking prevalence,
Who will be the next to come,
No one appears to possess the proper nerve,
I’m just a spectator in this round,
It’s been running dry ever since it began,
A fatigued heart lies futile,
would it save my existence to know,
to hear the words I’ve chosen for you to speak,
a home for unattainable broken reminders,
every day is just another excuse to render you alive.

Taking control,
A restoring energy,
Thrown into a means to better myself,
Soon you won’t recognize who I am,
A new reflection to please,
This is for me,
Inspired by scenes I wish to attain,
I can’t wait to see surprised wide eyes,
It’s all been done before,
I won’t be an exception,
It starts inside,
An added radiance to my exterior,
Cut loose from the past,
Tonight holds a different meaning,
I refuse to settle for anything less,
All your games have been retired,
I will tell you exactly what I think of you,
Everything you wish to ask,
I’ve always been on your side,
I’ve played your breed of pretend for much too long,
You live in a world of dreams,
It’s time to come down,
Can you last or will you wilt?
Strife only makes me stronger,
So do your worst.

Feeling your presence surrounding me
Your warmth behind me
Trying to sway with you
Wishing you a little closer
Until distance disappears
What I put away resurfaced to find me
Rosy with temptation
If I could persuade your lips
An embrace bursting bliss
Always close to something
Never leading me quite near enough
Every visible indication lies
I’m so unsure
I want to see beneath your emotive eyes
Answer your questions of curiosity
i’d promise you the skies would never fold,
under pressing steps of heavy feet,
only to hear your intense professing,
you're everything i've been searching for.

these things you've shown me,
i do carry them with me,
everywhere i'm seeing,
what i should have,
in red and blue,
i wish i could give to you,
all i have to last are memories,
are you listening to the sound,
my world crashing,
i guess you've changed but i remained the same,
seeing the beauty within the circumstances,
one day you will recognize the light,
that dawned on us,
we were untouchable and sturdy,
i'm sorry i got scared,
such a short ride to reality,
don't let me fall alone,
i know you're smarter than you seem,
i want the safety of your love,
how can i acquire what i came for,
you're not willing,
my hands are unwelcome,
how could i?
use this selfish deviance,
i demand your confession,
how much you've been holding back ,
unleash the passion you've built up for me.

Maybe I can start another life,
I told you what I came to say,
I thought I couldn’t be brought down,
Always imagined you’d be an easy one to catch,
You’d be there for me when I was ready,
But you informed I was too late,
Had it in the back of my mind,
But I didn’t want it to be true,
I’ve lived without you,
I didn’t want to continue alone,
You’re a strong believer,
everything happens for a reason,
I disagree,
Now I feel I delved too far,
Gave myself away without delay,
Can I put an end to missing you?
I could use some good news,
On this bitter day,
I turned another year older, and I feel 85,
Everything should be glowing,
but all I feel is what I’ve lost and what I’m longing for,
I finally know what I want,
And it’s so far out of reach,
Maybe I don’t like who you’ve changed into,
But it doesn’t affect the amount I’ve felt for you,
I hope my words rest you assure,
time without end, undying I cared.

Why has it taken so long,
To feel like you were ever there,
I’m just as frightened as I’ve always been,
I don’t know who you are,
must have been my mistake,
never had the nerve to speak,
to tell you that I feared you most,
Never felt like I could ask you anything,
I used to blame you for my struggling,
There’s so much confusion,
All I am is another expense,
An occasional obligation,
Unaware of my substance,
any abilities I bear,
The leak in my composure,
The damage you’ve built within me,
Moments like this when I break,
You’re a stranger,
a thief to my affection,
When I’m so far it’s easy to forget,
“I love you” voided,
your distaste for the word,
only your face is familiar,
you’re an empty vessel,
I take with me only angry words to remember,
I am the bind to a life you left behind,
You taught me how to accuse,
How to run from everything that matters,
To disguise this embittered hole.

And I should watch my mouth,
Wash it of all the things I say,
Without being careful, I am hurtful,
I don’t mean to cause your tears,
You have a way of making me feel so guilty,
Countless efforts I endure to for you to avoid,
But you disregard all I lay before you,
The first to put my defensives up,
The last to let them down,
I have nothing to hide,
But in you I cannot confide,
Wounds even I could never understand,
Have gracefully grown with me,
But still this happiness inside me I carry,
In my darkest moments you pry into my mind,
Hoping to withdraw this irate poison,
But behind it I am frail,
Pulling myself in all directions,
Offering solace, all I can give,
Its my corrosion,
You never retire from your efforts to salvage,
Despite their unremitting failure,
Set your exertions to rest,
You can’t destroy my demons.

This place I hate
How I can’t do anything
Even in my own space,
Trying to mold me into another you,
I’m not like you, I’ll never conform,
Close my eyes and in the darkness
I can flee from your interrogation,
Think without hearing your opinion,
I never asked to hear it,
So leave me alone,
Every minute there’s silence, you’re invading,
All the words I say slip through your mind,
Lost somewhere, why can’t you listen?
Living isn’t easy when you’re always on my back,
What gave you reason not to trust,
Or the notion that I can’t think for myself,
Are my decisions to your revulsion?
this life does not belong to you,
you can’t live again through me,
there’s no sense in telling me,
my goals, my dreams, who I should be,
it’s a fictitious understanding,
I won’t measure up to your expectations,
I won’t even bother to try.

You’re waving wildly and you’re frantic,
How can I fall when my heart is retracting,
I thought I could, I was sure I would,
Burning my tongue while I think about you,
Wishing that all things were simple,
I just want to sleep until this ends,
Never mean to hurt anyone,
Always works out that everyone’s alone,
I’m sorry I can’t be that person,
Spilling lies, convince reality to part,
Doomed to skip the highs of life,
I believe I’m cursed,
I know your intentions were sincere,
But suddenly the room grew crowded,
I choked on your incursion,
You tell me all these things you think I am,
I’m not sure you know what really rests inside,
Forget my face, obliterate my eyes,
It’s been done before,
You could never love someone as severed as I,
Embedded in my mind, scenes I’ll never see through,
I write the words I feel, do they ever feel them too?
It’s a sadistic cycle,
Where’s your expressive side?
This gift I exude, an attempt to defy,
Each too spineless to respond.

An abrupt secret slipped,
Wasn’t quite surprised,
Pushed to the back of my mind and it was gone,
Away from sight until you appeared,
I laughed off the accused,
But I kept truth to myself,
A smile inside when you were near,
Knowing how silent it should be,
Even as I felt it, knew it would devastate,
You can’t be right for me,
Even if I sense it,
It would decay,
Damaged hearts stay,
I could never wound you that way,

I want to be the one,
to preclude your obliteration,
laying beside you,
wishing you’d be the first to move,
how would I assess it,
if it’s the last thing I need,
but pungently longed for,

why does this exist?
Bounded by your emitting heat.
Readily weakened into submission
But inhibition always follows,
Can’t see past what keeps me hesitating.

i can see when you're talking,
and you look at me,
there's no one else,
how can i imagine you this way?
never believed i could see you in such a soft light,
scent of you behind me,
hard to admit, is this what i want,
so strange, so peculiar,
i can feel within my skin,
i'm going to run,
i don't want to ruin you,
leave you wondering if i'm ever coming back,
when i want to be alone,
i want you with me,
if i gave in,
fear would shake me,
it wouldn't be long until you've found i'd gone,
you're the one person i can't do this to,
how did i find this feeling inside?

free to choose,
where have my options gone?
can't make a simple decision,
always consequences to pay,
don't wish to base the answer,
around you,
how can i keep what i can't grasp?
i am different, and i am quite myself,
why do i crave to become,
everything so out of reach,
i offered you my hand, so subtle,
you refuse, you lose, i'm through,
climbing backwards to where the revelation hit me,
i can't retrace what we've had,
it's only me now,
i've been distracted from fixation.

I think this is the first time I’ve really opened my eyes,
Felt pain, felt beauty,
Have I told you I loved you today,
It might be the only time I’ll ever mean it
Recognizing everything I’m capable of,
I’ve never needed someone else to make me whole,
Appreciating my mistakes and who I’ve become,
Excusing my imperfections, satisfying voids with delight
smiling in pure bliss,
Finally I’ve created my own happiness.

What do you ask of me?
with those pleading eyes,
reaching for something,
i am unaware,
i let you reveal my place,
i had too much to put behind me,
aches to measure your intentions,
unfinished embrace,
will it ever mark a fresh beginning?
how long after lights fade,
i remain a wanton guise,
you decide what days i'm good enough for you,
even when i put my pride on the line,
you can't make up your mind,
branded yours,
i don't want to fight,
cry for me at your convenience,
take me from these haunted reveries,
i can't hold my life for you.

think you can win me over with your delicate charm?
i will hide behind my harsh words spoken,
i may have been a fool for you,
there's no such thing as a second chance,
insight into your head games,
i've gained everything i need to see through your false innocence,
can't believe i offered something so good to someone so undeserving,
what do you have to say in your defense?
i'll never see what i used to
inside you there's nothing,
it's easy to forgive when there's no emotion behind these walls,
so sorry that it took this long,
don't confuse my kindness with affection,
there's no longing in my heart,
keep your assumptions beneath the earth's surface,
the last thing i want to hear,
is your voice whispering my name.

You look better than I remember,
envisioned in my suspicion,
now in this frenzied state,
i am eager to catch you,
the ghost of your kiss, my motivation.
how easily can you be caught?
how could i forget,
such a succulent gesture,
you have me relentlessly,
on the edge of my seat,
have you found someone now?

I'm making all the moves,
but will it be worth it in the end?

i can't hide these raging seas,
itching to be released unto you,
the heat inching towards escape,

can you handle these explosive emotions?
been bottled up for too long,
are you strong enough to be there?
when my surface shakes and shatters,

are you only full of meaningless words,
empty implications,
you sound so enthused,
am i simply seeing what i choose to see,
disregarding what you're doing to me.

If I could tell you everything I want to say.

I'd let go of my insecurities.

Let my heart speak for once without my head getting in the way.

I feel it's real, i've made the mistake.

Would you hesitate to take me back?

Memories more than enough

Leave me smiling to myself at night.

I can't listen to conversations, you're a distraction constantly on my mind.

I want to prove how deep the truth run in these words.

It's obvious.

How impatient i'm growing, restless to make this known.

the sharp purity that captures me, drowning.

Paralyzed by the blue of your eyes.

Against you, slight scent stimulating sweet.

Laughter contagious crawling cocooned in my core.

Slender elevation.

Your crooked tooth.

Unpredicted eruptions of ridiculousness.

These things I adore about you.

All these nights,
you fill my head,
thoughts of what it would be like,
if we could start over again,
the things i would do right,
how perfect it would be,
you'd fold me in your arms,
the world would be so peaceful,
every second, a shining smile,
our warm hearts beating in tune,
ignoring the fact that it's beyond "a little too late",
asking myself why i ended things before i gave them a chance,
now i spend my days picturing what we might have had,
pretending it's still a possibility,
i can't imagine you moving on,
but how could you still feel the same?
certainly funny how you cried when i said goodbye,
now i'm the one dying inside without you,
wishing you'd come rushing back to adore me,
everyone says how you've changed,
someone i hoped you'd never be,
discovered the power you hold within,
blatant in everyone's eyes,
i can't help but find myself weakened by your existence,
i feel as though i should scream to the darkness how i love you,
convince you how blind i've been,
the stupidity i seem to have got caught in,
i've been so wrong all along,
how do i let you know,
i want to keep it discreet,
wouldn't want to build up all the passion
and my guts to find you leaving anyway,
i'm going mad missing you the amount that i do.

I am the only thing running,
How did it feel?
In the end have your thoughts run wild?
Places changed, I’ve seen another side,
Can I face you still the same?
After the morning came the rain,
Never in my favor,
A small delight to savor,
I’m too young to see you through,
Misused feelings I believed to be true,
All my hurt and anger untied for you
The last of those impending seasons,
I could never count the reasons,
I’ve wondered why,
The obligation to deny,
Again left to condone,
The hint of repentance in your tone,
Futile occurrences I slipped away,
The evocations of unifying you delay,
Ascent the extraction of your fascination,
Parting with the scent of sheer sensation,
Incredulity for the shift in fortuity
the little effort you make to hold on to me.

I can see us,
unlike we are now,
the flames were never put to rest,
all along we've been solely for each other,
when it ended it never had the chance to start,
it's been long foreseen,
i always knew i'd come back to you,
took long enough to progress,
from the anticipation,
soon,
we'll make up for the past,
continue what was meant to last,
wound in your arms,
watching tv,
the regret finally caught up to me,
there's never been another,
who could render me so alive,
i hope you're in for all i've got,
ever since i let you go,
our memories have been the only thing i know,
what will you allow me to be to you?
can you trust my deceiving heart this time?
i care more than you'd ever agree to believe.

How can this disappear,
As I escape,
Everything leaves with my departure,
I take with me all the forgotten things,
I didn’t mean to steal any hearts,
All those I could not reach stay behind,
If I had the chance I would have won you over,
Life can’t get any better if I can’t make it complete,
Just the strong arms and bright smiles I don’t want to miss,
When everything I want surfaces,
It’s only then an impossibility,
I don’t want to wait too long,
Days are growing stale,
I’ll never find paradise if I’m looking too hard,
But it’s all I’ve got to dream away the bitter night,
Why am I not getting any closer,
Hidden in words, how do I decipher,
for once I stopped thinking,
and you came around,
how long will the good last,
before the tears reign and stay.

April fell into the dust,
and i arrived to carry you home,
cried to you "dont give up on me",
when you looked away,
silently wishiing me to leave,
my insides dripped through the floor,
you didn't need me anymore,
crawled to the next blackened hole.

For the first time i'm not going to post poetry. I have a lot on my mind and i'm going to unleash it all right here. right now. First of all, it's Christmas, and like every other year I can't sleep. Quite pathetic really, but I don't think it's the excitement of presents and all that fun stuff this year. Possibly it's more along the lines of huge decisions in my life facing me and having no clue what to do about them. Getting the boot from Sheridan and not knowing what i'm supposed to do about it. Do I leave? Do I find another crappy program to half-ass my way through college just so I can stay with my friends? Is there some 'right' decision that i'm supposed to make or will my life end up the same anyway no matter which path I choose? I'm not going to waste my time and money on something that isn't worthwhile, so i'm not going back to Sheridan. But now that i've made that decision, my next step is waiting to be determined. Now that I have to move back home. What will I do with myself? I know as great as my family is, there's just no way i'll be content living with them. It's just too difficult once you've been exposed to living with no rules and restrictions and depending solely on yourself. But do I have a choice? I want to do something with my life. I don't want to just come home and give up and that's it. I want to do things i've always wanted to do. Do I get a job and remain living at home? Maybe it's the smartest option, but I want to do something so I can look back and say "yeah I did it," and have no regrets. I could move to a big city and pursue something like acting, singing or modeling, just for the sake of attempting something extraordinary. There's so many things I want to do. From every big decision I make, there are strings of smaller but just as important decisions to make. It's awful. It never ends. This stresses me out beyond belief. As I have NO clue what to do. So where do I go from here?

What makes me happy?
what will it take?
How long until it finds me?
how do I keep myself in this state of oblivious continuance?
hiding from being hurt,
made too available, a weakness I cannot destroy,
kept awake by scenes of fulfillment,
been searching too thoroughly,
when I seem to reach the answer,
fate tears it from my hands,
feels like i've acquired a lifetime of wisdom,
but yet I can't accomplish life's simple pleasures,
must I rust and be worn down?
why is it taking so long?

Of course disappointment was here to greet me with open arms. But i'm still grinning.

Why did you choose those words so carefully?
turned clumsy and meaningless.
I tried to follow your games,
but they led me further behind than i was before,
are you doing this on purpose?
pulling me closer and pushing me away,
I thought you'd be the last one to treat me this way,
it is that easy for you?
you've never let me down like this,
I wished you'd be the first to take me in,
now i'll have to wander on my own,
it was your decision to set me free,
I refused to imagine a harsh reality,
it should've been what it was last year,
and the spring we spent,
nothing could shake us,
I ran when I discovered,
it was more than i'd ever hoped for,
now I can't go back,
how could I have let you fade?
I want what we once had,
it was always you ready to embrace,
now you've changed your mind and I need you still.

What will become of this journey home?

A new tongue to learn,
I will conform to your convictions,
if you need me to be different,
you can come in,
meandering weightless,
in tune to you,
you can play me til I bend,
I need you like you once needed me,
i'm afraid i'm much too late,
I want to belong,
tangled in your arms,
there were times you couldn't let me go,
suppress me now,
don't let me leave,
I can't bear to watch you disappear,
knowing I didn't try everything,
the dullness that leads my life without you,
you were the spark,
the moon emits your name,
my thoughts are held,
evolving around your face,
where are we supposed to be,
will I awake beside you,
or shiver in the morning still,
how did I let myself become a stranger to your heart,
will I discover what I used to see,
a soft smile to greet me.

Not bad for 5 am. Can't sleep, it's driving me crazy thinking and I can't get rid of these thoughts and worries until I can confirm the way things are.
Prolonged 3 more days. 3 more nights without sleep.

Why has everything grown so clear,
through the haze I saw you,
and I,
never felt more alive,
skin crawling with delight,
I see the side I missed,
I didn't feel before today,
3 days is too long,
when I hear my voice weak and shaking,
yours speaks to me,
I look wide,
the possibility draws me home,
haven't known a happiness,
like the one you've revealed to me,
I didn't look before I lept,
into the inception of your covet,
does it still remain,
my tortured mind repents every ill thought,
you won't ever know,
even if these words I give to you,
the jilted love I bore,
tainted your unforeseen ability to maintain my stability,
your portentuous touch,
I miss the distillation of your spirit.

We meet again.
After so long,
all the shit I put you through,
I stand before you, ashamed and in remorse,
what can I give you,
to make up for the implemented dissension,
I should have kept you safe,
loved with you all the will inside,
i'm days away,
inundated in our history,
you only wished me well,
I delivered a hushed farwell,
untimely tears,
the affect that unsettles my soul,
my destruction of a beautiful thing,
could I ever prevail in the war over your affection,
would it be the same,
i'm still blazing in your ambiance,
will you set me straight,
what you'll take from me.

Everytime I try,
you make it harder on me,
as if my guilt didn't kill enough,
your words come back to haunt me,
I drown you with kindness,
and you strangle me with contempt,
if only you would understand,
what you've been to me,
I love who you used to be,
I deserve a thousand lashes,
but I was blind to your suffering,
you'll never allow me to forget,
confuse me when you speak of reuniting,
how did those pretty thoughts vanish so quickly,
my actions, so childish as I fled and pushed you away,
now that the ugly's gone,
I remember only the beautiful,
and how deep it ran for me,
you became the victim of my cruel hands,
i've never wanted anything more,
than to take back my deviance and mend your wounded heart,
if only there were a way,
i'm so sorry, I should have stayed.

I almost had myself fooled back into thinking,
you're what I wanted,
but deception reminded me,
your honesty never meant that much,
I can be weak if I choose,
your guidance led me to disaster,
but you always wanted me to take your place,
turned out to be a momentary lapse,
swung and left the door open,
my steps embraced the border,
heard my feet race like thunder,
ran to shut me out tight,
yet you look upon me,
pressed against the glass,
begging with your eyes to crack the silence,
waiting for me to witness your change,
pleading me to react,
defending my pride with jealousy's ample gun,
what warped conclusion have you drawn out for me.

winter has risen,
it's so hard to confess,
when there's nothing left to say,
never a choice,
this silent profession,
always seems we're on the same line,
i've watched you compare,
why should I even bother,
the same conclusion,
I promised myself I was through trying,
why am I finding the effort escaping,
aiming for the stars,
I should realize they're far beyond my grasp,
feels like i'm falling behind,
never sure what i'm asking for,
still haven't figured out what i'm missing,
I remain with the last,
overseen, caught up in a losing streak,
struggling to discover where to extract bliss,
hopeful that my day will come,
someone will finally see the good within,
and won't let it slip away.

Have I relished too long in the thought,
Should I let it go,
Tear myself away from
You, enticing me with your piercing grin,
I, fumbling in my demure,
Devised deep in the quiet,
What you’d say,
to have me ask you to stay,
Locked in your gaze,
Outspoken mysterious ways,
Looking at me,
full of intensity,
between each melodic muse,
synergy reaching me,
a plausible impracticality,
why can’t I distinguish between dreams and veracity,
your distinctive disposition,
creates a stirring in my soul,
and I hide to save myself from conveyance,
I leave it all in your hands,
if ever you should ascertain my adoration.

Wasn't it easy to pretend?
but i'm not pretending anymore,
it's everything I mean,
it's about time I was able to discover,
just how long the feelings have been gone,
that's it, and there's the end,
i'm glad it's in the past now,
I realized too late,
I was meant to be the girl you wanted but could never have,
there's no turning back,
I have no regrets,
i'm absolutely dry of anything I once held for you,
don't think for an instant that you had any control over me,
don't you ever wonder why?
all i'm looking for is anyone but you,
you need distraction,
i'm already over you,
please don't flatter yourself,
i'm always the better person,
on the brink of insanity,
living my life the way I should be,
you're isolated in your cold, lonely capsule,
seems a depressing fate is awaiting you,
i'm not surprised,
look how you torture yourself.

It's the little things that matter most, the littlest things can turn a person off. It's the littlest things that can provide a whole new outlook on feelings that you thought were really there.

How big has the void grown?
you know I was your way out,
your only escape from loneliness,
have you gradually begun to see,
just how wrong you've been,
do you want me back in your life?
just say it,
prove to me your worth,
how good things will be,
kuz i'm close to caving,
tell me what i've been waiting to hear,
i'll be the first to say goodbye,
catch a tear in the corner of your eye,
why do you think you're so superior to me?
what makes you so self assured?
where'd you get the confidence?
what gives you the right,
to make me feel so small beside you,
remember I was the one to bend,
to accommodate for you,
I hope you're caught up,
let me let you know,
i'm not burning for you,
not yearning for you,
you're just a washed up lost long ago mistake,
but I want the opportunity,
to walk away from you.

Naters, Thank you so much for being so amazing to me! You've always been there for me!

What I wouldn't give to have you beside me,
my eyes sting when you tell me over the distance how you miss me,
"if I were there i'd lay beside you and play with your hair until you fell asleep"
everything I needed to hear came tumbling out,
what more could I ask for,
the best friend that I ever encountered,
rising in my struggles to support and love me unconditionally,
my life is such a pleasant place,
exploding with vitality,
your presence makes the difference between my good and bad days.


~*~

The letters that I wrote,
I can never send you,
all those emotions, the passion that I unveiled,
you overlooked and dismissed,
threw into the stormy engulfing waters,
tied to an anchor I sank,
how foolish I felt,
buried my head in the sand,
when I resurface will you,
change your mind,
my collegiate assumptions,
but you can't wave your hand and make existing feelings disappear,
you were just as rapt in the occasions as I,
I held it closer and you wished it to wilt and expire,
how could your desperate kisses be announced "so insignificant",
what didn't I do right,
to warrant your revulsion,
was I too willing to give?
now I seethe inside not knowing any truths to your contentions,
the belligerence that blisters,
the foundation of your aim to harm yourself only made me amend with dejection.
Was that your purpose?
Why can't you set this straight so I can understand, why make me wonder?
Why make me despise you for all you've done.
Not even you know.

I have so much work I should be doing. Instead I choose to accomodate my lazy side. A test on Thursday, a layout assignment tmw, work tmw as well. Running on 3 hours of sleep. I don't think life gets any better than this.

I know the strife you've endured,
but if you could see from another perspective,
step out of your shoes,
live again without this heavy heartache,
the ups and downs of love,
leading you to sorrow,
caught in a content corruption,
the sun in the sky,
will shine once again,
If I could steal the struggles,
release you into a bright day,
it will come to you,
exhilaration will devour,
you needn't worry,
luck comes easy,
don't you recognize,
all the potential you possess,
the gazes you absorb with dulled eyes,
despair can't survive forever,
divine moments are on the way,
all the pain from those delicate memories,
will fade with strength,
I sense the will within you,
ease yourself, part with darkness,
graceful misery,
please don't be so sullen,
all wounds heal with time.

A time for change,
everyone around me dances in the spotlight,
i'm heading for the shadows,
there I will remain hidden,
how can I morph into the creature you want more than I,
must I transform into,
a brilliant shell in order to be good enough,
your distinctive taste,
dissatisfied with my current existence,
and still the beauty and truth in my words you could never compare,
with every breath,
i'll show you what i'm made of,
I touched the place you'd never allow yourself to acknowledge,
i'm still waiting for the day,
you return to me to find you can't resist,
surrender before you drown in my compelling seas.

I'd come so far,
I thought I made it through,
ever since you said to forget,
I had myself convinced,
Why am I shaking inside?
you returned to haunt my memory,
the last thing I wanted,
I don't care about you,
I just need what I can't have,
drives me to the absolute end,
every little reminder,
invokes the night's events,
they reoccur in my head,
I felt so strong, so secure,
i'll never admit you're still my weakness,
you're still my enemy,
I will overcome,
I will show you everything you'll be missing,
you betrayed me,
lead by these confessions,
you can't even face me,
you're a frightened child,
plead me, knock down this wall you've constructed,
to keep me away,
but you still see me while you sleep,
or have you erased me from every part of you?

I don't think I can do it,
Just sinking, resting,
I'm hovering in the midst,
above reality,
my mind is empty of any thoughts,
I think i'm getting further,
into a better position,
it's the first time i've felt like myself,
not caught up in some meaningless fixation,
i'm grounded and I finally fit into my skin,
Busy with the rush of life,
i've been putting it off,
so unfamiliar,
what matters most always reigns,
it's about time I realized,
I see everything as it is,
no scenic distractions,
I won't change for anyone,
I like where i've found myself,
Not ever leaving,
this attitude that's bloomed,
puts so much behind me,
the difference is infectious,
the consequence is so humbling,
I don't look down anymore,
watch me shine.

Fix your eyes,
do they stay in one spot?
I concentrate too hard,
and i'm tripping over clumsy feelings,
they're unnecessary,
i'm so relieved,
now that all this mess has passed,
now I see how great I can be,
when I look at the sky,
the stars spell out my name,
there's something bigger waiting for me,
impatiently anticipating,
beautiful captivity,
blinking, growing accustomed to my fresh eyes,
you've never looked stranger,
I don't even remember who you are,
i've been smiling every since that day,
everything you stole just faded away,
i've never been better,
knowing I never needed to depend on you,
in your eyes, I know there's tears,
though suppressed, you're crumbling inside,
holding all the sorrow,
you'll never have me to hold again.

It said it was coming,
maybe you realized,
it's always been me,
now that i'm gone,
isn't that convenient,
could I be the reason why,
you wrote those words?
what's behind,
have I gotten to you this time?
a moment too late,
it's about time that you break,
the smoke is rising,
it always seems to be,
you fall for me,
as soon as I decide i'm through with you,
too bad you missed out,
it's not so simple,
while i'm not at your disposal,
no no no no,
the words sound tough,
but you're so tender inside,
nothing's how you thought it would be,
and i'm alright,
my absence hits you in the weakest place,
now you're not sure of anything.

Look at me,
I can stand proud without you,
I think i'm happier this way,
nothing should change,
you took up too much time,
what a shame I wasted more than a little,
at least now I don't have to worry anymore,
i'm comfortable now,
this is me,
not the desolate stranger I used to be,
you formed me with your bare hands,
I couldn't conform to the way you wanted me,
look at me bounce back,
submerged in all things that lead me to contentment,
I could never devote myself to someone devoid of any emotion besides misery,
how can you live that way?
you're the last detail I sought after,
was I always just the answer to your desperation?

~*~

From the backseat,
jammed in tight,
you're that close,
stretched across and heavy,
I can see you're looking in all the wrong directions,
so you're hurt, doesn't mean you've lost all your charm,
it's working on me,
you're too blinded to see,
if you've got any love inside to spare,
I can use some charity,
only if you will,
there's a discovery unfurling before your eyes,
do you look right past it?
you probably know any way,
no words are necessary,
I can say what I feel,
but it only gets me in trouble,
hasn't been returned in ages,
what's the use of risking it,
maybe in a little while,
when your wounds have healed over,
we can meet again in a different light,
i'll take you and keep you safe and warm.

Can you still feel my fingers trace circles on your back?
I was certain it was in your arms that I belonged,
this is so unlike you,
but are you scared by the feelings you found?
were you overwhelmed by guilt?
why did you deny yourself from such perfection,
is hurting me the answer?
did pushing me away cure your misery?
I know you felt as much as I,
you were dying inside,
needed my kiss before you shattered to pieces,
now you've run away,
you can't control your actions,
it was never me, always the blamed,
it's yours for the taking,
my power over you makes you feel like less of a man,
you can't take it,
pressuring you until you crack,
you'd never accept true happiness,
you don't feel like you deserve it,
i'm starting to agree with you,
sad you'd turn down the one chance you had,
to outlet all the pain and passion you keep inside,
so fragile and small you have become,
no sight for a weak heart like mine,
you captured me with a beautiful voice,
but it can't win you everything,
look what you missed out on.

~*~

You'll never do better,
I actually believe what they've been saying,
I have to laugh,
when I remember what I ever saw in you,
I gave so much,
nothing in return,
wasn't a lot I wouldn't do for you,
why did I fall for you?
should have seen this from the beginning,
you weren't good enough for me,
you never tried to match the love I had for you,
you can't even express yourself,
held so much from me,
how could you have sufficed,
when I told you everything,
I asked the sky for answers,
it explained more than you,
you never made sense,
i'm still buried in confusion,
this puzzle you left me to unfold,
will it ever reveal the truth,
the reasoning behind,
you sold me out,
to beggars and thieves,
open up and let me in,
everyday without you feels like a sin.

I don't even think about you anymore,
every once vivid moment is a distant image,
your vocation is the only aspect i can't see past,
it sticks beneath my skin,
why'd you have to sing so sweetly,
you proved to me that you've never deserved the adulation,
still you act like you were falsely accused,
and that I could never belong,
even though you gave me your affection,
mystified when you switched back and forth,
the only thing I ever wanted was to render your happiness.

Could there be reason behind your actions? The possibility remains.

Could it be just an excuse?
perhaps a sign,
you'd like to get closer,
the questions I ask,
to the answers I already know,
potential promise,
I am alert and I am ready,
just waiting to hear those words,
that may be near,
I caught the glare in your eyes,
saw something there,
it wasn't just a friendly stare,
you look away,
and my heart dances,
so slow and it sings a hopeful song,
you take your time,
evaluating me in your mind,
how could I ever do you wrong?
so blatant and honest,
your words strike me speechless,
my cheeks crimson,
my awkward existences unfolds,
the opportunity left open to be fulfilled.

As I stood,
in the doorway,
there your eyes were introduced to mine,
all at once,
a collision I wanted to last,
the impossibility exists,
your gentle manner,
would never harm a sensitive soul,
never a kinder exchange,
progressing to an exquisite stage.

~*~

Every Word,
all the things I wish i'd said,
maybe I could have spared us falling apart,
i'm living in denial,
making excuses for your behavior,
if I could i'd just close my eyes,
and push you right out of my mind,
I wonder if you paused for even a moment,
to consider,
how I felt,
wrapped up in your selfish actions,
all I ever craved was an explanation.

Some moments may grow dark, but rain is a beautiful thing.

I am sleeping between,
craddled somewhere safe,
away from any harm,
though sometimes I still think,
about the warm nights we spent,
i am unperplexed by your carelessness,
sheltered from any impending violations,
my strength's inspiring and expanding,
so let your distaste for me shine in all it's glory,
make it easier for me,
it's never been a struggle,
secluded in my smiles,
I won't let you put the storm in the sky,
everything is more than just fine.

I know the next time,
I see you, i'll be numb,
when you look at me,
I won't be weakened,
you'll sit in your dark corner,
making eyes with all the options,
but that won't last,
until your empty glass hits the table,
you will arise,
searching for someone you'll never find,
i'll be on the other side of the door,
moving on, moving up,
you're shrinking, losing your head,
maybe that's an improvement,
it's best for all of us,
my heart's safe out of your reach,
you'll never know a touch more divine than mine,
the pieces never will,
fit together, your actions go unexplained,
is your mind that empty?
couldn't you see how much I cared?
you're too much unlike the person I first met,
that possessed your name,
you aren't the same,
what an unanticipated twist,
how could you, how could you?
but i'm weary enough to forget,
what did you expect from me?

What's lost is gone, but I won't let you carry on. I'm not that stupid to realize, what in your eyes is the real prize. You never cared about me. Now i've become everything I want to be. Honestly why do I settle for second best? I'm through with that.

It's hard to think about,
how you've lead me on for so long,
how cold hearted you must be,
she explained it perfectly,
"emotionally those nights meant something to me"
the reality stung, they never meant anything to you,
you had the audacity to act like I was nothing,

I hope you'll ache without my presence,
need me when i'm not around,
you've only made me stronger,
one day you'll come back begging,
I wish you will,
so I can remind you of how I felt,

i'm not devestated,
I may be hurt, but i'm not shedding tears over you,
you had the chance and now it's gone,
there won't be any more,
you've never been worth the mess,
i'm not worried about losing you,

I know when I find somebody,
he'll be way better than you,
i've never been blind, I just denied the truth,
came back and now i'm thankful that I can get over you,
it won't be hard I promise that,
I thought you deserved it,
but I was mistaken,
you fooled me with your convincing softness,

but that's the last of you,
good riddance to my confusion and my heart's contusions,
your mind games and false pretensiousness,
i'm glad to see you go.

That's just fine,
It's not like i need you,,
it would be nice,
but i'm not looking for a waste of time,
it's just as easy to say goodbye,
don't be fooled by my exaggerated words,
it could be divine but i'm just as happy on my own.
If you've got the nerves to endure,
if you don't have the strength,
i don't have the will.

The ramblings after the effects of tequila rose/peach schnapps and gin.

If positions were flipped,
and it was me up there,
would you be held captive in my voice?
i'd have you under my control,
would i care?
can't you rescue me from this despair,
and it's quiet when i think,
thoughts of you above me,
it's too hard to hate you,
for making me so naive,
i stepped out in the snow today,
caught snowflakes on my tongue,
all the while wishing you were beside me,
how can love be so simple to disguise,
when it bursts from my seams,
do i melt your heart sometimes?
is there any way to get through to you,
have you built defenses,
to keep me out,
have i gotten close?

~*~

it's no secret anymore,
when you press your face to mine,
and say what you said,
hands in my hair,
it's become publicly aware,
this time it was your mistake,
it doesn't make any sense,
when you try to hide it,
the next our fingers intwined,
all the world can see,
isn't that what's keeping us apart?
the bind has broken,
we layed it out clear,
for everyone to witness,
so why'd you let loose?
you were all over me,
it's so obvious now,
so why are we still pretending?
if regret overcomes you,
i will walk away from us,
leave you to figure out where you went wrong,
i've done everything i can,
if it's not enough,
your offer's not good enough.

Time takes away the drops of a long forgotten day.

Weightless, with all my unimaginable thoughts,
So I still alone,
My life’s a mundane dream,
Standing to be corrected for my misperceived perception,
The mounting ardour becomes apparent in your sights,
A sigh and one whisper that fades,
“can we restore these memories”,
you said it but the words were mine,
stunned, a dishevelled you, knew I put those words in your mouth,
recollecting, you deemed me worthy of repute,
decline the opposition, greet me with defeat,
easily able to resist, why am I here,
a victim of misconstrue, you had me,
though I recognized your ploy for confusion,
I played along, held blind by my affection,
Haven’t grasped the relation between your words and convergence,
So sundry, with discrete emotion elasticity,
The innocent honest intentions, exist evidently,
Repetitious as I relish preceding days.

Silence. An empty mind makes life easy. I can't believe it's snowing.

I ran to escape,
screaming from inside out,
I resent you,
i'm laying it before you,
the icy truth,
if you ever told me,
"I just want you to be happy"
your selfish ignorance lit up the sky,
you're unraveling, peeling everyday,
revealing how little of you there is left,
was it me who set you off?

I'm going home tomorrow, I need a break from all the craziness here in Oakville. I've been thinking too much again.

Hey,
How long must I live on knowing,
i'm running into nothing,
falling, headfirst,
pushing, only ending up right at the beginning,
when I lost you,
I felt the crushing of my insides,
even though I might indulge in your arms,
I can't stay there forever,
the indigo takes over,
I disappear with the rising sun,
somehow I can't manage a simple goodbye,
the words get caught in my throat,
I can't kill my love for you,
no matter how many holes I drive through it,
any logical thoughts are scarce,
you pull farther away,
I always told you exactly how I felt,
you couldn't say it just once,
i'm endlessly asking for too much,

the complications are too big,
there's nothing I can say to make you stay,
you've already walked away,
how will I forget you
~*~

I looked up,
in the clouds i saw,
one familiar fall night,
you and i entangled,
moments cut short,
i was high off the addiction to your lips,
and the rising heat,
and i descended deeper,
how did it progress to this plateau?
you see through my transparency,
how much of a fool i've become for you,
i can't rest until we pursue this further,
but would you give in?
my jaw dropped at the sound,
contagious are those scenes,
face to face we lay,
i prayed that your actions were real,
watched the light creep across the floor,
i asked you not to let me go,
maybe you forgot,
there's still this flooding feeling,
never runs dry.

It's crazy how a simple feeling can put so much in perspective.

If i asked you how you felt,
would you avoid the question?
what are you scared of?
what answer would i expect?
you'd be the first i'd run to,
i'd confide in you a mass of secrets,
ignoring the inevitable,
I won't accept the looming impossibility,
if all we have is tonight,
i'd pause the world for an eternity,
and love you until the end,

I don't want to believe,
i'm the only one who feels this way,

seems as though i've been waiting out losing you for good,

I can't bear it,
how close are we to something?

will i clench my fists,
and shut my eyes,
to the sound of my breaking heart?

this time i loved for all the right reasons.

Nothing's going on, my poems seem to have transformed into loose thoughts gathered together that don't really sound pretty anymore. It's kind of sad.
I think i'm forcing things out that aren't there.

The words I want to say,
could drive you away,
yet they remain,
demanding to be released,
is there a possibility,
you might share this immense intensity,
it's getting hard to pretend,
these feelings aren't tearing at my insides,
struggling to pry themselves out,
how can this be fair,
we act like friends,
but so much more lies behind,
itching to be unleashed,
while you're dreaming of fame,
i'm dreaming of your kiss,
and all the things it would bring.

Liann's on her way here at this very moment, it will be a very chaotic, fun week!!

sound is still,
the echo of your voice,
fills the silence,
entertains and enhances thoughts of you,
striking me strongly,
tears contained,
stain these cheeks,
knowing your internal aches,
wanting to wash them away,
make you endlessly happy,
undo the pain you've kept inside,
how long has it been?
weeping,
wanting to bridge this gaping hole,
present in your gentle heart,
is my love not enough?
not the right one?
why can't you let me,
under your skin,
so i can try to be,
everything you'll ever need,
summon all the bright days,
that are long overdue,
you lock everything inside,
it's all you've known how to do.

~*~

trying to sort through all these things,
discovering where you fit into the picture,
you're all that's inhabiting my mind,
feeling helpless, there's nothing i can do,
to make this any clearer,
the intensity between us,
stings me deep, every moment,
you're not near, i need you,
sun sign rings true,
i wonder if you're the one,
that's come to make me whole,
do you still abide his wishes?
i'll never understand,
what this pounding in my blood means,
everytime you're here it comes rushing back again,
your scent stayed with me for days,
now i just feel lifeless,
everything's going right,
but you're still missing.

~*~

Have you heard,
one damn word i've said?
it's easy for me to say,
"i don't need you, i never did"
fooled myself into thinking,
i could count on you,
i'm tired of getting nowhere,
waiting while you procrastinate,
live on without me,
i won't settle for seconds,
coming to reach me when you find the time,
i'll never let you get the best of me,
search for somebody else,
you won't find the love in my heart,
my patience retired yesterday,
if you come looking for me,
i won't be here for you anymore,
it's too late and it's too bad,
you weren't worth the tears i'd shed,
i refuse to cry over you,
it's so sad to find a man,
who doesn't know to treat a woman,
it's never been that hard to please me,
but broken promises won't win me over,
i wish i could say i never cared for you,
i'm almost there.

~*~

There's something I want to ask you...
Are you happy?
I've been wanting to tell you,
the thing that hurts most about not being with you:
knowing you deserve so much and not being able to give it to you,
You should know,
no matter what we are,
friends or lovers,
i'll always care,
deeply,
for you,
how much?
it kills me.

A week full of adventurous activities and endless possibilities!!

One lasting longing look,
drawn up tall before me,
stands with an outstretched hand,
to greet me with affection,
a darkened delicate whisper,
a hushed hello on the hint of a sweet breeze,
circling the laps, outlining your core,
you spoke,
a slight arise in the bluest skies,
held in the swirl of your kiss,
wrapping it's arms around me,
alluring, inviting,
a precise persuasion to contentment,
rendering responses replaying,
reminiscess of a dreary day.

~*~

it's just us,
bound by the bitterness,
prelude to the restlessness,
the confusion of my pounding heart,
inside this cage,
behind the tranquil waves of rage,
my escape from your receeding stage.

~*~

A lingering possibility,
i'd care to endure,
pursuing one path to discover,
your passion that lies somewhere inside,
carefree, you've been everywhere,
i'd like to wake up, whisked away,
so how come i still can't find you,
I found a flawless loss,
why haven't i won this game that's begun,
without consequence it seems,
you've acquired all my dreams,
my luck's been long since burried deep,
you stole the ease from my sleep,
I created this unhappiness,
for you and I to revoke the bliss,

Back in Oakville, thank god, things are back to normal.

One Caress,
My shoulder to your chest,
the pale winter in your eyes,
I tried to hold on to an instant,
silently swept me by,
here's to the endearing embraces,
my nervous lips and your expressions while you sleep

....

I was bewildered at the sight,
I sensed the coming words,
as cold as they are,
those nights stain my skin,
I thought the worst was over,
imagine the surprise,
hit me from behind,
my euphoric glow died,
the dereliction emerged,
contained in my tired eyes,
the falling answers,
a fresh forming dismay,
derived from your incinerating discourse,
you knew every step you placed,
the privation I endured,
I heightened you beyond the sun,
I told everyone,
the mysteries you'd undone,
the marathon's you'd outrun,
I made myself a fool for your deception,
it's getting late now,
but i can't forget your face.

I'm at home in Bracebridge, being here reminds me of why I was so eager to leave in the first place.

A million times,
the stars have burst,
you set them aflame,
i fell for your false promises,
you've been found guilty,
why do you walk in and out of my life,
when you tell me i'm a lovely breeze,
you disappear like you've been caught in a hurricane,
what's wrong with me,
to make you up and leave,
lie to me and fill me with hope,
whisper sweetly and wrap me in your arms,
in the morning run for your life,
what have i done to be so deserving,
you're careless, how could you be so blind,
can't you make up for what's been lost,
still no word you keep me dangling,
how cruel and unkind you must be.

and yet another:

What does your enthusiasm mean?
we can never be, you said,
but now you can't wait,
a hurried invitation,
does it access your heart?
what changed inside,
have you realized what we've become?
are you letting your heart lead?
will i fall once again,
even if it's wrong,
why do i feel so contrite,
dreaming of reaching,
those lips again,
the flushing of my cheeks,
from the invasion of tempting reminders,
how can you deny,
when i see it clearly,
i'm waiting for the words,
and the moment to arise.

Sorry for the delay, being bedridden and sleeping takes up too much time:

Riding high on an aspiring axis
A failed fire that lies
Deepened, digging a darker desperate dwelling
But you couldn’t memorize enough lines
I remain a fallen figure in your plotted ploy
False found a home imbedded within my skin
I conjured a confession from your courteous claims
Last light littered litigation left me longing
sick succulent situations sitting and seeming simple
retaining relevance, reaching redundant rapports
what wretched withering wounds need to repair
you refused to rest with ridiculous reasons rightly
weathered, worn with the wind, wrestling with the suggestion
where did I choose the same old beaten path
caked with the charcoal crimson chaotic confusion
emptiness unfolds and gesticulates towards me
suggested successions of sweet sullen sections
justify your vindictive procedures that leave me volatile


and I hate you for making me feel this way
can’t take a break to acknowledge my existence
playing, pretending, dressing up to be
then steps on my insides
I had fallen into a pit of flames
You came and I tumbled into the sweetest skies
Now I’m left in disarray

Here goes another short one:

Your essence surrounds me,
you overtake my mind,
i'm held captive in your hand,
with every smile,,
my eyes draw to a sinful close,
your inviting words swathed my core,
and my reverence swelled inside,
our analogous thirst,
a reticent intimation,
mending all my intusions.

Yet another quick one:

You have appeared,
How did you know,
you were everything I need,
our eyes met, hearts set ablaze,
you came to save my soul,
I became a skeptic and you,
made me believe in fate,
and surrendering to the sky.

I discovered a poem I had written awhile ago in my book. So instead of distracting myself from homework, i'm going to use it for my daily poem even tho in a way it's cheating! :

You'd never have me,
Take me away,
Fold me in your arms,
I wished for your affection,
though I know your ways,
how could you stay still long enough,
to allow my hands to capture your heart?
the impossibility aches,
what happened to the feelings we exchanged?
all the lovely things you said,
when I see you next,
will it all come rushing back,
could I make your heart stop in place?
and all the thoughts I have for you,
will become obvious,
and i'll search your dramatic eyes,
for all I hope to find,
but what if it's all a dream,
i'll lose so much happiness,
i've built around touching your face,
it could all be erased easily,
if you've found someone else,
you'd never pause for me,
why can't I be the one you're waiting for?
nothing comes without complications,
I can't force you to be with me.

I know i'm supposed to try and post something I've written each day, but I haven't had the time or the sudden rush of words to do so.
I'm ignoring the looming pile of homework and studying I should be doing, so maybe i'll concentrate on passing college instead of having fun! Not likely.

I haven't written anything today.. so i'm just gonna see what I can come up with right here on the spot. All I can say is the past three days have been completely chocked full of fun, hugs and Ice Cream! I love my friends here!! :

I left the world behind,
settled into suspicion,
caught the wind on my tongue,
tasted what it felt like to be free,
realized the propinquity I craved was littered with obstinate obstacles,
resurfaced with resonance,
I'm looking at you with fresh eyes,
the rise and fall of my existence lies in the palm of my hands,
the arduous emotion drawn from solitude I can bear,
impassioned by my strength,
I will discover the adulation you cannot provide.