i don't know why i,
can look you in the eye and tell myself that this is okay,
when you don't try and you don't care,
so why should i?
do i even still?
am i just wasting time?
have you realized?
are your intentions just fantasized,
shouldn't you be scared since you lost me before.
it doesn't matter now.
you're out for deviation,
i'm searching for an easy separation,
letting you fall behind.
i'm making connections to rise above.

I think about you so much,
Wonder what if I did that, what if I said that,
Would things have ended up differently,
Would I still have a place with you?
You look so good to me now,
I can’t have you,
How many second chances did I blow?
How can I get back to the days,
Where you and I existed,
I miss the happy person I was with you.

You’re so contradicting
As soon as I think you’re coming around,
You’re a sharp curve away from a loaded gun,
I can’t give you up in case you turn into what I’ve foreseen,
But if it never happens, I’ve been wasting time I can’t get back,
Losing someone who would have been best for me,
Do I take the chance? I don’t want to leave empty handed,
I’m ready to give so much, is it worth it to lose it all to you,
exchanged for nothing.

i've been trying to sleep,
but these visions of you keep getting in my head,
getting in the way.
i'm doing all i can to keep it inside,
thought i was through with everything you.
Discarded the past, now you're invading the present,
bringing those feelings back i never wanted,
i know better than to say it out loud.
everyone disagrees, everyone sees through your facade.
---
isn't this the same way we end up?
i'm waiting by the phone with no hope you'll pull through,
gloomy reality.
simple things mean the most,
how little effort it takes to do what you say,
i'm fed up, it's growing tired, this repetition,
how could i have expected that you've changed.

every time i seem to get too far from you,
you're there, ready to be my everything,
still you struggle with something i can't see,
you don't know the right way to treat me,
i know in some way you care, kuz you hold on,
i get so frustrated kuz i can't figure you out, you can be so cold sometimes,
i just don't know what to do about you,
should i leave, should i keep you with me?
which way is it meant to be?
wish i knew what it would take for you to be what i need for me.

It gets to the point where I’m almost touching it,
Almost reached my dreams,
But there’s always a dead end standing in my way,
No way to jump the distance,
Just watch it sit so far from me,
If you push me, I’ll just fall over,
If you tell me, i’ll shut you out,
Believe me I feel it like it’s really happening,
This time and next time it ends the same,
No need to speak, I need to be left alone,
to untie these complications,
don’t do me any favors,
your presence is no charity,
I decided,
It doesn’t matter,
The amount you may have meant,
And the way things weigh themselves out to be,
Not important in the slightest,
I’ve found purpose,
Only death breathes inside your shameless soul.

How low I feel.
to see you, hands entwined with another,
after my heart accepts your apology,
how do I feel inside?
my walls tearing down,
no more pain, I swore,
you've broken your last chance,
all I can read is revenge,
behind my eyes burst,
all I want is to know you're gone,
please don't return to me,
it's stupid to have these feelings for you still,
when all you've done is do me wrong,
I don't want to be be weakened by you,
you were never worth the fuss,
you're not worth any tears i'd spent getting over you.

Nice girls always finish last,
no word of lie,
i'm tired of standing in the shadows,
being picked last, left alone,
bad luck will follow me wherever I go - near or far.
i'm the only one who's shrouded in silence, bitterness.
not desired, powerless, repelling,
that's just me in this permanent rut,
I can't rise above it,
watching those around me admired.
I thought i'd overcome this dry spell,
but i'm convinced i'm hopeless,
knowing what I want will never be an option,
how can anything change my mind?
I'm so deep down in here,
up to my knees in despair.
I wear my shell inside out.

What’s holding you back,
If you seemed so sure before,
Now you’re second guessing
how much hold you have on me.
If I’ve burned you once before,
This may be your last chance,
The truth is you’re just filling time,
Wrapped in fraudulent feeling,
Should you be so self righteous?

I dreamed of you,
After so long,
I fell in love with you again,
But knew it could never be,
I was intercepted by your proposal on my way to flee the country.
What an unexpected concept to envision,
How did you know to find me there?
only in dreams, these things come true,
Makes me so unsure of everything I’ve felt about you,
How haphazardly my feelings flew.
But words of commitment exist only in my unconscious.
Everything you felt, I overlooked.
Always puzzled,
I didn’t know what to do with so much emotion.
Sometimes I wonder if you might come around.
To be the one for ever after.
I should know better.
With all I’ve put you through,
I’m surprised you’d still care to know me.
Although distance and a busy life keep you,
I wish I could take mistakes back and be there for you.

How is it spelled,
How does it sound?
How does it feel to touch with your hands?
If you sing to me, I might fall in love,
Oh the sensations from your creations,
Creeping into me.

Found myself fond of your sparkling eyes,
Always shining, revealing your delight,
How excited you grew so quickly,
Never knew you had it in you,
There’s always darkness behind the light,
I’d say something to set you off,
You’d go for hours, relentless,
When you grew quiet,
I’d wait for your rage to rise again,
How do you leave, when it’s all you’ve lived.

for my Lex.
do you remember me?
how long will i stay with you?
there's a gaping hole that i've imparted,
why haven't you come back to me?
are your memories of late so great, ours have been replaced?
do you miss me?
will we grow further apart?
what we had makes me so sad kuz i'll never find another you.
i will never feel at ease even though i know you're happy.
you didn't look back when you left for the last time.
i tried to be strong, going on, but i've never felt so wrong.
every night i reunite with the past, i want to go back.
there was no bright sunlight like you illuminated my life,
now i am truly alone.
i don't care about anything that remains.

why is it so hard to find?
i'm taking on all your problems.
bound to pity, i feel guilty.
i try too hard to take the weight.
no one deserves to be unfortunate.
why does it happen?
what can i do?
i can't save anyone.

where it stands.
i'm not worried about you.
not caught up in your business anymore,
curious how you think i feel,
if you still sit high on a cloud of conceit,
it's hard to come down once you get there,
maybe your brain will burst,
did i find you too absorbed, all wrapped up in yourself?
yeah it's sickening,
how could i put up with you.
mistook the attention for your affection,
you only fancy yourself.
put me down if i start to sound better than you.
it can't be true!
hard to face the truth isn't it?

haha new shit here it is.
with each passing opportunity,
it always gets easier,
finally someone sees me for what i am,
no expectations,
1 day passed slowly,
even though it's not for me,
it's still nice know,
it's good to hear these things,
such little details make the biggest differences,
seek me out, if you can find me i might change my mind,
although i know nothing about you,
how can you make such a rash judgement?
my mind's in 10 million places,
here i go overthinking again,
i don't want the same old situation,
i could do without.

Father figures? I think not.
Let me start my beef with my stepdad, who acts like he's 5 years old. Grow some balls, seriously, and say what you mean. Don't be an ass behind my back and pretend to my face like the world is shitting lollipops and roses. The world doesn't work that way. Fuck him for not letting me bring my dog home anymore. I've got news for him, this is my god damn house too. The worst part about it is, the act he puts on as if he absolutely adores my dog, but after i leave he "suggests" my mother clean up the house and then complains about the scratches on the floor. You were just a little TOO fast to jump on the internet and post an ad for a free rotti, without telling me too. What a fantastic way to win my trust and admiration. Just a quick question, but if i didn't like your daughter and i told you to get rid of her do you think that would work? Nahh i didn't think so... To my mother who has no backbone, i have nothing nice to say to you either.
Then there's my real Father, or lack thereof considering he disappears for months at a time. No time to spend with me on my birthday - or even during the following 2 weeks, then no call for months. Thanks, I feel loved. Sure a present is really nice.. but i'd rather know you exist than receive gifts.

life isn't fair.... they say everything happens for a reason.. yeah i think that's bullshit now.

Tedious to please.
you were,
I thought I knew you,
you used to try a little,
you knew exactly what you were doing,
to me,
kidnapped my common sense,
built up my contempt towards you,
one mistake and you're giving up,
A coward, can't let emotions show,
like you're so hard nothing touches you,
you were so much better than any other,
but once it changes,
you lose all you held over them,
how do you look now to the outside?
I know you won't come through,
too selfish and proud,
I wouldn't want you now anyway,
I see how doomed we were,
from the beginning,
you're never wrong,
and I,
too stubborn to believe it,
A licensed liar,
persuasive and deceiving,
I knew you couldn't be everything you made yourself seem.

Leaving the country, leaving you behind,
i hope that in your head,
your brain keeps ticking,
like every minute without me is a nightmare,
you can't breathe, you feel the weight digging in,
your lungs are collapsing,
i look better than you remember,
than you've imagined in your mind,
falling, folding, kneeling, holding.....