For the first time i'm not going to post poetry. I have a lot on my mind and i'm going to unleash it all right here. right now. First of all, it's Christmas, and like every other year I can't sleep. Quite pathetic really, but I don't think it's the excitement of presents and all that fun stuff this year. Possibly it's more along the lines of huge decisions in my life facing me and having no clue what to do about them. Getting the boot from Sheridan and not knowing what i'm supposed to do about it. Do I leave? Do I find another crappy program to half-ass my way through college just so I can stay with my friends? Is there some 'right' decision that i'm supposed to make or will my life end up the same anyway no matter which path I choose? I'm not going to waste my time and money on something that isn't worthwhile, so i'm not going back to Sheridan. But now that i've made that decision, my next step is waiting to be determined. Now that I have to move back home. What will I do with myself? I know as great as my family is, there's just no way i'll be content living with them. It's just too difficult once you've been exposed to living with no rules and restrictions and depending solely on yourself. But do I have a choice? I want to do something with my life. I don't want to just come home and give up and that's it. I want to do things i've always wanted to do. Do I get a job and remain living at home? Maybe it's the smartest option, but I want to do something so I can look back and say "yeah I did it," and have no regrets. I could move to a big city and pursue something like acting, singing or modeling, just for the sake of attempting something extraordinary. There's so many things I want to do. From every big decision I make, there are strings of smaller but just as important decisions to make. It's awful. It never ends. This stresses me out beyond belief. As I have NO clue what to do. So where do I go from here?

What makes me happy?
what will it take?
How long until it finds me?
how do I keep myself in this state of oblivious continuance?
hiding from being hurt,
made too available, a weakness I cannot destroy,
kept awake by scenes of fulfillment,
been searching too thoroughly,
when I seem to reach the answer,
fate tears it from my hands,
feels like i've acquired a lifetime of wisdom,
but yet I can't accomplish life's simple pleasures,
must I rust and be worn down?
why is it taking so long?