For the first time i'm not going to post poetry. I have a lot on my mind and i'm going to unleash it all right here. right now. First of all, it's Christmas, and like every other year I can't sleep. Quite pathetic really, but I don't think it's the excitement of presents and all that fun stuff this year. Possibly it's more along the lines of huge decisions in my life facing me and having no clue what to do about them. Getting the boot from Sheridan and not knowing what i'm supposed to do about it. Do I leave? Do I find another crappy program to half-ass my way through college just so I can stay with my friends? Is there some 'right' decision that i'm supposed to make or will my life end up the same anyway no matter which path I choose? I'm not going to waste my time and money on something that isn't worthwhile, so i'm not going back to Sheridan. But now that i've made that decision, my next step is waiting to be determined. Now that I have to move back home. What will I do with myself? I know as great as my family is, there's just no way i'll be content living with them. It's just too difficult once you've been exposed to living with no rules and restrictions and depending solely on yourself. But do I have a choice? I want to do something with my life. I don't want to just come home and give up and that's it. I want to do things i've always wanted to do. Do I get a job and remain living at home? Maybe it's the smartest option, but I want to do something so I can look back and say "yeah I did it," and have no regrets. I could move to a big city and pursue something like acting, singing or modeling, just for the sake of attempting something extraordinary. There's so many things I want to do. From every big decision I make, there are strings of smaller but just as important decisions to make. It's awful. It never ends. This stresses me out beyond belief. As I have NO clue what to do. So where do I go from here?

What makes me happy?
what will it take?
How long until it finds me?
how do I keep myself in this state of oblivious continuance?
hiding from being hurt,
made too available, a weakness I cannot destroy,
kept awake by scenes of fulfillment,
been searching too thoroughly,
when I seem to reach the answer,
fate tears it from my hands,
feels like i've acquired a lifetime of wisdom,
but yet I can't accomplish life's simple pleasures,
must I rust and be worn down?
why is it taking so long?

Of course disappointment was here to greet me with open arms. But i'm still grinning.

Why did you choose those words so carefully?
turned clumsy and meaningless.
I tried to follow your games,
but they led me further behind than i was before,
are you doing this on purpose?
pulling me closer and pushing me away,
I thought you'd be the last one to treat me this way,
it is that easy for you?
you've never let me down like this,
I wished you'd be the first to take me in,
now i'll have to wander on my own,
it was your decision to set me free,
I refused to imagine a harsh reality,
it should've been what it was last year,
and the spring we spent,
nothing could shake us,
I ran when I discovered,
it was more than i'd ever hoped for,
now I can't go back,
how could I have let you fade?
I want what we once had,
it was always you ready to embrace,
now you've changed your mind and I need you still.

What will become of this journey home?

A new tongue to learn,
I will conform to your convictions,
if you need me to be different,
you can come in,
meandering weightless,
in tune to you,
you can play me til I bend,
I need you like you once needed me,
i'm afraid i'm much too late,
I want to belong,
tangled in your arms,
there were times you couldn't let me go,
suppress me now,
don't let me leave,
I can't bear to watch you disappear,
knowing I didn't try everything,
the dullness that leads my life without you,
you were the spark,
the moon emits your name,
my thoughts are held,
evolving around your face,
where are we supposed to be,
will I awake beside you,
or shiver in the morning still,
how did I let myself become a stranger to your heart,
will I discover what I used to see,
a soft smile to greet me.

Not bad for 5 am. Can't sleep, it's driving me crazy thinking and I can't get rid of these thoughts and worries until I can confirm the way things are.
Prolonged 3 more days. 3 more nights without sleep.

Why has everything grown so clear,
through the haze I saw you,
and I,
never felt more alive,
skin crawling with delight,
I see the side I missed,
I didn't feel before today,
3 days is too long,
when I hear my voice weak and shaking,
yours speaks to me,
I look wide,
the possibility draws me home,
haven't known a happiness,
like the one you've revealed to me,
I didn't look before I lept,
into the inception of your covet,
does it still remain,
my tortured mind repents every ill thought,
you won't ever know,
even if these words I give to you,
the jilted love I bore,
tainted your unforeseen ability to maintain my stability,
your portentuous touch,
I miss the distillation of your spirit.

We meet again.
After so long,
all the shit I put you through,
I stand before you, ashamed and in remorse,
what can I give you,
to make up for the implemented dissension,
I should have kept you safe,
loved with you all the will inside,
i'm days away,
inundated in our history,
you only wished me well,
I delivered a hushed farwell,
untimely tears,
the affect that unsettles my soul,
my destruction of a beautiful thing,
could I ever prevail in the war over your affection,
would it be the same,
i'm still blazing in your ambiance,
will you set me straight,
what you'll take from me.

Everytime I try,
you make it harder on me,
as if my guilt didn't kill enough,
your words come back to haunt me,
I drown you with kindness,
and you strangle me with contempt,
if only you would understand,
what you've been to me,
I love who you used to be,
I deserve a thousand lashes,
but I was blind to your suffering,
you'll never allow me to forget,
confuse me when you speak of reuniting,
how did those pretty thoughts vanish so quickly,
my actions, so childish as I fled and pushed you away,
now that the ugly's gone,
I remember only the beautiful,
and how deep it ran for me,
you became the victim of my cruel hands,
i've never wanted anything more,
than to take back my deviance and mend your wounded heart,
if only there were a way,
i'm so sorry, I should have stayed.

I almost had myself fooled back into thinking,
you're what I wanted,
but deception reminded me,
your honesty never meant that much,
I can be weak if I choose,
your guidance led me to disaster,
but you always wanted me to take your place,
turned out to be a momentary lapse,
swung and left the door open,
my steps embraced the border,
heard my feet race like thunder,
ran to shut me out tight,
yet you look upon me,
pressed against the glass,
begging with your eyes to crack the silence,
waiting for me to witness your change,
pleading me to react,
defending my pride with jealousy's ample gun,
what warped conclusion have you drawn out for me.

winter has risen,
it's so hard to confess,
when there's nothing left to say,
never a choice,
this silent profession,
always seems we're on the same line,
i've watched you compare,
why should I even bother,
the same conclusion,
I promised myself I was through trying,
why am I finding the effort escaping,
aiming for the stars,
I should realize they're far beyond my grasp,
feels like i'm falling behind,
never sure what i'm asking for,
still haven't figured out what i'm missing,
I remain with the last,
overseen, caught up in a losing streak,
struggling to discover where to extract bliss,
hopeful that my day will come,
someone will finally see the good within,
and won't let it slip away.

Have I relished too long in the thought,
Should I let it go,
Tear myself away from
You, enticing me with your piercing grin,
I, fumbling in my demure,
Devised deep in the quiet,
What you’d say,
to have me ask you to stay,
Locked in your gaze,
Outspoken mysterious ways,
Looking at me,
full of intensity,
between each melodic muse,
synergy reaching me,
a plausible impracticality,
why can’t I distinguish between dreams and veracity,
your distinctive disposition,
creates a stirring in my soul,
and I hide to save myself from conveyance,
I leave it all in your hands,
if ever you should ascertain my adoration.

Wasn't it easy to pretend?
but i'm not pretending anymore,
it's everything I mean,
it's about time I was able to discover,
just how long the feelings have been gone,
that's it, and there's the end,
i'm glad it's in the past now,
I realized too late,
I was meant to be the girl you wanted but could never have,
there's no turning back,
I have no regrets,
i'm absolutely dry of anything I once held for you,
don't think for an instant that you had any control over me,
don't you ever wonder why?
all i'm looking for is anyone but you,
you need distraction,
i'm already over you,
please don't flatter yourself,
i'm always the better person,
on the brink of insanity,
living my life the way I should be,
you're isolated in your cold, lonely capsule,
seems a depressing fate is awaiting you,
i'm not surprised,
look how you torture yourself.

It's the little things that matter most, the littlest things can turn a person off. It's the littlest things that can provide a whole new outlook on feelings that you thought were really there.

How big has the void grown?
you know I was your way out,
your only escape from loneliness,
have you gradually begun to see,
just how wrong you've been,
do you want me back in your life?
just say it,
prove to me your worth,
how good things will be,
kuz i'm close to caving,
tell me what i've been waiting to hear,
i'll be the first to say goodbye,
catch a tear in the corner of your eye,
why do you think you're so superior to me?
what makes you so self assured?
where'd you get the confidence?
what gives you the right,
to make me feel so small beside you,
remember I was the one to bend,
to accommodate for you,
I hope you're caught up,
let me let you know,
i'm not burning for you,
not yearning for you,
you're just a washed up lost long ago mistake,
but I want the opportunity,
to walk away from you.

Naters, Thank you so much for being so amazing to me! You've always been there for me!

What I wouldn't give to have you beside me,
my eyes sting when you tell me over the distance how you miss me,
"if I were there i'd lay beside you and play with your hair until you fell asleep"
everything I needed to hear came tumbling out,
what more could I ask for,
the best friend that I ever encountered,
rising in my struggles to support and love me unconditionally,
my life is such a pleasant place,
exploding with vitality,
your presence makes the difference between my good and bad days.


~*~

The letters that I wrote,
I can never send you,
all those emotions, the passion that I unveiled,
you overlooked and dismissed,
threw into the stormy engulfing waters,
tied to an anchor I sank,
how foolish I felt,
buried my head in the sand,
when I resurface will you,
change your mind,
my collegiate assumptions,
but you can't wave your hand and make existing feelings disappear,
you were just as rapt in the occasions as I,
I held it closer and you wished it to wilt and expire,
how could your desperate kisses be announced "so insignificant",
what didn't I do right,
to warrant your revulsion,
was I too willing to give?
now I seethe inside not knowing any truths to your contentions,
the belligerence that blisters,
the foundation of your aim to harm yourself only made me amend with dejection.
Was that your purpose?
Why can't you set this straight so I can understand, why make me wonder?
Why make me despise you for all you've done.
Not even you know.

I have so much work I should be doing. Instead I choose to accomodate my lazy side. A test on Thursday, a layout assignment tmw, work tmw as well. Running on 3 hours of sleep. I don't think life gets any better than this.

I know the strife you've endured,
but if you could see from another perspective,
step out of your shoes,
live again without this heavy heartache,
the ups and downs of love,
leading you to sorrow,
caught in a content corruption,
the sun in the sky,
will shine once again,
If I could steal the struggles,
release you into a bright day,
it will come to you,
exhilaration will devour,
you needn't worry,
luck comes easy,
don't you recognize,
all the potential you possess,
the gazes you absorb with dulled eyes,
despair can't survive forever,
divine moments are on the way,
all the pain from those delicate memories,
will fade with strength,
I sense the will within you,
ease yourself, part with darkness,
graceful misery,
please don't be so sullen,
all wounds heal with time.

A time for change,
everyone around me dances in the spotlight,
i'm heading for the shadows,
there I will remain hidden,
how can I morph into the creature you want more than I,
must I transform into,
a brilliant shell in order to be good enough,
your distinctive taste,
dissatisfied with my current existence,
and still the beauty and truth in my words you could never compare,
with every breath,
i'll show you what i'm made of,
I touched the place you'd never allow yourself to acknowledge,
i'm still waiting for the day,
you return to me to find you can't resist,
surrender before you drown in my compelling seas.

I'd come so far,
I thought I made it through,
ever since you said to forget,
I had myself convinced,
Why am I shaking inside?
you returned to haunt my memory,
the last thing I wanted,
I don't care about you,
I just need what I can't have,
drives me to the absolute end,
every little reminder,
invokes the night's events,
they reoccur in my head,
I felt so strong, so secure,
i'll never admit you're still my weakness,
you're still my enemy,
I will overcome,
I will show you everything you'll be missing,
you betrayed me,
lead by these confessions,
you can't even face me,
you're a frightened child,
plead me, knock down this wall you've constructed,
to keep me away,
but you still see me while you sleep,
or have you erased me from every part of you?

I don't think I can do it,
Just sinking, resting,
I'm hovering in the midst,
above reality,
my mind is empty of any thoughts,
I think i'm getting further,
into a better position,
it's the first time i've felt like myself,
not caught up in some meaningless fixation,
i'm grounded and I finally fit into my skin,
Busy with the rush of life,
i've been putting it off,
so unfamiliar,
what matters most always reigns,
it's about time I realized,
I see everything as it is,
no scenic distractions,
I won't change for anyone,
I like where i've found myself,
Not ever leaving,
this attitude that's bloomed,
puts so much behind me,
the difference is infectious,
the consequence is so humbling,
I don't look down anymore,
watch me shine.

Fix your eyes,
do they stay in one spot?
I concentrate too hard,
and i'm tripping over clumsy feelings,
they're unnecessary,
i'm so relieved,
now that all this mess has passed,
now I see how great I can be,
when I look at the sky,
the stars spell out my name,
there's something bigger waiting for me,
impatiently anticipating,
beautiful captivity,
blinking, growing accustomed to my fresh eyes,
you've never looked stranger,
I don't even remember who you are,
i've been smiling every since that day,
everything you stole just faded away,
i've never been better,
knowing I never needed to depend on you,
in your eyes, I know there's tears,
though suppressed, you're crumbling inside,
holding all the sorrow,
you'll never have me to hold again.

It said it was coming,
maybe you realized,
it's always been me,
now that i'm gone,
isn't that convenient,
could I be the reason why,
you wrote those words?
what's behind,
have I gotten to you this time?
a moment too late,
it's about time that you break,
the smoke is rising,
it always seems to be,
you fall for me,
as soon as I decide i'm through with you,
too bad you missed out,
it's not so simple,
while i'm not at your disposal,
no no no no,
the words sound tough,
but you're so tender inside,
nothing's how you thought it would be,
and i'm alright,
my absence hits you in the weakest place,
now you're not sure of anything.

Look at me,
I can stand proud without you,
I think i'm happier this way,
nothing should change,
you took up too much time,
what a shame I wasted more than a little,
at least now I don't have to worry anymore,
i'm comfortable now,
this is me,
not the desolate stranger I used to be,
you formed me with your bare hands,
I couldn't conform to the way you wanted me,
look at me bounce back,
submerged in all things that lead me to contentment,
I could never devote myself to someone devoid of any emotion besides misery,
how can you live that way?
you're the last detail I sought after,
was I always just the answer to your desperation?

~*~

From the backseat,
jammed in tight,
you're that close,
stretched across and heavy,
I can see you're looking in all the wrong directions,
so you're hurt, doesn't mean you've lost all your charm,
it's working on me,
you're too blinded to see,
if you've got any love inside to spare,
I can use some charity,
only if you will,
there's a discovery unfurling before your eyes,
do you look right past it?
you probably know any way,
no words are necessary,
I can say what I feel,
but it only gets me in trouble,
hasn't been returned in ages,
what's the use of risking it,
maybe in a little while,
when your wounds have healed over,
we can meet again in a different light,
i'll take you and keep you safe and warm.

Can you still feel my fingers trace circles on your back?
I was certain it was in your arms that I belonged,
this is so unlike you,
but are you scared by the feelings you found?
were you overwhelmed by guilt?
why did you deny yourself from such perfection,
is hurting me the answer?
did pushing me away cure your misery?
I know you felt as much as I,
you were dying inside,
needed my kiss before you shattered to pieces,
now you've run away,
you can't control your actions,
it was never me, always the blamed,
it's yours for the taking,
my power over you makes you feel like less of a man,
you can't take it,
pressuring you until you crack,
you'd never accept true happiness,
you don't feel like you deserve it,
i'm starting to agree with you,
sad you'd turn down the one chance you had,
to outlet all the pain and passion you keep inside,
so fragile and small you have become,
no sight for a weak heart like mine,
you captured me with a beautiful voice,
but it can't win you everything,
look what you missed out on.

~*~

You'll never do better,
I actually believe what they've been saying,
I have to laugh,
when I remember what I ever saw in you,
I gave so much,
nothing in return,
wasn't a lot I wouldn't do for you,
why did I fall for you?
should have seen this from the beginning,
you weren't good enough for me,
you never tried to match the love I had for you,
you can't even express yourself,
held so much from me,
how could you have sufficed,
when I told you everything,
I asked the sky for answers,
it explained more than you,
you never made sense,
i'm still buried in confusion,
this puzzle you left me to unfold,
will it ever reveal the truth,
the reasoning behind,
you sold me out,
to beggars and thieves,
open up and let me in,
everyday without you feels like a sin.

I don't even think about you anymore,
every once vivid moment is a distant image,
your vocation is the only aspect i can't see past,
it sticks beneath my skin,
why'd you have to sing so sweetly,
you proved to me that you've never deserved the adulation,
still you act like you were falsely accused,
and that I could never belong,
even though you gave me your affection,
mystified when you switched back and forth,
the only thing I ever wanted was to render your happiness.

Could there be reason behind your actions? The possibility remains.

Could it be just an excuse?
perhaps a sign,
you'd like to get closer,
the questions I ask,
to the answers I already know,
potential promise,
I am alert and I am ready,
just waiting to hear those words,
that may be near,
I caught the glare in your eyes,
saw something there,
it wasn't just a friendly stare,
you look away,
and my heart dances,
so slow and it sings a hopeful song,
you take your time,
evaluating me in your mind,
how could I ever do you wrong?
so blatant and honest,
your words strike me speechless,
my cheeks crimson,
my awkward existences unfolds,
the opportunity left open to be fulfilled.

As I stood,
in the doorway,
there your eyes were introduced to mine,
all at once,
a collision I wanted to last,
the impossibility exists,
your gentle manner,
would never harm a sensitive soul,
never a kinder exchange,
progressing to an exquisite stage.

~*~

Every Word,
all the things I wish i'd said,
maybe I could have spared us falling apart,
i'm living in denial,
making excuses for your behavior,
if I could i'd just close my eyes,
and push you right out of my mind,
I wonder if you paused for even a moment,
to consider,
how I felt,
wrapped up in your selfish actions,
all I ever craved was an explanation.

Some moments may grow dark, but rain is a beautiful thing.

I am sleeping between,
craddled somewhere safe,
away from any harm,
though sometimes I still think,
about the warm nights we spent,
i am unperplexed by your carelessness,
sheltered from any impending violations,
my strength's inspiring and expanding,
so let your distaste for me shine in all it's glory,
make it easier for me,
it's never been a struggle,
secluded in my smiles,
I won't let you put the storm in the sky,
everything is more than just fine.

I know the next time,
I see you, i'll be numb,
when you look at me,
I won't be weakened,
you'll sit in your dark corner,
making eyes with all the options,
but that won't last,
until your empty glass hits the table,
you will arise,
searching for someone you'll never find,
i'll be on the other side of the door,
moving on, moving up,
you're shrinking, losing your head,
maybe that's an improvement,
it's best for all of us,
my heart's safe out of your reach,
you'll never know a touch more divine than mine,
the pieces never will,
fit together, your actions go unexplained,
is your mind that empty?
couldn't you see how much I cared?
you're too much unlike the person I first met,
that possessed your name,
you aren't the same,
what an unanticipated twist,
how could you, how could you?
but i'm weary enough to forget,
what did you expect from me?

What's lost is gone, but I won't let you carry on. I'm not that stupid to realize, what in your eyes is the real prize. You never cared about me. Now i've become everything I want to be. Honestly why do I settle for second best? I'm through with that.

It's hard to think about,
how you've lead me on for so long,
how cold hearted you must be,
she explained it perfectly,
"emotionally those nights meant something to me"
the reality stung, they never meant anything to you,
you had the audacity to act like I was nothing,

I hope you'll ache without my presence,
need me when i'm not around,
you've only made me stronger,
one day you'll come back begging,
I wish you will,
so I can remind you of how I felt,

i'm not devestated,
I may be hurt, but i'm not shedding tears over you,
you had the chance and now it's gone,
there won't be any more,
you've never been worth the mess,
i'm not worried about losing you,

I know when I find somebody,
he'll be way better than you,
i've never been blind, I just denied the truth,
came back and now i'm thankful that I can get over you,
it won't be hard I promise that,
I thought you deserved it,
but I was mistaken,
you fooled me with your convincing softness,

but that's the last of you,
good riddance to my confusion and my heart's contusions,
your mind games and false pretensiousness,
i'm glad to see you go.

That's just fine,
It's not like i need you,,
it would be nice,
but i'm not looking for a waste of time,
it's just as easy to say goodbye,
don't be fooled by my exaggerated words,
it could be divine but i'm just as happy on my own.
If you've got the nerves to endure,
if you don't have the strength,
i don't have the will.

The ramblings after the effects of tequila rose/peach schnapps and gin.

If positions were flipped,
and it was me up there,
would you be held captive in my voice?
i'd have you under my control,
would i care?
can't you rescue me from this despair,
and it's quiet when i think,
thoughts of you above me,
it's too hard to hate you,
for making me so naive,
i stepped out in the snow today,
caught snowflakes on my tongue,
all the while wishing you were beside me,
how can love be so simple to disguise,
when it bursts from my seams,
do i melt your heart sometimes?
is there any way to get through to you,
have you built defenses,
to keep me out,
have i gotten close?

~*~

it's no secret anymore,
when you press your face to mine,
and say what you said,
hands in my hair,
it's become publicly aware,
this time it was your mistake,
it doesn't make any sense,
when you try to hide it,
the next our fingers intwined,
all the world can see,
isn't that what's keeping us apart?
the bind has broken,
we layed it out clear,
for everyone to witness,
so why'd you let loose?
you were all over me,
it's so obvious now,
so why are we still pretending?
if regret overcomes you,
i will walk away from us,
leave you to figure out where you went wrong,
i've done everything i can,
if it's not enough,
your offer's not good enough.

Time takes away the drops of a long forgotten day.

Weightless, with all my unimaginable thoughts,
So I still alone,
My life’s a mundane dream,
Standing to be corrected for my misperceived perception,
The mounting ardour becomes apparent in your sights,
A sigh and one whisper that fades,
“can we restore these memories”,
you said it but the words were mine,
stunned, a dishevelled you, knew I put those words in your mouth,
recollecting, you deemed me worthy of repute,
decline the opposition, greet me with defeat,
easily able to resist, why am I here,
a victim of misconstrue, you had me,
though I recognized your ploy for confusion,
I played along, held blind by my affection,
Haven’t grasped the relation between your words and convergence,
So sundry, with discrete emotion elasticity,
The innocent honest intentions, exist evidently,
Repetitious as I relish preceding days.

Silence. An empty mind makes life easy. I can't believe it's snowing.

I ran to escape,
screaming from inside out,
I resent you,
i'm laying it before you,
the icy truth,
if you ever told me,
"I just want you to be happy"
your selfish ignorance lit up the sky,
you're unraveling, peeling everyday,
revealing how little of you there is left,
was it me who set you off?

I'm going home tomorrow, I need a break from all the craziness here in Oakville. I've been thinking too much again.

Hey,
How long must I live on knowing,
i'm running into nothing,
falling, headfirst,
pushing, only ending up right at the beginning,
when I lost you,
I felt the crushing of my insides,
even though I might indulge in your arms,
I can't stay there forever,
the indigo takes over,
I disappear with the rising sun,
somehow I can't manage a simple goodbye,
the words get caught in my throat,
I can't kill my love for you,
no matter how many holes I drive through it,
any logical thoughts are scarce,
you pull farther away,
I always told you exactly how I felt,
you couldn't say it just once,
i'm endlessly asking for too much,

the complications are too big,
there's nothing I can say to make you stay,
you've already walked away,
how will I forget you
~*~

I looked up,
in the clouds i saw,
one familiar fall night,
you and i entangled,
moments cut short,
i was high off the addiction to your lips,
and the rising heat,
and i descended deeper,
how did it progress to this plateau?
you see through my transparency,
how much of a fool i've become for you,
i can't rest until we pursue this further,
but would you give in?
my jaw dropped at the sound,
contagious are those scenes,
face to face we lay,
i prayed that your actions were real,
watched the light creep across the floor,
i asked you not to let me go,
maybe you forgot,
there's still this flooding feeling,
never runs dry.

It's crazy how a simple feeling can put so much in perspective.

If i asked you how you felt,
would you avoid the question?
what are you scared of?
what answer would i expect?
you'd be the first i'd run to,
i'd confide in you a mass of secrets,
ignoring the inevitable,
I won't accept the looming impossibility,
if all we have is tonight,
i'd pause the world for an eternity,
and love you until the end,

I don't want to believe,
i'm the only one who feels this way,

seems as though i've been waiting out losing you for good,

I can't bear it,
how close are we to something?

will i clench my fists,
and shut my eyes,
to the sound of my breaking heart?

this time i loved for all the right reasons.

Nothing's going on, my poems seem to have transformed into loose thoughts gathered together that don't really sound pretty anymore. It's kind of sad.
I think i'm forcing things out that aren't there.

The words I want to say,
could drive you away,
yet they remain,
demanding to be released,
is there a possibility,
you might share this immense intensity,
it's getting hard to pretend,
these feelings aren't tearing at my insides,
struggling to pry themselves out,
how can this be fair,
we act like friends,
but so much more lies behind,
itching to be unleashed,
while you're dreaming of fame,
i'm dreaming of your kiss,
and all the things it would bring.

Liann's on her way here at this very moment, it will be a very chaotic, fun week!!

sound is still,
the echo of your voice,
fills the silence,
entertains and enhances thoughts of you,
striking me strongly,
tears contained,
stain these cheeks,
knowing your internal aches,
wanting to wash them away,
make you endlessly happy,
undo the pain you've kept inside,
how long has it been?
weeping,
wanting to bridge this gaping hole,
present in your gentle heart,
is my love not enough?
not the right one?
why can't you let me,
under your skin,
so i can try to be,
everything you'll ever need,
summon all the bright days,
that are long overdue,
you lock everything inside,
it's all you've known how to do.

~*~

trying to sort through all these things,
discovering where you fit into the picture,
you're all that's inhabiting my mind,
feeling helpless, there's nothing i can do,
to make this any clearer,
the intensity between us,
stings me deep, every moment,
you're not near, i need you,
sun sign rings true,
i wonder if you're the one,
that's come to make me whole,
do you still abide his wishes?
i'll never understand,
what this pounding in my blood means,
everytime you're here it comes rushing back again,
your scent stayed with me for days,
now i just feel lifeless,
everything's going right,
but you're still missing.

~*~

Have you heard,
one damn word i've said?
it's easy for me to say,
"i don't need you, i never did"
fooled myself into thinking,
i could count on you,
i'm tired of getting nowhere,
waiting while you procrastinate,
live on without me,
i won't settle for seconds,
coming to reach me when you find the time,
i'll never let you get the best of me,
search for somebody else,
you won't find the love in my heart,
my patience retired yesterday,
if you come looking for me,
i won't be here for you anymore,
it's too late and it's too bad,
you weren't worth the tears i'd shed,
i refuse to cry over you,
it's so sad to find a man,
who doesn't know to treat a woman,
it's never been that hard to please me,
but broken promises won't win me over,
i wish i could say i never cared for you,
i'm almost there.

~*~

There's something I want to ask you...
Are you happy?
I've been wanting to tell you,
the thing that hurts most about not being with you:
knowing you deserve so much and not being able to give it to you,
You should know,
no matter what we are,
friends or lovers,
i'll always care,
deeply,
for you,
how much?
it kills me.

A week full of adventurous activities and endless possibilities!!

One lasting longing look,
drawn up tall before me,
stands with an outstretched hand,
to greet me with affection,
a darkened delicate whisper,
a hushed hello on the hint of a sweet breeze,
circling the laps, outlining your core,
you spoke,
a slight arise in the bluest skies,
held in the swirl of your kiss,
wrapping it's arms around me,
alluring, inviting,
a precise persuasion to contentment,
rendering responses replaying,
reminiscess of a dreary day.

~*~

it's just us,
bound by the bitterness,
prelude to the restlessness,
the confusion of my pounding heart,
inside this cage,
behind the tranquil waves of rage,
my escape from your receeding stage.

~*~

A lingering possibility,
i'd care to endure,
pursuing one path to discover,
your passion that lies somewhere inside,
carefree, you've been everywhere,
i'd like to wake up, whisked away,
so how come i still can't find you,
I found a flawless loss,
why haven't i won this game that's begun,
without consequence it seems,
you've acquired all my dreams,
my luck's been long since burried deep,
you stole the ease from my sleep,
I created this unhappiness,
for you and I to revoke the bliss,

Back in Oakville, thank god, things are back to normal.

One Caress,
My shoulder to your chest,
the pale winter in your eyes,
I tried to hold on to an instant,
silently swept me by,
here's to the endearing embraces,
my nervous lips and your expressions while you sleep

....

I was bewildered at the sight,
I sensed the coming words,
as cold as they are,
those nights stain my skin,
I thought the worst was over,
imagine the surprise,
hit me from behind,
my euphoric glow died,
the dereliction emerged,
contained in my tired eyes,
the falling answers,
a fresh forming dismay,
derived from your incinerating discourse,
you knew every step you placed,
the privation I endured,
I heightened you beyond the sun,
I told everyone,
the mysteries you'd undone,
the marathon's you'd outrun,
I made myself a fool for your deception,
it's getting late now,
but i can't forget your face.

I'm at home in Bracebridge, being here reminds me of why I was so eager to leave in the first place.

A million times,
the stars have burst,
you set them aflame,
i fell for your false promises,
you've been found guilty,
why do you walk in and out of my life,
when you tell me i'm a lovely breeze,
you disappear like you've been caught in a hurricane,
what's wrong with me,
to make you up and leave,
lie to me and fill me with hope,
whisper sweetly and wrap me in your arms,
in the morning run for your life,
what have i done to be so deserving,
you're careless, how could you be so blind,
can't you make up for what's been lost,
still no word you keep me dangling,
how cruel and unkind you must be.

and yet another:

What does your enthusiasm mean?
we can never be, you said,
but now you can't wait,
a hurried invitation,
does it access your heart?
what changed inside,
have you realized what we've become?
are you letting your heart lead?
will i fall once again,
even if it's wrong,
why do i feel so contrite,
dreaming of reaching,
those lips again,
the flushing of my cheeks,
from the invasion of tempting reminders,
how can you deny,
when i see it clearly,
i'm waiting for the words,
and the moment to arise.

Sorry for the delay, being bedridden and sleeping takes up too much time:

Riding high on an aspiring axis
A failed fire that lies
Deepened, digging a darker desperate dwelling
But you couldn’t memorize enough lines
I remain a fallen figure in your plotted ploy
False found a home imbedded within my skin
I conjured a confession from your courteous claims
Last light littered litigation left me longing
sick succulent situations sitting and seeming simple
retaining relevance, reaching redundant rapports
what wretched withering wounds need to repair
you refused to rest with ridiculous reasons rightly
weathered, worn with the wind, wrestling with the suggestion
where did I choose the same old beaten path
caked with the charcoal crimson chaotic confusion
emptiness unfolds and gesticulates towards me
suggested successions of sweet sullen sections
justify your vindictive procedures that leave me volatile


and I hate you for making me feel this way
can’t take a break to acknowledge my existence
playing, pretending, dressing up to be
then steps on my insides
I had fallen into a pit of flames
You came and I tumbled into the sweetest skies
Now I’m left in disarray

Here goes another short one:

Your essence surrounds me,
you overtake my mind,
i'm held captive in your hand,
with every smile,,
my eyes draw to a sinful close,
your inviting words swathed my core,
and my reverence swelled inside,
our analogous thirst,
a reticent intimation,
mending all my intusions.

Yet another quick one:

You have appeared,
How did you know,
you were everything I need,
our eyes met, hearts set ablaze,
you came to save my soul,
I became a skeptic and you,
made me believe in fate,
and surrendering to the sky.

I discovered a poem I had written awhile ago in my book. So instead of distracting myself from homework, i'm going to use it for my daily poem even tho in a way it's cheating! :

You'd never have me,
Take me away,
Fold me in your arms,
I wished for your affection,
though I know your ways,
how could you stay still long enough,
to allow my hands to capture your heart?
the impossibility aches,
what happened to the feelings we exchanged?
all the lovely things you said,
when I see you next,
will it all come rushing back,
could I make your heart stop in place?
and all the thoughts I have for you,
will become obvious,
and i'll search your dramatic eyes,
for all I hope to find,
but what if it's all a dream,
i'll lose so much happiness,
i've built around touching your face,
it could all be erased easily,
if you've found someone else,
you'd never pause for me,
why can't I be the one you're waiting for?
nothing comes without complications,
I can't force you to be with me.

I know i'm supposed to try and post something I've written each day, but I haven't had the time or the sudden rush of words to do so.
I'm ignoring the looming pile of homework and studying I should be doing, so maybe i'll concentrate on passing college instead of having fun! Not likely.

I haven't written anything today.. so i'm just gonna see what I can come up with right here on the spot. All I can say is the past three days have been completely chocked full of fun, hugs and Ice Cream! I love my friends here!! :

I left the world behind,
settled into suspicion,
caught the wind on my tongue,
tasted what it felt like to be free,
realized the propinquity I craved was littered with obstinate obstacles,
resurfaced with resonance,
I'm looking at you with fresh eyes,
the rise and fall of my existence lies in the palm of my hands,
the arduous emotion drawn from solitude I can bear,
impassioned by my strength,
I will discover the adulation you cannot provide.

It seems I can't go a day without hurting someone, one day maybe i'll learn from my mistakes. Here's another poem:

Past the initial sting,
beyond the stage of loneliness,
I am healing,
it won't be long,
regaining my balance,
pushing away from the sorrow,
for a slight second my heart ached,
learning to be strong again,
I left you at the table,
where I let my cards fall,
slid into oblivion,
for once it felt nice,
emotion took hold,
I was lost for a moment,
I found the solace,
saved everything I am,
savoured a succulent thought,
I can ignore now,
I hope one day,
you'll dream of reaching for me,
and I won't reach back,
tell me how good it feels,
maybe then you'll understand.

This one is in the process of being finished, here's what I have so far (it kinda blows!):

Beautiful Being,
Kind Creature,
I can't shelter you forever,
I could never love you like I should,
my seas of green,
would cloud with black,
if your vital presence were ever to fade,
can you linger without my deepest affection,
the agony in your eyes,
is the destruction I feel inside,
what words can I say,
when all the right ones swam away.

Here's a couple i'm in the process of working on, kuz they aren't that good yet! :

All the excellence had to end,
I never imagined i'd lose you,
not this way,
I awake again,
to another quiet passage,
I attempt a shot at a new day,
nothing's felt quite right,
not since your departure,
I can't fit right inside my own skin,
you had no idea,
what mess you left a wreck,
i'm struggling to keep still,
ignore the thoughts that try to overtake my mind,
the mistakes you made,
with an intoxicated conscience,
it doesn't make any sense at all,
maybe you tried to fill a void,
one that's not so clear.

and the next one:

there's never been anyone better,
you've entangled yourself in me,
the ease I feel tonight,
a wide grin formed after contentment burst within,
it's spreading rapidly like a lovely disease,
everything glows and blooms at my feet,
I only know you feel it too,
afraid this scandalous love will quickly fade,
I was left dizzied,
my longing lips awaiting another kiss.

Here's one I wrote today:
Where did we begin,
one night drew to a beautiful close,
the way you held me in your arms,
the sweet way you slept,
and the sun rose,
your actions seemed so misdirected,
you ran away,
I was shrouded in lost thoughts,
where does that leave me now,
with no kiss goodbye or a clue,
to how your feelings changed overnight,
I became a navy pool,
every hope inside me failed,
you knew how to draw me in,
I was released without my consent,
left with the teasing remininsces,
and the bitter cool ache you left behind,
knowing the words I longed to hear,
never meant anything,
after my heartfelt confession you said "I feel the same",
and grabbed my hands and pulled me to you,
your touch sent ripples of ice down my spine,
and I was yours,
then the moment breaks,
the delight is shattered and i'm alone once again.
- The things I come up with can be so damn depressing!

Let's see how well this works out. I'll try and post poetry that i'm working on here or recently finished poetry kuz I want the whole world to recognize, that's right.