the future is not a dead end,
what i deemed dead survives,
but to actually persist,
this is where the trouble lays,
inadvertently misled,
maybe you're the one exception,
seize this sailing ship down solitary seas,
toast our union, initiate it's foundation,
i will tend to it's preservation,
and pacify it's appetite.
should I ally with time?
to await your approaching arms,
this day, a dream long ago deceased,
shall i revive or let you breathe it back to life?

sick of this, you sauntering in,
speaking through a swollen ego, masking your insecurities,
thinking you can reach me,
i'm waiting til you're neck deep,
drown in your ill-intentions,
fated to fall, believing you're fortunate enough to be forgiven,
flashing yellowed teeth,
not if you're honing in on me,
you've been circling around me,
like a hungry hawk,
since i've resisted your advances,
feigning interest to knock you over,
injecting madness in my method,
hooked like a baited fish,
following promising words down a blackened tunnel,
just to watch the way my mouth moves.

Here you come bounding back,
Ready to attack just when the air fills my lungs,
I suppressed those bitter feelings for so long,
Now you feel the free in me,
Refuse to let the wild possess again,
Rope my neck and wind me in slowly,
You missed a beat, you’re a moment too late,
I taste the sour your skin has turned,
Life is better living as your lover in past tense
Owing me a fortune in favors,
It will take more than your arms length to feel my heart’s safe with you.

What I say is not what I mean,
Surprise,
I’m just as deceptive as you,
Only with a less devilish smile,

Even if I’m too weak to say no,
When you leave my heart hasn’t broken,
Maybe I’m getting used to this pattern,

Every meeting is brand new,
And just as fleeting,
Silence plays a bigger role,
Once time has dwindled,
It feels like September,

I waited to discover brilliance undressed,
instead found you empty underneath.

Alas we reached this point I’ve anticipated,
And while I prepared myself for the gloomy descent,
There is still a bitter sting,
but I won’t cry,
An outside perception clouds my head, I delude myself,
What a harsh reality I awake to find,
No matter what you feel one moment,
It never transfers onto the next,
I wouldn’t take back what’s progressed,
I wish I could bind my hands to keep them from finding you,
All your limits and boundaries are invisible wires I trip upon,
I just want this to be over,
To feel I’ve had my fix of you,
More than enough and never want it again,
I’ve got this image in my mind that I can’t shake,
A merciless body,
Laying beside me at night,
It’s no comfort to me now,
Only a reminder that I can’t quit,
I’ll write your life the way I watched you live it,
Repressed, masking sensitivities with conceit,
It made me sick in need,
What’s wrong with me to fall for such lamented charm.
And yearn for it as soon as the memory of malice fades.

flashes of forbidden moments,
the ones we longed for,
a night that seemed too short,
but worth waiting for,
wished for again,
I know who you are now,
With a twisted vision of you in your head,
You can’t see the good,
The lines my fingers love to trace,
Loathing yourself doesn’t leave room for anyone else,
what we both don’t want, you won’t let me forget,
when I try to break the boundary,
is this a service? a way to spare me?

You can retreat all you want,
Shield yourself from me,
I could be armed and loaded,
Taking aim.
What do you fear the most?
The run of my emotions or asking of your own?
There will be no exchange of reprimandments,
I know better than to unleash these racing feelings,
As uncertain as I am, your ego convinced of my unwavering affections.
Lies that I allow you to believe.

Are you proud to say you’ve guided my transgression?
I can’t feel a thing.
I don’t even ache knowing I’ll never see your face,
Maybe that’s your purpose,
Will this anesthetic last?
I’m using you to destroy myself.

The man with the crooked mouth,
Mesmerized by it’s movement,
And his clear eyes,
Shifting calmly but with artful suspicion,
Sustains mystery, shy away from the probing eye,
Something so unique and incendiary,
Impossible to withdraw from watching,
Often a figure in my dreams,
He imbues me,
Permeated by his emanated longing.

Coiled around your shadow,
I cannot reach inside you,
You refuse to give me a glimpse of what you hide,
Slow and deliberate,
I am circling you,
Imagining you with me,
And the bliss we’d rouse,
It’s a sickening thought,
To become those we deride,
You bonafide acerbity
Sometimes I see your affection,
appear and fade before you notice that I’ve caught on,
a faint light, but still burning behind two windows,
evolving, not fast enough to include me,
being your placate playmate,
leaves this abyss you forget to inject with your empathy,
my importunate pleas aggravate your response to me.
The part that hurts the worst is why you cut me off so suddenly,
I swear I want you as you are.

Every minute you are remembered,
I see your name and know you’re breathing,
My eyes are fighting tears,
My heart races faster,
You’ve become this chimera,
A constant thought impossible to abandon,
I wrote my love for you,
I’m still waiting,
Even just the acknowledgement of words swallowed,
Will lay my mind to rest,
Somehow I’ve been running without blood in my veins,
You took it all away,
I hate the numbness I’ve befriended
after years of missing you,
you were my extension, the part that encapsulated vivacity,
I simply decay at the slightest association,
I can’t keep myself intact.
I wish it were your arms collecting the fragments that once reified me.

You had me when I ran with fire in my eyes,
The wind could never slow me,
Too wild to be tamed,
Too ignorant to be aware of the world,
There must be better out there,
I never second guessed my choices,
Reality was much harsher than expected,
I never lost anything of value,
Not until I realized what I found in you,
Couldn’t handle complacency,
Never felt I deserved the euphoria I held,
Instead of loving you like I should have,
I turned you away.
Mourning the death of our affinity,
Nothing rests comfortably,
With this part of me absent.

This will pass,
i’m concealing apologies,
that want to find you,
but it’s your sorries I’m not expecting,
you know how hard it’s been,
for me to sit and wonder,
since you’re withholding validation,
what’s the point in hanging hope on a baitless hook,
in an empty sea,
watching my words incase I trespass your safe grounds,
taboo topics I transgress upon,
and you take them like a witness to a murder,
no one plays the arcane contrivance better than you.
I’ve tried but you’ve uncovered every entry.

Don’t make me a damsel,
Slippery imputations slithering between painted lips,
Stop rendering me helpless,
No more deliberate misconceptions,
Just to draw attention to the worst in me,
Your restrictions are exhausting,
I shouldn’t have to defend myself against your fiction,
You’ve never been on my side.

Almost forgot your existence,
Accepted the idea our paths weren’t meant to join,
But your beautiful face resurfaced in a place I didn’t expect,
My mind keeps rehashing the evening,
Searching for indications,
That my hopes might have motive to soar,
The first to strike my interest,
While the others are amenable,
You’re the latest enigma,
I can’t resist unraveling,
Fraying from the inside,
My credence deteriorated as your mouth moved,
Curiosity’s affliction,
What feelings arise when I appear in your mind?
While I’m wishing you oblige,
will resolve terminate the allure?
I'd rather be apprised.

Another heedless mouth,
When will I meet the last time-waster?
Are we so desperate, we’ll lay fueled by intoxication?
I’m always the one caught in crossfire,
Naïve to believe a chance might be worth taking,
Romance is deliberative plea,
To those with broken egos/to the pitiful egotist in need.
They’re all vampires.
It’s a shame how disillusioned I’ve become,
I feel nothing when the anesthetized elucidation arrives,
Is it wrong to wait for the archaic concept of fervor to return?
I’ll quit liaising with the same syndication.

I hit the trigger to turn your toxicity on,
Where in the night did I find it?
The first could be no mistake,
If I found myself in your arms twice
Finally released, I felt at ease enough to be me,
You seemed pleased until the light licked your window.
What wore off in two hours time?
Grant me mercy, toss me a clue,
What instantaneously changed you?
From entertaining my lips to recovering from the blade of your sharp-edged tongue.
You held me tightly,
but I awoke shivering from your imprudence.
Were there words that displeased you?
As soon as I allowed myself to let you in,
you morphed into this monster.
It’s the unwarranted actions that bruise me,
I can’t forget the way it felt to be pressed against you,
There are no breaks,
only loss after loss for nice girls like me.

i'm not one to disguise my feelings,
I could tell in your tone,
it hung heavy in the air,
I left my mind on your lips,
unaware of anything but your touch,
and being ajoined by legs locked together,
last night,
my mind can't stop meandering back,
I couldn't stay for fear of where my hands would lead me,
i'm wishing to prolong the moment and our mingling heat,
in my head i'm crawling underneath your covers and your comforting arm,
every melody becomes our rhythm
and the rise before I crash into you,
i'll keep your kiss with me,
until the urgency strikes us again.

how many are you going to go through,
before you cease licking my plate clean?
when this comes full circle,
you'll be wishing you played your hand differently,
I should pass you my book of numbers,
so you can finish what unwritten law you've broken,
you know how to suffocate a dying song,
show me some remorse,
i'm not the forgiving kind,
I keep all your faithless actions,
locked in my memory,
it's a lucid fact that you're not changing,
latch on to your own dreams,
stop tracing where my steps have been,
to prove you're good enough to have what once was mine,
fill your pockets with my past,
take all you can carry,
you'll never be better than second best.

Coming in waves of twos,
Still I never manage to win,
It’s the wayward ones that find me,
I’m sleeping with a satisfied smile,
But it always fades too soon,

I do this to myself,
Becoming inured to,
This sort of assiduous self-torture,
Every admonition is ignored,
While I’m aware you’re whoring yourself out,
I long to be the solitary,
I feel like a waste,
Filling my head with obstinacy,
And your ascetic prophesy,
I was certain of your quiet covet,
But I am the one you return to,
After all the damage has transpired.
Use me when you’re low,
Just to get back on your feet,
Leave me, until there is no one else.

Beneficial mendacity sustains my resilience,
and my will to adore you still.

Those spiteful words,
They keep jumping around in my head,
I hate what you have instilled in me,
Destroyed my self worth,
Held my head high with knowing,
What I may have meant,
But you broke that vision,
Of all the grand things I could be,
I can’t be sure, you refuse to clarify,
Only set to mystify,
I never get a glimpse to go on,
All those hints you hide in your sarcastic strides,
Why is it so impossible for you to open up,
When you know I’ve never been anything but here for you,
And near for you,
To steer you away from the dark that steals you,
I give every ounce of strength to try and heal you,
But I’m never thanked.
I must dissuade myself from feelings I believed I held for you,
Chock it up to fabrication,
I lay all the blame on you.

My fragmented mind,
A calming obsolesce,
Your presence, once dispersive, I have outgrown
I am renascent without the love of another,
A perfectly timed chasm

Your excuses are so docile and effortless,
All your stories have no ends,
I can’t agree you’ve outsmarted me,
I’ve finally learned not to let you,
I wasn’t dumb, just full of compassion,

It’s hard to detach myself from you,
You’ve been an underlying force in my life,
But this is history now, let’s leave the dust in the pages,
The benevolence, I dropped my own engagements to provide for you,

the adulation I spit to please you,
your unrequited appreciation shamed my benign,
after allowing your hands to reconstruct me,
I felt like a prisoner in the war to amplify you,
Am I the artist to this disaster?

The more I cling to what we have left,
The more eager you are to run,

My body’s ambulant,
But my heart’s held by inertia,
While your eyes were occupied I found a wall to fit between us.

Finally I wrote something!!

Here I lay my armor for you,
Bare my shoulders and brave the cold,
To renege awaiting your embrace,
A subrogation,
I’ll linger years and cling to passing planets,
If gravity defies me.
I’ll attest its purity, if you shed the blinding light of truth.
Precariously prevailed to exalt you where I deemed deserved,
Set to enisle, if you weren’t so enmeshed,
Happy where you can remain, surrounded by stillness,
That which I cannot grant,
Though I am subsisting somehow,
I am fragile in my futility,
This, my final valediction,
I prepare my heart for a hard departure,
From one that I loved so methodically,
I will not feign our fate as auspicious.