Can't stand to hear it,
Not your voice again,
I'm on a rampage, attacking all pieces of you left behind,
Soon there will be nothing left,
It feels so good to be free from your fair-weather behavior,
You know I missed your touch,
selfishness got the better of you,
Thinking of me first,
I wish you could have,
Buying time until I broke the code,
Now I know your secrets pouring out,
Hush hush up, don't let me catch on,
You don't want me to get gone,
Wondered why I got no reply,
You can't keep me on the sly,
Everlasting light, you're slowly dying,
Litigate your malevolent side,
What gives you the drive?
To mess with my mind.

Maybe things would be different
If I stayed with you
But I finally believe,
We were never meant to be,
All the lies people are saying,
They feel like truths,
You're just here to disappear,
Forget the past, we've evolved too far from that,
You know I was sorry,
I've felt you sinking for so long,
What do you want from me now?
Since you've been wishing me away,
Now you want me?
Even though I've wanted you back all this time,
You're not running as deep as through me,
Can't stand the things I'm hearing you've done,
Hate to believe them to be true,
But I have this ugly feeling,
You aren't the way you used to,
Pulling me in your undertow,
i can't refuse you,
no matter how strong the salt stings.

Yes I remember,
Every whispered word,
Every kiss and broken promise,
Your words don’t mean shit anymore,
Now you’ve taken everything,
We built and burned it to the ground
Is she really worth wearing me down?
And it’s so serious now,
Losing my mind, left in the dark,
Omitted so much I needed to hear,
Never predicted you’d fall so fast so deep,
My hope revoked,
Here I go, the window, just to feel,
so bled, so dry, so many questions why,
no rise, no smile for sunset,
I hate to want her to hurt you,
But I can taste vengeance,
Laid thick on my tongue.
Failed to keep you,
Can’t be a weapon to defeat you,
So much I needed to say,
But I can’t form the words,
Given no opportunity,
I’m so wrong,
I can’t erase the stupid things I never meant.
You’ll never comprehend the significance,
The tremendous pounding of blood speeding through my veins,
Every time I sensed you in the room.
I try to disguise how embittered I am.
Never felt so unwelcome inside myself.

New additions to our household, my baby girl Etnie the pug and V's little man Harley!

On a cold night,
The sky had never seemed so black,

Caught by surprise,
Knocked me off my feet,
Took me like a hurricane,
Touched me like I’ve never been tainted,
Pulling me in against you,

It took me so long to get here,
But I blame it all on meeting you,
Feels like there’s nothing I can’t do,
I’m afraid I’m going to lose you,
Before we get a chance.

If you’re going to let me down,
Make it quick and painless,
I don’t think I can wait another minute more,
Before I drive myself crazy with possibilities,
They’re endless, my mind is thirsty for the truth,
It’s been a long time since I felt so sure of someone,
But maybe it’s just the rush of adrenaline,
I’m awaiting disappointment,
What else could it be arising?
I could never be good enough for you,
Bad news, the phone is silent,
Every noise I hear stirs this sick feeling,
Seems I have so much to say every day that you don’t call.
Drink away this despair,
Blur the sweetness beyond recognition,
So I can’t overanalyze,
Rehearse my lines,
Just to forget as soon as your voice sounds,
So I lay with all these thoughts to sort,
Keep me awake, come find me somewhere in my sleep,
what is it that keeps you feeding me suspense.

Struck down,
I am ignited,
Words fumble softly,
Strong and resounding,
Where we’re tangled and met,
Unlaced and exposed,
There’s nowhere to hide,
And I’m fine,
For once I’m right,
A darker shade of gray,
I’m honestly lost,
Shake these thoughts,
Purify my mind,
I can’t say aloud,
What you wish you knew,
Ideas I can’t scratch away.
My mind, can’t make itself,
Stop thinking,
Time is ticking,
One breath closer,
To sinking,
Will I break before morning?

It was forever ago
We met and our story set
You played guitar with such deliberate delicacy
And reckless ability
I set my sights on you,
3 years didn’t matter,
our nights in the summer,
you watching me waste away in your arms,
forgetting what distance would come between us,
surprised the memories have come out so vividly,
a painless departure only seemed possible,
after I pushed you so far from me,
left you devastated,
so young I couldn’t devote myself to anyone,
but holding on so tight,
you were my spine, keeping me together,
every thing you told me was the truth,
and every thought you occupied,

broken hearts mended and torn,
so many tortured times you told me I was right,
but I never really meant it, hoped it wouldn’t last,
I kept close, to keep the warmth in your heart growing,
but you drifted and I wandered,

now we’re trying hard to live our separate lives
you’re doing so well without me
but it’s not working, I’m finding holes everywhere,
in this shitty plan,
why didn’t you tell me about her,
I’m so angry you shut me out,
where is our ending?
Please tell me there’s a twist around the corner,
A letter reopened,
I know I need you now.

Here I have imagined us
Under these constellations,
No complications, just this winter's white,
Have I executed a place in my mind,
I never knew before,
I'm standing on this high hill of hope,
watching what I'm wishing for,
fighting for foolish things,
I don't want to be alone.

Not that I ever complied,
Lied to myself,
Fulfilling my need,
With all these hateful things,
All the faces,
I never wanted to be,
Bled my plea,
To you on my knees,
Now that it’s switched on,
Does it compel you to?
Sell it soft suspense,
Have I sold you too?
Let it wind you up inside,
Scream in sweet release,
A tortured tongue trips on the truth,
Sway me into oblivion.

I’m not waiting up for you no more,
I’ve washed my hands of your drama,
Always getting in our way,
I’ve put forth everything I’ve got,
Still it’s never enough, you’re draining me,
Drawing all the life out of me,
I’ve got no more energy to spare,
Wasting it listening to your lame ass excuses,
I tried what I could to salvage what I felt,
But love doesn’t want to stick around anymore,
Intensity dove underground,
You have been found impeccably further than thoughts care to wander,
You’re growing fonder, but I’m sailing away.
On soft seas, burning remnants of you to dust,
You send sweet words to capture,
You aim is useless and it hits me,
But I don’t sense a difference,
Actions speak louder,
You’re throwing me off with your inability,
To bring yourself to me.

You don’t have it in you,
The right words to keep me,
Or the actions to make me want to stay,
I knew it all along,
You maintained that I was wrong,
Now you don’t disagree,
Just pretend I never said anything.
I take offense to your irresolution.
You’re not spontaneous like me.
A repetitive cycle, winding up the same.
what's the purpose?
My spite for you, my misconstrued mystifier.
Why don’t you ever change?
Since you know the story well.
I can’t be pacified.
False hope with no avail.
You just keep putting me off,
So get drunk and say sweet things,
you’re not getting anywhere.
I remember every scratch you etched into me.

Won’t you leave me lying here?
In this hole where I buried myself.
I’m treading water,
You’re pulling me underneath the surface,
I didn’t ask for your return,
Exchange you for new,
Suffering through inescapable you,
Say you will, but you never will,
Avoid your faults, they only anchor you further,
Losing interest, losing patience,
What haven’t I done for you?we’re still getting nowhere.
dress me up like your girl,
where it’s quiet, when no one’s around,
It’s too soon to make your move,
distance is your biggest foe.
Scrape me off my feet,
I’m not obliged,
If you can’t take the time.

Siren sings loud,
I’m up in the crowd,
First to fail you,
A wildfire in the rush,
Soft cement, I’m motionless,
Applauding the cause of my fidelity,
The pages and pages upon which I poured,
I penned for you,
A fair fight, measured in mended hearts,
Who’s will be last broken?
Merit my efforts,
Summer still carries on,
No matter what you hide,
It hasn’t dried up and died,
Best to pretend, best to outrun everything,
Suspended in sound,
Forget everything up until now,
It's inevitable, we're not where we belong,
smoke filled room,
it echoes in emptiness without you.

What’s the word to describe this,
Degree of loss of sanity,
I held you once for sweet eternity,
Or so it seemed,
But I wound up to push you down,
I flew back when I caught my breath,
But irony beat me to you,
Flawed a fantastic light,
It’s only rational,
that eventually you will find me,
early 80s baby, did we make history?
I made a mark, stuck hard,
but you peeled me off, to move on,
it’s getting late, can you take me home?
Screw all your common sense,
It never won you anything but intellect,
Still your face never fades to grey,
When my eyes say they want to stay.

We wind up here again.
At last you’re coming back,
With one binding breath,
You’re laying on the charm,
For some reason you can’t seem to get enough,
What compels you to continue when I drive you away?
And I’m so uninvolved, distracted, but curious.
How far will we push this time?
No one ever saw what I did,
There’s not much appealing anymore,
And once I’m fed-up with you,
Hello, hi and a smile, here you are,
Waking up where you want to be,
And I’ve given up going easy on you,
you must sense the prospects growing,
your efforts subjugated,
my mind inflated with richer possibilities.
I know now, what I’m capable of attaining.

~*~

~*~

~*~

It was this guy's (my roomie's boytoy's) suprise bday party at our place on Sat. Here are some of the highlights!

This is one of my fav photos.

Now I’m so accustomed to your way,
If you’ve got someone to fill the place,
Why should I matter anymore?
Well I hope she’ll never leave you,
All this “our friendship is important”
Blown out the window, bullshit,
You’ve had all this time to catch up,
But you never tried,
Why pretend when you see me?
Can’t you help yourself?maybe the miles between are a good thing,
I’m tired of losing sleep,
Mourning over our broken ties,
Kuz it was never me that mattered,
It was having someone to fall back on
When your head was a heavy cloud,
I’m glad I served you well,
And if you need me, I might think about sticking around,
It’s hard to accept that someone else is walking in my shoes,
Filling the richest thoughts in your mind,
And the heart I used to own.

Desperate to seek the truth,
Imagining you showing up at my door,
Take me in your arms,
Tell me you’ve loved only me,
Always me,
She was just a summer fling,
While you were waiting for my return,
If you knew I was a sure thing,
Would you run back to me?
I’m so mad at myself,
For hesitating an eternity,
What could I say to convince you,
That it should be us, not you and her,
Do I still reign in your heart?
Do you shut her out kuz I taught you to?
I can’t stop my brain from ticking,
Funny how when I ask what’s new,
You don’t mention her existence,
Do you think I’d already know?
how would i?
how long has it been?
No wonder you’ve been so preoccupied,
I guess my sneaking suspicion was right.
I hate knowing, I hate thinking of the two of you,
And what we could have had.
Maybe you’ll miss me too much to stay apart.
You were my everything for many years,
My safety net, incase I tripped over my life,
Now I’m headed backwards at 100 miles per hour,
And you wouldn’t know it.
Call me a home wrecker, I’ve come to claim what’s mine.

I always figured I’d end up with you,
I had no idea our ending would come so soon,
She can’t replace the years we spent,
The impact it takes to fall in love,
It’s hard to imagine you with anyone,
Has she taken over the way you felt for me?
The light in your eye when I enter the room,
It hasn’t changed,
Would you believe me if I told you?
Would you even care?
what if I don’t let you get away?
I’m trying hard to keep it locked inside,
But I’m trembling and weighted down,
I don’t want to move,
Just stare at nothing,
Waiting for the ache to wash over me,
I can’t believe my misfortune,
How could I not foresee the irony?
I’m listening to the same songs you held me to,
One summer too short,
I was so happy when I came to my conclusion,
To put an end to our miserable separation,
Now I’m just lost in sorrowful confusion,
Singing myself to tears,
I have a list of songs I’d dedicate to you,
If you would hear me out,
Maybe hearing my voice would make you remember why I meant so much,
Do you notice my heavy footsteps in your dreams,
Making a scene, so you think of me,
Whispering my name to your mind,
"Get up and leave,
You don’t have to wait any longer,
So come on and capture me,"
i’m in so deep there’s no hope for sleep,
you better rescue me,
i'm counting on you.

my body's tired,
still I can't sleep,
All in my head I see her face,
Smitten with what she’s got,
She’d never realize how it was mine,
Why do I keep losing you?
I know where I’ve gone wrong,
We overcame, so why am I sitting here now?
You didn’t want me, you said it once,
As you held my hands across the table,
How could I resist,
How have I held strong this long?
Now it’s all tumbling to pieces,
Now this confession seems meaningless,
If you’ve got something good,
why so surprised to see me?
Wouldn’t you have thought I’d miss you?
I’ve reminded you a thousand times,
I let it slip,
I feel so hollow and swollen,
I’m the one to blame,
But what could I do?
you would have stayed if you wanted to.

Haven’t felt like this in a long time,
Hadn’t heard of the destroyer,
I’m lying on the ground,
I can’t reach my feet,
Every part of me is broken,
I’ve been deserted,
Deadly desolation,
But you’ve got other things to worry about,
The confusion rips me apart,
This artificial happiness,
I’ve been faking,
No one can save me from my sins,
I’ve worked for redemption,
But never hard enough,
Worn through, my love for you is worthless,
How could it have been so easy?
Malicious truth to kill,
All the hope I buried alive,
The first to flee,
the first to fall,
the last to lose this love for you,
so unwilling to replace,
what took me years to find,
haunting exhilaration,
thrilled to finally find,
a century too late.

Wow, talk about bad timing.. ........

Somehow I already knew,
But I refused to believe it,
But I can’t deny your obligations,
Kuz you can’t love me like you used to,
Now that I need you,
You’ve got somebody new,
All the thoughts of us dried and decayed,
Could she be a substitute, holding my place?
I can’t erase the signs of excitement shown on your face,
When we met again in a new light,
cut deep, it caught me by the throat,
I knew by the time I felt sure, you’d be gone,
And I bet she’d never do you like I did,
I’m paying for my mistakes,
the hurt wanting you, but I can never have you,
Can I recover?
Keep it hidden,
So you will never know,
Why must fate choose for me to be alone?
Could you not leave her since I’ve always been the one?
And all those beautiful revelations were lies,
Building me up, to break me,
I can’t say these words,
There’s no “our ever after,”
I swear I mean forever this time,
I know you’ve been here before,
And I will die by your feet,

I’m burning all my thoughts of you,
What I thought you were,
With so many girls,
I’m surprised you don’t get confused,
Now all my questions are answered,
All the mystery has faded,
And left shameful you,
Where’s the guilt, where’s the regret?
You think you’re fulfilling every girl’s fantasy,
Well you never really meant that much to me.

You realize the things you need too late,
And I walked away from the best,
Couldn’t stand being so blissful,
Now my regrets have grown too big,
I can’t see past your face,
You’ve become more gorgeous than I could have imagined,
Your love was unconditional,
I ruined the trust you invested in me,
I’m not asking for a second chance, I’m begging,
I won’t lose you this round,
If only there was a way to show you how deep my repentance runs,
If I had a second chance I would never do those things to you,
You mean too much to me to just forget,
How many more years will you make me wait?

I guess i've been writing too many I can't finish lately! Sorry they're so short!

I was addicted to your desperate kisses,
I left you stranded on an island of thought,
I’m not for everyone,
I don’t agree with your guilty lies,
An empty defense,
I don’t hear what you’re saying, all I hear is their names,
I found a way to let you go, painlessly, effortlessly,
I know I’ll never need someone like you to weigh me down,
Push me around,You thought you could.

Come to me now,
Break this lull,
Chase my boredom away,
I came this far to find,
What you’d foreseen I’d be missing,
But I’ve got all this time,
Send me an end to these empty days,
Don’t be so hard on me,
If after 5 long years,
How can you say,
You don’t still love me the same way,
to you I’m a long lost dream,
You won’t have anymore,
Did I turn you off the last time I spoke my mind,
I panicked when I felt the space you were introducing,
Is there still a shred of me somewhere in your memory?
I won’t take you for granted.

He takes her by the hand,
She says softly I’ve done it again,
And he forgives and he relives,
Every time his heart breaks,
Still he’s trying to keep her smiling,
While she’s tripping over her mistakes,
he’s embracing thoughts of her waking up next to him,
when she comes around, she repents aloud,
slowly he deconstructs.

Somebody told me to stop
I’m a dreamer, nothing is real in my head,
I saw the end, saw it fade out and die,
I’ve got nothing to hide,
But you swear I’m wrong,
I found the trigger, a reason to leave you,
Now emptiness awaits,
It’s bright where I am,
Steady on my feet where I stand,
I’m going to chase down the sunset,
Blot out your face from my memory,
You’re almost a blank page now,
I’m grateful, I’ve been to proud to admit,
Maybe you had me by the hair,
But I wanted it,
You shared with everyone what I thought was ours,
Somehow I knew you weren’t that simple,
I had you captured, but you had me caught in a game,
I never felt the way I portrayed.

We have good days,
We have bad days,
Sometimes I wish I never knew you,
Wouldn’t have to wonder why you never call,
Why you never extend an invitation my way,
You’re untraditional,
And selfish, it’s on your circumstances,
I’m always lending myself out to you,
Giving you everything I wish you’d return,
With no prevail, I’m still lost here,
Where’s the trust, where’s the truth,
It doesn’t mean anything,
You shut all signs of visible emotions out,
I take the wear of your weight crushing me,
Your pretentious persona,
And my inability to turn away.

In this haven that I’ve built,
Grown to hate,
This nothing my life’s accumulated to,
I feel like there’s so much more,
I just can’t reach it,
But I’m on the edge of discovery,
The people along the ride,
Have failed to surprise me,
I can’t understand, why they act the way they are,
There’s so many people I should be,
But I don’t have the voice, the looks, the talent,
Nothing comes to those who sit and wait,
But what else can I do?

I’m happy where we are,
Not anything, no reason to commit,
Cause you make me laugh, I feel complete when I’m with you,
if I lost you tomorrow, I’d be fine knowing what there is to life,
I won’t cry if we go our own separate ways,
No jealousy, no strings to pull apart,
just you and me holding each other together,
you’re keeping me alive until the next,
we’re not missing out, kuz I got you,
I couldn’t have found anyone better to occupy my time,
Who we are when we’re in our company,
I’ve never had so much fun just talking.

Sitting here alone,
Not by the phone,
Kuz I know you won’t call,
No I know you,
You think you know me,
You think I don’t mind,
But lately i’ve had too much time,
You were growing so close,
To what I thought might be,
No it could never be,
It’s not even lust,
It’s just us,
We’re messed up and confused,
We’re ignorant and misused,
No it’s not right,
But it feels right,
Some nights,
Seems I’m battling with myself,
Who else fights for your attention?
I’m not your only,
Life gets lonely,
I want you here to hold me,
But I don’t think you can handle that much,
I’m giving up my grip,
I’m ready to let you slip,
I don’t feel like I did in the beginning,
Waiting, never winning,
barely living,
the end is ahead,
can’t believe the lines you’ve fed,
no longer misled.

Just as I was becoming okay with the situation...
What I gave,
You took away,
You don’t ask and you don’t say,
just leave without saying goodbye,
should I have the right to know?
what you’ve taken was mine,
it’s a vital part of me still,
you’ve seen my insides bleed,
and you’ve watched the pain pour from my eyes,
seen how this can tear me apart,
but you’ve gone and dug at this empty hole,
just when the normality started to settle,
you break the ease in my loss,
stolen closure,
images littered to remind me,
what I’ll never find again.

This pretend game,
With you and me,
Acting like we’re something,
But you could never put forth what it takes to be committed,
Even though I wish you would,
Say it say it, you want only me,
Romantic ideals appear but vanish quickly,
When reality hits,
It happens solely in movies,
Why can’t my life turn out that way?
One day I hope you’re ready,
If not for me, she better deserve it,
You might come around after it’s too late,
After I’ve long given up on you,
It’s the way karma runs,
I might play a fool for you now,
But this dreaded love can’t last,
It’s probably just made up in my head,
If you don’t love me yet, there’s not much that could change,
I am what’s set before you,
How unexciting unfolded,
Could you walk awhile in my dreams,
Tell me things you can’t say aloud.

Days gone by
And you’ve dissipated
I’m starting to think you might be dead,
No sign of life from where I left you last,
Is the tumor in your head erupting,
Finally karma catching up,
Twist with a nail in your side,
One situation you can’t hide from,
All your secrets spill,
I know what you’ve been keeping,
Try to cover your tracks,
But in the end they always find out,
Have you been honest all this time,
Are you worth the worry?
Persuade me,
Show me you’re worth this wondering,
And live up to your mystery?

i’ve seen a new perspective,
and I don’t need you like I thought I might,
I take all I can get from you,
But it’s never enough,
You’re never willing to give more,
So why should I wait and hope
someday you’ll be mine,
you’ll always be the same,
I can’t rely on you,
you have a way of disappearing,
it’s the idea of you I love,
but not who you are and how you make me feel,
I don’t think I care as much as I should,
You’ll never be able to commit to anything,
If you were mad about me I’d know it,
But I don’t think you give a damn,
How many girls like me are you stringing along?

I’ll let you sleep on it,
Think about my kiss when it’s not available,
You can't hold me when I’m not around,
So count your lonely days without me,
Before you call me,
This is how it feels to never have me,
Can you live like that?
Is it easy enough?
I don’t want to be at your disposal any time you need,
But you’re never at mine,
I can’t put myself out there,
If you don’t want me like I want you,
These nights where you’re nowhere found,
I keep my composure, I’m fine staying home alone,

i don't know why i,
can look you in the eye and tell myself that this is okay,
when you don't try and you don't care,
so why should i?
do i even still?
am i just wasting time?
have you realized?
are your intentions just fantasized,
shouldn't you be scared since you lost me before.
it doesn't matter now.
you're out for deviation,
i'm searching for an easy separation,
letting you fall behind.
i'm making connections to rise above.

I think about you so much,
Wonder what if I did that, what if I said that,
Would things have ended up differently,
Would I still have a place with you?
You look so good to me now,
I can’t have you,
How many second chances did I blow?
How can I get back to the days,
Where you and I existed,
I miss the happy person I was with you.

You’re so contradicting
As soon as I think you’re coming around,
You’re a sharp curve away from a loaded gun,
I can’t give you up in case you turn into what I’ve foreseen,
But if it never happens, I’ve been wasting time I can’t get back,
Losing someone who would have been best for me,
Do I take the chance? I don’t want to leave empty handed,
I’m ready to give so much, is it worth it to lose it all to you,
exchanged for nothing.

i've been trying to sleep,
but these visions of you keep getting in my head,
getting in the way.
i'm doing all i can to keep it inside,
thought i was through with everything you.
Discarded the past, now you're invading the present,
bringing those feelings back i never wanted,
i know better than to say it out loud.
everyone disagrees, everyone sees through your facade.
---
isn't this the same way we end up?
i'm waiting by the phone with no hope you'll pull through,
gloomy reality.
simple things mean the most,
how little effort it takes to do what you say,
i'm fed up, it's growing tired, this repetition,
how could i have expected that you've changed.

every time i seem to get too far from you,
you're there, ready to be my everything,
still you struggle with something i can't see,
you don't know the right way to treat me,
i know in some way you care, kuz you hold on,
i get so frustrated kuz i can't figure you out, you can be so cold sometimes,
i just don't know what to do about you,
should i leave, should i keep you with me?
which way is it meant to be?
wish i knew what it would take for you to be what i need for me.

It gets to the point where I’m almost touching it,
Almost reached my dreams,
But there’s always a dead end standing in my way,
No way to jump the distance,
Just watch it sit so far from me,
If you push me, I’ll just fall over,
If you tell me, i’ll shut you out,
Believe me I feel it like it’s really happening,
This time and next time it ends the same,
No need to speak, I need to be left alone,
to untie these complications,
don’t do me any favors,
your presence is no charity,
I decided,
It doesn’t matter,
The amount you may have meant,
And the way things weigh themselves out to be,
Not important in the slightest,
I’ve found purpose,
Only death breathes inside your shameless soul.

How low I feel.
to see you, hands entwined with another,
after my heart accepts your apology,
how do I feel inside?
my walls tearing down,
no more pain, I swore,
you've broken your last chance,
all I can read is revenge,
behind my eyes burst,
all I want is to know you're gone,
please don't return to me,
it's stupid to have these feelings for you still,
when all you've done is do me wrong,
I don't want to be be weakened by you,
you were never worth the fuss,
you're not worth any tears i'd spent getting over you.

Nice girls always finish last,
no word of lie,
i'm tired of standing in the shadows,
being picked last, left alone,
bad luck will follow me wherever I go - near or far.
i'm the only one who's shrouded in silence, bitterness.
not desired, powerless, repelling,
that's just me in this permanent rut,
I can't rise above it,
watching those around me admired.
I thought i'd overcome this dry spell,
but i'm convinced i'm hopeless,
knowing what I want will never be an option,
how can anything change my mind?
I'm so deep down in here,
up to my knees in despair.
I wear my shell inside out.

What’s holding you back,
If you seemed so sure before,
Now you’re second guessing
how much hold you have on me.
If I’ve burned you once before,
This may be your last chance,
The truth is you’re just filling time,
Wrapped in fraudulent feeling,
Should you be so self righteous?

I dreamed of you,
After so long,
I fell in love with you again,
But knew it could never be,
I was intercepted by your proposal on my way to flee the country.
What an unexpected concept to envision,
How did you know to find me there?
only in dreams, these things come true,
Makes me so unsure of everything I’ve felt about you,
How haphazardly my feelings flew.
But words of commitment exist only in my unconscious.
Everything you felt, I overlooked.
Always puzzled,
I didn’t know what to do with so much emotion.
Sometimes I wonder if you might come around.
To be the one for ever after.
I should know better.
With all I’ve put you through,
I’m surprised you’d still care to know me.
Although distance and a busy life keep you,
I wish I could take mistakes back and be there for you.

How is it spelled,
How does it sound?
How does it feel to touch with your hands?
If you sing to me, I might fall in love,
Oh the sensations from your creations,
Creeping into me.

Found myself fond of your sparkling eyes,
Always shining, revealing your delight,
How excited you grew so quickly,
Never knew you had it in you,
There’s always darkness behind the light,
I’d say something to set you off,
You’d go for hours, relentless,
When you grew quiet,
I’d wait for your rage to rise again,
How do you leave, when it’s all you’ve lived.

for my Lex.
do you remember me?
how long will i stay with you?
there's a gaping hole that i've imparted,
why haven't you come back to me?
are your memories of late so great, ours have been replaced?
do you miss me?
will we grow further apart?
what we had makes me so sad kuz i'll never find another you.
i will never feel at ease even though i know you're happy.
you didn't look back when you left for the last time.
i tried to be strong, going on, but i've never felt so wrong.
every night i reunite with the past, i want to go back.
there was no bright sunlight like you illuminated my life,
now i am truly alone.
i don't care about anything that remains.

why is it so hard to find?
i'm taking on all your problems.
bound to pity, i feel guilty.
i try too hard to take the weight.
no one deserves to be unfortunate.
why does it happen?
what can i do?
i can't save anyone.

where it stands.
i'm not worried about you.
not caught up in your business anymore,
curious how you think i feel,
if you still sit high on a cloud of conceit,
it's hard to come down once you get there,
maybe your brain will burst,
did i find you too absorbed, all wrapped up in yourself?
yeah it's sickening,
how could i put up with you.
mistook the attention for your affection,
you only fancy yourself.
put me down if i start to sound better than you.
it can't be true!
hard to face the truth isn't it?

haha new shit here it is.
with each passing opportunity,
it always gets easier,
finally someone sees me for what i am,
no expectations,
1 day passed slowly,
even though it's not for me,
it's still nice know,
it's good to hear these things,
such little details make the biggest differences,
seek me out, if you can find me i might change my mind,
although i know nothing about you,
how can you make such a rash judgement?
my mind's in 10 million places,
here i go overthinking again,
i don't want the same old situation,
i could do without.

Father figures? I think not.
Let me start my beef with my stepdad, who acts like he's 5 years old. Grow some balls, seriously, and say what you mean. Don't be an ass behind my back and pretend to my face like the world is shitting lollipops and roses. The world doesn't work that way. Fuck him for not letting me bring my dog home anymore. I've got news for him, this is my god damn house too. The worst part about it is, the act he puts on as if he absolutely adores my dog, but after i leave he "suggests" my mother clean up the house and then complains about the scratches on the floor. You were just a little TOO fast to jump on the internet and post an ad for a free rotti, without telling me too. What a fantastic way to win my trust and admiration. Just a quick question, but if i didn't like your daughter and i told you to get rid of her do you think that would work? Nahh i didn't think so... To my mother who has no backbone, i have nothing nice to say to you either.
Then there's my real Father, or lack thereof considering he disappears for months at a time. No time to spend with me on my birthday - or even during the following 2 weeks, then no call for months. Thanks, I feel loved. Sure a present is really nice.. but i'd rather know you exist than receive gifts.

life isn't fair.... they say everything happens for a reason.. yeah i think that's bullshit now.

Tedious to please.
you were,
I thought I knew you,
you used to try a little,
you knew exactly what you were doing,
to me,
kidnapped my common sense,
built up my contempt towards you,
one mistake and you're giving up,
A coward, can't let emotions show,
like you're so hard nothing touches you,
you were so much better than any other,
but once it changes,
you lose all you held over them,
how do you look now to the outside?
I know you won't come through,
too selfish and proud,
I wouldn't want you now anyway,
I see how doomed we were,
from the beginning,
you're never wrong,
and I,
too stubborn to believe it,
A licensed liar,
persuasive and deceiving,
I knew you couldn't be everything you made yourself seem.

Leaving the country, leaving you behind,
i hope that in your head,
your brain keeps ticking,
like every minute without me is a nightmare,
you can't breathe, you feel the weight digging in,
your lungs are collapsing,
i look better than you remember,
than you've imagined in your mind,
falling, folding, kneeling, holding.....

This is kinda new, but I’m going to recommend some of my fav songs here. I hope you all enjoy them as much as I do. P.S – NO laughing!

Time Spent Driving – Rain on Sundays/If the Fault Fits/Sleep and Matchbooks/Flicker
Tori Amos – Siren/Northern Lad/IIEEE/Hey Jupiter
Incubus – Echo/I Miss You
Matchbox 20 – Bright Lights,
Alkaline Trio – Blue in the Face/If We Never Go Outside
Beyonce – Me, Myself & I
Bic Runga – Sway
Bright Eyes – I Watched You Taking Off
Burning Airlines – Pacific 231
Coldplay – The Scientist
Emm Gryner – Boy Races/Serenade
Fiona Apple – Never is A Promise
Garbage – Milk/Push it
Holly McNarland – Elmo/Porno Mouth/Dallas
Janet Jackson – If
Jawbreaker – Jet Black
Jets to Brazil – Sea Anemone/Sweet Avenue
Joe Budden Feat. Busta Rhymes – Fire
Julie Doiron – So Fast/The Best Thing for Me
Last Days of April – The Days I Recall Being Wonderful/I’m Calm Now/All Will Break/Slow Down
Limblifter – Ariel Vs Lotus/Tinfoil
Mad Caddies – Any song!
Madonna – Love Profusion/Material Girl/Express Yourself/Like A Prayer
Mars Volta – Concertina
Mary J Blige Feat. Eve – Not Today
Matt Good – ahh pretty much anything!
Michelle Branch – Breathe/Tuesday Morning/Are You Happy Now
Missy Elliot – Dog in Heat
Mya - Fallen (remix)
No Doubt – It’s My Life/Don’t Let Me Down
Open Hand – Time To Talk/11th Street
Sarah McLachlan – Fallen
Saves the Day – (everything off Stay Where You Are)/Hold/Tomorrow Too Late/Driving in the Dark/Wednesday the Third
Sheryl Crow – The First Cut is the Deepest/I Shall Believe
Silverchair – ANY
Sleater Kinney – Anything off “One Beat”
Rise Against – Like the Angel
Strung Out – Cemetery
Swingin Utters – Next In Line/As You Start Leaving
Taking Back Sunday – You’re So Last Summer
Tamia Feat Talib Kweli – Officially Missing You (remix)
Thursday – ANY
The Get Up Kids – Close to Me/Mass Pike
The New Amsterdams – Hanging On For Hope/Worse For the Wear

Leave me here with my remarks,
It’s a fool’s playground,
This world,
You all look the same,
Sound the same, move the same way,
Play the same games,
Brush me away, save your distaste for the next day,
None of this makes any sense,
Your defensiveness,
A little problem you can’t fix,
A little pain and you get your kicks,
How funny is it really?
Abandoning what you can’t control,
What happened to fighting for what you want?
You just sit back and watch it blow past,
Emotions unfamiliar, you’re suppressing,
Do you really think it doesn’t show?
What keeps you keep up this charade?
I’ll stay indoors and wait for you to burn in the sun,
Maybe someday you’ll discover,
Why it is you suffer so discreetly,
Not an enviable place to be,
How does it feel to deprive yourself?
I couldn’t understand anyone,
With your mentality,
Dysfunctional, fucked up,
How does it feel to be looked at like that?

I was looking for someone to waste away with,
Oh but you wouldn’t do, you wouldn’t have it,
Fooled me for awhile, but hiding’s never easy,
It all comes out after time,
Like a curse you turned out to be,
just my luck, it never changes,
So here’s the end, hope we never meet again,
No I’m not pretending, I’m really fine,
An apology would be nice,
But I would never expect so much of you,
All I really wanted was to find someone,
I could fade into, blend like the sand,
There was a home for you here,
but now there’s no room, I’m full of substitution,
someone show me the world in all it’s blazing glory,
all I need’s a smile, it can last me for awhile,
I choked on the smoke when you burnt out,
I’m not on your side,
It’s a choice you made,
I don’t have to live with the regret,
How much relief did you find?
Did you get gratification from seeing me break?

I guess truth comes to the surface eventually,
I saw the other side,
No one’s ever made me feel as worthless,
To laugh when I cry,
I’d give you a piece of my mind,
But I’m bigger than that,
You don’t deserve the breath between the words,
With no apologies,
You watched me walk out the door,
Tears and heartache on my sleeve,
How funny it seemed to you,
A confused expression,
Bewilderment in your eyes,
The answer comes in clearly,
Yeah you didn’t care,
How cold can you be?
Emotionless when I,
Thought that you weren’t hollow inside,
But you hide it well in the way you move towards me,
I tried, I gave you my best,
But the best is never enough,
Just as I accept that I,
Have let you in,
I hope you’re happy with yourself.

I poured it down my throat,
Your voice brightened every part of me,
Your laugh heightened the rise in me,
I can talk about it now,
You brought inspiration,
When I felt lost, when I felt low,
If I let you go now I might save myself,
But if I give up now I might never know,
What it would have been, what I’ve dreamt I’ve seen,
And what I’ve felt so strong, can’t be wrong,
You can’t be an illusion, leading me astray,
Something so good can’t be true,
I’m so lucky I’ve found you,
Slowly you show me,
What I’ve been hanging on to see,
You’re the focus of my thoughts,
The repetition I can’t break,
A chance I have to take,
Truth is I tried so hard to stay away,
I fought with everything I had, against my will,
But something kept me close and closer still.

Yeah I know the last few have been EXTREME cheese.. hahha i'm sawry!
He made me believe
I was capable of anything,
I met him in the bright sunlight,
When circumstances were wrong,
It all felt right,
So I continued despite,
All the lies I said to save you,
Little did she know,
Feelings would grow,
When it became too hard to hide,
I would still fiercely deny,
You make me patient,
You give me this certain energy
That makes me crazy,
Talking all night,
Arguing over who’d kick ass in a fight,
I am soaked with sentiment,
Immersed in his world,
And the bliss I can’t resist that I found in his kiss,
The less he said, the more I shed my inhibitions,
The best time of my life,
Were the days we spent laying around, laughing.

This one isn't finished yet, but i've been trying to write it forever... so here she is..
No one could have prepared me for what I’d find,
This dark storm emerging in your eyes,
I’ll never know if you really mean it.
Now that I’ve realized,
Seems trouble comes to break the moment,
I’ve tried to find it somewhere else,
Knowing once I let you in,
You will violate the great we had,
And I’d be no one again,
But you’re the sole possessor.
I’m afraid of you,
What you’re capable of,
How you could split me in two,
And I would breathlessly oblige.
How can I guarantee anything?
How can I weigh the probability?
That we’ll make it.

It’s easy to hide,
Baby I run away,
From everything,
And since I’ve found you I’ve grown stronger,
I have no excuses,
To want to leave,
i’m crawling closer,
inching my way to you,
from behind,
so you won’t know what’s coming,
before you know it’ll be too late,
soon you’ll see what you’ve been missing,
while you’ve been miles away,
I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you,
I’m scared you might not say the same,
Things have changed,
For the better it seems,
I’m not asking for anything,
I just want you,
And the days that passed,
Your proximity and our chemistry,
the way you didn’t have to say anything,
it’s inexplicable how you made me,
are you feeding me lines?
Tempting me, daring me to fold?
I have found the greatest mystery,
I will see it through,
I have to, I can’t part with you,

i can't see outside,
the sky is burning,
i'm finding easy ways to hide,
from the madness i live in,
all the feelings i have forced myself to find,
if you like it, you won't be the only one,
i've found all this time,
i can't decide how it should be spent,
it's not best for me, but it works for you,
i grin and go along,
i came here to find a piece of mine,
something i can belong to,
your stories are always shorter,
damn your logic, and sensible ideas,
my unconventional selection,
you're staying much longer than i'm accustomed to,
where is this leading, what does this mean?
does it even mean anything?
for a straying heart to grow strong,
it's funny to want what i denied endlessly,
what i never saw has blinded me incredulously.

The first version is always better,
your rough edges make you beautiful,
i cross the dividing line,
between peace and insanity,
trying to read your mind,
a death defied, my questions why,
your heart wrenching reply,
the fear you instill in me,
the possibility that i might actually lose you,
i don't feel the separation,
until i hear your name,
i'll shut you out as long as we're away,
i heard your voice on my pillow,
a whispering i could not ignore,
do i have your reasoning right?
i'd take the train to see you sleep,
listen to you breathe quietly and so slowly,
i might die if this is it,
i haven't found another with a touch like yours.

I miss you most when I’m home,
Every moment I find myself alone,
When I’m seething inside,
When I have no place to run and hide,
I force thoughts of you away,
The feelings that arise, I won’t let stay,
Won’t let myself fall weak to you,
Like I seem to,
How you get by fine without me,
But I can’t do the same,
Appetite never quite fulfilled,
Leaving me constantly craving more,
Panicked as you dance around settling down,
Will you ever be ready?
Is this as close as I’ll ever come?
Everything that’s important,
Anything that matters I’ve found in you.

I don’t find it hard to think about you,
And I’ve been lost since I met you,
It’s funny how I don’t need you,
But all the while you’re something I crave,
Feel like no one else would want me,
I’m dragging myself along the ground,
Yet when we separate, it’s like I never lived a moment in your life,
Something once significant, easily forgotten,
You’ve got me convinced I can’t get any better,
I don’t deserve more than what finds me,
You’re untouchable when you wish to be,
And I have no control, you run the show,
It’s your word over mine.
I don’t know if it’s just me seeing things this way.
I don’t want to be where I’m standing,
But I’ll never make it past misfortune,

You’re suddenly pushing us into the light,
Not keeping me in the dark,
Has it been worth the wait and strife?
Seems surreal,
When you go away,
You take it all,
I don’t believe it’s real,
You’re always saying you’ll call,
Never to be heard from,
You’re running scared from something,
I’ll never fear you won’t reappear,
I know you’ll find me, surround me soon,
I used to think we were going nowhere,
Now I see a softer light in your eyes,
When you look at me,
You linger just a little longer,
You don’t try to hide it,
I’m not fighting it anymore.
I understand,
you have your own way of showing me,
everything you mean,
I’ll stop trying to make you say it,
I feel what you won’t reveal,

I’m learning to like the slow steps you’re taking,
Just promise me I haven’t been wasting my time.