Somebody told me to stop
I’m a dreamer, nothing is real in my head,
I saw the end, saw it fade out and die,
I’ve got nothing to hide,
But you swear I’m wrong,
I found the trigger, a reason to leave you,
Now emptiness awaits,
It’s bright where I am,
Steady on my feet where I stand,
I’m going to chase down the sunset,
Blot out your face from my memory,
You’re almost a blank page now,
I’m grateful, I’ve been to proud to admit,
Maybe you had me by the hair,
But I wanted it,
You shared with everyone what I thought was ours,
Somehow I knew you weren’t that simple,
I had you captured, but you had me caught in a game,
I never felt the way I portrayed.

We have good days,
We have bad days,
Sometimes I wish I never knew you,
Wouldn’t have to wonder why you never call,
Why you never extend an invitation my way,
You’re untraditional,
And selfish, it’s on your circumstances,
I’m always lending myself out to you,
Giving you everything I wish you’d return,
With no prevail, I’m still lost here,
Where’s the trust, where’s the truth,
It doesn’t mean anything,
You shut all signs of visible emotions out,
I take the wear of your weight crushing me,
Your pretentious persona,
And my inability to turn away.

In this haven that I’ve built,
Grown to hate,
This nothing my life’s accumulated to,
I feel like there’s so much more,
I just can’t reach it,
But I’m on the edge of discovery,
The people along the ride,
Have failed to surprise me,
I can’t understand, why they act the way they are,
There’s so many people I should be,
But I don’t have the voice, the looks, the talent,
Nothing comes to those who sit and wait,
But what else can I do?

I’m happy where we are,
Not anything, no reason to commit,
Cause you make me laugh, I feel complete when I’m with you,
if I lost you tomorrow, I’d be fine knowing what there is to life,
I won’t cry if we go our own separate ways,
No jealousy, no strings to pull apart,
just you and me holding each other together,
you’re keeping me alive until the next,
we’re not missing out, kuz I got you,
I couldn’t have found anyone better to occupy my time,
Who we are when we’re in our company,
I’ve never had so much fun just talking.

Sitting here alone,
Not by the phone,
Kuz I know you won’t call,
No I know you,
You think you know me,
You think I don’t mind,
But lately i’ve had too much time,
You were growing so close,
To what I thought might be,
No it could never be,
It’s not even lust,
It’s just us,
We’re messed up and confused,
We’re ignorant and misused,
No it’s not right,
But it feels right,
Some nights,
Seems I’m battling with myself,
Who else fights for your attention?
I’m not your only,
Life gets lonely,
I want you here to hold me,
But I don’t think you can handle that much,
I’m giving up my grip,
I’m ready to let you slip,
I don’t feel like I did in the beginning,
Waiting, never winning,
barely living,
the end is ahead,
can’t believe the lines you’ve fed,
no longer misled.

Just as I was becoming okay with the situation...
What I gave,
You took away,
You don’t ask and you don’t say,
just leave without saying goodbye,
should I have the right to know?
what you’ve taken was mine,
it’s a vital part of me still,
you’ve seen my insides bleed,
and you’ve watched the pain pour from my eyes,
seen how this can tear me apart,
but you’ve gone and dug at this empty hole,
just when the normality started to settle,
you break the ease in my loss,
stolen closure,
images littered to remind me,
what I’ll never find again.

This pretend game,
With you and me,
Acting like we’re something,
But you could never put forth what it takes to be committed,
Even though I wish you would,
Say it say it, you want only me,
Romantic ideals appear but vanish quickly,
When reality hits,
It happens solely in movies,
Why can’t my life turn out that way?
One day I hope you’re ready,
If not for me, she better deserve it,
You might come around after it’s too late,
After I’ve long given up on you,
It’s the way karma runs,
I might play a fool for you now,
But this dreaded love can’t last,
It’s probably just made up in my head,
If you don’t love me yet, there’s not much that could change,
I am what’s set before you,
How unexciting unfolded,
Could you walk awhile in my dreams,
Tell me things you can’t say aloud.

Days gone by
And you’ve dissipated
I’m starting to think you might be dead,
No sign of life from where I left you last,
Is the tumor in your head erupting,
Finally karma catching up,
Twist with a nail in your side,
One situation you can’t hide from,
All your secrets spill,
I know what you’ve been keeping,
Try to cover your tracks,
But in the end they always find out,
Have you been honest all this time,
Are you worth the worry?
Persuade me,
Show me you’re worth this wondering,
And live up to your mystery?

i’ve seen a new perspective,
and I don’t need you like I thought I might,
I take all I can get from you,
But it’s never enough,
You’re never willing to give more,
So why should I wait and hope
someday you’ll be mine,
you’ll always be the same,
I can’t rely on you,
you have a way of disappearing,
it’s the idea of you I love,
but not who you are and how you make me feel,
I don’t think I care as much as I should,
You’ll never be able to commit to anything,
If you were mad about me I’d know it,
But I don’t think you give a damn,
How many girls like me are you stringing along?

I’ll let you sleep on it,
Think about my kiss when it’s not available,
You can't hold me when I’m not around,
So count your lonely days without me,
Before you call me,
This is how it feels to never have me,
Can you live like that?
Is it easy enough?
I don’t want to be at your disposal any time you need,
But you’re never at mine,
I can’t put myself out there,
If you don’t want me like I want you,
These nights where you’re nowhere found,
I keep my composure, I’m fine staying home alone,

i don't know why i,
can look you in the eye and tell myself that this is okay,
when you don't try and you don't care,
so why should i?
do i even still?
am i just wasting time?
have you realized?
are your intentions just fantasized,
shouldn't you be scared since you lost me before.
it doesn't matter now.
you're out for deviation,
i'm searching for an easy separation,
letting you fall behind.
i'm making connections to rise above.

I think about you so much,
Wonder what if I did that, what if I said that,
Would things have ended up differently,
Would I still have a place with you?
You look so good to me now,
I can’t have you,
How many second chances did I blow?
How can I get back to the days,
Where you and I existed,
I miss the happy person I was with you.

You’re so contradicting
As soon as I think you’re coming around,
You’re a sharp curve away from a loaded gun,
I can’t give you up in case you turn into what I’ve foreseen,
But if it never happens, I’ve been wasting time I can’t get back,
Losing someone who would have been best for me,
Do I take the chance? I don’t want to leave empty handed,
I’m ready to give so much, is it worth it to lose it all to you,
exchanged for nothing.

i've been trying to sleep,
but these visions of you keep getting in my head,
getting in the way.
i'm doing all i can to keep it inside,
thought i was through with everything you.
Discarded the past, now you're invading the present,
bringing those feelings back i never wanted,
i know better than to say it out loud.
everyone disagrees, everyone sees through your facade.
---
isn't this the same way we end up?
i'm waiting by the phone with no hope you'll pull through,
gloomy reality.
simple things mean the most,
how little effort it takes to do what you say,
i'm fed up, it's growing tired, this repetition,
how could i have expected that you've changed.

every time i seem to get too far from you,
you're there, ready to be my everything,
still you struggle with something i can't see,
you don't know the right way to treat me,
i know in some way you care, kuz you hold on,
i get so frustrated kuz i can't figure you out, you can be so cold sometimes,
i just don't know what to do about you,
should i leave, should i keep you with me?
which way is it meant to be?
wish i knew what it would take for you to be what i need for me.

It gets to the point where I’m almost touching it,
Almost reached my dreams,
But there’s always a dead end standing in my way,
No way to jump the distance,
Just watch it sit so far from me,
If you push me, I’ll just fall over,
If you tell me, i’ll shut you out,
Believe me I feel it like it’s really happening,
This time and next time it ends the same,
No need to speak, I need to be left alone,
to untie these complications,
don’t do me any favors,
your presence is no charity,
I decided,
It doesn’t matter,
The amount you may have meant,
And the way things weigh themselves out to be,
Not important in the slightest,
I’ve found purpose,
Only death breathes inside your shameless soul.

How low I feel.
to see you, hands entwined with another,
after my heart accepts your apology,
how do I feel inside?
my walls tearing down,
no more pain, I swore,
you've broken your last chance,
all I can read is revenge,
behind my eyes burst,
all I want is to know you're gone,
please don't return to me,
it's stupid to have these feelings for you still,
when all you've done is do me wrong,
I don't want to be be weakened by you,
you were never worth the fuss,
you're not worth any tears i'd spent getting over you.

Nice girls always finish last,
no word of lie,
i'm tired of standing in the shadows,
being picked last, left alone,
bad luck will follow me wherever I go - near or far.
i'm the only one who's shrouded in silence, bitterness.
not desired, powerless, repelling,
that's just me in this permanent rut,
I can't rise above it,
watching those around me admired.
I thought i'd overcome this dry spell,
but i'm convinced i'm hopeless,
knowing what I want will never be an option,
how can anything change my mind?
I'm so deep down in here,
up to my knees in despair.
I wear my shell inside out.

What’s holding you back,
If you seemed so sure before,
Now you’re second guessing
how much hold you have on me.
If I’ve burned you once before,
This may be your last chance,
The truth is you’re just filling time,
Wrapped in fraudulent feeling,
Should you be so self righteous?

I dreamed of you,
After so long,
I fell in love with you again,
But knew it could never be,
I was intercepted by your proposal on my way to flee the country.
What an unexpected concept to envision,
How did you know to find me there?
only in dreams, these things come true,
Makes me so unsure of everything I’ve felt about you,
How haphazardly my feelings flew.
But words of commitment exist only in my unconscious.
Everything you felt, I overlooked.
Always puzzled,
I didn’t know what to do with so much emotion.
Sometimes I wonder if you might come around.
To be the one for ever after.
I should know better.
With all I’ve put you through,
I’m surprised you’d still care to know me.
Although distance and a busy life keep you,
I wish I could take mistakes back and be there for you.

How is it spelled,
How does it sound?
How does it feel to touch with your hands?
If you sing to me, I might fall in love,
Oh the sensations from your creations,
Creeping into me.

Found myself fond of your sparkling eyes,
Always shining, revealing your delight,
How excited you grew so quickly,
Never knew you had it in you,
There’s always darkness behind the light,
I’d say something to set you off,
You’d go for hours, relentless,
When you grew quiet,
I’d wait for your rage to rise again,
How do you leave, when it’s all you’ve lived.

for my Lex.
do you remember me?
how long will i stay with you?
there's a gaping hole that i've imparted,
why haven't you come back to me?
are your memories of late so great, ours have been replaced?
do you miss me?
will we grow further apart?
what we had makes me so sad kuz i'll never find another you.
i will never feel at ease even though i know you're happy.
you didn't look back when you left for the last time.
i tried to be strong, going on, but i've never felt so wrong.
every night i reunite with the past, i want to go back.
there was no bright sunlight like you illuminated my life,
now i am truly alone.
i don't care about anything that remains.

why is it so hard to find?
i'm taking on all your problems.
bound to pity, i feel guilty.
i try too hard to take the weight.
no one deserves to be unfortunate.
why does it happen?
what can i do?
i can't save anyone.

where it stands.
i'm not worried about you.
not caught up in your business anymore,
curious how you think i feel,
if you still sit high on a cloud of conceit,
it's hard to come down once you get there,
maybe your brain will burst,
did i find you too absorbed, all wrapped up in yourself?
yeah it's sickening,
how could i put up with you.
mistook the attention for your affection,
you only fancy yourself.
put me down if i start to sound better than you.
it can't be true!
hard to face the truth isn't it?

haha new shit here it is.
with each passing opportunity,
it always gets easier,
finally someone sees me for what i am,
no expectations,
1 day passed slowly,
even though it's not for me,
it's still nice know,
it's good to hear these things,
such little details make the biggest differences,
seek me out, if you can find me i might change my mind,
although i know nothing about you,
how can you make such a rash judgement?
my mind's in 10 million places,
here i go overthinking again,
i don't want the same old situation,
i could do without.

Father figures? I think not.
Let me start my beef with my stepdad, who acts like he's 5 years old. Grow some balls, seriously, and say what you mean. Don't be an ass behind my back and pretend to my face like the world is shitting lollipops and roses. The world doesn't work that way. Fuck him for not letting me bring my dog home anymore. I've got news for him, this is my god damn house too. The worst part about it is, the act he puts on as if he absolutely adores my dog, but after i leave he "suggests" my mother clean up the house and then complains about the scratches on the floor. You were just a little TOO fast to jump on the internet and post an ad for a free rotti, without telling me too. What a fantastic way to win my trust and admiration. Just a quick question, but if i didn't like your daughter and i told you to get rid of her do you think that would work? Nahh i didn't think so... To my mother who has no backbone, i have nothing nice to say to you either.
Then there's my real Father, or lack thereof considering he disappears for months at a time. No time to spend with me on my birthday - or even during the following 2 weeks, then no call for months. Thanks, I feel loved. Sure a present is really nice.. but i'd rather know you exist than receive gifts.

life isn't fair.... they say everything happens for a reason.. yeah i think that's bullshit now.

Tedious to please.
you were,
I thought I knew you,
you used to try a little,
you knew exactly what you were doing,
to me,
kidnapped my common sense,
built up my contempt towards you,
one mistake and you're giving up,
A coward, can't let emotions show,
like you're so hard nothing touches you,
you were so much better than any other,
but once it changes,
you lose all you held over them,
how do you look now to the outside?
I know you won't come through,
too selfish and proud,
I wouldn't want you now anyway,
I see how doomed we were,
from the beginning,
you're never wrong,
and I,
too stubborn to believe it,
A licensed liar,
persuasive and deceiving,
I knew you couldn't be everything you made yourself seem.

Leaving the country, leaving you behind,
i hope that in your head,
your brain keeps ticking,
like every minute without me is a nightmare,
you can't breathe, you feel the weight digging in,
your lungs are collapsing,
i look better than you remember,
than you've imagined in your mind,
falling, folding, kneeling, holding.....

This is kinda new, but I’m going to recommend some of my fav songs here. I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do. P.S – NO laughing!

Time Spent Driving – Rain on Sundays/If the Fault Fits/Sleep and Matchbooks/Flicker
Tori Amos – Siren/Northern Lad/IIEEE/Hey Jupiter
Incubus – Echo/I Miss You
Matchbox 20 – Bright Lights,
Alkaline Trio – Blue in the Face/If We Never Go Outside
Beyonce – Me, Myself & I
Bic Runga – Sway
Bright Eyes – I Watched You Taking Off
Burning Airlines – Pacific 231
Coldplay – The Scientist
Emm Gryner – Boy Races/Serenade
Fiona Apple – Never is A Promise
Garbage – Milk/Push it
Holly McNarland – Elmo/Porno Mouth/Dallas
Janet Jackson – If
Jawbreaker – Jet Black
Jets to Brazil – Sea Anemone/Sweet Avenue
Joe Budden Feat. Busta Rhymes – Fire
Julie Doiron – So Fast/The Best Thing for Me
Last Days of April – The Days I Recall Being Wonderful/I’m Calm Now/All Will Break/Slow Down
Limblifter – Ariel Vs Lotus/Tinfoil
Mad Caddies – Any song!
Madonna – Love Profusion/Material Girl/Express Yourself/Like A Prayer
Mars Volta – Concertina
Mary J Blige Feat. Eve – Not Today
Matt Good – ahh pretty much anything!
Michelle Branch – Breathe/Tuesday Morning/Are You Happy Now
Missy Elliot – Dog in Heat
Mya - Fallen (remix)
No Doubt – It’s My Life/Don’t Let Me Down
Open Hand – Time To Talk/11th Street
Sarah McLachlan – Fallen
Saves the Day – (everything off Stay Where You Are)/Hold/Tomorrow Too Late/Driving in the Dark/Wednesday the Third
Sheryl Crow – The First Cut is the Deepest/I Shall Believe
Silverchair – ANY
Sleater Kinney – Anything off “One Beat”
Rise Against – Like the Angel
Strung Out – Cemetery
Swingin Utters – Next In Line/As You Start Leaving
Taking Back Sunday – You’re So Last Summer
Tamia Feat Talib Kweli – Officially Missing You (remix)
Thursday – ANY
The Get Up Kids – Close to Me/Mass Pike
The New Amsterdams – Hanging On For Hope/Worse For the Wear

Leave me here with my remarks,
It’s a fool’s playground,
This world,
You all look the same,
Sound the same, move the same way,
Play the same games,
Brush me away, save your distaste for the next day,
None of this makes any sense,
Your defensiveness,
A little problem you can’t fix,
A little pain and you get your kicks,
How funny is it really?
Abandoning what you can’t control,
What happened to fighting for what you want?
You just sit back and watch it blow past,
Emotions unfamiliar, you’re suppressing,
Do you really think it doesn’t show?
What keeps you keep up this charade?
I’ll stay indoors and wait for you to burn in the sun,
Maybe someday you’ll discover,
Why it is you suffer so discreetly,
Not an enviable place to be,
How does it feel to deprive yourself?
I couldn’t understand anyone,
With your mentality,
Dysfunctional, fucked up,
How does it feel to be looked at like that?

I was looking for someone to waste away with,
Oh but you wouldn’t do, you wouldn’t have it,
Fooled me for awhile, but hiding’s never easy,
It all comes out after time,
Like a curse you turned out to be,
just my luck, it never changes,
So here’s the end, hope we never meet again,
No I’m not pretending, I’m really fine,
An apology would be nice,
But I would never expect so much of you,
All I really wanted was to find someone,
I could fade into, blend like the sand,
There was a home for you here,
but now there’s no room, I’m full of substitution,
someone show me the world in all it’s blazing glory,
all I need’s a smile, it can last me for awhile,
I choked on the smoke when you burnt out,
I’m not on your side,
It’s a choice you made,
I don’t have to live with the regret,
How much relief did you find?
Did you get gratification from seeing me break?

I guess truth comes to the surface eventually,
I saw the other side,
No one’s ever made me feel as worthless,
To laugh when I cry,
I’d give you a piece of my mind,
But I’m bigger than that,
You don’t deserve the breath between the words,
With no apologies,
You watched me walk out the door,
Tears and heartache on my sleeve,
How funny it seemed to you,
A confused expression,
Bewilderment in your eyes,
The answer comes in clearly,
Yeah you didn’t care,
How cold can you be?
Emotionless when I,
Thought that you weren’t hollow inside,
But you hide it well in the way you move towards me,
I tried, I gave you my best,
But the best is never enough,
Just as I accept that I,
Have let you in,
I hope you’re happy with yourself.

I poured it down my throat,
Your voice brightened every part of me,
Your laugh heightened the rise in me,
I can talk about it now,
You brought inspiration,
When I felt lost, when I felt low,
If I let you go now I might save myself,
But if I give up now I might never know,
What it would have been, what I’ve dreamt I’ve seen,
And what I’ve felt so strong, can’t be wrong,
You can’t be an illusion, leading me astray,
Something so good can’t be true,
I’m so lucky I’ve found you,
Slowly you show me,
What I’ve been hanging on to see,
You’re the focus of my thoughts,
The repetition I can’t break,
A chance I have to take,
Truth is I tried so hard to stay away,
I fought with everything I had, against my will,
But something kept me close and closer still.

Yeah I know the last few have been EXTREME cheese.. hahha i'm sawry!
He made me believe
I was capable of anything,
I met him in the bright sunlight,
When circumstances were wrong,
It all felt right,
So I continued despite,
All the lies I said to save you,
Little did she know,
Feelings would grow,
When it became too hard to hide,
I would still fiercely deny,
You make me patient,
You give me this certain energy
That makes me crazy,
Talking all night,
Arguing over who’d kick ass in a fight,
I am soaked with sentiment,
Immersed in his world,
And the bliss I can’t resist that I found in his kiss,
The less he said, the more I shed my inhibitions,
The best time of my life,
Were the days we spent laying around, laughing.

This one isn't finished yet, but i've been trying to write it forever... so here she is..
No one could have prepared me for what I’d find,
This dark storm emerging in your eyes,
I’ll never know if you really mean it.
Now that I’ve realized,
Seems trouble comes to break the moment,
I’ve tried to find it somewhere else,
Knowing once I let you in,
You will violate the great we had,
And I’d be no one again,
But you’re the sole possessor.
I’m afraid of you,
What you’re capable of,
How you could split me in two,
And I would breathlessly oblige.
How can I guarantee anything?
How can I weigh the probability?
That we’ll make it.

It’s easy to hide,
Baby I run away,
From everything,
And since I’ve found you I’ve grown stronger,
I have no excuses,
To want to leave,
i’m crawling closer,
inching my way to you,
from behind,
so you won’t know what’s coming,
before you know it’ll be too late,
soon you’ll see what you’ve been missing,
while you’ve been miles away,
I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you,
I’m scared you might not say the same,
Things have changed,
For the better it seems,
I’m not asking for anything,
I just want you,
And the days that passed,
Your proximity and our chemistry,
the way you didn’t have to say anything,
it’s inexplicable how you made me,
are you feeding me lines?
Tempting me, daring me to fold?
I have found the greatest mystery,
I will see it through,
I have to, I can’t part with you,

i can't see outside,
the sky is burning,
i'm finding easy ways to hide,
from the madness i live in,
all the feelings i have forced myself to find,
if you like it, you won't be the only one,
i've found all this time,
i can't decide how it should be spent,
it's not best for me, but it works for you,
i grin and go along,
i came here to find a piece of mine,
something i can belong to,
your stories are always shorter,
damn your logic, and sensible ideas,
my unconventional selection,
you're staying much longer than i'm accustomed to,
where is this leading, what does this mean?
does it even mean anything?
for a straying heart to grow strong,
it's funny to want what i denied endlessly,
what i never saw has blinded me incredulously.

The first version is always better,
your rough edges make you beautiful,
i cross the dividing line,
between peace and insanity,
trying to read your mind,
a death defied, my questions why,
your heart wrenching reply,
the fear you instill in me,
the possibility that i might actually lose you,
i don't feel the separation,
until i hear your name,
i'll shut you out as long as we're away,
i heard your voice on my pillow,
a whispering i could not ignore,
do i have your reasoning right?
i'd take the train to see you sleep,
listen to you breathe quietly and so slowly,
i might die if this is it,
i haven't found another with a touch like yours.

I miss you most when I’m home,
Every moment I find myself alone,
When I’m seething inside,
When I have no place to run and hide,
I force thoughts of you away,
The feelings that arise, I won’t let stay,
Won’t let myself fall weak to you,
Like I seem to,
How you get by fine without me,
But I can’t do the same,
Appetite never quite fulfilled,
Leaving me constantly craving more,
Panicked as you dance around settling down,
Will you ever be ready?
Is this as close as I’ll ever come?
Everything that’s important,
Anything that matters I’ve found in you.

I don’t find it hard to think about you,
And I’ve been lost since I met you,
It’s funny how I don’t need you,
But all the while you’re something I crave,
Feel like no one else would want me,
I’m dragging myself along the ground,
Yet when we separate, it’s like I never lived a moment in your life,
Something once significant, easily forgotten,
You’ve got me convinced I can’t get any better,
I don’t deserve more than what finds me,
You’re untouchable when you wish to be,
And I have no control, you run the show,
It’s your word over mine.
I don’t know if it’s just me seeing things this way.
I don’t want to be where I’m standing,
But I’ll never make it past misfortune,

You’re suddenly pushing us into the light,
Not keeping me in the dark,
Has it been worth the wait and strife?
Seems surreal,
When you go away,
You take it all,
I don’t believe it’s real,
You’re always saying you’ll call,
Never to be heard from,
You’re running scared from something,
I’ll never fear you won’t reappear,
I know you’ll find me, surround me soon,
I used to think we were going nowhere,
Now I see a softer light in your eyes,
When you look at me,
You linger just a little longer,
You don’t try to hide it,
I’m not fighting it anymore.
I understand,
you have your own way of showing me,
everything you mean,
I’ll stop trying to make you say it,
I feel what you won’t reveal,

I’m learning to like the slow steps you’re taking,
Just promise me I haven’t been wasting my time.

Just when you think something is over.. it comes back again.. what the F is going on!

Borrowed, stolen,
That which I was,
Misused for your strict pleasure,
Should be a crime,
You have committed, but cannot commit,
There’s a bind that’s been broken,
There’s a sad heart left behind,
But once wounded, twice as strong,
I am back on my feet,
Why are you hiding? Are you ashamed?
Now that you’ve lost me after your mistakes,
What are your excuses to make you right?
You must be hollow, you hold no remorse,
Maybe you thrive for it,
Would I know if I saw it in your eyes?
It should have lasted longer but it didn’t,
With no warning you took everything
If only the situation were reversed,
I’m not in pieces,
Without you I am fine,
It’s hard to be big about it,
It was tough getting myself around it,
You were unfair,
Then again you never cared,
One day you were happy,
Then next you were gone,
If you want me,
You must hunt me,
I’m not coming after you any longer,
Find your own way home.

I'm still in the same spirits as the last time I posted anything on this blogger. I have nothing to write about anymore. It seems all the same things just keep repeating themselves in my life. How do you write about the same thing repeatedly without sounding repetitive. Doesn't work out so well.. Seriously guys must be messed. Where does their logic come from? Do they even have any? I swear all guys are the same. So frustrating to keep meeting the exact same person only in a different body.
But whatever the circumstance, who cares I mean honestly, what difference does one person make? This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but that's ok! haha.. this is my blog and you just have to deal with that fact. It would just be refreshing to know the next boy I meet won't be a jerk! I have a good feeling that he won't.. as I have met him.. and he seems pretty rawkin.. tho I have been wrong before! I'm a loser! Peace Out.

Ah, guys are such assholes!

Do you take comfort in my presence?
What if I withdrawal,
Who would you turn to?
Who would step up next in line?
It’s been slowly dying,
I’m quickly finding,
This is how it feels to be used,
You make it too easy,
To overestimate my worth,
Tell me where I fit it,
I think it’s time I go,
Leave you standing with your indecision,
Everything you sold me,
Nothing I could keep.

Gotta love those people who you've known for such a long time and don't give you any mention in their life stories yet mention someone who they've met like 5 minutes earlier. Hmmm...consider your point made!
I guess new and exciting things always come first.
Although I suppose there are arguably good reasons behind the lack of mention.. still.. it's always disappointing to discover that you're not worthy of any mention in someone who's played a relatively larger role in your life.
Even if you read this and know i'm talking about you, you probably don't care and don't agree with me. But whatever! Stuff happens.

A despotic wind,
Compelling you,
To reach to me,
When you’ve discarded fear,
To embrace my conceit,
All in a joke to pressure you,
I’m not only wanted by one,
Separated you crave what you cannot have,
My immediacy overtakes yours,
The time you wait patiently,
Passes me in distress,
But the longer we part,
The stronger your drive to have,
Impart me with your negligence,
And your magnetism that I can’t escape,
Give me power over you,
To draw you to weakness as I please,
A phase to grow through,
If I last the tide,
will there be bliss to follow?
Is there an end to your approval?
Am I stuck at this stage?
Fending off my advance,
I’m the one who’s asking for more,
Say it with sorrow,
Force your emotions,
Show me a sign they exist,
You’re not releasing me yet,
What’s your motivation?
Don’t you know what it’s worth?
What are you using me for?
I can hold my tongue,
Leaving things unsaid,
Do you value this more than who I am?
If I pushed it would you get up and go?
A reflection of your vacancy,
But am I victim to your deception?
Unacquainted with the passion that lies inside,
Fill me with what you have in store.

Where I left my plane,
Where I took off,
How I found myself a new land to claim,
How I wished that you were with me,
All the while you were atrocious,
You held innocence,
The pieces of you that I kept,
Can’t breathe without the rest,
But I won’t revive your soul,
The impulse to tend to your cries,
Wrap my ears in silence,
So I don’t hear your voice anymore,
Our encounters I take to the grave,
This box of questions remain unanswered,
Thanks to your generous mouth,
How I hoped one day you’d show me,
What I stayed for,
What little fulfillment you allow,
What affection you saw fit,
You withdraw in the best of hours,
It’s deadening,
You come and retract,
Appear and descend,
Mend my broken mind,
Words kill meaning when conflict hits,
Make what you will with what you’re given,
There’s only one life left in me to lose.

Never knew what life had in store for me,
Struggling with love and careful with my steps,
Mistakes repeat themselves before I have the chance to intervene,
The excitement’s riding high, hoping for one returned to me,
Could this be the one I’ve been waiting for?
It would make so much sense,
I found it in the last place I looked,
We’ve both been wandering,
Searching for our break,
To find things that come with ease,
You shouldn’t have to work so hard,
At what’s meant to be,
Many sleepless nights,
I pictured myself falling from heights too high,
Convinced I’ll never know,
every emotion lies,
what am I feeling now?
so numb and fragile,
you’re so pointless now,
you make me worthless,
i’m not this person,
you mold with your bare hands,
every moment you have to spare,
you hold me until I cannot bear,
the dark solitude ahead,
I’m about to even the score,
I’ve been busy since you put me on pause,
Haven’t been waiting,
anticipating your short lived reunion,
I’ve got my list of replacements.

If I could give you one piece of advice,
stand up and go after what you want,
kuz it’s going to be gone,
if you wait too long,
I’ll be outta here,
It’s unavoidable you’re going to be lonely,
The direction you’re headed,
is set for one, you’re on your own,
is that the way you crave it?
I apologize if it’s a fault of mine,
That’s keeping you from me,
but I’m not wasting my life on impossibility,
it’s always what you turn out to be,
you lose in life what you watch walk away,
it’s the one thing that lingers in your memory,
you came to bargain but lost your gull,
contain your secrets with strict self control,
you won’t allow the speech to pass,
keeping me somewhere in the cold.

I can’t be bothered, I can’t be put up to your tests,
Making me feel as though I’m wanted,
Then throwing it all away,
Your typical dramatic flair,
Romance leads to unfulfilled desire,
flying red flags, signaling you’re much too close,
to something you fear, you will never confess,
words that should come easily,
you press into yourself,
no one will ever know you,
what your heart says,
the root of your confusion,
Why am I a part of your careless ignition?
Toss me out as soon as you get the chance,
I don’t this in my life,
I don’t want to feel like I’m never good enough for you,
Impatience driving me to anger,
I can’t take it, been carried on far too long,
i’m breaking myself off from you,
taking the world in, living without you,
deeply breathing, exalting freedom,
no longer a slave to your dictation,
too independent to be tied to your lips,
your vindictive incursions,
impurity finds me as it leaks your soul,
that’s the symbol you’ve carved,
it's not fair that you win everything.

This painstaking process
I’m saving my strength for the day I’ll need it,
To use against you,
So what if I’m emotionless,
Maybe I soak it up,
Keep it hidden, disguise it from you,
What was once forbidden I raced into,
Disobeyed unwritten laws,
Words I’d never imagined saying,
I leapt into the unknown,
You led me to believe many things,
I’ll never hold the answers to,
I want you near,
But not on your fair-weather terms,
Bring me closer to where you lie,
I haven’t felt your touch in too long,
Enrapt in this game you’ve got me surrounded,
You reveal a little more each time you feel me slip away,
I eat it up, forgetting my purpose,
Carries the blood rush to the surface.

lust and love,
a contridiction,
a sick addiction,
i'm opposed to the idea,
i won't invest faith in anything worth mentioning,
unless proven, can never provide reassurance,
why surrender when i'll implode eventually,
mistrust and misfortune, consistant constants,
when there's nothing left but giving up,
nothing to be discovered but bitterness,
what has come around is as lost as i have been,
you're still not searching,
in your mind, you're so refined,
i'm shrouded in a cloud of deflation,
back in the smallest corner of your head, where you put me,
"stay and wait, for when the feeling's right."
the moments when they come with ease,
no broken contact, i am the queen you pretend me to be,
thoughts, they circle around you,
but everything is on your conditions,
the stipulations you raise for me to compete,
who am i running against?
your lips never part, no sound breaks through,
there's a pause where i dissolve into the background,
i know you'll retrieve me, relieve me.
Do you lie or do you just portray?

It’s not the time,
it’s the way you make it,
and I’m not seeming to be effected,
by what you stake and claim and the mess you make,
I’m independent, you can’t shake that,
It doesn’t mean anything that matters most,
Or I hold close,
It’s easy enough to repair,
What’s not there anymore,
You might be too late,
You’ve lost your place since you left it,
Open for occupation,
I won’t retrace my steps to embrace you back,
No returning to fill what you’ve been lacking,
I don’t expect it,
I know how you see it,
I don’t care how you play it.

I believed what I wanted to,
now I see what i've been missing,
every time I decide you've given up,
you appear to change your mind.
the repetition is growing tedious,
you can never set yourself straight,
there's nothing in the circumstances to fulfill,
after it's worn, it's starts to wear off,
you're not owning up to your worth,
the meaning's decreasing, you're losing your hold,
i'm finding appeal in everything you aren't.

Same old brand of asshole.
~*~
So this will be the bitter end
You deceived me,
As you always do,
Turned out to burn out like the rest,
You can’t stand up to tell me to my face,
Where’s your backbone?
You think I’d really care?
Think there’s tears inside for you?
Sadly mistaken, I knew
I could never trust you,
How you play innocent,
You didn’t fool me,
I’ve just been anticipating it’s arrival,
Do you strive for depletion?
I can’t be deflated, knocked down,
How do things change so rapidly,
When night dissolves your iciness grows,
What are you not benefiting?
my appeal unfit for your taste?
Your approach to inform so unrefined and careless,
Detached and dejected you deemed me,
What’s so wrong with me I find myself here?

My cheeks weren’t rosy until I stayed with you,
Am I reading this faster than I can analyze?
Paranoid from past situations like this,
You held me most of the night,
Still kissed me in the morning,
But the goodbye left me feeling cold,
Did we return to where we started from?
I can’t ask how you feel,
If you were even to answer, I may shatter.
But you’re so different from the rest,
Or are you just a better pretender?
You’re the first person to make me feel completely at ease,
There’s something addicting in your ways,
The only person I’ve thrown my all into,

Too hard to choose to lose the one thing that makes you happy.
I can’t give you up after trying so hard.
Life seems too empty when there’s no reason to smile.
I can’t take the hollow feeling,
Too hard to face,
I’ve failed you and I feel so guilty,
I wish I was stronger, wish I had the time,
So unfair,
What hurts the most is knowing the truth,
No matter how hard I try to convince myself,
Giving away the one thing I wanted most,
I can’t bear to think about it,
I can’t get myself around it,

derailed, you threw me off track,
when you called me back,
when you wanted to see me,
i thought it ended that day in the summer,
when you said you didn't have the time to supply,
i wouldn't see you again,
circumstances improved, does this mean anything to you?
is there reason you've kept me on your side?
will all be depleted?
differences arose when i saw you last,
us shifting to the next,
but will it ever make it past?
i don't think you want the trouble.
the satisfaction in your actions
is enough for me to reconsider.
so which is it then?

you want me hopeful,
you want me bright and unattainable,
but you know how easily i fold in your arms,
there's a break in motion,
an ache i can't cure,
you're reminding me,
how weightless i used to be,
if we've made it this far,
can i count on progression,
not regression,
and a hand held proud?
will i be right this time?
Will I stay,
In reverie with you,

Happiness sucks! Kuz as long as you're in that state, you can only anticipate the end.

Where it stops and it goes,
Where your heart lies nobody knows,
Couldn’t you love, wouldn’t you give it all?
Just to take the plunge, for the high of the fall,
More than willing, others wait for you,
But in your mind this is a game,
Without realization your intentions cruel,
I don’t want to be the one who gets left behind,
But where the warmth grows and burns your cheeks crimson,
So silly to believe perfection can survive,
I’m waiting for the worst to come,
Render me surprised,
Open my eyes,
To find your feelings never changed.
Will you ever be so sure,
For the first time without confusion and conversion,
Discover satisfaction in one.
~*~
I’m always looking for deeper answers,
Kuz you’re never letting me in on anything,
So much I want to learn,
But if you can’t tell me, still I’ll yearn.
Stop saving up your mystery,
It’s only adding to my misery.
I keep replaying those sweet moments,
Incase they suddenly are stolen away.

And you sway and you turn away,
When I want to give, when I want to relive,
And you disappear when I crave you most,
When you should be here, you’re nowhere near,
The times I wait for your call, I know I won’t hear from you at all,
You take and wrap me in,
It’s fake and I’m seething in my skin,
But I try to bring you back, to fill this vapid crack,
The moments you show me it’s strong enough to last,
Are replaced by emptiness, the bitter cold is approaching fast,
Where will you have me stored when winter sets in?

Here I’ve been
Letting you lead me
Away from desire,
You tread closer to destruction
Further from where I stand,
You want me wandering,
Far from you,
The bliss of my forgotten existence,
Held strong,
Still I hang on,

and a dial that I hear in your tone,
so familiar and so welcoming,
unawakening since i've been waiting,
left so empty and uninspired,
haven't picked up where we ended,
where I left myself laying,
til I found you I didn't feel desolation,
all I hear is the same old words,
same old hollow speech,
that I hold you to,
I felt so new, felt so used,
I watched you with discretion.

Sorry I haven't written or even posted anything in a long while..i've just been so damn busy! Getting a puppy is a lot more work than I anticipated.. but definitely worth it. If I could post some pics of Lexus, I would.. but I'm not sure how to post pics on this blogger thing! Anyways, I've gotta get back to my responsibility, fun for me, she's been puking pretty much all morning.. I think I even saw a boot come out of her.. yeah I know that's not funny, but for being awake all night for the past week, that's the best i've got!

You won’t leave me alone,
You follow me to my dreams,
I’m throwing away all my thoughts of you,
Replace with fresh hope for new beginnings,
But I don’t believe in myself,
You were the last to murder my optimism,
Now you’re non-existing,
A threat to my demeanor,
But I can’t please you,
I can’t capture your attention,
Now that you’ve seen better,
A base to my derision,
Found a place to lose without grace,
You want me miserable if I can’t have you,
A smile has never been more satisfying,
If only I could watch you seethe,
Could you be a little prouder,
To see me fall behind,
I thought I felt you care for me,
I really felt what I wanted to feel,
All along you anticipated the end,
I expected more,
Then your lousy goodbye,
It’s all I have to hold on to.

You’re not worth it,
I tell myself,
What is it about you,
That stays with me,
Like a daunting reminder,
How I felt with you,
You grew colder,
You won’t admit it,
Although you showed it
That you’re through with me,
Once the initial excitement’s over,
There’s no reason for you to hang around,
Do you regret the time that’s been spent?
Is it all the same to you?
Would you grant me answers,
Never too sure,
When your distaste will arise,
I want to shut you out,
never let you cross my mind,
or wonder what you do at night,
so if I go, then I’m taking my sanity with me,
I’m littered with bitterness,
Cause I wasn’t worth the endeavor,
Looks bad on your part,
Emotions moderate,
I don’t feel the edge of the fire that’s burning out,
There’s a mark left behind,
Your name’s engraved in all the ghosts of your adoration,
A cowards pride is his prized possession.

I couldn't see it,
until I pushed us apart,
the ruins you set me out to be,
everyone could see it,
I finally believe,
couldn't leave you in your unstable/broken state,
but I had to break free,
i've never been lower than where you wanted me,
a smile made me guilty and oh so selfish,
like your life was the only one that existed,
the rage you unleashed on me,
a thousand bruises,
lining up my insides,
screams you threw at me,
and all the silence clouded between,
it became too much,
I had to breathe,
the weight that's been lifted,
can't face you again,
I can't bear it again,
you've been using me,
abusing me to place yourself on a pedestol.

it's all over me,
and i'm all about you,
burned by your flesh,
your breath,
i'm breathing you in,
intoxicated, invigourated,
the heat is rising,
i'm hypnotized,
feels so nice,
never wanna leave,
I could stay with you forever,
you move me so easily,
i'm taken quickly,
so geniune when i question your intentions,
you take offense when i protest,
I wish you'd prove me with words as much as you show me in your ways.

You can't be real.
The way you dress the way you walk & talk,
way you keep things inside,
it just can't be you,
Putting on a tough front,
never letting things get through,
acting like nothing gets to you,
you're better than that,
i've been here for you,
you haven't been near for me,
not down for me like you used to be,
the excitement's over,
no reason to be bolder,
back when we'd talk for hours,
now you're never there,
I don't like where this is going,
but i have no choice,
I know you've been busy,
getting busy behind my back no doubt,
lost my trust in you,
I know you're gonna keep on doing what you do,
there's no stopping you,
too much time to think,
so much space to fill,
sometimes i wish i'd never met you,
you make me so crazy wondering,
I guess you've been distracted,
found yourself attracted to someone new,
no room for me,
can't show me that you care,
i'm worn right through,
so tired of wanting you.

I'm not sure if anyone bothers to come here anymore... I mean I wouldn't, I'm a terrible poster.. I can go weeks without posting.. I am deeply apologetic for that.. I just haven't been putting any good material together lately.. I mean read it.. the recent posts are crap! In fact it's all crap... but I guess if no one reads it then it doesn't matter! Summers winding down.. almost back to skool and I'm dying to get out of here! At least i'll have a 4 day vacation from the great town of BB ... I've been over socialized in the past few weeks.. so i'm trying to take a break from that .. it's been unsuccessful.. apparently all my other friends are just emerging out of hibernation... It'll be good to see some of them again. Some really weird things have been going down lately.. Not sure where it's all coming from.. but I have no choice but to just go with it.. someone tell me why it's been calling for Thunderstorms for the past 3 weeks and it still hasn't stormed?! So I have a great debate going on.. whether to get a labaret piercing or not? The whole nose ring business didn't werk out very well... I'm missing my facial piercing.. the nose ring i'm afraid is just getting too popular.. you know it's bad when everyone around you wants to get one.

You don't see through me,
do you see through me?
I was born to kill,
I was taught to hunt,
everyone is innocent,
they're all weak,
~
the law of new beginnings,
i'll never be a part,
the safest place inside myself,
you will forgive me,
will you forgive me?
~
I bore all i saw,
it's all I could handle holdling,
put the weight upon myself,
and let the sick lie,
it's all coming down, it's all come undone,
this is what's left,
~
i'm crawling back to the surface,
will you meet me in green?
where will I find my head?
have I lost my mind?
buried underground,
~
this life to die,
this life divine,
he's to savour,
love's a lie, (I can't fathom)
truth's a bitch,
~
there's no one home,
i'll lay alone,
tonight and for much longer,
because I don't believe,
lucky i'm not like the others,
i don't need anyone,
~
the sweet taste lasted for awhile,
but the bitter end always reigns,
the dark clouds are here to stay,
~
I know you're just another,
am I just another?
I felt it go in your touch,
I want to lack emotion,
you put me up to so much,
I put up with too much,
I want to lose you,
but I can't seem to, (hell is your picnic)
and yeah i've done you wrong,
everything I do is wrong,
is a spoiled soul worth saving?
is a soiled slate worth seething?
Grin and bear it baby.

You’re always so hot and cold,
I know I should just put you behind me,
I’d be better off that way,
But it’s so hard when you want it so much,
I think I’m falling further away,
you look so small from where I’m standing,
the distance is growing,
I can’t help but blame myself,
Wondering what I’m doing wrong,
But I know it’s all you,
You just don’t see what you used to,
I’ve worn my welcome with you,
I should stop running from reality,
To face truth that you weren’t meant for me,
But you come around just when I’m getting over you,
You suck me back in and I give in,
I curse myself for being so weak,
But one day, it will be too late,
And I won’t greet you the same way anymore.
Would that make you happy,
Could you live without me in your life?
Knowing I would never crawl back to you,
I hope you’re ready, cause that day is coming soon

I can sing with sorrow,
And would you recognize it?
I sense a change coming,
But it’s in me,
I thought you would make things better,
I thought you could make it go away,
But you just don’t care about anything,
what changed after me?
There’s no sense of ease between us,
I’ll accept the blame,
I didn’t mean to leave,
Why aren’t you trying harder to win me back?
It’s taking far too long,
I feel like i’m at wit’s end,
I’ve got nothing to draw you in,
I swear I saw that light in your eyes,
If just for a moment it existed,
Tell me that I was only seeing what I wanted to see,
Say it, you can’t put your trust in me again,
I know I blew it for myself,
But a glimmer of hope is enough to dance with the idea

From a dawning light,
You peer through,
My spine becomes your playground,
And it’s obvious it could kill,
But it brightens and twists further,
The inescapable has tangled me in tight,
Words I give without meaning, are full of fire,
I’m an accidental addition, I’m not the only one,
I try to stop, I try to be who I am inside,
You came to shred my innocuous world apart,
You came to change me,
Now i’ve got a thirst for wayward pursuits,
My quiet mouth,
It must end although I’m aching for it,
You don’t seem too concerned,
if this devastating circumstance unveiled,
I’ll drown in a pool of my own destruction

I can't seem to write anything worth posting at the present moment.. it's been long since I looked at some of my work and haven't thought "wow this is complete and utter crap"... life is at a boring lull right now. .so I have nothing to write about.. hopefully it will all end soon.. and things will start picking up.. until then.. I apologize..

Tired, fragile thing,
Attached to destruction,
And you’re lusting after hurt,
Throwing away composure for turbulence,
Why are you after everyone?
Desperate for affection, gathered in masses

You told me the world was coming,
The prophets couldn’t read me like you,
And I saw what I felt but it wasn’t near enough,
And all the opposites occur,
Found myself in the middle,
Without the strength to give this unnerving speech,
Unrequited love, it’s not just me that’s amiss,
I’m catching the fallen hearts,
I don’t want the burden anymore,
I want this to be real, I’m tired of misconceiving how they feel,
Misdirected my way, they come
never too sure who to count in,
it’s too tragic to be true,
but I’ve been fighting to get through to you,
waiting gets so tedious, I’m unaware and it’s ridiculous,
how can it be gone, how can feelings fade,
when mine have stayed so long,
was it ever there,
could you just be scared?
this trilogy of intricacies,
why must I abide,
these incoherent rules,
I’ve been run out and into the ground,
now I won’t be turning back around,
I should have known better than to believe,
Everything happens the way it’s supposed to.

an excuse,
with words you disguise what i interpret as truth,
are you half joking?
i'll claim your humor and you mistake mine,
how could i be involved,
this line i cross,
must be treason, betrayal, deceit,
always the person you love most,
represented purity,
a quiet lie,
this is how i wilt,
the arise of weakness,
harm without intent,
how could i forgive devious indulgence,
if it weren't mine,
let the blood rush to my head.

In the eyes you used to see me through,
Maybe I get a little confused,
It won’t last,
Don’t get so uneasy,
when you see me walking past,
down hallways that exist in your mind,
I have to relive so I don’t forget,
Could be a sign,
You were meant to be mine,
I wish my heart to stone,
I’m bored debating the politics of being alone,
I’ll let you draw the conclusion on your own,
I promise I’ll stop saying how I miss you,
It seems to have lost it’s charms too,
It’s always me finding you,
But I’m leaving it,
Bittersweet endings,
You never heard of.
~You weren’t aware,
I could never find nerve to speak it,
So I keep it unspoken,
Let you go on unknowing,
Chemicals leaking,
Feelings i’m not dealing with anymore,
It’s better to be oblivious,
You don’t know how much trouble I’d be saving,
Tell me different, what would the option bring?

It was vague, you were there,
you were blurred in visions of heat,
it was a moment captured long ago,
came to revisit from my memory,
in this sudden haze you had me,
taken quickly I was high off the amazement hidden in your lips,
You speak to me on a new level,
as if I had dissipated,
fallen closer as a friend,
somewhere deep in my mind at night,
you transcend,
I know what you're after,
everything alters with seasons come and gone,
never will I fully let you go,
And you cross my mind, time to time,
but you've made a home here,
you keep quiet, arising sometimes,
I can never quite make up my mind,
do you leave your door open for me,
If I crawled in would you take me honestly,
But i'm aware reasons behind,
why i'm not beside you now,
they seem so unclear.

Do you wait for me to slowly melt,
into an unpleasant human condition,
so you can find some fault in me,
I was never perfect, it's obvious,
why don't you love me anyway!
I suppose i've carried on too long,
why am I still thinking it could be true,
we'd never stand a chance,
I will falter and you will fall,
have you grown so sturdy,
you tower over me,
i'm here,
i'm the one waiting for you to come around,
funny how positions flip,
I haven't yet decided, it's taken me years to get here,
to reach uncertainty,
beaten in the back of my mind,
this jury can't agree,
i'll always want you,
and to run from you,
what scares me?
do you know?
you can read my mind,
and I know yours better than my own,
you're desperate and loathing,
i'm just bitter,
let's connect!
we could destroy the world with intellect,
I don't want to cause harm,
but maybe you can offer me damage this time,
I'll admit I miss you tonight,
what was my reason,
so irrelevant now,
how could you forgive me so easily?
so cold, so cruel, so ignorant back then.
~A slight longing for the past,
the nights I was falling over,
but you were contagious, I couldn't resist,
the first true person,
embeded with my trust,
the first I want to turn to still,
all these things that live and breathe inside me,
why did I lose the moment,
was I right?
why am I still second guessing?
should I try to mend this,
would you even want me?
long after the picture faded,
silent with the sound of heavy rain,
and your kisses,
that summer night.

the accused cannot be held,
for innocence grips behind,
i'm always guilty to you,
you never rest until you know,
every word exchanged,
what's wrong with wanting more,
if it's all in my head,
there's nothing coming,
i'm sinking underneath,
where's the one to pull me from destruction?
was I the reason, I know i'm not,
it's just imagination,
with the idea set,
why is he silent?
actionless,
after he speaks curiosity,
wait, is it my turn to take the reigns?

Should have kept the words inside,
Now you follow my every reverie,
As if it’s full of important memory,
All things I think and feel,
Every emotion I deemed real,
You take it deep within you,
To believe my false interior,
I warned you,
But it sounds too close to truth,
Twisted with desire and wicked deception,
I aim for destruction,
Unconsciously, the ruins trail
Corroding everything I wanted to last,
why do I devise these plans to entice?
All laughter ends in desolation,
Never am I allied with censure,
I didn’t mean to let you break,
I must have been made to be alone,
Cannot let one get by,
These resilient walls,
Assembled to attack,
Constructed to protect,
Have I grown to be this way?
The heavy haunting in my head,
My heart,
You know the laceration,
I think that I’ve lost you,
But I never belonged to you,
Did you engrave it in me to set astray?
Maybe I’m just running,
Did you teach me to conceal til I collapse?
As if an empty lesson could be contained,
Should I be condemned for the mold you left for me.
It’s hard to forgive when I don’t have the answer,
And I’m too afraid to ask.

jumped the imminent gun,
it was bound anyway,
but if you could change,
if i could transform,
maybe happiness could override,
i am one for derision,
fixed my back against foray,
slippery words sliced between,
lips hidden but revealed unapprised,
the implication reigns,
a constant worry I could live without,
mark me selfish,
mark me unjust,
I would have tried for you,
I was not built to bend,
unforeseen constraint,
apology without repentance,
cast your judgement,
mark me mistaken,
mark me iniquitous,
cannot say i'm appeased,
misplaced attempt to convince,
worthy of delay.

They’re crawling on my skin,
Invading my security,
and warmth I’ve felt within,
Losing my place in stability,
indecision over our demise,
have you gotten further behind?
What you want I can’t give you,
So what makes you stay?
Have I become a opportune diversion?
Is it dying as fast as it began?
There’s not enough of me to suit your needs,
Could you prove me wrong?
Would you say you’d live without it just as long,
I can’t resurrect wounds that never healed,
Awkward exposure I must to evade,
you want to liberate me,
But I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,
How have you made it this far?
Won’t be long before you’re turning back,
If I could have you without obstruction,
if you’d be willing to sacrifice,
No one could make me change my mind.

I can read the disappointment in your face,
Surfaced and hung heavy in your eyes,
We can still cross that line,
When it comes down to due time,
An uncertain hesitation,
But I want to forget my fears for you,
How can I give you nothing in return,
I feel so demanding,
How can I show you I’m grateful?
How can I keep you here,
This is how I let go,
I don’t know how to say,
You mean this much,
Are my actions amiss?
I’ll never understand,
Why I find it so hard,
Can you linger through it,
Until I find my way,
How far can we go
Without losing you,
Without losing myself,
Arrantly vital to you,
I just wish it didn’t subsist,
As if discretion could be followed,
I will dissenter in the end,
Longing to offer what I can’t impart.

The longer I wait
The less I believe those benevolent words,
Is this a test?
Sorry I’m not as structured as the rest,
I live concealed,
I hide the best I can,
if you don’t chase me, I won’t return,
it’s not to say I don’t feel the same,
as if my effort weren’t little enough,
you were on an elevated level,
so why should I try,
if I’ve never been good enough to suit you,
you may say a modest otherwise,
but you can’t view this through my eyes,
Do I deserve the elated state I disguise?
Can’t you see I’m separating?
My decadence released,
I’m struggling, but what for?
Neurotic illusions,
Only demise can arise when perfection is present,
I doubt the trust you lay before me,
If you cared that much would I know it?
I feel ashamed burning time much too quickly,
your euphoric eminence inculcates,
how could I learn to erase your essence.

the art is in his voice,
where he sings so gracefully,
folds me in sweetly,
and I stand capsized,
drawn into his world,
where it is only I and the sound,
all distractions cease,
I follow with an eager heart,
all directions commanded,
like a sleepwalker inside a utopian dream,
trapped but I never want to leave,
new tattooed part of me,
I am his addition,
the darkness has faded,
flood of brilliant light,
his wisdom and elegance,
a match for me to make,
while they fall apart, he falls together,
his beautiful transition,
in the wake of my eyes,
skin i'll never touch,
absence of flaw in his design,
the radiance I feel.

how ungrateful you've grown,
in such high regard i held you,
now you've tripped over swollen pride,
I hate the transformation,
the things you said you'd never be,
all just bullshit that you kept feeding me,
i'm taking the time to remind,
that the lustre inside you has died,
I saw you fade, felt you fold,
you're dancing on disgrace,
lost warmth within your face,
a shame to lose someone who meant so much.

Thought I’d never see such a vile glow,
And it struck like a hurricane blow,
it was present but it was my own,
an abysmal self creation,
what happened to my absolute dedication,
a shattering silence infusing the room,
piercing our hearts far too soon,
rolled back to the beginning,
this time hoping to collect the winning,
your universal generosity,
a parallel to my perspective,
if I could give a little more,
your candor conflicts my independence,
you’ve ended my life’s penury,
I expect your words to be full of meaning,
Will not allay false assurance,
Say straight what you portend,
Don’t make me retreat to my defense,
Never a reason to retract into refuge,
Are we ephemeral, can we transcend?
Overrun with alacrity,
Do not arise in vagary,
Conversion to my recidivist form,
Labeled laconic,
that’s who I’ve always been,
a series of sinuosity,
your beguilement remains ubiquitous,
reach me while I’m isolated,
watch my belied emotion decant,
I will repress the fallaciousness inside,
And fight for our fortitude.

From the initial sting,
You had this plan,
How suave and smoothly you’d take me,
Whisk me from existence as I knew it,
Lock me in and then unravel yourself,
Show me your unexpected nature,
Fall in line with the rest,
Trick me into short lived bliss,
Surreal spontaneity used only to get through to me,
Are you doing this for yourself?
Make me feel what you think I want to feel,
Nourish words that can’t be real,
I’m tired of the same old careless ways
You appeared to be an exception,
but I was fooled into trusting you,
how can I rely on a striking façade?
All along I thought you weren’t getting to me,
That I’d shrug off any careless actions,
But I’ve discovered I was wrong,
The dark skies are rolling in,
And where are you to greet them with me?
How hard can it be,
to keep arrangements you made with me?

Watching the water,
Waiting for what’s harder,
Didn’t want to miss out on good things,
Waiting for what’s to come,
What’s next to discover,
Curiosity catching hold,
Where will you take me?
Suspended in your arms,
Held up,
Used by the light in your eyes,
Maybe I won’t mind,
Will I linger for longer?
More than “I’ve been here before”
Seems apparent, evident in my skin,
Just a little fierce and with slight fear,
I will detach from obstruction,
Would you lie to keep me here?
Can you wait as long as it takes to get there?
Lavished saccharine acclaims
My essence: raw and innocent,
Can I contend?
Dulcet compliance.

How can I learn to be carefree?
Still and not struggle,
A stare that cannot break,
How it feels to fall fast,
With speed agile,
Sets me uneased,
I don’t want to surrender,
I fear you won’t be there when I wake,
How did I become someone,
You chose to adore,
I never imagined you’d grow more divine
Than at first glance,
So many confessions,
Innocent professions,
I’d answer only for you,
I’m at home, I’m myself with you,
Tell me everything there is to gather,
It’s clearer this time,
So much simpler this time,
I’d like to stay just like this,
Lay in the weight of your selfless kiss,
Untouchable, wrapped in this moment,
Just as we are,
As close to perfection as we can attain.

Good to know it was good for nothing,
Since when has a solid effort meant,
When we’d come all this way,
Thought support would be appreciated,
You’re making it not enough,
It ceases to be,
Anything in relation to me,
But it’s always a different story,
Tell me your side, it wins flawlessly,
You imply that I have nothing,
Nothing in comparison to you,
Only shallow opulence,
you own and display,
you’re too ahead to care to see behind,
that’s where you’ll find me.

in a new state,
a fresh development,
can you bear it, can you stand it?
close your eyes if you don't like what you see,
it will remain, it will never go away,
for once i'm taken much too sweetly,
what makes this different from times before?
you shone and you were glorious,
now you're set to destroy,
unconsciously swathed in envy,
how can I revive your precedent glow,
the one in which we savored untouchable memories.
am I stealing the light you wanted for yourself?
I can't suppress what can't be found again,
could we compromise, slip with a concession?
this is the first and I pray the last,
so now are you convinced of our value?
dismissing as lies, all the truths I bestow,
All I crave is the paradise of our past.

Still Unfinished...

what's left to unfold?
perhaps fall apart and fall away,
lessen the effort,
leave it unresolved and awaiting closure.
will it ever reach down to you?
what's the easiest path to access,
enrapt in the mirror,
unfurling new complexity,
may an ease creep into your sleep.
choosing to keep your misery for mystery.
is it enough to suffice?
replace the trace of happiness......