I am the only thing running,
How did it feel?
In the end have your thoughts run wild?
Places changed, I’ve seen another side,
Can I face you still the same?
After the morning came the rain,
Never in my favor,
A small delight to savor,
I’m too young to see you through,
Misused feelings I believed to be true,
All my hurt and anger untied for you
The last of those impending seasons,
I could never count the reasons,
I’ve wondered why,
The obligation to deny,
Again left to condone,
The hint of repentance in your tone,
Futile occurrences I slipped away,
The evocations of unifying you delay,
Ascent the extraction of your fascination,
Parting with the scent of sheer sensation,
Incredulity for the shift in fortuity
the little effort you make to hold on to me.

I can see us,
unlike we are now,
the flames were never put to rest,
all along we've been solely for each other,
when it ended it never had the chance to start,
it's been long foreseen,
i always knew i'd come back to you,
took long enough to progress,
from the anticipation,
soon,
we'll make up for the past,
continue what was meant to last,
wound in your arms,
watching tv,
the regret finally caught up to me,
there's never been another,
who could render me so alive,
i hope you're in for all i've got,
ever since i let you go,
our memories have been the only thing i know,
what will you allow me to be to you?
can you trust my deceiving heart this time?
i care more than you'd ever agree to believe.

How can this disappear,
As I escape,
Everything leaves with my departure,
I take with me all the forgotten things,
I didn’t mean to steal any hearts,
All those I could not reach stay behind,
If I had the chance I would have won you over,
Life can’t get any better if I can’t make it complete,
Just the strong arms and bright smiles I don’t want to miss,
When everything I want surfaces,
It’s only then an impossibility,
I don’t want to wait too long,
Days are growing stale,
I’ll never find paradise if I’m looking too hard,
But it’s all I’ve got to dream away the bitter night,
Why am I not getting any closer,
Hidden in words, how do I decipher,
for once I stopped thinking,
and you came around,
how long will the good last,
before the tears reign and stay.

April fell into the dust,
and i arrived to carry you home,
cried to you "dont give up on me",
when you looked away,
silently wishiing me to leave,
my insides dripped through the floor,
you didn't need me anymore,
crawled to the next blackened hole.

For the first time i'm not going to post poetry. I have a lot on my mind and i'm going to unleash it all right here. right now. First of all, it's Christmas, and like every other year I can't sleep. Quite pathetic really, but I don't think it's the excitement of presents and all that fun stuff this year. Possibly it's more along the lines of huge decisions in my life facing me and having no clue what to do about them. Getting the boot from Sheridan and not knowing what i'm supposed to do about it. Do I leave? Do I find another crappy program to half-ass my way through college just so I can stay with my friends? Is there some 'right' decision that i'm supposed to make or will my life end up the same anyway no matter which path I choose? I'm not going to waste my time and money on something that isn't worthwhile, so i'm not going back to Sheridan. But now that i've made that decision, my next step is waiting to be determined. Now that I have to move back home. What will I do with myself? I know as great as my family is, there's just no way i'll be content living with them. It's just too difficult once you've been exposed to living with no rules and restrictions and depending solely on yourself. But do I have a choice? I want to do something with my life. I don't want to just come home and give up and that's it. I want to do things i've always wanted to do. Do I get a job and remain living at home? Maybe it's the smartest option, but I want to do something so I can look back and say "yeah I did it," and have no regrets. I could move to a big city and pursue something like acting, singing or modeling, just for the sake of attempting something extraordinary. There's so many things I want to do. From every big decision I make, there are strings of smaller but just as important decisions to make. It's awful. It never ends. This stresses me out beyond belief. As I have NO clue what to do. So where do I go from here?

What makes me happy?
what will it take?
How long until it finds me?
how do I keep myself in this state of oblivious continuance?
hiding from being hurt,
made too available, a weakness I cannot destroy,
kept awake by scenes of fulfillment,
been searching too thoroughly,
when I seem to reach the answer,
fate tears it from my hands,
feels like i've acquired a lifetime of wisdom,
but yet I can't accomplish life's simple pleasures,
must I rust and be worn down?
why is it taking so long?

Of course disappointment was here to greet me with open arms. But i'm still grinning.

Why did you choose those words so carefully?
turned clumsy and meaningless.
I tried to follow your games,
but they led me further behind than i was before,
are you doing this on purpose?
pulling me closer and pushing me away,
I thought you'd be the last one to treat me this way,
it is that easy for you?
you've never let me down like this,
I wished you'd be the first to take me in,
now i'll have to wander on my own,
it was your decision to set me free,
I refused to imagine a harsh reality,
it should've been what it was last year,
and the spring we spent,
nothing could shake us,
I ran when I discovered,
it was more than i'd ever hoped for,
now I can't go back,
how could I have let you fade?
I want what we once had,
it was always you ready to embrace,
now you've changed your mind and I need you still.

What will become of this journey home?

A new tongue to learn,
I will conform to your convictions,
if you need me to be different,
you can come in,
meandering weightless,
in tune to you,
you can play me til I bend,
I need you like you once needed me,
i'm afraid i'm much too late,
I want to belong,
tangled in your arms,
there were times you couldn't let me go,
suppress me now,
don't let me leave,
I can't bear to watch you disappear,
knowing I didn't try everything,
the dullness that leads my life without you,
you were the spark,
the moon emits your name,
my thoughts are held,
evolving around your face,
where are we supposed to be,
will I awake beside you,
or shiver in the morning still,
how did I let myself become a stranger to your heart,
will I discover what I used to see,
a soft smile to greet me.

Not bad for 5 am. Can't sleep, it's driving me crazy thinking and I can't get rid of these thoughts and worries until I can confirm the way things are.
Prolonged 3 more days. 3 more nights without sleep.

Why has everything grown so clear,
through the haze I saw you,
and I,
never felt more alive,
skin crawling with delight,
I see the side I missed,
I didn't feel before today,
3 days is too long,
when I hear my voice weak and shaking,
yours speaks to me,
I look wide,
the possibility draws me home,
haven't known a happiness,
like the one you've revealed to me,
I didn't look before I lept,
into the inception of your covet,
does it still remain,
my tortured mind repents every ill thought,
you won't ever know,
even if these words I give to you,
the jilted love I bore,
tainted your unforeseen ability to maintain my stability,
your portentuous touch,
I miss the distillation of your spirit.

We meet again.
After so long,
all the shit I put you through,
I stand before you, ashamed and in remorse,
what can I give you,
to make up for the implemented dissension,
I should have kept you safe,
loved with you all the will inside,
i'm days away,
inundated in our history,
you only wished me well,
I delivered a hushed farwell,
untimely tears,
the affect that unsettles my soul,
my destruction of a beautiful thing,
could I ever prevail in the war over your affection,
would it be the same,
i'm still blazing in your ambiance,
will you set me straight,
what you'll take from me.

Everytime I try,
you make it harder on me,
as if my guilt didn't kill enough,
your words come back to haunt me,
I drown you with kindness,
and you strangle me with contempt,
if only you would understand,
what you've been to me,
I love who you used to be,
I deserve a thousand lashes,
but I was blind to your suffering,
you'll never allow me to forget,
confuse me when you speak of reuniting,
how did those pretty thoughts vanish so quickly,
my actions, so childish as I fled and pushed you away,
now that the ugly's gone,
I remember only the beautiful,
and how deep it ran for me,
you became the victim of my cruel hands,
i've never wanted anything more,
than to take back my deviance and mend your wounded heart,
if only there were a way,
i'm so sorry, I should have stayed.

I almost had myself fooled back into thinking,
you're what I wanted,
but deception reminded me,
your honesty never meant that much,
I can be weak if I choose,
your guidance led me to disaster,
but you always wanted me to take your place,
turned out to be a momentary lapse,
swung and left the door open,
my steps embraced the border,
heard my feet race like thunder,
ran to shut me out tight,
yet you look upon me,
pressed against the glass,
begging with your eyes to crack the silence,
waiting for me to witness your change,
pleading me to react,
defending my pride with jealousy's ample gun,
what warped conclusion have you drawn out for me.

winter has risen,
it's so hard to confess,
when there's nothing left to say,
never a choice,
this silent profession,
always seems we're on the same line,
i've watched you compare,
why should I even bother,
the same conclusion,
I promised myself I was through trying,
why am I finding the effort escaping,
aiming for the stars,
I should realize they're far beyond my grasp,
feels like i'm falling behind,
never sure what i'm asking for,
still haven't figured out what i'm missing,
I remain with the last,
overseen, caught up in a losing streak,
struggling to discover where to extract bliss,
hopeful that my day will come,
someone will finally see the good within,
and won't let it slip away.

Have I relished too long in the thought,
Should I let it go,
Tear myself away from
You, enticing me with your piercing grin,
I, fumbling in my demure,
Devised deep in the quiet,
What you’d say,
to have me ask you to stay,
Locked in your gaze,
Outspoken mysterious ways,
Looking at me,
full of intensity,
between each melodic muse,
synergy reaching me,
a plausible impracticality,
why can’t I distinguish between dreams and veracity,
your distinctive disposition,
creates a stirring in my soul,
and I hide to save myself from conveyance,
I leave it all in your hands,
if ever you should ascertain my adoration.

Wasn't it easy to pretend?
but i'm not pretending anymore,
it's everything I mean,
it's about time I was able to discover,
just how long the feelings have been gone,
that's it, and there's the end,
i'm glad it's in the past now,
I realized too late,
I was meant to be the girl you wanted but could never have,
there's no turning back,
I have no regrets,
i'm absolutely dry of anything I once held for you,
don't think for an instant that you had any control over me,
don't you ever wonder why?
all i'm looking for is anyone but you,
you need distraction,
i'm already over you,
please don't flatter yourself,
i'm always the better person,
on the brink of insanity,
living my life the way I should be,
you're isolated in your cold, lonely capsule,
seems a depressing fate is awaiting you,
i'm not surprised,
look how you torture yourself.

It's the little things that matter most, the littlest things can turn a person off. It's the littlest things that can provide a whole new outlook on feelings that you thought were really there.

How big has the void grown?
you know I was your way out,
your only escape from loneliness,
have you gradually begun to see,
just how wrong you've been,
do you want me back in your life?
just say it,
prove to me your worth,
how good things will be,
kuz i'm close to caving,
tell me what i've been waiting to hear,
i'll be the first to say goodbye,
catch a tear in the corner of your eye,
why do you think you're so superior to me?
what makes you so self assured?
where'd you get the confidence?
what gives you the right,
to make me feel so small beside you,
remember I was the one to bend,
to accommodate for you,
I hope you're caught up,
let me let you know,
i'm not burning for you,
not yearning for you,
you're just a washed up lost long ago mistake,
but I want the opportunity,
to walk away from you.

Naters, Thank you so much for being so amazing to me! You've always been there for me!

What I wouldn't give to have you beside me,
my eyes sting when you tell me over the distance how you miss me,
"if I were there i'd lay beside you and play with your hair until you fell asleep"
everything I needed to hear came tumbling out,
what more could I ask for,
the best friend that I ever encountered,
rising in my struggles to support and love me unconditionally,
my life is such a pleasant place,
exploding with vitality,
your presence makes the difference between my good and bad days.


~*~

The letters that I wrote,
I can never send you,
all those emotions, the passion that I unveiled,
you overlooked and dismissed,
threw into the stormy engulfing waters,
tied to an anchor I sank,
how foolish I felt,
buried my head in the sand,
when I resurface will you,
change your mind,
my collegiate assumptions,
but you can't wave your hand and make existing feelings disappear,
you were just as rapt in the occasions as I,
I held it closer and you wished it to wilt and expire,
how could your desperate kisses be announced "so insignificant",
what didn't I do right,
to warrant your revulsion,
was I too willing to give?
now I seethe inside not knowing any truths to your contentions,
the belligerence that blisters,
the foundation of your aim to harm yourself only made me amend with dejection.
Was that your purpose?
Why can't you set this straight so I can understand, why make me wonder?
Why make me despise you for all you've done.
Not even you know.

I have so much work I should be doing. Instead I choose to accomodate my lazy side. A test on Thursday, a layout assignment tmw, work tmw as well. Running on 3 hours of sleep. I don't think life gets any better than this.

I know the strife you've endured,
but if you could see from another perspective,
step out of your shoes,
live again without this heavy heartache,
the ups and downs of love,
leading you to sorrow,
caught in a content corruption,
the sun in the sky,
will shine once again,
If I could steal the struggles,
release you into a bright day,
it will come to you,
exhilaration will devour,
you needn't worry,
luck comes easy,
don't you recognize,
all the potential you possess,
the gazes you absorb with dulled eyes,
despair can't survive forever,
divine moments are on the way,
all the pain from those delicate memories,
will fade with strength,
I sense the will within you,
ease yourself, part with darkness,
graceful misery,
please don't be so sullen,
all wounds heal with time.

A time for change,
everyone around me dances in the spotlight,
i'm heading for the shadows,
there I will remain hidden,
how can I morph into the creature you want more than I,
must I transform into,
a brilliant shell in order to be good enough,
your distinctive taste,
dissatisfied with my current existence,
and still the beauty and truth in my words you could never compare,
with every breath,
i'll show you what i'm made of,
I touched the place you'd never allow yourself to acknowledge,
i'm still waiting for the day,
you return to me to find you can't resist,
surrender before you drown in my compelling seas.

I'd come so far,
I thought I made it through,
ever since you said to forget,
I had myself convinced,
Why am I shaking inside?
you returned to haunt my memory,
the last thing I wanted,
I don't care about you,
I just need what I can't have,
drives me to the absolute end,
every little reminder,
invokes the night's events,
they reoccur in my head,
I felt so strong, so secure,
i'll never admit you're still my weakness,
you're still my enemy,
I will overcome,
I will show you everything you'll be missing,
you betrayed me,
lead by these confessions,
you can't even face me,
you're a frightened child,
plead me, knock down this wall you've constructed,
to keep me away,
but you still see me while you sleep,
or have you erased me from every part of you?