Just when you think something is over.. it comes back again.. what the F is going on!

Borrowed, stolen,
That which I was,
Misused for your strict pleasure,
Should be a crime,
You have committed, but cannot commit,
There’s a bind that’s been broken,
There’s a sad heart left behind,
But once wounded, twice as strong,
I am back on my feet,
Why are you hiding? Are you ashamed?
Now that you’ve lost me after your mistakes,
What are your excuses to make you right?
You must be hollow, you hold no remorse,
Maybe you thrive for it,
Would I know if I saw it in your eyes?
It should have lasted longer but it didn’t,
With no warning you took everything
If only the situation were reversed,
I’m not in pieces,
Without you I am fine,
It’s hard to be big about it,
It was tough getting myself around it,
You were unfair,
Then again you never cared,
One day you were happy,
Then next you were gone,
If you want me,
You must hunt me,
I’m not coming after you any longer,
Find your own way home.

I'm still in the same spirits as the last time I posted anything on this blogger. I have nothing to write about anymore. It seems all the same things just keep repeating themselves in my life. How do you write about the same thing repeatedly without sounding repetitive. Doesn't work out so well.. Seriously guys must be messed. Where does their logic come from? Do they even have any? I swear all guys are the same. So frustrating to keep meeting the exact same person only in a different body.
But whatever the circumstance, who cares I mean honestly, what difference does one person make? This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but that's ok! haha.. this is my blog and you just have to deal with that fact. It would just be refreshing to know the next boy I meet won't be a jerk! I have a good feeling that he won't.. as I have met him.. and he seems pretty rawkin.. tho I have been wrong before! I'm a loser! Peace Out.

Ah, guys are such assholes!

Do you take comfort in my presence?
What if I withdrawal,
Who would you turn to?
Who would step up next in line?
It’s been slowly dying,
I’m quickly finding,
This is how it feels to be used,
You make it too easy,
To overestimate my worth,
Tell me where I fit it,
I think it’s time I go,
Leave you standing with your indecision,
Everything you sold me,
Nothing I could keep.

Gotta love those people who you've known for such a long time and don't give you any mention in their life stories yet mention someone who they've met like 5 minutes earlier. Hmmm...consider your point made!
I guess new and exciting things always come first.
Although I suppose there are arguably good reasons behind the lack of mention.. still.. it's always disappointing to discover that you're not worthy of any mention in someone who's played a relatively larger role in your life.
Even if you read this and know i'm talking about you, you probably don't care and don't agree with me. But whatever! Stuff happens.

A despotic wind,
Compelling you,
To reach to me,
When you’ve discarded fear,
To embrace my conceit,
All in a joke to pressure you,
I’m not only wanted by one,
Separated you crave what you cannot have,
My immediacy overtakes yours,
The time you wait patiently,
Passes me in distress,
But the longer we part,
The stronger your drive to have,
Impart me with your negligence,
And your magnetism that I can’t escape,
Give me power over you,
To draw you to weakness as I please,
A phase to grow through,
If I last the tide,
will there be bliss to follow?
Is there an end to your approval?
Am I stuck at this stage?
Fending off my advance,
I’m the one who’s asking for more,
Say it with sorrow,
Force your emotions,
Show me a sign they exist,
You’re not releasing me yet,
What’s your motivation?
Don’t you know what it’s worth?
What are you using me for?
I can hold my tongue,
Leaving things unsaid,
Do you value this more than who I am?
If I pushed it would you get up and go?
A reflection of your vacancy,
But am I victim to your deception?
Unacquainted with the passion that lies inside,
Fill me with what you have in store.

Where I left my plane,
Where I took off,
How I found myself a new land to claim,
How I wished that you were with me,
All the while you were atrocious,
You held innocence,
The pieces of you that I kept,
Can’t breathe without the rest,
But I won’t revive your soul,
The impulse to tend to your cries,
Wrap my ears in silence,
So I don’t hear your voice anymore,
Our encounters I take to the grave,
This box of questions remain unanswered,
Thanks to your generous mouth,
How I hoped one day you’d show me,
What I stayed for,
What little fulfillment you allow,
What affection you saw fit,
You withdraw in the best of hours,
It’s deadening,
You come and retract,
Appear and descend,
Mend my broken mind,
Words kill meaning when conflict hits,
Make what you will with what you’re given,
There’s only one life left in me to lose.

Never knew what life had in store for me,
Struggling with love and careful with my steps,
Mistakes repeat themselves before I have the chance to intervene,
The excitement’s riding high, hoping for one returned to me,
Could this be the one I’ve been waiting for?
It would make so much sense,
I found it in the last place I looked,
We’ve both been wandering,
Searching for our break,
To find things that come with ease,
You shouldn’t have to work so hard,
At what’s meant to be,
Many sleepless nights,
I pictured myself falling from heights too high,
Convinced I’ll never know,
every emotion lies,
what am I feeling now?
so numb and fragile,
you’re so pointless now,
you make me worthless,
i’m not this person,
you mold with your bare hands,
every moment you have to spare,
you hold me until I cannot bear,
the dark solitude ahead,
I’m about to even the score,
I’ve been busy since you put me on pause,
Haven’t been waiting,
anticipating your short lived reunion,
I’ve got my list of replacements.

If I could give you one piece of advice,
stand up and go after what you want,
kuz it’s going to be gone,
if you wait too long,
I’ll be outta here,
It’s unavoidable you’re going to be lonely,
The direction you’re headed,
is set for one, you’re on your own,
is that the way you crave it?
I apologize if it’s a fault of mine,
That’s keeping you from me,
but I’m not wasting my life on impossibility,
it’s always what you turn out to be,
you lose in life what you watch walk away,
it’s the one thing that lingers in your memory,
you came to bargain but lost your gull,
contain your secrets with strict self control,
you won’t allow the speech to pass,
keeping me somewhere in the cold.

I can’t be bothered, I can’t be put up to your tests,
Making me feel as though I’m wanted,
Then throwing it all away,
Your typical dramatic flair,
Romance leads to unfulfilled desire,
flying red flags, signaling you’re much too close,
to something you fear, you will never confess,
words that should come easily,
you press into yourself,
no one will ever know you,
what your heart says,
the root of your confusion,
Why am I a part of your careless ignition?
Toss me out as soon as you get the chance,
I don’t this in my life,
I don’t want to feel like I’m never good enough for you,
Impatience driving me to anger,
I can’t take it, been carried on far too long,
i’m breaking myself off from you,
taking the world in, living without you,
deeply breathing, exalting freedom,
no longer a slave to your dictation,
too independent to be tied to your lips,
your vindictive incursions,
impurity finds me as it leaks your soul,
that’s the symbol you’ve carved,
it's not fair that you win everything.

This painstaking process
I’m saving my strength for the day I’ll need it,
To use against you,
So what if I’m emotionless,
Maybe I soak it up,
Keep it hidden, disguise it from you,
What was once forbidden I raced into,
Disobeyed unwritten laws,
Words I’d never imagined saying,
I leapt into the unknown,
You led me to believe many things,
I’ll never hold the answers to,
I want you near,
But not on your fair-weather terms,
Bring me closer to where you lie,
I haven’t felt your touch in too long,
Enrapt in this game you’ve got me surrounded,
You reveal a little more each time you feel me slip away,
I eat it up, forgetting my purpose,
Carries the blood rush to the surface.

lust and love,
a contridiction,
a sick addiction,
i'm opposed to the idea,
i won't invest faith in anything worth mentioning,
unless proven, can never provide reassurance,
why surrender when i'll implode eventually,
mistrust and misfortune, consistant constants,
when there's nothing left but giving up,
nothing to be discovered but bitterness,
what has come around is as lost as i have been,
you're still not searching,
in your mind, you're so refined,
i'm shrouded in a cloud of deflation,
back in the smallest corner of your head, where you put me,
"stay and wait, for when the feeling's right."
the moments when they come with ease,
no broken contact, i am the queen you pretend me to be,
thoughts, they circle around you,
but everything is on your conditions,
the stipulations you raise for me to compete,
who am i running against?
your lips never part, no sound breaks through,
there's a pause where i dissolve into the background,
i know you'll retrieve me, relieve me.
Do you lie or do you just portray?

It’s not the time,
it’s the way you make it,
and I’m not seeming to be effected,
by what you stake and claim and the mess you make,
I’m independent, you can’t shake that,
It doesn’t mean anything that matters most,
Or I hold close,
It’s easy enough to repair,
What’s not there anymore,
You might be too late,
You’ve lost your place since you left it,
Open for occupation,
I won’t retrace my steps to embrace you back,
No returning to fill what you’ve been lacking,
I don’t expect it,
I know how you see it,
I don’t care how you play it.

I believed what I wanted to,
now I see what i've been missing,
every time I decide you've given up,
you appear to change your mind.
the repetition is growing tedious,
you can never set yourself straight,
there's nothing in the circumstances to fulfill,
after it's worn, it's starts to wear off,
you're not owning up to your worth,
the meaning's decreasing, you're losing your hold,
i'm finding appeal in everything you aren't.

Same old brand of asshole.
~*~
So this will be the bitter end
You deceived me,
As you always do,
Turned out to burn out like the rest,
You can’t stand up to tell me to my face,
Where’s your backbone?
You think I’d really care?
Think there’s tears inside for you?
Sadly mistaken, I knew
I could never trust you,
How you play innocent,
You didn’t fool me,
I’ve just been anticipating it’s arrival,
Do you strive for depletion?
I can’t be deflated, knocked down,
How do things change so rapidly,
When night dissolves your iciness grows,
What are you not benefiting?
my appeal unfit for your taste?
Your approach to inform so unrefined and careless,
Detached and dejected you deemed me,
What’s so wrong with me I find myself here?

My cheeks weren’t rosy until I stayed with you,
Am I reading this faster than I can analyze?
Paranoid from past situations like this,
You held me most of the night,
Still kissed me in the morning,
But the goodbye left me feeling cold,
Did we return to where we started from?
I can’t ask how you feel,
If you were even to answer, I may shatter.
But you’re so different from the rest,
Or are you just a better pretender?
You’re the first person to make me feel completely at ease,
There’s something addicting in your ways,
The only person I’ve thrown my all into,

Too hard to choose to lose the one thing that makes you happy.
I can’t give you up after trying so hard.
Life seems too empty when there’s no reason to smile.
I can’t take the hollow feeling,
Too hard to face,
I’ve failed you and I feel so guilty,
I wish I was stronger, wish I had the time,
So unfair,
What hurts the most is knowing the truth,
No matter how hard I try to convince myself,
Giving away the one thing I wanted most,
I can’t bear to think about it,
I can’t get myself around it,

derailed, you threw me off track,
when you called me back,
when you wanted to see me,
i thought it ended that day in the summer,
when you said you didn't have the time to supply,
i wouldn't see you again,
circumstances improved, does this mean anything to you?
is there reason you've kept me on your side?
will all be depleted?
differences arose when i saw you last,
us shifting to the next,
but will it ever make it past?
i don't think you want the trouble.
the satisfaction in your actions
is enough for me to reconsider.
so which is it then?

you want me hopeful,
you want me bright and unattainable,
but you know how easily i fold in your arms,
there's a break in motion,
an ache i can't cure,
you're reminding me,
how weightless i used to be,
if we've made it this far,
can i count on progression,
not regression,
and a hand held proud?
will i be right this time?
Will I stay,
In reverie with you,

Happiness sucks! Kuz as long as you're in that state, you can only anticipate the end.

Where it stops and it goes,
Where your heart lies nobody knows,
Couldn’t you love, wouldn’t you give it all?
Just to take the plunge, for the high of the fall,
More than willing, others wait for you,
But in your mind this is a game,
Without realization your intentions cruel,
I don’t want to be the one who gets left behind,
But where the warmth grows and burns your cheeks crimson,
So silly to believe perfection can survive,
I’m waiting for the worst to come,
Render me surprised,
Open my eyes,
To find your feelings never changed.
Will you ever be so sure,
For the first time without confusion and conversion,
Discover satisfaction in one.
~*~
I’m always looking for deeper answers,
Kuz you’re never letting me in on anything,
So much I want to learn,
But if you can’t tell me, still I’ll yearn.
Stop saving up your mystery,
It’s only adding to my misery.
I keep replaying those sweet moments,
Incase they suddenly are stolen away.

And you sway and you turn away,
When I want to give, when I want to relive,
And you disappear when I crave you most,
When you should be here, you’re nowhere near,
The times I wait for your call, I know I won’t hear from you at all,
You take and wrap me in,
It’s fake and I’m seething in my skin,
But I try to bring you back, to fill this vapid crack,
The moments you show me it’s strong enough to last,
Are replaced by emptiness, the bitter cold is approaching fast,
Where will you have me stored when winter sets in?

Here I’ve been
Letting you lead me
Away from desire,
You tread closer to destruction
Further from where I stand,
You want me wandering,
Far from you,
The bliss of my forgotten existence,
Held strong,
Still I hang on,

and a dial that I hear in your tone,
so familiar and so welcoming,
unawakening since i've been waiting,
left so empty and uninspired,
haven't picked up where we ended,
where I left myself laying,
til I found you I didn't feel desolation,
all I hear is the same old words,
same old hollow speech,
that I hold you to,
I felt so new, felt so used,
I watched you with discretion.

Sorry I haven't written or even posted anything in a long while..i've just been so damn busy! Getting a puppy is a lot more work than I anticipated.. but definitely worth it. If I could post some pics of Lexus, I would.. but I'm not sure how to post pics on this blogger thing! Anyways, I've gotta get back to my responsibility, fun for me, she's been puking pretty much all morning.. I think I even saw a boot come out of her.. yeah I know that's not funny, but for being awake all night for the past week, that's the best i've got!

You won’t leave me alone,
You follow me to my dreams,
I’m throwing away all my thoughts of you,
Replace with fresh hope for new beginnings,
But I don’t believe in myself,
You were the last to murder my optimism,
Now you’re non-existing,
A threat to my demeanor,
But I can’t please you,
I can’t capture your attention,
Now that you’ve seen better,
A base to my derision,
Found a place to lose without grace,
You want me miserable if I can’t have you,
A smile has never been more satisfying,
If only I could watch you seethe,
Could you be a little prouder,
To see me fall behind,
I thought I felt you care for me,
I really felt what I wanted to feel,
All along you anticipated the end,
I expected more,
Then your lousy goodbye,
It’s all I have to hold on to.

You’re not worth it,
I tell myself,
What is it about you,
That stays with me,
Like a daunting reminder,
How I felt with you,
You grew colder,
You won’t admit it,
Although you showed it
That you’re through with me,
Once the initial excitement’s over,
There’s no reason for you to hang around,
Do you regret the time that’s been spent?
Is it all the same to you?
Would you grant me answers,
Never too sure,
When your distaste will arise,
I want to shut you out,
never let you cross my mind,
or wonder what you do at night,
so if I go, then I’m taking my sanity with me,
I’m littered with bitterness,
Cause I wasn’t worth the endeavor,
Looks bad on your part,
Emotions moderate,
I don’t feel the edge of the fire that’s burning out,
There’s a mark left behind,
Your name’s engraved in all the ghosts of your adoration,
A cowards pride is his prized possession.

I couldn't see it,
until I pushed us apart,
the ruins you set me out to be,
everyone could see it,
I finally believe,
couldn't leave you in your unstable/broken state,
but I had to break free,
i've never been lower than where you wanted me,
a smile made me guilty and oh so selfish,
like your life was the only one that existed,
the rage you unleashed on me,
a thousand bruises,
lining up my insides,
screams you threw at me,
and all the silence clouded between,
it became too much,
I had to breathe,
the weight that's been lifted,
can't face you again,
I can't bear it again,
you've been using me,
abusing me to place yourself on a pedestol.

it's all over me,
and i'm all about you,
burned by your flesh,
your breath,
i'm breathing you in,
intoxicated, invigourated,
the heat is rising,
i'm hypnotized,
feels so nice,
never wanna leave,
I could stay with you forever,
you move me so easily,
i'm taken quickly,
so geniune when i question your intentions,
you take offense when i protest,
I wish you'd prove me with words as much as you show me in your ways.

You can't be real.
The way you dress the way you walk & talk,
way you keep things inside,
it just can't be you,
Putting on a tough front,
never letting things get through,
acting like nothing gets to you,
you're better than that,
i've been here for you,
you haven't been near for me,
not down for me like you used to be,
the excitement's over,
no reason to be bolder,
back when we'd talk for hours,
now you're never there,
I don't like where this is going,
but i have no choice,
I know you've been busy,
getting busy behind my back no doubt,
lost my trust in you,
I know you're gonna keep on doing what you do,
there's no stopping you,
too much time to think,
so much space to fill,
sometimes i wish i'd never met you,
you make me so crazy wondering,
I guess you've been distracted,
found yourself attracted to someone new,
no room for me,
can't show me that you care,
i'm worn right through,
so tired of wanting you.

I'm not sure if anyone bothers to come here anymore... I mean I wouldn't, I'm a terrible poster.. I can go weeks without posting.. I am deeply apologetic for that.. I just haven't been putting any good material together lately.. I mean read it.. the recent posts are crap! In fact it's all crap... but I guess if no one reads it then it doesn't matter! Summers winding down.. almost back to skool and I'm dying to get out of here! At least i'll have a 4 day vacation from the great town of BB ... I've been over socialized in the past few weeks.. so i'm trying to take a break from that .. it's been unsuccessful.. apparently all my other friends are just emerging out of hibernation... It'll be good to see some of them again. Some really weird things have been going down lately.. Not sure where it's all coming from.. but I have no choice but to just go with it.. someone tell me why it's been calling for Thunderstorms for the past 3 weeks and it still hasn't stormed?! So I have a great debate going on.. whether to get a labaret piercing or not? The whole nose ring business didn't werk out very well... I'm missing my facial piercing.. the nose ring i'm afraid is just getting too popular.. you know it's bad when everyone around you wants to get one.

You don't see through me,
do you see through me?
I was born to kill,
I was taught to hunt,
everyone is innocent,
they're all weak,
~
the law of new beginnings,
i'll never be a part,
the safest place inside myself,
you will forgive me,
will you forgive me?
~
I bore all i saw,
it's all I could handle holdling,
put the weight upon myself,
and let the sick lie,
it's all coming down, it's all come undone,
this is what's left,
~
i'm crawling back to the surface,
will you meet me in green?
where will I find my head?
have I lost my mind?
buried underground,
~
this life to die,
this life divine,
he's to savour,
love's a lie, (I can't fathom)
truth's a bitch,
~
there's no one home,
i'll lay alone,
tonight and for much longer,
because I don't believe,
lucky i'm not like the others,
i don't need anyone,
~
the sweet taste lasted for awhile,
but the bitter end always reigns,
the dark clouds are here to stay,
~
I know you're just another,
am I just another?
I felt it go in your touch,
I want to lack emotion,
you put me up to so much,
I put up with too much,
I want to lose you,
but I can't seem to, (hell is your picnic)
and yeah i've done you wrong,
everything I do is wrong,
is a spoiled soul worth saving?
is a soiled slate worth seething?
Grin and bear it baby.

You’re always so hot and cold,
I know I should just put you behind me,
I’d be better off that way,
But it’s so hard when you want it so much,
I think I’m falling further away,
you look so small from where I’m standing,
the distance is growing,
I can’t help but blame myself,
Wondering what I’m doing wrong,
But I know it’s all you,
You just don’t see what you used to,
I’ve worn my welcome with you,
I should stop running from reality,
To face truth that you weren’t meant for me,
But you come around just when I’m getting over you,
You suck me back in and I give in,
I curse myself for being so weak,
But one day, it will be too late,
And I won’t greet you the same way anymore.
Would that make you happy,
Could you live without me in your life?
Knowing I would never crawl back to you,
I hope you’re ready, cause that day is coming soon

I can sing with sorrow,
And would you recognize it?
I sense a change coming,
But it’s in me,
I thought you would make things better,
I thought you could make it go away,
But you just don’t care about anything,
what changed after me?
There’s no sense of ease between us,
I’ll accept the blame,
I didn’t mean to leave,
Why aren’t you trying harder to win me back?
It’s taking far too long,
I feel like i’m at wit’s end,
I’ve got nothing to draw you in,
I swear I saw that light in your eyes,
If just for a moment it existed,
Tell me that I was only seeing what I wanted to see,
Say it, you can’t put your trust in me again,
I know I blew it for myself,
But a glimmer of hope is enough to dance with the idea

From a dawning light,
You peer through,
My spine becomes your playground,
And it’s obvious it could kill,
But it brightens and twists further,
The inescapable has tangled me in tight,
Words I give without meaning, are full of fire,
I’m an accidental addition, I’m not the only one,
I try to stop, I try to be who I am inside,
You came to shred my innocuous world apart,
You came to change me,
Now i’ve got a thirst for wayward pursuits,
My quiet mouth,
It must end although I’m aching for it,
You don’t seem too concerned,
if this devastating circumstance unveiled,
I’ll drown in a pool of my own destruction

I can't seem to write anything worth posting at the present moment.. it's been long since I looked at some of my work and haven't thought "wow this is complete and utter crap"... life is at a boring lull right now. .so I have nothing to write about.. hopefully it will all end soon.. and things will start picking up.. until then.. I apologize..

Tired, fragile thing,
Attached to destruction,
And you’re lusting after hurt,
Throwing away composure for turbulence,
Why are you after everyone?
Desperate for affection, gathered in masses

You told me the world was coming,
The prophets couldn’t read me like you,
And I saw what I felt but it wasn’t near enough,
And all the opposites occur,
Found myself in the middle,
Without the strength to give this unnerving speech,
Unrequited love, it’s not just me that’s amiss,
I’m catching the fallen hearts,
I don’t want the burden anymore,
I want this to be real, I’m tired of misconceiving how they feel,
Misdirected my way, they come
never too sure who to count in,
it’s too tragic to be true,
but I’ve been fighting to get through to you,
waiting gets so tedious, I’m unaware and it’s ridiculous,
how can it be gone, how can feelings fade,
when mine have stayed so long,
was it ever there,
could you just be scared?
this trilogy of intricacies,
why must I abide,
these incoherent rules,
I’ve been run out and into the ground,
now I won’t be turning back around,
I should have known better than to believe,
Everything happens the way it’s supposed to.

an excuse,
with words you disguise what i interpret as truth,
are you half joking?
i'll claim your humor and you mistake mine,
how could i be involved,
this line i cross,
must be treason, betrayal, deceit,
always the person you love most,
represented purity,
a quiet lie,
this is how i wilt,
the arise of weakness,
harm without intent,
how could i forgive devious indulgence,
if it weren't mine,
let the blood rush to my head.

In the eyes you used to see me through,
Maybe I get a little confused,
It won’t last,
Don’t get so uneasy,
when you see me walking past,
down hallways that exist in your mind,
I have to relive so I don’t forget,
Could be a sign,
You were meant to be mine,
I wish my heart to stone,
I’m bored debating the politics of being alone,
I’ll let you draw the conclusion on your own,
I promise I’ll stop saying how I miss you,
It seems to have lost it’s charms too,
It’s always me finding you,
But I’m leaving it,
Bittersweet endings,
You never heard of.
~You weren’t aware,
I could never find nerve to speak it,
So I keep it unspoken,
Let you go on unknowing,
Chemicals leaking,
Feelings i’m not dealing with anymore,
It’s better to be oblivious,
You don’t know how much trouble I’d be saving,
Tell me different, what would the option bring?

It was vague, you were there,
you were blurred in visions of heat,
it was a moment captured long ago,
came to revisit from my memory,
in this sudden haze you had me,
taken quickly I was high off the amazement hidden in your lips,
You speak to me on a new level,
as if I had dissipated,
fallen closer as a friend,
somewhere deep in my mind at night,
you transcend,
I know what you're after,
everything alters with seasons come and gone,
never will I fully let you go,
And you cross my mind, time to time,
but you've made a home here,
you keep quiet, arising sometimes,
I can never quite make up my mind,
do you leave your door open for me,
If I crawled in would you take me honestly,
But i'm aware reasons behind,
why i'm not beside you now,
they seem so unclear.

Do you wait for me to slowly melt,
into an unpleasant human condition,
so you can find some fault in me,
I was never perfect, it's obvious,
why don't you love me anyway!
I suppose i've carried on too long,
why am I still thinking it could be true,
we'd never stand a chance,
I will falter and you will fall,
have you grown so sturdy,
you tower over me,
i'm here,
i'm the one waiting for you to come around,
funny how positions flip,
I haven't yet decided, it's taken me years to get here,
to reach uncertainty,
beaten in the back of my mind,
this jury can't agree,
i'll always want you,
and to run from you,
what scares me?
do you know?
you can read my mind,
and I know yours better than my own,
you're desperate and loathing,
i'm just bitter,
let's connect!
we could destroy the world with intellect,
I don't want to cause harm,
but maybe you can offer me damage this time,
I'll admit I miss you tonight,
what was my reason,
so irrelevant now,
how could you forgive me so easily?
so cold, so cruel, so ignorant back then.
~A slight longing for the past,
the nights I was falling over,
but you were contagious, I couldn't resist,
the first true person,
embeded with my trust,
the first I want to turn to still,
all these things that live and breathe inside me,
why did I lose the moment,
was I right?
why am I still second guessing?
should I try to mend this,
would you even want me?
long after the picture faded,
silent with the sound of heavy rain,
and your kisses,
that summer night.

the accused cannot be held,
for innocence grips behind,
i'm always guilty to you,
you never rest until you know,
every word exchanged,
what's wrong with wanting more,
if it's all in my head,
there's nothing coming,
i'm sinking underneath,
where's the one to pull me from destruction?
was I the reason, I know i'm not,
it's just imagination,
with the idea set,
why is he silent?
actionless,
after he speaks curiosity,
wait, is it my turn to take the reigns?

Should have kept the words inside,
Now you follow my every reverie,
As if it’s full of important memory,
All things I think and feel,
Every emotion I deemed real,
You take it deep within you,
To believe my false interior,
I warned you,
But it sounds too close to truth,
Twisted with desire and wicked deception,
I aim for destruction,
Unconsciously, the ruins trail
Corroding everything I wanted to last,
why do I devise these plans to entice?
All laughter ends in desolation,
Never am I allied with censure,
I didn’t mean to let you break,
I must have been made to be alone,
Cannot let one get by,
These resilient walls,
Assembled to attack,
Constructed to protect,
Have I grown to be this way?
The heavy haunting in my head,
My heart,
You know the laceration,
I think that I’ve lost you,
But I never belonged to you,
Did you engrave it in me to set astray?
Maybe I’m just running,
Did you teach me to conceal til I collapse?
As if an empty lesson could be contained,
Should I be condemned for the mold you left for me.
It’s hard to forgive when I don’t have the answer,
And I’m too afraid to ask.

jumped the imminent gun,
it was bound anyway,
but if you could change,
if i could transform,
maybe happiness could override,
i am one for derision,
fixed my back against foray,
slippery words sliced between,
lips hidden but revealed unapprised,
the implication reigns,
a constant worry I could live without,
mark me selfish,
mark me unjust,
I would have tried for you,
I was not built to bend,
unforeseen constraint,
apology without repentance,
cast your judgement,
mark me mistaken,
mark me iniquitous,
cannot say i'm appeased,
misplaced attempt to convince,
worthy of delay.

They’re crawling on my skin,
Invading my security,
and warmth I’ve felt within,
Losing my place in stability,
indecision over our demise,
have you gotten further behind?
What you want I can’t give you,
So what makes you stay?
Have I become a opportune diversion?
Is it dying as fast as it began?
There’s not enough of me to suit your needs,
Could you prove me wrong?
Would you say you’d live without it just as long,
I can’t resurrect wounds that never healed,
Awkward exposure I must to evade,
you want to liberate me,
But I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,
How have you made it this far?
Won’t be long before you’re turning back,
If I could have you without obstruction,
if you’d be willing to sacrifice,
No one could make me change my mind.

I can read the disappointment in your face,
Surfaced and hung heavy in your eyes,
We can still cross that line,
When it comes down to due time,
An uncertain hesitation,
But I want to forget my fears for you,
How can I give you nothing in return,
I feel so demanding,
How can I show you I’m grateful?
How can I keep you here,
This is how I let go,
I don’t know how to say,
You mean this much,
Are my actions amiss?
I’ll never understand,
Why I find it so hard,
Can you linger through it,
Until I find my way,
How far can we go
Without losing you,
Without losing myself,
Arrantly vital to you,
I just wish it didn’t subsist,
As if discretion could be followed,
I will dissenter in the end,
Longing to offer what I can’t impart.

The longer I wait
The less I believe those benevolent words,
Is this a test?
Sorry I’m not as structured as the rest,
I live concealed,
I hide the best I can,
if you don’t chase me, I won’t return,
it’s not to say I don’t feel the same,
as if my effort weren’t little enough,
you were on an elevated level,
so why should I try,
if I’ve never been good enough to suit you,
you may say a modest otherwise,
but you can’t view this through my eyes,
Do I deserve the elated state I disguise?
Can’t you see I’m separating?
My decadence released,
I’m struggling, but what for?
Neurotic illusions,
Only demise can arise when perfection is present,
I doubt the trust you lay before me,
If you cared that much would I know it?
I feel ashamed burning time much too quickly,
your euphoric eminence inculcates,
how could I learn to erase your essence.

the art is in his voice,
where he sings so gracefully,
folds me in sweetly,
and I stand capsized,
drawn into his world,
where it is only I and the sound,
all distractions cease,
I follow with an eager heart,
all directions commanded,
like a sleepwalker inside a utopian dream,
trapped but I never want to leave,
new tattooed part of me,
I am his addition,
the darkness has faded,
flood of brilliant light,
his wisdom and elegance,
a match for me to make,
while they fall apart, he falls together,
his beautiful transition,
in the wake of my eyes,
skin i'll never touch,
absence of flaw in his design,
the radiance I feel.

how ungrateful you've grown,
in such high regard i held you,
now you've tripped over swollen pride,
I hate the transformation,
the things you said you'd never be,
all just bullshit that you kept feeding me,
i'm taking the time to remind,
that the lustre inside you has died,
I saw you fade, felt you fold,
you're dancing on disgrace,
lost warmth within your face,
a shame to lose someone who meant so much.

Thought I’d never see such a vile glow,
And it struck like a hurricane blow,
it was present but it was my own,
an abysmal self creation,
what happened to my absolute dedication,
a shattering silence infusing the room,
piercing our hearts far too soon,
rolled back to the beginning,
this time hoping to collect the winning,
your universal generosity,
a parallel to my perspective,
if I could give a little more,
your candor conflicts my independence,
you’ve ended my life’s penury,
I expect your words to be full of meaning,
Will not allay false assurance,
Say straight what you portend,
Don’t make me retreat to my defense,
Never a reason to retract into refuge,
Are we ephemeral, can we transcend?
Overrun with alacrity,
Do not arise in vagary,
Conversion to my recidivist form,
Labeled laconic,
that’s who I’ve always been,
a series of sinuosity,
your beguilement remains ubiquitous,
reach me while I’m isolated,
watch my belied emotion decant,
I will repress the fallaciousness inside,
And fight for our fortitude.

From the initial sting,
You had this plan,
How suave and smoothly you’d take me,
Whisk me from existence as I knew it,
Lock me in and then unravel yourself,
Show me your unexpected nature,
Fall in line with the rest,
Trick me into short lived bliss,
Surreal spontaneity used only to get through to me,
Are you doing this for yourself?
Make me feel what you think I want to feel,
Nourish words that can’t be real,
I’m tired of the same old careless ways
You appeared to be an exception,
but I was fooled into trusting you,
how can I rely on a striking façade?
All along I thought you weren’t getting to me,
That I’d shrug off any careless actions,
But I’ve discovered I was wrong,
The dark skies are rolling in,
And where are you to greet them with me?
How hard can it be,
to keep arrangements you made with me?

Watching the water,
Waiting for what’s harder,
Didn’t want to miss out on good things,
Waiting for what’s to come,
What’s next to discover,
Curiosity catching hold,
Where will you take me?
Suspended in your arms,
Held up,
Used by the light in your eyes,
Maybe I won’t mind,
Will I linger for longer?
More than “I’ve been here before”
Seems apparent, evident in my skin,
Just a little fierce and with slight fear,
I will detach from obstruction,
Would you lie to keep me here?
Can you wait as long as it takes to get there?
Lavished saccharine acclaims
My essence: raw and innocent,
Can I contend?
Dulcet compliance.

How can I learn to be carefree?
Still and not struggle,
A stare that cannot break,
How it feels to fall fast,
With speed agile,
Sets me uneased,
I don’t want to surrender,
I fear you won’t be there when I wake,
How did I become someone,
You chose to adore,
I never imagined you’d grow more divine
Than at first glance,
So many confessions,
Innocent professions,
I’d answer only for you,
I’m at home, I’m myself with you,
Tell me everything there is to gather,
It’s clearer this time,
So much simpler this time,
I’d like to stay just like this,
Lay in the weight of your selfless kiss,
Untouchable, wrapped in this moment,
Just as we are,
As close to perfection as we can attain.

Good to know it was good for nothing,
Since when has a solid effort meant,
When we’d come all this way,
Thought support would be appreciated,
You’re making it not enough,
It ceases to be,
Anything in relation to me,
But it’s always a different story,
Tell me your side, it wins flawlessly,
You imply that I have nothing,
Nothing in comparison to you,
Only shallow opulence,
you own and display,
you’re too ahead to care to see behind,
that’s where you’ll find me.

in a new state,
a fresh development,
can you bear it, can you stand it?
close your eyes if you don't like what you see,
it will remain, it will never go away,
for once i'm taken much too sweetly,
what makes this different from times before?
you shone and you were glorious,
now you're set to destroy,
unconsciously swathed in envy,
how can I revive your precedent glow,
the one in which we savored untouchable memories.
am I stealing the light you wanted for yourself?
I can't suppress what can't be found again,
could we compromise, slip with a concession?
this is the first and I pray the last,
so now are you convinced of our value?
dismissing as lies, all the truths I bestow,
All I crave is the paradise of our past.

Still Unfinished...

what's left to unfold?
perhaps fall apart and fall away,
lessen the effort,
leave it unresolved and awaiting closure.
will it ever reach down to you?
what's the easiest path to access,
enrapt in the mirror,
unfurling new complexity,
may an ease creep into your sleep.
choosing to keep your misery for mystery.
is it enough to suffice?
replace the trace of happiness......

Is it supposed to be this easy?
makes me wonder why I ever settled before,
the first sincerity I believe,
an honest voice,
to divulge to a trusted soul,
no one's ever tried to know me like you have,
how did such sweet conditions find me?
it all fell together effortlessly,
am I doing the right thing?
seeking ways to break this complacent state,
a chance to ruin my elated tenure,
would I take it?
should these thoughts run me weary,
as they settle themselves in a lucid light,
I welcome you into the weakest part,
I hope I draw close to your ideals,
I fear that I will fall behind,
get lost in a digressing occasion,
when I hesitate will you dissuade me from giving until there's nothing left,
is your patience refined,
polished for my fresh attempt,
have you constructed an image of my existence,
with the history and words I offer,
do you know me now, what have you found?
who have I grown into?

seeing what i looked from so far up so close,
the picture paints itself more divine,
is it fooling me?
is this a conspiracy, can it be real?
feels like I never missed a day,
even if I found the words to describe,
could I use them to their best?
loneliness & emptiness has dispersed,
what's left for me to use?
i'm heading back to where i belong,
but will you come along?

this is the way your heart speaks to me,
all the right things you've learned before,
refreshing to find a face you can trust,
a gentle soul,
and my ridiculous grin won't win me anything,
a level of comfort that never existed present,
streams of stories while happiness found a place inside me,
an unexplainable bliss, first rush i've felt like this,
the formation of an idea you won't change on me,
what more is there to say.

This one's a little dedication to someone ...

You may see me as I see you
But instead of you seeing me, I see right through you
In this room with a two-tone view
You make it so easy to terrorize you
You reflect and retract
Retreat when I attack
Too cowardly to offer explanation
And instead reply with agitation
What are you running from?

I’m sure you had good grounds,
To keep me from being around,
It didn’t seem rational back then,
But I won’t be found back there again,
Risen above my irate state.

Funny to look into the past
To figure out what made me want us to last,
Doesn’t make sense anymore,
For graceful adoration, this time I implore,
You search for standards you’ll never attain,
Painting your exterior to mask uncertain pain,
What is it that eats away at you?

You give yourself away in your transparent armor,
Concealed in sheep’s clothing as a dissolute charmer,
It doesn’t embody the person I thought you’d be,
I can’t help but worry, that’s just the nature of me,
Always appears you’re hiding something,
Maybe it’s not worth it’s losing everything,
i just hope you’re happy someday,

how complicated your life looks to be,
am I exaggerating the extent of your misery?
Less mystery after once seen,
You can’t expect forgiveness if you don’t come clean,
I just want to know why you act this way,
I’m not the only one who sees it, think what you may.
Even if I offered my solace, you would turn me away,
I hope there’s a contented light about you one day.

~*~

And you typed out the sweetest things
the entire song and it’s contents,
how you felt,
how I felt too,
and it all melted away,
I can’t seem to pass it,
I’m caught in the breaking, still frozen,
Paralyzed by the end of the surprise,
I can’t believe it’s come to this,
I only listen to the songs that describe you,
And how I feel,
How you used to feel,
I hate to see the confirmation coming,
Must’ve forgotten what I look like,
You haven’t seen the change,
This time there’s no room for improvement,
Why am I running, pretending it never happened,
As if my pace quickening kills the sound,
You’re sending me somewhere I can’t stand to be,
So much for the truth, now who’s insecure,
No one’s ever turned me into this,
Needing never wanting more,
How endless you appear,
I’m sorry for the damage,
It’s only fair I take the fall this time,
You stopped me when I thought I was right,
And you’ve lost your compassion,
Again and again,
You’re the ghost of my conception,
All this trouble I’ve caused,
It cost me you,
and how you felt,
And how I’ll always feel.

Don’t expect anything from me,
I won’t warn you before I leave,
And when I’m gone I won’t think of you,
Keep my head looking forward,
You will stay where I left my defeats,
As far as I’m concerned,
I kept the promise I made,
5 days until I can breathe,
without your insensitivity,
past your pale pollution,
I thought you’d separate yourself from the rest,
But you proved me so wrong,
I vow to be the one who you let get away,
And I travel so far while you wonder who you are,
Find yourself incomplete in my absence,
There will be no disarming captivity,
I was a fool to my own judgment,
But I won’t be beaten by your successions,
Why should I accept your irreverence?
How can you hold so much distaste,
for someone you once claimed to love,
confused by flirtatious invitations you were sending,
and you become so detached from our conversation,
finally you justify your answer I didn’t want to hear,
delegating the dissonant lapse unto me,
you’re so thick you’re not worth the dereliction.

Would you still care
If our goodbyes were said yesterday
I can promise you this time
If I show you how remorse fills my veins
And how the darkness enfolds me
Would it change your mind
I’m tripping into every black hole
You choose to disregard what you see of me,
This lengthy despair you’ve set in stone,
I can’t evade,
But are you unguarded inside?
Do I break right through?
Do you stand by those fierce words you preach?
Why has everything evolved around you,
Swallowing my world and displacing it with your own,
I can’t elude your soft face and playful smile,
It’s the worst thing for me,
I’ll never heal without you.

I hate to admit,
And it’s gone but I still need it,
The lyrics describe it seamlessly,
“Our love was comfortable and so broken in”,
you never said you didn’t still feel the same,
I’m too afraid to ask,
Why am I dwelling on the chance?
I should have moved on,
But I’m certainly unsure,
I wish it wasn’t so calloused,
This art I’ve created,
Of losing and then penitence,
Initiation is a task you avoid altogether,
I’ll let you go as soon as my loneliness subsides.

Slowly burning in my own hell,
Wish I had someone to assist in my escape,
The future is dim and littered with contusions,
All the good is beyond many sunsets,
Never nearing the ending,
Reminders of my useless absorption,
How it looks from the outside,
Avarice, an understatement,
My every want is handed to me with no complication,
This isn’t me,
Circumstances are essential,
An unfair affair,
Guilt overwhelms me,
Seeing the likes of repentance for ridiculous matters,
Why generate shame for every object bestowed to me,
Such a burden I’ve suddenly become,
An unjust judgment to which I am indignant.

all i feel,
i am hollowed,
an empty vessel set out to find you,
what's taking so long?
a regression to the beginning,
sometimes it's hard to take the truth,
another loss to suffer through,
i'd like to think my luck's finally changing,
but still the same scenery seen,
bring back vitality from it's long hibernation,
falling into the extent of only endings,
the outlook isn't promising.

what made you say those things,
so out of the blue,
while you chase the room,
staring at your own reflection,
and all the pretty faces,
how am i supposed to take you seriously?
you & your wandering eyes,
i see you for what you really are,
so please stop trying,
the effort is a waste of your precious time,
it's to what you're bound by blood that i adore,
perilously poised,
you think your charm cannot be resisted,
an explanation you waited too long to release,
why now?
your sudden delayed honesty,
i sense you know better,
you pursue what you find,
naive vulnerability,
assured you can steal a weakened heart,
you appear to hold so much wreckage,
i don't know the truth to your character,
why do you act as you do,
following what loathed you've grown used to,
where's your will to change?

Here's a nice little Valentine's Day poem for ya!!!

There were roses in my mind,
But you had died,
Today was just another day,
Like all the others,
over years and landscapes,
pretty things that were deceitful,
in between I lost easily,
not so quickly regained,
my balance is faltering,
thinking how far away you seem,
as long as I keep my eyes on the road,
didn’t want to lose my place in oblivion,
Opulent with lacking prevalence,
Who will be the next to come,
No one appears to possess the proper nerve,
I’m just a spectator in this round,
It’s been running dry ever since it began,
A fatigued heart lies futile,
would it save my existence to know,
to hear the words I’ve chosen for you to speak,
a home for unattainable broken reminders,
every day is just another excuse to render you alive.

Taking control,
A restoring energy,
Thrown into a means to better myself,
Soon you won’t recognize who I am,
A new reflection to please,
This is for me,
Inspired by scenes I wish to attain,
I can’t wait to see surprised wide eyes,
It’s all been done before,
I won’t be an exception,
It starts inside,
An added radiance to my exterior,
Cut loose from the past,
Tonight holds a different meaning,
I refuse to settle for anything less,
All your games have been retired,
I will tell you exactly what I think of you,
Everything you wish to ask,
I’ve always been on your side,
I’ve played your breed of pretend for much too long,
You live in a world of dreams,
It’s time to come down,
Can you last or will you wilt?
Strife only makes me stronger,
So do your worst.

Feeling your presence surrounding me
Your warmth behind me
Trying to sway with you
Wishing you a little closer
Until distance disappears
What I put away resurfaced to find me
Rosy with temptation
If I could persuade your lips
An embrace bursting bliss
Always close to something
Never leading me quite near enough
Every visible indication lies
I’m so unsure
I want to see beneath your emotive eyes
Answer your questions of curiosity
i’d promise you the skies would never fold,
under pressing steps of heavy feet,
only to hear your intense professing,
you're everything i've been searching for.

these things you've shown me,
i do carry them with me,
everywhere i'm seeing,
what i should have,
in red and blue,
i wish i could give to you,
all i have to last are memories,
are you listening to the sound,
my world crashing,
i guess you've changed but i remained the same,
seeing the beauty within the circumstances,
one day you will recognize the light,
that dawned on us,
we were untouchable and sturdy,
i'm sorry i got scared,
such a short ride to reality,
don't let me fall alone,
i know you're smarter than you seem,
i want the safety of your love,
how can i acquire what i came for,
you're not willing,
my hands are unwelcome,
how could i?
use this selfish deviance,
i demand your confession,
how much you've been holding back ,
unleash the passion you've built up for me.

Maybe I can start another life,
I told you what I came to say,
I thought I couldn’t be brought down,
Always imagined you’d be an easy one to catch,
You’d be there for me when I was ready,
But you informed I was too late,
Had it in the back of my mind,
But I didn’t want it to be true,
I’ve lived without you,
I didn’t want to continue alone,
You’re a strong believer,
everything happens for a reason,
I disagree,
Now I feel I delved too far,
Gave myself away without delay,
Can I put an end to missing you?
I could use some good news,
On this bitter day,
I turned another year older, and I feel 85,
Everything should be glowing,
but all I feel is what I’ve lost and what I’m longing for,
I finally know what I want,
And it’s so far out of reach,
Maybe I don’t like who you’ve changed into,
But it doesn’t affect the amount I’ve felt for you,
I hope my words rest you assure,
time without end, undying I cared.

Why has it taken so long,
To feel like you were ever there,
I’m just as frightened as I’ve always been,
I don’t know who you are,
must have been my mistake,
never had the nerve to speak,
to tell you that I feared you most,
Never felt like I could ask you anything,
I used to blame you for my struggling,
There’s so much confusion,
All I am is another expense,
An occasional obligation,
Unaware of my substance,
any abilities I bear,
The leak in my composure,
The damage you’ve built within me,
Moments like this when I break,
You’re a stranger,
a thief to my affection,
When I’m so far it’s easy to forget,
“I love you” voided,
your distaste for the word,
only your face is familiar,
you’re an empty vessel,
I take with me only angry words to remember,
I am the bind to a life you left behind,
You taught me how to accuse,
How to run from everything that matters,
To disguise this embittered hole.

And I should watch my mouth,
Wash it of all the things I say,
Without being careful, I am hurtful,
I don’t mean to cause your tears,
You have a way of making me feel so guilty,
Countless efforts I endure to for you to avoid,
But you disregard all I lay before you,
The first to put my defensives up,
The last to let them down,
I have nothing to hide,
But in you I cannot confide,
Wounds even I could never understand,
Have gracefully grown with me,
But still this happiness inside me I carry,
In my darkest moments you pry into my mind,
Hoping to withdraw this irate poison,
But behind it I am frail,
Pulling myself in all directions,
Offering solace, all I can give,
Its my corrosion,
You never retire from your efforts to salvage,
Despite their unremitting failure,
Set your exertions to rest,
You can’t destroy my demons.

This place I hate
How I can’t do anything
Even in my own space,
Trying to mold me into another you,
I’m not like you, I’ll never conform,
Close my eyes and in the darkness
I can flee from your interrogation,
Think without hearing your opinion,
I never asked to hear it,
So leave me alone,
Every minute there’s silence, you’re invading,
All the words I say slip through your mind,
Lost somewhere, why can’t you listen?
Living isn’t easy when you’re always on my back,
What gave you reason not to trust,
Or the notion that I can’t think for myself,
Are my decisions to your revulsion?
this life does not belong to you,
you can’t live again through me,
there’s no sense in telling me,
my goals, my dreams, who I should be,
it’s a fictitious understanding,
I won’t measure up to your expectations,
I won’t even bother to try.

You’re waving wildly and you’re frantic,
How can I fall when my heart is retracting,
I thought I could, I was sure I would,
Burning my tongue while I think about you,
Wishing that all things were simple,
I just want to sleep until this ends,
Never mean to hurt anyone,
Always works out that everyone’s alone,
I’m sorry I can’t be that person,
Spilling lies, convince reality to part,
Doomed to skip the highs of life,
I believe I’m cursed,
I know your intentions were sincere,
But suddenly the room grew crowded,
I choked on your incursion,
You tell me all these things you think I am,
I’m not sure you know what really rests inside,
Forget my face, obliterate my eyes,
It’s been done before,
You could never love someone as severed as I,
Embedded in my mind, scenes I’ll never see through,
I write the words I feel, do they ever feel them too?
It’s a sadistic cycle,
Where’s your expressive side?
This gift I exude, an attempt to defy,
Each too spineless to respond.

An abrupt secret slipped,
Wasn’t quite surprised,
Pushed to the back of my mind and it was gone,
Away from sight until you appeared,
I laughed off the accused,
But I kept truth to myself,
A smile inside when you were near,
Knowing how silent it should be,
Even as I felt it, knew it would devastate,
You can’t be right for me,
Even if I sense it,
It would decay,
Damaged hearts stay,
I could never wound you that way,

I want to be the one,
to preclude your obliteration,
laying beside you,
wishing you’d be the first to move,
how would I assess it,
if it’s the last thing I need,
but pungently longed for,

why does this exist?
Bounded by your emitting heat.
Readily weakened into submission
But inhibition always follows,
Can’t see past what keeps me hesitating.

i can see when you're talking,
and you look at me,
there's no one else,
how can i imagine you this way?
never believed i could see you in such a soft light,
scent of you behind me,
hard to admit, is this what i want,
so strange, so peculiar,
i can feel within my skin,
i'm going to run,
i don't want to ruin you,
leave you wondering if i'm ever coming back,
when i want to be alone,
i want you with me,
if i gave in,
fear would shake me,
it wouldn't be long until you've found i'd gone,
you're the one person i can't do this to,
how did i find this feeling inside?

free to choose,
where have my options gone?
can't make a simple decision,
always consequences to pay,
don't wish to base the answer,
around you,
how can i keep what i can't grasp?
i am different, and i am quite myself,
why do i crave to become,
everything so out of reach,
i offered you my hand, so subtle,
you refuse, you lose, i'm through,
climbing backwards to where the revelation hit me,
i can't retrace what we've had,
it's only me now,
i've been distracted from fixation.

I think this is the first time I’ve really opened my eyes,
Felt pain, felt beauty,
Have I told you I loved you today,
It might be the only time I’ll ever mean it
Recognizing everything I’m capable of,
I’ve never needed someone else to make me whole,
Appreciating my mistakes and who I’ve become,
Excusing my imperfections, satisfying voids with delight
smiling in pure bliss,
Finally I’ve created my own happiness.

What do you ask of me?
with those pleading eyes,
reaching for something,
i am unaware,
i let you reveal my place,
i had too much to put behind me,
aches to measure your intentions,
unfinished embrace,
will it ever mark a fresh beginning?
how long after lights fade,
i remain a wanton guise,
you decide what days i'm good enough for you,
even when i put my pride on the line,
you can't make up your mind,
branded yours,
i don't want to fight,
cry for me at your convenience,
take me from these haunted reveries,
i can't hold my life for you.

think you can win me over with your delicate charm?
i will hide behind my harsh words spoken,
i may have been a fool for you,
there's no such thing as a second chance,
insight into your head games,
i've gained everything i need to see through your false innocence,
can't believe i offered something so good to someone so undeserving,
what do you have to say in your defense?
i'll never see what i used to
inside you there's nothing,
it's easy to forgive when there's no emotion behind these walls,
so sorry that it took this long,
don't confuse my kindness with affection,
there's no longing in my heart,
keep your assumptions beneath the earth's surface,
the last thing i want to hear,
is your voice whispering my name.

You look better than I remember,
envisioned in my suspicion,
now in this frenzied state,
i am eager to catch you,
the ghost of your kiss, my motivation.
how easily can you be caught?
how could i forget,
such a succulent gesture,
you have me relentlessly,
on the edge of my seat,
have you found someone now?

I'm making all the moves,
but will it be worth it in the end?

i can't hide these raging seas,
itching to be released unto you,
the heat inching towards escape,

can you handle these explosive emotions?
been bottled up for too long,
are you strong enough to be there?
when my surface shakes and shatters,

are you only full of meaningless words,
empty implications,
you sound so enthused,
am i simply seeing what i choose to see,
disregarding what you're doing to me.

If I could tell you everything I want to say.

I'd let go of my insecurities.

Let my heart speak for once without my head getting in the way.

I feel it's real, i've made the mistake.

Would you hesitate to take me back?

Memories more than enough

Leave me smiling to myself at night.

I can't listen to conversations, you're a distraction constantly on my mind.

I want to prove how deep the truth run in these words.

It's obvious.

How impatient i'm growing, restless to make this known.

the sharp purity that captures me, drowning.

Paralyzed by the blue of your eyes.

Against you, slight scent stimulating sweet.

Laughter contagious crawling cocooned in my core.

Slender elevation.

Your crooked tooth.

Unpredicted eruptions of ridiculousness.

These things I adore about you.

All these nights,
you fill my head,
thoughts of what it would be like,
if we could start over again,
the things i would do right,
how perfect it would be,
you'd fold me in your arms,
the world would be so peaceful,
every second, a shining smile,
our warm hearts beating in tune,
ignoring the fact that it's beyond "a little too late",
asking myself why i ended things before i gave them a chance,
now i spend my days picturing what we might have had,
pretending it's still a possibility,
i can't imagine you moving on,
but how could you still feel the same?
certainly funny how you cried when i said goodbye,
now i'm the one dying inside without you,
wishing you'd come rushing back to adore me,
everyone says how you've changed,
someone i hoped you'd never be,
discovered the power you hold within,
blatant in everyone's eyes,
i can't help but find myself weakened by your existence,
i feel as though i should scream to the darkness how i love you,
convince you how blind i've been,
the stupidity i seem to have got caught in,
i've been so wrong all along,
how do i let you know,
i want to keep it discreet,
wouldn't want to build up all the passion
and my guts to find you leaving anyway,
i'm going mad missing you the amount that i do.

I am the only thing running,
How did it feel?
In the end have your thoughts run wild?
Places changed, I’ve seen another side,
Can I face you still the same?
After the morning came the rain,
Never in my favor,
A small delight to savor,
I’m too young to see you through,
Misused feelings I believed to be true,
All my hurt and anger untied for you
The last of those impending seasons,
I could never count the reasons,
I’ve wondered why,
The obligation to deny,
Again left to condone,
The hint of repentance in your tone,
Futile occurrences I slipped away,
The evocations of unifying you delay,
Ascent the extraction of your fascination,
Parting with the scent of sheer sensation,
Incredulity for the shift in fortuity
the little effort you make to hold on to me.

I can see us,
unlike we are now,
the flames were never put to rest,
all along we've been solely for each other,
when it ended it never had the chance to start,
it's been long foreseen,
i always knew i'd come back to you,
took long enough to progress,
from the anticipation,
soon,
we'll make up for the past,
continue what was meant to last,
wound in your arms,
watching tv,
the regret finally caught up to me,
there's never been another,
who could render me so alive,
i hope you're in for all i've got,
ever since i let you go,
our memories have been the only thing i know,
what will you allow me to be to you?
can you trust my deceiving heart this time?
i care more than you'd ever agree to believe.

How can this disappear,
As I escape,
Everything leaves with my departure,
I take with me all the forgotten things,
I didn’t mean to steal any hearts,
All those I could not reach stay behind,
If I had the chance I would have won you over,
Life can’t get any better if I can’t make it complete,
Just the strong arms and bright smiles I don’t want to miss,
When everything I want surfaces,
It’s only then an impossibility,
I don’t want to wait too long,
Days are growing stale,
I’ll never find paradise if I’m looking too hard,
But it’s all I’ve got to dream away the bitter night,
Why am I not getting any closer,
Hidden in words, how do I decipher,
for once I stopped thinking,
and you came around,
how long will the good last,
before the tears reign and stay.

April fell into the dust,
and i arrived to carry you home,
cried to you "dont give up on me",
when you looked away,
silently wishiing me to leave,
my insides dripped through the floor,
you didn't need me anymore,
crawled to the next blackened hole.