Just another,
Wind your words around me,
Stretch your feelings and deceive with your inaction,
Have I become just a pawn?
Falling into a trap, taking a number while I wait in line,
For a dial tone, for disappointment,
Made to believe fate had a hand,
This fictive fairytale,
Is the error out of contrivance?
Finger reflected back at me,
A covetous defect,
Too long derelict,
Veiled neatly,
Staged impermeableness,
Are you buying my performance?
I’d like your attention please.

Play me like a fiddle,
I’ve been a fool,
Trying to mould myself for you,
Arguing with my intentions,
Filling my head with sexy scenarios,
Believing that you want what’s underneath,
Not a fingerprint to convict,
You reach right in,
I omit my precept to feel the thrill,
Initially a repugnant rival,
Now rescinded and penchant requited
Confusing you with a proclivity of distaste.
Inculcate my improper translations,
Bury the vacillation.

Time to update this ancient blog!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Removed myself from memory’s way,
All the sites we sunk into,

I’ve pushed all my emotions to the farthest reaches,
Stronger without knowing of your existence,

But at the mention of your name,
I falter, I fold,

Aware of how little I can do,
To reach you,

Like a spell that I’ve been put under,
Enduring only for you.

I’d like to see you wither and shaking,
Strip it off, strip it down,
Show me your bones,
What lies underneath is what keeps me intrigued,

Cancel your hesitation,
Deepening exhalation,
Surround the night with your sound,

Swept by the sight of your skin rising,
Chided if it pleases,
Rousing receptors once dormant,
This complacent communication,
Implicit reverence,

Foretasted it,
Consecrated in the dark,
Before you knew,
Redolent of my minds desires,
Impetuous succession
In our venery,
Adumbrate in your advance,
Rapturous perpetuity.

Sick, sick, I’ve been lovesick too long,
I just need to be discouraged,
I don’t want to hear it.
Press on please,
Can’t let me to linger,
I won’t leave,
Stability is shaken,
Won’t return to that solid place,
I stopped breathing for a minute,
Quicken the pace,
Alarming light bulb, I keep turning off,
Don’t illuminate the truth,
My ears only hear proof to plead my case,
Guilty of never giving up,
Hope that can’t be stamped out,
A cry implacable,
Waiting for my hearts funeral.
You were the laudanum, the lullaby.

Two completely separate bits...

I feel like a bird that you can’t catch,
But you can’t be caught either,
I’ve had my hands on your wings, but you always shake them free.
Tired of being close, walking away empty handed.
You deceive me with your compliments.
Another face appears in the place I thought I’d be.
Her words are mine verbatim,
Do you disappoint her in the same way?

~*~


You’re a harlot, a harbinger of deceit,
Anxious to prove your love is above mine,
But you just proved you’re easy and cheap,
Your head is polluted, as is your taste,
Narcissistic, eager to right the indignation of attention not centered around you.
Karma is a killer,
You’re lighting the kerosene,

Have I solved the equasion,
how to love without pain?
Is there such a thing?
I’m veering much too close,
Past the point of no return,
No resuscitating,
I want to free fall,
Find you at the bottom,
Softly land in a pool of you,
Years of mind splitting confusion,
Led me here somehow,
The universe has a reason,
I’ll keep following fate,
With an open heart,
It wasn’t easy to be susceptible,
To the inexplicable,
Believing is receiving,
And I asked for you,
Afraid of expiration,
I procure the nerve I need,
To pursue without reticence.

Too haste to pass judgment,
I am enamored by your reverence,
Startled by your evolution since my abhorrence,
Your reference to marriage is so trivial,
But do you mean it?
Sincerity seems certain, as it never had
You softly say you’ll miss me,
As I engage in actions I repudiated,
Winter romance is creeping in,
My heart holds no resistance,
I wish I could love with no restraint,
Without fear of having it taken,
The little trust I have left,
I’m afraid to invest in you,
Promises are easily made,
When there’s no time to be followed through,
I will leave believing you.

I’ll wish you into submission,
I’m fishing for effective bait,
Your hook is a slippery slope
And I can’t seem to climb it,
You’ve got me tangled in tension
With no outlet for release,
Couldn’t you follow through just once,
Risk the fall and lose it all,
Create something warm and beautiful,
What sends you into suppression?
I can’t believe it’s me,
Preventing the unraveling,
Sweet dreams of all the things you hide from me,
The only allowance from your lips,
Left with strictly fantasies,
Of the lacking you lead me to,
You spoke words of ready,
But I’m still counting unfulfilled promises.

I don’t want to be this solo project,
But unfulfilled simple requests will not grant you safe passage to where you want to be,
I can’t accept falsified lines or counterfeit sincerity.

What I need cannot be fabricated.
Something true, unwarranted and wanton,
No hesitation and boundless.

I’m starting to lose hope,
This underlying brevity,
You drain the light with your deflating demeanor,
From the girl who holds the yarn you seek,
You will not get one inch from me,
Please don’t play coy, it never suited you.

I’ve been wandering lost for some time,
You help me feel grounded,
but I have to learn to steady myself.
I felt I couldn’t get on without your unconditional ardor,
I lay in the arms of lies for so long
And found no comfort there.
There isn’t a visible boundary guiding my way.
Where are the words to help keep me strong?
Some intentions driven by sincerity.
Only the liars love me.
Seeking a soft heart.
A profligate in the past,
Now the well has run dry.
I feel the libertine incarnated.
Thirsty and lachrymose.

We live and love and breathe,
Without feeling,
Sometimes the world grows still,
And I can’t wait to hear a scream,
Just an inkling of happening,
I can’t close my eyes until movement’s made,
I’d rather drown than float endlessly,
Please don’t walk out and not look back,
While I keep waiting to hear your body hesitating,
this plateau is suffocating,
send some motion my way,
nothing I haven’t cried about,
how many times do I have to change,
before life becomes okay and I can stay in one place,
I’ve been leaving it all behind each time it finds my safe haven,
I keep my feet on the pavement,

I live alone between these walls,
With barely enough space to breathe,
I can't keep up to meet demands,
It wasn't a part of the plan,
But I can't say no, I don't want to be alone,
Only until the morning burns my sight,
It's the wrong kind of love I'm asking for,
emulating the rush I used to feel,
they want the charade, my drug of praise,
a service I can't refuse,
with arms outstretched,
meandering in and out,
as you please,
lover of the lost ones,
unbound and buttoned-up,
unable to provide when pushed for more.

I think every poem should be paired with some sort of visual.

It’s been a long time since your face found a home in my head,
Reading into old words you had written,
A sweet November, you remembered me,
Letters laced with star-crossed love,
Keeping the idea of you close to the furnace,
Welcoming you back with an inviting light,
Don’t make me wake without you another night,

TIME FOR AN UPDATE!!!

I have neglected the poetry since before my European trip and now that i'm back I have just been focusing all my energy and thoughts on moving to London in the fall. I've been a giant emanating ball of nerves since I realized the painstaking process of becoming an international student. However it all seems to be falling into place and I feel confident saying that in nearly 4 months I will be a student at Central Saint Martins, Uni of the Arts London!!!!!

Today was an exciting and inspiring day. I visited with my mum, brothers and sister-in-law and was able to feel my little nephew kicking! I can't wait until he arrives in 10 weeks.

Later, I was checking my favourite graphic artist, Silja Goetz's website for new work and realized how badly I yearned for the perfection in her sketches. My talent for drawing rests at about the level of a 6 year old. Perplexed by this matter, and the fact I was enrolled in an arts Uni, I felt there was no better way to refine my capacity than to practice. So I had a go at drawing and seem to be improving drastically! What do you think? Is there any hope for me?

(See above: Right page = the two year old scribbles that were the previous extent of my abilities. Left page = my current level of capabilities).