how these lacerations slip through your teeth,
what I hate in me I see in you,
this is how I nurse my wounds,
how can I change the way I feel inside?
I want to forget my existence, erase the foot prints i've made,
nothing is good, blinder is better,
wind me tight, for I am close to unraveling,
brace yourself,
a sight for pitiful eyes,
hunting myself with little resistence,
all these filthy thoughts,
you can't stop me,
when you say it,
almost giving yourself away,
never more than just a taste,
so keep your distance

i want to go,
where the broken girls go,
to feel beautiful,
where i'm living without all these vacillations,
just when I have things figured out,
you untie my pretensions with your intrinsic opposition.

I don’t know you like I used to,
As bad as I want to believe,
It just cannot be true,
You and me,
never meant to be,
I can’t hold on to you,
And spend my life waiting,
a break to alleviate the desolation I’ve sunk into,
a day that will not dawn,
you would be here if you wanted to,
I can’t harbor false hope that undying feelings slowly swell in you,
I push and I push until i find myself convinced of possibility,
I’ll let it die tonight,
Shed this skin I’ve spent too long in.

Have you exceeded your fill?
When will we hit overkill?
This emerging pause,
How do you decide?
I asked for answers,
But can’t find clarity,
this trial might expire,
will we breathe life into our desires?
afraid to implode,
will I receive you well?
Awake with you beside me?
Are our conversations growing tired?
When will you dispose of me?
The more it drags on,
The longer I’m apart from myself,
Now beguiled,
When will our destruction set in?
I am holding hope so high for you and I,
Once started impossible to stop,
Derail me, let us collide,
With two feet in,
Who will draw back first?
Your operative mouth,
Inciting images my mind impounds.

i'll take on your pain,
if it lessens the impact,
when can we help ourselves?
learn from repeated mistakes,
nightmares won't be reality,
when did the world become so ugly?
beauty can kill,
keeping our mouths shut won't solve much,
our fate can't be left in the hands of others,
one small decision could cost you your life,
what's going to make it right?
so dark, losing our sunny disposition,
what reasons do we have to maintain faith?
let love radiate,
which day will be our last?

What the fuck is wrong with people?????? I am so sad, so disgusted and so sorry to learn that a girl I remember from my home town was stabbed to death...

it's hard to shut my eyes,
when will the blood stop spilling?
how can we live amidst this madness?
safety is a false impression,
I only knew your face,
but the impact remains the same,
how can we trust?
in a sea full of secrets,
anyone is capable of anything,
someone so undeserving,
it's sickening,
how did we raise a society of psychos?
when will tragedy impart?
sorrow encapsulates our hearts.

I learn so much from your misfortune,
you're always trying to do the right thing,
maybe this time will be different,
you control your own happiness,
so choose your battles wisely,
your strength radiates,
no matter how soft you seem on the outside,
I absorb your decisions,
my watchful eye,
while he serves you vilification,
I'm seething in my skin,
I hope you'll be care free,
and find the arms you need,
ones to hold you high,
love you unconditionally,
you come with such a heavy heart.

words come so easy,
when communicating with you,
how do I act when i'm standing before you?
sometimes, I feel affinity with your wreckless ways,
mistakes I make wondering if you'll catch on,
how I worry i'd displease you,
notions I may invent,
to find you reaching out for me,
insinuate what thoughts lay poisoning my mind,
you crept up on me unexpectedly,
discerning the rules you'd bend for me.

Can I let a little lust escape?
suppression always backfires,
into the face of the beholder,
aligned with your eyes, I read what's written,
I believed I belonged with all the others,
what's intended, tell me your objective,
do you hide it well?
conclusion hasn't changed,
make me a martyr,
make innocence fade,
worth working for,
seeing light in darker things,
a sight i've discovered,
addition to your appeal,
resounding,
how could I tell if there's more to your story,
discrepancy,
transition from lonely,
a clause in motion,
maybe you'll meander with me

in my veins,
the smoke invades,
catches in my throat,
a covered get away,
with your back pressed against me,
folding and collapsing,
we're breathing and laughing,
pretend that I don't see disaster following,
allow wind to lift my regrets,
uncover insecurities,
aware of your dispositionm
still I ensued, breaking caution without heed,
take me eagerly,
one simple word swelling in meaning,
inhabit your reaction,
mirrored with my own,
steer myself from treason,
this dignity I fake.

~*~
Let it bleed,
fall to your knees,
beggars dishonesty,
the sharp blade of allure,
calling out to be captured.

wishing that you were nothing,
that I didn't care,
I could be weightless,
your touch is crushing,
you kiss could kill,
it's better to remain detached,
curiosity may deter me,
from paths I chose,
needing, knowing the strength you steal,
wrap me in safely,
so he cannot harm,
beginning ignorance,
never leave me empty, lost,
or without your arms to fasten me,
convalesce from your lashing tongue.

Left, like an open window,
unattended with thoughts of you,
where they travel, a forbidden place,
tell me your purpose for being here.
If there's a reason, set me upon it,
let it shake the ground,
in wondering, will my time ever arise?
an endless pause,
sigh in frustration,
all these actions missing attraction,
unanswered pleas,
i'd rather believe you can't read me,
how blantant in my sinful subtleties,
much to prove,
allure you in a surreptitious manner,
wanting what's never attained,
to create truth from impossibility,
we must have skipped the chase.

This one isn't finished!

Every time I find the strength to ensue the ending,
You hunt me down and drag me back,
When will permanency replace this shaking wall,
I’ve been building between us,
Where I can sleep,
Memories only make me weak,
when the room empties, isolation finds you,
reel me in, you know I’m willing
lay under the knife while you take what you need,
just enough to satisfy until another,
this repetitious repression,
every time my feet leave the ground,
you fracture my wings to keep me captive.

?

Who knew the GO train could be so inspiring!

Is it affecting you?
Left to decipher,
A code so complex,
Climbing closer,
So subtle, not to stir suspicion


all the faces I see,
heat generated by bodies,
wrapped in their tight cocoon,
water drinks us in,
we're all waiting to drown,
don't dare move,
what's thick and hanging heavy in clouds,
i'm choking in this state of stale,
wasted chances are casting glances,
seemed so serene at the beginning.

Destined to be mine,
this inclination,
such little time to rebound from the impact,
how short life appears,
adjust to your taste,
killing the image you once contained,
would this new one appease you?
tainted and delicate,
I must be awakening,
a peculiar yearning,
for something so eloquent and unfamiliar,
inviting, one hint of sweetness and i'll subsume,
incite me, starve my appetite as it swells,
once so solid, is now see through,
never confess, never define,
so close to implosion,
derived from deception.

I needed it so,
lost and lonely,
i am home,
nothing's the same,
now that you've changed,
i don't know myself,
quite different than the i with you,
seeds of hope stopped growing when it got cold,
a battle that we fight,
to forget each other,
the war which you've won,
the end of an addiction,
finding it's way out of me,
a suspension of strength,
dragging me across the floor,
hands tangled tightly,
where's the fun in simplicity?
just say this is where i'm supposed to be.

He struck me by surprise
With his piercing eyes,
Never say goodbyes,
A thin line never crossed,
But bent on my side,
Heavy in my hand,
It’s all under tongue,
Read the waste,
The pieces you left me,
To gather and bury,
When will I repeat your name,
No longer in vain.

Strip me bare,
Peel back all my layers,
When there’s nothing left,
There is only you,
my blood and bones,
wrapped around you,
listening for lightning,
waiting to strike me,
bring life alive in me,
determination to fill your empty pockets,
with pieces of me,
I have to give up and save myself,
Barren, I have become,
So weakened I must succumb.
I was hoping for a fairytale,
You can find me looking out the window,
A true skeptic,
Throwing wishes at the stars,
Perpetuate my convictions.

do feelings this strong dissipate?
after this long,
can one heart be replaced?
you seek me in dreams,
challenge me with the words I linger here for,
all my disappointments rise under the ice,
write me another letter,
send it telepathically,
steal away in the night,
i will tear open closure with my teeth,
love don't let go,
you choose mind over heart,
every safe decision,
leaves me an empty option,
placed with your discarded things.

I love my Nugs!

Sense without reason
My spiteless treason
Fall out and far below
Dining by candlelight
Saw ahead of time
Swerving to cross the line
Feel my way in the dark
With broken fingers
Tragedy impends

This would be my very own photo of Mr. City and Colour.

After taking in the beautiful man that is Dallas Green live, I was completely enthralled by his talent and presence for the remainder of the evening and most of the next afternoon. I discovered that his immaculately perfect sound could not be captured in a recording studio. I had never and probably never will again be in such awe by an incredible human being. Maya was knocked off her rocker as well. Her expectations had been blown away. We both walked out of the venue that night helplessly in love with Mr. Green. It was well worth the hour long shiver session waiting in line to get in.

So disheartened,
My chest feels vacant,
Every sound radiates in my head,
Unable to sit still,
Until I hear your voice,
My lungs are collapsing,
Barely breathing,
I am anticipating your arrival,
I’ll never see your face,
But my hopeful heart won’t rest,
I will drown in your words tonight,
Spilling off the page and creeping under my skin,
I let you invade,
Better late than never,
Tell me it’s still living inside you,
it’s what you’ve been waiting for,
all this time has just been a façade,
kept in a cage,
Let me out baby, set me right,
I feel so messed up, so out of control,
There’s no pleasure in trailing the past,
If you’re absent from the part you play.

If I don’t have you,
How will I ever know myself?
Could you come perambulating?
And I will take you in,
Return to me, you can’t stay gone forever,
What if you do?
What will become of me?
I’ll just fade into the background,
Never shine like I could beside you,
i left my heart at your last show,
a year ago september,
you rose and I fell,
she was watching,
and I’ll never hear goodbye,
the way I wanted to,
even if I fought, would I still lose?
Is it worse for us to end this way?

I am here,
Whittling away,
Giving up easy,
You were never a quick catch,
Wandering somewhere alone,
Avoiding attention,
While I’m pouring my heart into effort,
That you ignore.
Why should I bother?
you won’t throw me a reason,
Feeling so inclined to let you be,
Forget the way you make me feel,
So swollen by your misdirection.
How you’ve undermined my intentions,
As far as I can manage to get from you now,
Show me your cold shoulder,
It’ s better for me,
Sick of trying to prove,
How good I am for you,
Baby we’re done.

Don’t you see
How weighted we are?
Will love prevail this time?
Has it ever before?
I know I know
How empty you’ve felt
But if you’d let me linger,
I could fill the void,
You might be a lot to manage,
But i am stronger than perceived,
Opening and closing,
I’m counting days til we meet,
Did you find the place where you left off?
Buried under heaps of heavy sky,
I’ll dig a trench to keep you safe,
By the side of the road,
Watching speeding cars pass,
Searching for your face,
Spot lit by the sunlight,
Here you come to save me,
Flames eating at my halo,
These poisoned ideas,
You could take me to a desolate place,
I wouldn’t tell,
How typical a tale,
To kill my pragmatic legacy,
But you make my mind crawl,
Into corners I never knew hid in my head

All the contradictions,
Bled me nowhere,
Just left me lying empty,
The thoughts that meandered my way,
I’ll pass off as your confusion,
Tear yourself between misdirection,
Gun me down,
They’ll keep coursing through me,
I’m still moving,
Letters that you’ll write,
Filling up the sorrowful room,
Who’s going to read them, with as much dignity?
I held you high on a pedestal,
But stole the weight from under your feet,
Now it’s all you’ve got,
Ceaseless and unchanging,
Seizing and phasing

I wish I had known you,
When you were alive,
I would have loved you,
Shown you the reasons,
This world couldn’t have gotten on,
Without you,
Hearing your voice,
Much too late,
What drove you to leave this way?
Can you watch what’s happening,
Where you are?
Know how heavy our hearts are to carry?
I could tie yours to mine if you came back,
If you floated down to meet me,
I’ll save a place,
Every chord inspires me,
I couldn’t care more,
About your misses and arrows,
Leading me to tomorrow,
Erase the puddles that clouded your judgment,
And crowded your heart,
We could be unhappy and belong,
Rock me to sleep

I’ve lost you now,
My heart won’t sing a sad tune,
Not for you,
Underneath every hope,
My layer of misery,
Has been revoked,
I don’t feel the sting,
Every day that you’re not here,
Is one less lonely,
Steps closer to the right one,
I know what I’m searching for,
Someone to wake me with a sweet melody,
I might live a long life on my own,
but I have all I’ll ever need.

I’ve fallen in love with a song,
A face I see in photographs,
There is no future,
But this romance with his words,
My thoughts embodied,
Echo in my room,
Invading my head,
Will I meet you when I rest my eyes?
Take me to your world

My mind is so clear
With the sun in my eyes
Squinting out philosophies,
The highway brings such a sense of clarity,
Here nothing can taint my mood,
I can forget the madness of reality,
What you meant to me,
Isn’t near as impacting,
At this speed,
There is no stopping my spirit from soaring,
Why can’t I feel this way every day?
Free, running where I want to,
Remembering moments I wish I could go back to,
Meet me in my mind

Here I am with my heart on my sleeve,
Holding it out to you,
And you shut me down,
Give me reasons kuz I don’t understand,
Every sign you give me is a go ahead,
That you wouldn’t mind being mine,
But I lay my pride on the line,
Only for you to decline,
The way you look at me makes me believe differently,
Like there’s a story hiding,
Contradicting words with your actions,
I can’t count on anything but confusion,
When will this torture end?
Truths reveal themselves so I can just move past,
I’m trying so hard to show you,
Who we could be together,
But you’re shying away.
Do you embrace your darkness?
Revel in your pain?
Kuz I am the remedy,
Ready to take you somewhere you’ve never been.
I don’t know what you want from me.
All the effort that I’m making,
To save you from your sorrow,
Seems so desecrate.

How long will it take
For your heart to heal?
Loan mine out to you,
You can keep it like a secret,
if you like how it feels,
can you push aside your pain
to make room for me?
Am I wrong to assume what I see before me is real?
I can’t continue to contain myself,
On the verge of spilling everything,
And you see how untied I’ve become,
First time finding it’s not a waste of time to wait,
Guilty of giving too much to a taker,
You’re hollowed out,
But she still finds a solution to drain you dry.

Putting an end to my ambivalence
All I see is you,
and the light in my eye flickers,
knowing I’ve found you,
in a sea of unfamiliar faces,
it’s yours I long to caress,
take hold of in my hands,
the lines and creases,
I’m learning this language,
As fast as I can process,
Your elegant imperfection,
how it makes me ache to love you,
while I fall I’m afraid to let go,
incase you change your mind,
you could be mine,
what is it that imprisons you?

I might lose my mind,
With all these convictions you’re throwing,
No one knows who’s telling the truth,
How can I want more,
When I don’t know you,
Sending me fleeing for safety and sanity.
I’ll hide out until your secrets are revealed.
Stop tracing my footsteps,
Only I can be me,
You can’t breathe down my back,
And expect me to stick around.
I don’t want to pick someone up
Who’s always down.

A sordid design,
Hide it in my eyes,
To steal thoughts from you mind,
Make them my own.
One weary tear,
A collision of unkept words I swept for you my dear,
Tracing panes of long passed days,
Where I have waited.
Your careless lines echo in my ears a thousand times,
Belied tonight,
I won’t fight sleep to keep you from my dreams,
Devised a plot to invade your thoughts,
But you beat me at my own game.
I have let you wander on.
What lies will be replaced with truth?
Below the tide, time’s ticking. Grace in regression.

Delegate your ways,
fierce and devestating,
morose and impending.
Enrapture me.
Breathe in, smoke out,
piercing my dialect,
innocuous claims,
deterred only for a moment.
My heart stops.
Slow down,
take me in,
we will break apart.
Meander near,
find yourself here.
Tied to your affliction,
ceased to tame me.
The crimson I bear,
longing to remember the heat between our tangled souls.
You remain my fondest memory.

Thought I had it made,
Thought I had it coming,
Was sure I could have you,
But circumstances always change when they’re relied upon,
I faked brave for you,
Made my move,
As much as I tried,
Everything came untied,
Blamed myself for the destruction,
It must be me,
I can’t keep taking the weight on my shoulders,
How many more times will the fault be mine?


Days gone by,
Bring me closer to realization ,
I might love you,
How long will we wander separately?
You know I’m not going anywhere,
The look in my eyes is changing,
I can’t hide its growing strength,
What are we delaying for?
All the time you take,
Makes me anxious,
Close to admitting,
Fighting the impulse,
Afraid to hear your reaction,
Would you say we‘re better off this way?

In your presence,
My body numbs,
How I would like to get closer,
Could all these images in my head
Ever be real?
I do not wish to risk my chance,
And let the excitement of possibility swell,
are the thoughts in your mind stirring?
I’m getting carried away,
Take me in, fold me into you,
We could talk like strangers,
But lay like friends,
How many hearts have you broken?
Seal your confessions,
Fill me with your history,
Why do we keep meeting?
What I wish I knew,
From what your implications say,
I might not be too late,
would you save me from a callous world?
Entering without warning.

how do they find me?
it’s like a repetitious sad sorry song,
how many times will i meet the same person in one life?
make me your prisoner,
break me down until i’m at your mercy,
when will it be on my terms?
learn to let you down,
every time i try and fight,
i surrender under pressure,
wanting you to never let me go,
why do i think time might change your mind?
i’m only abdicating my power,
so tired of forever being underfoot,
why do i have to be everything to everyone?

this is how i say goodbye,
i came apart for you too many times,
i can’t stand beside you,
when you treat me so badly,
when the moment hits, you’re saying what you know i want to hear,
after i’ve given in, you toss me away like I don’t mean a thing,
i’ve seen who you are underneath,
my ears take in the stories miles long,
what you’re doing purposely,
maybe one day you’ll grow up,
show up at my door with an apology,
i feel so stupid, mistaking your lies for truth,
my hopeful heart, deceived by you,
now i’m letting you out from under my skin,
get out, get gone,
i’m going to be the first to break this habit,
burn this bridge, i’ll never cross again,
may life be good to you.

i don’t want to know you,
i wish i could take back all the feelings i wasted on you,
you don’t know what you want,
but to plow through me,
ruin my defenses,
i am vaccinated against you,
try me, see how far you get this time,
you’re every shade of wrong,
i hope you find some answers,
how’d you get so fucked up?
you weren’t that way when I knew you,
you’re not even alive,
what took ahold of you,
made you into this monster?
every time you’re begging me in the dark,
save yourself some dignity,
just leave me out of your life.

Elusive and irreplaceable,
Tender taste of your lips,
Too hazy to recall,
Maybe it’s my mind’s creation,
Maybe it’s loneliness’ urgency,
How much convincing would it take?
To pick up my phone,
What would I say to you,
Without fervency?
Would you deem me forlorn?
Can I wait to discover your thoughts of me?

how can i be in this place?
twice removed,
now i’m stepping into my old shoes,
but once it’s over,
there is no ever after,
there’s no point in holding on to something, never coming
you may be, everything to me tonight,
but tomorrow you’ll be a stranger,
it’s ridiculous to carry this false hope,
to anticipate you coming back to me,
every amber light,
i’m better off oblivious,

i have tried,
every way to be wise,
but you dig the deepest trench in me,
letting my emotions run wild as rivers,
i couldn’t come by cause i knew,
how effortlessly you weaken me into submission,

i lose my mind,
when you pull me in,
press my face to yours,
feeling how much you need me,
space becomes our enemy,
what we’ve held back escapes,
furious and sententious,

what i’d invest in you,
ready for the chance to fire away,
it’s not me, it’s the company,
i’ve expired overnight,
a taste just to remember,
what it is you’re not missing,

you’ll say what you have to,
vanish when i ask too much,
you’ve poisoned me,
led me to the edge,
and attached anchors to my feet,

i am a last resort?
the last on your list to cross?
untangle this confusion
i can’t go on presuming.

got my fix
this 4 year itch,
i keep scratching at you,
i can’t be cured,
knowing just how good it could be,
when will this midnight endeavor,
become daily routine?
i keep holding on and hoping,
but your requisiteposition keeps us apart,
i can’t contain this pleasing secret,
your destitution displayed as you devour me,
would you lie to find me here?
i can’t go back,
to who i was at the beginning,
relapse and repeat,
every chance I get,
i’m questioning my stability,
i can’t love any other,
while my heart is in your hands.

i give in to you,
because it’s all i can do,
to find myself helpless in your arms,
it’s achingly meaningful,
i’m an aid to a void,
keeping you warm,
just for awhile,
as the curtain draws,
we’re thrown back into where you and i ended,
i catch a hint of your old sweet soft spoken self,
every kiss is an apology,
one returned with longing,
this is what we will always be,
never embody more,

I remember where I went wrong,
in your presence I fell further,
time rewound to our beginning,
lightning struck the same place twice,
every passionate kiss,
every hurried breath,
memories pulling me apart,
I held it in my hands,
something pure, something real,
I left you in the background,
expected you'd stay forever,
you gave up waiting,
I don't make sense without you.

Startling to find myself alive,
For the first time in a long time,
Attributed my arise to you,
Like lightning you struck me, ignite,
After awhile the fascination faded,
Too soon we’re growing apart,
Wanted to fuse myself to you,
But your attention’s misdirected,
It used to be me,
You couldn’t get enough,
I go quiet,
Ignoring you, ignoring me,
A Speedy recovery from an addiction to my kiss,
How alone I am with you here,
Once you catch me, let me drop
Missed a step,
Reaching to lead me where we’re not ready,
Is it all you wanted?
Your honest eyes plead with me,
But your lips don’t agree.
Where is this extra attention you claim to have saved for me.

your persuasive touch,
instructing me,
the fever in our flesh,
a rise and fall,
the sense of losing it all,
a shake, a shiver,
a fresh fate delivered,
breath, soft as snow,
desirous fires ignited,
a whispered hint of the unknown,
stripped of my inhibitions.

Seeing you, when I first met you,
Something inside your eyes drawing me in,
Imagining what we could be,
You’ve evolved and parted with your ways,
You and I alike,
My mind plagued with thoughts that you wrestled,
These things I’ve thought, slipped when spoken,
I’ve been appending.
Dizzy with temptation,
ignoring the signs that
you and I might be meant to be,
we’re the only ones still standing.
I am coming home to you
The pleasure of knowing your face.

I’m sorry I’m like this,
You should know,
What you dug your hands into,
my world works in rewind,
meet you, lose you, love you,
believe me, don’t flee from me,
you had a long time ago,
lets return the past,
exchange it for new,
I promise to,
Wouldn’t you choose to?
Never thought you’d shut the window,
Maybe she’s got something to be worried about,
A crooked smile, my crooked style
I will love you even after life.

How many people have hated life?
Had no one?
I’m trying my best to be happy,
I’m faking it,
Keep breaking it,
My lonely soul,
I lost my heart to battle,
Thought I had a complacent ending,
The outlook’s bleak,
There’s no vitality,
Every mission’s failing,
Empathy befriended me,
On my own,
I get tired,
I’m getting smaller,
Where will I be?
Envy lives that I can’t live,
Stars are fading in my sky,
Almost hopeless,
Send me a reason to stay,
In this place I’m down,
Sick of struggling,
There will always be someone better.
I can’t find myself.
Mess me up a little more
Just don’t leave me hanging on for nothing.

They’re all the same story
Misadventures, mistakes,
Thieves steal hearts too,
Good luck escaping easy,
Warm nights, incandescent moments,
Never forgotten, bringing despair,
A scar can run deep on the inside,
Bleed every time you appear,
A kiss can hold such power,
Render memories as sharp as knives,
Reminiscing igniting the lost emotions,
A reminder of how alive we are,
Goodbyes we never meant,
I get so angry, it makes me sick,
But I keep it silent,
Don’t want you to know how you get to me,
I swear I’m over you,
Praying for a distracting attraction,
Somebody to save me,
From forever your fool.

I was happy,
I knew who I was,
Until you changed me,
All it took was one kiss, one lived out memory,
Every dream I had about your return,
Breathed in me,
All the emotion I thought lay dead,
Rose and possessed me,
I can’t get back to who I used to be,
My carefully planned life,
I need an answer,
An explanation, scream your reasons,
Demand what you require from me,
I can’t bear this silent treatment you’re giving me,
My pointless pining is destroying me,
Let me loose,
Cut this noose you’ve wrapped around my neck,
3 years waiting to escape,
once released, can’t be contained.

Left here,
Laying with our wasteful actions,
I should just be happy
To have your taste one last time,
But it’s never enough,
I’m hooked and I can’t stop hurting,
Angry whys,
you pretend that I don’t exist
After making it obvious you cared,
I wish you well,
Maybe one day you’ll come back,
Feeling alone,
Fearing I’ll never find someone I love as much as you,
I didn’t know passion until I looked into your eyes,
That night.

I’ve spent this time
Coming to terms
With this nothingness
I wasn’t expecting,
Harboring disappointment
After reaching out to you,
Without thinking the words came fumbling,
But I’m glad you heard,
I don’t blame you,
For not wanting me,
It’s not easy but I’m okay,
You’ve made promises to yourself,
I won’t let this weigh me down.

I lost it all once,
When you became a possibility
The heavens screamed,
Instantly my spirit soared,
I found myself swallowed by desire,
You infected me,
If you leave I will carry on,
Burying the tension inside of me,
It’s all in your hands,
You’re choosing to ignore,
I’ve been denying this sinking feeling,
But I was right,
We weren’t meant to last,
Just gave in to curiosity,
Now it’s conflicting everything,
It was nice to pretend it could be,
Life is unkind.

When everything you’ve wanted
Purges through the surface
Once committed, can’t take back,
Wouldn’t want to for the world,
But when the moment ends,
Hope floats high,
If the past is just passing through,
Don’t let me believe it means anything,
I’m always going to be not quite close enough,
Vengeance is yours,
i should learn to live without ever knowing,
what a second chance could bring,
I must be the fool,
how could I have not convinced you,
an earful of longing,
succession of emotion,
dissented from your resistance,
didn’t it impact you like it did me?
Couldn’t you play it up and mean it?
Guess I was just a fix to aid your loneliness,
I won’t be satisfied until I have you
Is it harder with our history?
i only want you to give in.
so inspired and ignited,
one taste and you’re an addiction,
I don’t want to quit.
One night, goodbye
I’m just that kind of girl,
You thought it’s all I’m good for,
You’re so severe,
Maybe your scars are more permanent than forgettable,
I was easy prey.

Out of my hands,
This urgency to make my mark,
Ink in your flesh,
Don’t forget me so soon,
Haven’t had the chance to blow your mind,
Everything you said was beautiful,
But was it just a ploy?
This is a test,
you’re keeping me waiting,
wretched suspense,
hope is floating into the open sea,
you must’ve been a passing reminder,
luck can change in an instant,
return to me my muse.

Headed on a different track,
Down a new path,
Old acquaintances surfaced,
Expanding my tastes,
Curiosity wrestling my mind,
Wishing opportunities would long ago arisen,
With this space I created, there’s room for emptiness,
Feeling different, but partial to a stranger,
How can I decide when there’s no options given,
I must take my time,
Let it wash into me when it’s ready,
Anxious for something,
watching the day pass by,
there’s no train I’m not on,
please life bring me love,
invest in me,
even temporary,
a burst of vitality,
a hint at my destiny.

I've neglected my writing! But I'm back with lots of stuff!

it’s slowly exiting,
this feeling losing,
the more time you give,
the more time I crave,
my mind wandering with opportunity,
you’re loosening your grip,
I’m gaining lead,
The further you fall behind,
Afraid of being all alone,
While you’re the centre of attention
I’m counting what’s missing,
On both hands.

Figures it takes a whole lotta shitty luck to make me start writing again....
~*~
My heart just exploded,
Sadness attack,
You just abandoned me again,
Prolong my destruction,
You know it well,
How it wears my happiness into shreds,
I won’t remember our good,
When I’m past recovery,
Will you deal with this?
I am matches,
Once I start I can never stop,
Addiction junkie,
Aching to escape,
From all that ails me,
Try to heal me with a soft I love you,
But it’s just a band aid,
Temporary fix, you asphyxiate me,
My obsession to suit your idea of perfection,
But my best is never good enough,
Running myself into the ground to become your everything,
Why is that my objective?
I’ve been so hollow for so long,
Why the sudden rush of substance now?
Always locking away the feeling,
Never could bear to taste the sting,

Sorry it's taken so long, been caught up with skool and the boy.. too many things going on!!

We’ve been running smoothly
With some starts and stops
My head hasn’t been hectic lately,
Like a clear day, I have no thoughts but you,
When I’m seething you soothe me,
There’s no love like I’ve found in you,
It’s unexplainable,
Thought I was untamable,
But I conformed to suit you in any way you please,
Unbound, ready for release,
Stunning like the stars,
You’re catching me,
I willingly,
Forget my identity,
Stake my claim under your frame,
Live like I could die,
Swallow my apathy,
How clever a disguise, to hide what’s inside,
But I let it bleed for you to see,
Those stolen moments where I recall,
The first striking revelation,
the need for you in me.

All thoughts lost,
When looking in your eyes,
Blood runs heavy in my cheeks,
When I’m under your arms,
I’m in the safest place,
Finally finding home,
With you,
Discovering a deeper trust,
I never believed,
Wanting you always near,
Never been like this,
always needed only myself,
but I weakened for you.

I have to know everything,
Can’t keep me in suspense, it kills me,
So far, so long the hours seem,
I’m trying to keep myself preoccupied,
Impatience gets the better of me,
This imminent calling,
Cannot wait to have you here,
This bitter need to take you in,
If repetition replaced,
I couldn’t stay,
It’s fetching, daunting, desiring, alluring, inescapable, rushing, folding, falling,
Frequency embedded,
Must have it all, or grant me nothing,
Can’t stand to want you the way I do,
So addicting, refreshing, repulsing,
The essence of my vitality,
Lighting my spirit,
Setting me ignited,
Peel myself away,
from you so,
magnetic, unguarded, unbound,
poisoning my thoughts, my mind,
with your temptuous disposition.

Can't stand to hear it,
Not your voice again,
I'm on a rampage, attacking all pieces of you left behind,
Soon there will be nothing left,
It feels so good to be free from your fair-weather behavior,
You know I missed your touch,
selfishness got the better of you,
Thinking of me first,
I wish you could have,
Buying time until I broke the code,
Now I know your secrets pouring out,
Hush hush up, don't let me catch on,
You don't want me to get gone,
Wondered why I got no reply,
You can't keep me on the sly,
Everlasting light, you're slowly dying,
Litigate your malevolent side,
What gives you the drive?
To mess with my mind.

Maybe things would be different
If I stayed with you
But I finally believe,
We were never meant to be,
All the lies people are saying,
They feel like truths,
You're just here to disappear,
Forget the past, we've evolved too far from that,
You know I was sorry,
I've felt you sinking for so long,
What do you want from me now?
Since you've been wishing me away,
Now you want me?
Even though I've wanted you back all this time,
You're not running as deep as through me,
Can't stand the things I'm hearing you've done,
Hate to believe them to be true,
But I have this ugly feeling,
You aren't the way you used to,
Pulling me in your undertow,
i can't refuse you,
no matter how strong the salt stings.

Yes I remember,
Every whispered word,
Every kiss and broken promise,
Your words don’t mean shit anymore,
Now you’ve taken everything,
We built and burned it to the ground
Is she really worth wearing me down?
And it’s so serious now,
Losing my mind, left in the dark,
Omitted so much I needed to hear,
Never predicted you’d fall so fast so deep,
My hope revoked,
Here I go, the window, just to feel,
so bled, so dry, so many questions why,
no rise, no smile for sunset,
I hate to want her to hurt you,
But I can taste vengeance,
Laid thick on my tongue.
Failed to keep you,
Can’t be a weapon to defeat you,
So much I needed to say,
But I can’t form the words,
Given no opportunity,
I’m so wrong,
I can’t erase the stupid things I never meant.
You’ll never comprehend the significance,
The tremendous pounding of blood speeding through my veins,
Every time I sensed you in the room.
I try to disguise how embittered I am.
Never felt so unwelcome inside myself.

New additions to our household, my baby girl Etnie the pug and V's little man Harley!

On a cold night,
The sky had never seemed so black,

Caught by surprise,
Knocked me off my feet,
Took me like a hurricane,
Touched me like I’ve never been tainted,
Pulling me in against you,

It took me so long to get here,
But I blame it all on meeting you,
Feels like there’s nothing I can’t do,
I’m afraid I’m going to lose you,
Before we get a chance.

If you’re going to let me down,
Make it quick and painless,
I don’t think I can wait another minute more,
Before I drive myself crazy with possibilities,
They’re endless, my mind is thirsty for the truth,
It’s been a long time since I felt so sure of someone,
But maybe it’s just the rush of adrenaline,
I’m awaiting disappointment,
What else could it be arising?
I could never be good enough for you,
Bad news, the phone is silent,
Every noise I hear stirs this sick feeling,
Seems I have so much to say every day that you don’t call.
Drink away this despair,
Blur the sweetness beyond recognition,
So I can’t overanalyze,
Rehearse my lines,
Just to forget as soon as your voice sounds,
So I lay with all these thoughts to sort,
Keep me awake, come find me somewhere in my sleep,
what is it that keeps you feeding me suspense.

Struck down,
I am ignited,
Words fumble softly,
Strong and resounding,
Where we’re tangled and met,
Unlaced and exposed,
There’s nowhere to hide,
And I’m fine,
For once I’m right,
A darker shade of gray,
I’m honestly lost,
Shake these thoughts,
Purify my mind,
I can’t say aloud,
What you wish you knew,
Ideas I can’t scratch away.
My mind, can’t make itself,
Stop thinking,
Time is ticking,
One breath closer,
To sinking,
Will I break before morning?

It was forever ago
We met and our story set
You played guitar with such deliberate delicacy
And reckless ability
I set my sights on you,
3 years didn’t matter,
our nights in the summer,
you watching me waste away in your arms,
forgetting what distance would come between us,
surprised the memories have come out so vividly,
a painless departure only seemed possible,
after I pushed you so far from me,
left you devastated,
so young I couldn’t devote myself to anyone,
but holding on so tight,
you were my spine, keeping me together,
every thing you told me was the truth,
and every thought you occupied,

broken hearts mended and torn,
so many tortured times you told me I was right,
but I never really meant it, hoped it wouldn’t last,
I kept close, to keep the warmth in your heart growing,
but you drifted and I wandered,

now we’re trying hard to live our separate lives
you’re doing so well without me
but it’s not working, I’m finding holes everywhere,
in this shitty plan,
why didn’t you tell me about her,
I’m so angry you shut me out,
where is our ending?
Please tell me there’s a twist around the corner,
A letter reopened,
I know I need you now.

Here I have imagined us
Under these constellations,
No complications, just this winter's white,
Have I executed a place in my mind,
I never knew before,
I'm standing on this high hill of hope,
watching what I'm wishing for,
fighting for foolish things,
I don't want to be alone.

Not that I ever complied,
Lied to myself,
Fulfilling my need,
With all these hateful things,
All the faces,
I never wanted to be,
Bled my plea,
To you on my knees,
Now that it’s switched on,
Does it compel you to?
Sell it soft suspense,
Have I sold you too?
Let it wind you up inside,
Scream in sweet release,
A tortured tongue trips on the truth,
Sway me into oblivion.

I’m not waiting up for you no more,
I’ve washed my hands of your drama,
Always getting in our way,
I’ve put forth everything I’ve got,
Still it’s never enough, you’re draining me,
Drawing all the life out of me,
I’ve got no more energy to spare,
Wasting it listening to your lame ass excuses,
I tried what I could to salvage what I felt,
But love doesn’t want to stick around anymore,
Intensity dove underground,
You have been found impeccably further than thoughts care to wander,
You’re growing fonder, but I’m sailing away.
On soft seas, burning remnants of you to dust,
You send sweet words to capture,
You aim is useless and it hits me,
But I don’t sense a difference,
Actions speak louder,
You’re throwing me off with your inability,
To bring yourself to me.

You don’t have it in you,
The right words to keep me,
Or the actions to make me want to stay,
I knew it all along,
You maintained that I was wrong,
Now you don’t disagree,
Just pretend I never said anything.
I take offense to your irresolution.
You’re not spontaneous like me.
A repetitive cycle, winding up the same.
what's the purpose?
My spite for you, my misconstrued mystifier.
Why don’t you ever change?
Since you know the story well.
I can’t be pacified.
False hope with no avail.
You just keep putting me off,
So get drunk and say sweet things,
you’re not getting anywhere.
I remember every scratch you etched into me.

Won’t you leave me lying here?
In this hole where I buried myself.
I’m treading water,
You’re pulling me underneath the surface,
I didn’t ask for your return,
Exchange you for new,
Suffering through inescapable you,
Say you will, but you never will,
Avoid your faults, they only anchor you further,
Losing interest, losing patience,
What haven’t I done for you?we’re still getting nowhere.
dress me up like your girl,
where it’s quiet, when no one’s around,
It’s too soon to make your move,
distance is your biggest foe.
Scrape me off my feet,
I’m not obliged,
If you can’t take the time.

Siren sings loud,
I’m up in the crowd,
First to fail you,
A wildfire in the rush,
Soft cement, I’m motionless,
Applauding the cause of my fidelity,
The pages and pages upon which I poured,
I penned for you,
A fair fight, measured in mended hearts,
Who’s will be last broken?
Merit my efforts,
Summer still carries on,
No matter what you hide,
It hasn’t dried up and died,
Best to pretend, best to outrun everything,
Suspended in sound,
Forget everything up until now,
It's inevitable, we're not where we belong,
smoke filled room,
it echoes in emptiness without you.

What’s the word to describe this,
Degree of loss of sanity,
I held you once for sweet eternity,
Or so it seemed,
But I wound up to push you down,
I flew back when I caught my breath,
But irony beat me to you,
Flawed a fantastic light,
It’s only rational,
that eventually you will find me,
early 80s baby, did we make history?
I made a mark, stuck hard,
but you peeled me off, to move on,
it’s getting late, can you take me home?
Screw all your common sense,
It never won you anything but intellect,
Still your face never fades to grey,
When my eyes say they want to stay.

We wind up here again.
At last you’re coming back,
With one binding breath,
You’re laying on the charm,
For some reason you can’t seem to get enough,
What compels you to continue when I drive you away?
And I’m so uninvolved, distracted, but curious.
How far will we push this time?
No one ever saw what I did,
There’s not much appealing anymore,
And once I’m fed-up with you,
Hello, hi and a smile, here you are,
Waking up where you want to be,
And I’ve given up going easy on you,
you must sense the prospects growing,
your efforts subjugated,
my mind inflated with richer possibilities.
I know now, what I’m capable of attaining.

~*~

~*~

~*~

It was this guy's (my roomie's boytoy's) suprise bday party at our place on Sat. Here are some of the highlights!

This is one of my fav photos.

Now I’m so accustomed to your way,
If you’ve got someone to fill the place,
Why should I matter anymore?
Well I hope she’ll never leave you,
All this “our friendship is important”
Blown out the window, bullshit,
You’ve had all this time to catch up,
But you never tried,
Why pretend when you see me?
Can’t you help yourself?maybe the miles between are a good thing,
I’m tired of losing sleep,
Mourning over our broken ties,
Kuz it was never me that mattered,
It was having someone to fall back on
When your head was a heavy cloud,
I’m glad I served you well,
And if you need me, I might think about sticking around,
It’s hard to accept that someone else is walking in my shoes,
Filling the richest thoughts in your mind,
And the heart I used to own.

Desperate to seek the truth,
Imagining you showing up at my door,
Take me in your arms,
Tell me you’ve loved only me,
Always me,
She was just a summer fling,
While you were waiting for my return,
If you knew I was a sure thing,
Would you run back to me?
I’m so mad at myself,
For hesitating an eternity,
What could I say to convince you,
That it should be us, not you and her,
Do I still reign in your heart?
Do you shut her out kuz I taught you to?
I can’t stop my brain from ticking,
Funny how when I ask what’s new,
You don’t mention her existence,
Do you think I’d already know?
how would i?
how long has it been?
No wonder you’ve been so preoccupied,
I guess my sneaking suspicion was right.
I hate knowing, I hate thinking of the two of you,
And what we could have had.
Maybe you’ll miss me too much to stay apart.
You were my everything for many years,
My safety net, incase I tripped over my life,
Now I’m headed backwards at 100 miles per hour,
And you wouldn’t know it.
Call me a home wrecker, I’ve come to claim what’s mine.

I always figured I’d end up with you,
I had no idea our ending would come so soon,
She can’t replace the years we spent,
The impact it takes to fall in love,
It’s hard to imagine you with anyone,
Has she taken over the way you felt for me?
The light in your eye when I enter the room,
It hasn’t changed,
Would you believe me if I told you?
Would you even care?
what if I don’t let you get away?
I’m trying hard to keep it locked inside,
But I’m trembling and weighted down,
I don’t want to move,
Just stare at nothing,
Waiting for the ache to wash over me,
I can’t believe my misfortune,
How could I not foresee the irony?
I’m listening to the same songs you held me to,
One summer too short,
I was so happy when I came to my conclusion,
To put an end to our miserable separation,
Now I’m just lost in sorrowful confusion,
Singing myself to tears,
I have a list of songs I’d dedicate to you,
If you would hear me out,
Maybe hearing my voice would make you remember why I meant so much,
Do you notice my heavy footsteps in your dreams,
Making a scene, so you think of me,
Whispering my name to your mind,
"Get up and leave,
You don’t have to wait any longer,
So come on and capture me,"
i’m in so deep there’s no hope for sleep,
you better rescue me,
i'm counting on you.

my body's tired,
still I can't sleep,
All in my head I see her face,
Smitten with what she’s got,
She’d never realize how it was mine,
Why do I keep losing you?
I know where I’ve gone wrong,
We overcame, so why am I sitting here now?
You didn’t want me, you said it once,
As you held my hands across the table,
How could I resist,
How have I held strong this long?
Now it’s all tumbling to pieces,
Now this confession seems meaningless,
If you’ve got something good,
why so surprised to see me?
Wouldn’t you have thought I’d miss you?
I’ve reminded you a thousand times,
I let it slip,
I feel so hollow and swollen,
I’m the one to blame,
But what could I do?
you would have stayed if you wanted to.

Haven’t felt like this in a long time,
Hadn’t heard of the destroyer,
I’m lying on the ground,
I can’t reach my feet,
Every part of me is broken,
I’ve been deserted,
Deadly desolation,
But you’ve got other things to worry about,
The confusion rips me apart,
This artificial happiness,
I’ve been faking,
No one can save me from my sins,
I’ve worked for redemption,
But never hard enough,
Worn through, my love for you is worthless,
How could it have been so easy?
Malicious truth to kill,
All the hope I buried alive,
The first to flee,
the first to fall,
the last to lose this love for you,
so unwilling to replace,
what took me years to find,
haunting exhilaration,
thrilled to finally find,
a century too late.

Wow, talk about bad timing.. ........

Somehow I already knew,
But I refused to believe it,
But I can’t deny your obligations,
Kuz you can’t love me like you used to,
Now that I need you,
You’ve got somebody new,
All the thoughts of us dried and decayed,
Could she be a substitute, holding my place?
I can’t erase the signs of excitement shown on your face,
When we met again in a new light,
cut deep, it caught me by the throat,
I knew by the time I felt sure, you’d be gone,
And I bet she’d never do you like I did,
I’m paying for my mistakes,
the hurt wanting you, but I can never have you,
Can I recover?
Keep it hidden,
So you will never know,
Why must fate choose for me to be alone?
Could you not leave her since I’ve always been the one?
And all those beautiful revelations were lies,
Building me up, to break me,
I can’t say these words,
There’s no “our ever after,”
I swear I mean forever this time,
I know you’ve been here before,
And I will die by your feet,

I’m burning all my thoughts of you,
What I thought you were,
With so many girls,
I’m surprised you don’t get confused,
Now all my questions are answered,
All the mystery has faded,
And left shameful you,
Where’s the guilt, where’s the regret?
You think you’re fulfilling every girl’s fantasy,
Well you never really meant that much to me.

You realize the things you need too late,
And I walked away from the best,
Couldn’t stand being so blissful,
Now my regrets have grown too big,
I can’t see past your face,
You’ve become more gorgeous than I could have imagined,
Your love was unconditional,
I ruined the trust you invested in me,
I’m not asking for a second chance, I’m begging,
I won’t lose you this round,
If only there was a way to show you how deep my repentance runs,
If I had a second chance I would never do those things to you,
You mean too much to me to just forget,
How many more years will you make me wait?

I guess i've been writing too many I can't finish lately! Sorry they're so short!

I was addicted to your desperate kisses,
I left you stranded on an island of thought,
I’m not for everyone,
I don’t agree with your guilty lies,
An empty defense,
I don’t hear what you’re saying, all I hear is their names,
I found a way to let you go, painlessly, effortlessly,
I know I’ll never need someone like you to weigh me down,
Push me around,You thought you could.

Come to me now,
Break this lull,
Chase my boredom away,
I came this far to find,
What you’d foreseen I’d be missing,
But I’ve got all this time,
Send me an end to these empty days,
Don’t be so hard on me,
If after 5 long years,
How can you say,
You don’t still love me the same way,
to you I’m a long lost dream,
You won’t have anymore,
Did I turn you off the last time I spoke my mind,
I panicked when I felt the space you were introducing,
Is there still a shred of me somewhere in your memory?
I won’t take you for granted.

He takes her by the hand,
She says softly I’ve done it again,
And he forgives and he relives,
Every time his heart breaks,
Still he’s trying to keep her smiling,
While she’s tripping over her mistakes,
he’s embracing thoughts of her waking up next to him,
when she comes around, she repents aloud,
slowly he deconstructs.

Somebody told me to stop
I’m a dreamer, nothing is real in my head,
I saw the end, saw it fade out and die,
I’ve got nothing to hide,
But you swear I’m wrong,
I found the trigger, a reason to leave you,
Now emptiness awaits,
It’s bright where I am,
Steady on my feet where I stand,
I’m going to chase down the sunset,
Blot out your face from my memory,
You’re almost a blank page now,
I’m grateful, I’ve been to proud to admit,
Maybe you had me by the hair,
But I wanted it,
You shared with everyone what I thought was ours,
Somehow I knew you weren’t that simple,
I had you captured, but you had me caught in a game,
I never felt the way I portrayed.

We have good days,
We have bad days,
Sometimes I wish I never knew you,
Wouldn’t have to wonder why you never call,
Why you never extend an invitation my way,
You’re untraditional,
And selfish, it’s on your circumstances,
I’m always lending myself out to you,
Giving you everything I wish you’d return,
With no prevail, I’m still lost here,
Where’s the trust, where’s the truth,
It doesn’t mean anything,
You shut all signs of visible emotions out,
I take the wear of your weight crushing me,
Your pretentious persona,
And my inability to turn away.

In this haven that I’ve built,
Grown to hate,
This nothing my life’s accumulated to,
I feel like there’s so much more,
I just can’t reach it,
But I’m on the edge of discovery,
The people along the ride,
Have failed to surprise me,
I can’t understand, why they act the way they are,
There’s so many people I should be,
But I don’t have the voice, the looks, the talent,
Nothing comes to those who sit and wait,
But what else can I do?

I’m happy where we are,
Not anything, no reason to commit,
Cause you make me laugh, I feel complete when I’m with you,
if I lost you tomorrow, I’d be fine knowing what there is to life,
I won’t cry if we go our own separate ways,
No jealousy, no strings to pull apart,
just you and me holding each other together,
you’re keeping me alive until the next,
we’re not missing out, kuz I got you,
I couldn’t have found anyone better to occupy my time,
Who we are when we’re in our company,
I’ve never had so much fun just talking.

Sitting here alone,
Not by the phone,
Kuz I know you won’t call,
No I know you,
You think you know me,
You think I don’t mind,
But lately i’ve had too much time,
You were growing so close,
To what I thought might be,
No it could never be,
It’s not even lust,
It’s just us,
We’re messed up and confused,
We’re ignorant and misused,
No it’s not right,
But it feels right,
Some nights,
Seems I’m battling with myself,
Who else fights for your attention?
I’m not your only,
Life gets lonely,
I want you here to hold me,
But I don’t think you can handle that much,
I’m giving up my grip,
I’m ready to let you slip,
I don’t feel like I did in the beginning,
Waiting, never winning,
barely living,
the end is ahead,
can’t believe the lines you’ve fed,
no longer misled.

Just as I was becoming okay with the situation...
What I gave,
You took away,
You don’t ask and you don’t say,
just leave without saying goodbye,
should I have the right to know?
what you’ve taken was mine,
it’s a vital part of me still,
you’ve seen my insides bleed,
and you’ve watched the pain pour from my eyes,
seen how this can tear me apart,
but you’ve gone and dug at this empty hole,
just when the normality started to settle,
you break the ease in my loss,
stolen closure,
images littered to remind me,
what I’ll never find again.