and a dial that I hear in your tone,
so familiar and so welcoming,
unawakening since i've been waiting,
left so empty and uninspired,
haven't picked up where we ended,
where I left myself laying,
til I found you I didn't feel desolation,
all I hear is the same old words,
same old hollow speech,
that I hold you to,
I felt so new, felt so used,
I watched you with discretion.

Sorry I haven't written or even posted anything in a long while..i've just been so damn busy! Getting a puppy is a lot more work than I anticipated.. but definitely worth it. If I could post some pics of Lexus, I would.. but I'm not sure how to post pics on this blogger thing! Anyways, I've gotta get back to my responsibility, fun for me, she's been puking pretty much all morning.. I think I even saw a boot come out of her.. yeah I know that's not funny, but for being awake all night for the past week, that's the best i've got!

You won’t leave me alone,
You follow me to my dreams,
I’m throwing away all my thoughts of you,
Replace with fresh hope for new beginnings,
But I don’t believe in myself,
You were the last to murder my optimism,
Now you’re non-existing,
A threat to my demeanor,
But I can’t please you,
I can’t capture your attention,
Now that you’ve seen better,
A base to my derision,
Found a place to lose without grace,
You want me miserable if I can’t have you,
A smile has never been more satisfying,
If only I could watch you seethe,
Could you be a little prouder,
To see me fall behind,
I thought I felt you care for me,
I really felt what I wanted to feel,
All along you anticipated the end,
I expected more,
Then your lousy goodbye,
It’s all I have to hold on to.

You’re not worth it,
I tell myself,
What is it about you,
That stays with me,
Like a daunting reminder,
How I felt with you,
You grew colder,
You won’t admit it,
Although you showed it
That you’re through with me,
Once the initial excitement’s over,
There’s no reason for you to hang around,
Do you regret the time that’s been spent?
Is it all the same to you?
Would you grant me answers,
Never too sure,
When your distaste will arise,
I want to shut you out,
never let you cross my mind,
or wonder what you do at night,
so if I go, then I’m taking my sanity with me,
I’m littered with bitterness,
Cause I wasn’t worth the endeavor,
Looks bad on your part,
Emotions moderate,
I don’t feel the edge of the fire that’s burning out,
There’s a mark left behind,
Your name’s engraved in all the ghosts of your adoration,
A cowards pride is his prized possession.

I couldn't see it,
until I pushed us apart,
the ruins you set me out to be,
everyone could see it,
I finally believe,
couldn't leave you in your unstable/broken state,
but I had to break free,
i've never been lower than where you wanted me,
a smile made me guilty and oh so selfish,
like your life was the only one that existed,
the rage you unleashed on me,
a thousand bruises,
lining up my insides,
screams you threw at me,
and all the silence clouded between,
it became too much,
I had to breathe,
the weight that's been lifted,
can't face you again,
I can't bear it again,
you've been using me,
abusing me to place yourself on a pedestol.

it's all over me,
and i'm all about you,
burned by your flesh,
your breath,
i'm breathing you in,
intoxicated, invigourated,
the heat is rising,
i'm hypnotized,
feels so nice,
never wanna leave,
I could stay with you forever,
you move me so easily,
i'm taken quickly,
so geniune when i question your intentions,
you take offense when i protest,
I wish you'd prove me with words as much as you show me in your ways.

You can't be real.
The way you dress the way you walk & talk,
way you keep things inside,
it just can't be you,
Putting on a tough front,
never letting things get through,
acting like nothing gets to you,
you're better than that,
i've been here for you,
you haven't been near for me,
not down for me like you used to be,
the excitement's over,
no reason to be bolder,
back when we'd talk for hours,
now you're never there,
I don't like where this is going,
but i have no choice,
I know you've been busy,
getting busy behind my back no doubt,
lost my trust in you,
I know you're gonna keep on doing what you do,
there's no stopping you,
too much time to think,
so much space to fill,
sometimes i wish i'd never met you,
you make me so crazy wondering,
I guess you've been distracted,
found yourself attracted to someone new,
no room for me,
can't show me that you care,
i'm worn right through,
so tired of wanting you.

I'm not sure if anyone bothers to come here anymore... I mean I wouldn't, I'm a terrible poster.. I can go weeks without posting.. I am deeply apologetic for that.. I just haven't been putting any good material together lately.. I mean read it.. the recent posts are crap! In fact it's all crap... but I guess if no one reads it then it doesn't matter! Summers winding down.. almost back to skool and I'm dying to get out of here! At least i'll have a 4 day vacation from the great town of BB ... I've been over socialized in the past few weeks.. so i'm trying to take a break from that .. it's been unsuccessful.. apparently all my other friends are just emerging out of hibernation... It'll be good to see some of them again. Some really weird things have been going down lately.. Not sure where it's all coming from.. but I have no choice but to just go with it.. someone tell me why it's been calling for Thunderstorms for the past 3 weeks and it still hasn't stormed?! So I have a great debate going on.. whether to get a labaret piercing or not? The whole nose ring business didn't werk out very well... I'm missing my facial piercing.. the nose ring i'm afraid is just getting too popular.. you know it's bad when everyone around you wants to get one.

You don't see through me,
do you see through me?
I was born to kill,
I was taught to hunt,
everyone is innocent,
they're all weak,
~
the law of new beginnings,
i'll never be a part,
the safest place inside myself,
you will forgive me,
will you forgive me?
~
I bore all i saw,
it's all I could handle holdling,
put the weight upon myself,
and let the sick lie,
it's all coming down, it's all come undone,
this is what's left,
~
i'm crawling back to the surface,
will you meet me in green?
where will I find my head?
have I lost my mind?
buried underground,
~
this life to die,
this life divine,
he's to savour,
love's a lie, (I can't fathom)
truth's a bitch,
~
there's no one home,
i'll lay alone,
tonight and for much longer,
because I don't believe,
lucky i'm not like the others,
i don't need anyone,
~
the sweet taste lasted for awhile,
but the bitter end always reigns,
the dark clouds are here to stay,
~
I know you're just another,
am I just another?
I felt it go in your touch,
I want to lack emotion,
you put me up to so much,
I put up with too much,
I want to lose you,
but I can't seem to, (hell is your picnic)
and yeah i've done you wrong,
everything I do is wrong,
is a spoiled soul worth saving?
is a soiled slate worth seething?
Grin and bear it baby.

You’re always so hot and cold,
I know I should just put you behind me,
I’d be better off that way,
But it’s so hard when you want it so much,
I think I’m falling further away,
you look so small from where I’m standing,
the distance is growing,
I can’t help but blame myself,
Wondering what I’m doing wrong,
But I know it’s all you,
You just don’t see what you used to,
I’ve worn my welcome with you,
I should stop running from reality,
To face truth that you weren’t meant for me,
But you come around just when I’m getting over you,
You suck me back in and I give in,
I curse myself for being so weak,
But one day, it will be too late,
And I won’t greet you the same way anymore.
Would that make you happy,
Could you live without me in your life?
Knowing I would never crawl back to you,
I hope you’re ready, cause that day is coming soon

I can sing with sorrow,
And would you recognize it?
I sense a change coming,
But it’s in me,
I thought you would make things better,
I thought you could make it go away,
But you just don’t care about anything,
what changed after me?
There’s no sense of ease between us,
I’ll accept the blame,
I didn’t mean to leave,
Why aren’t you trying harder to win me back?
It’s taking far too long,
I feel like i’m at wit’s end,
I’ve got nothing to draw you in,
I swear I saw that light in your eyes,
If just for a moment it existed,
Tell me that I was only seeing what I wanted to see,
Say it, you can’t put your trust in me again,
I know I blew it for myself,
But a glimmer of hope is enough to dance with the idea

From a dawning light,
You peer through,
My spine becomes your playground,
And it’s obvious it could kill,
But it brightens and twists further,
The inescapable has tangled me in tight,
Words I give without meaning, are full of fire,
I’m an accidental addition, I’m not the only one,
I try to stop, I try to be who I am inside,
You came to shred my innocuous world apart,
You came to change me,
Now i’ve got a thirst for wayward pursuits,
My quiet mouth,
It must end although I’m aching for it,
You don’t seem too concerned,
if this devastating circumstance unveiled,
I’ll drown in a pool of my own destruction

I can't seem to write anything worth posting at the present moment.. it's been long since I looked at some of my work and haven't thought "wow this is complete and utter crap"... life is at a boring lull right now. .so I have nothing to write about.. hopefully it will all end soon.. and things will start picking up.. until then.. I apologize..

Tired, fragile thing,
Attached to destruction,
And you’re lusting after hurt,
Throwing away composure for turbulence,
Why are you after everyone?
Desperate for affection, gathered in masses

You told me the world was coming,
The prophets couldn’t read me like you,
And I saw what I felt but it wasn’t near enough,
And all the opposites occur,
Found myself in the middle,
Without the strength to give this unnerving speech,
Unrequited love, it’s not just me that’s amiss,
I’m catching the fallen hearts,
I don’t want the burden anymore,
I want this to be real, I’m tired of misconceiving how they feel,
Misdirected my way, they come
never too sure who to count in,
it’s too tragic to be true,
but I’ve been fighting to get through to you,
waiting gets so tedious, I’m unaware and it’s ridiculous,
how can it be gone, how can feelings fade,
when mine have stayed so long,
was it ever there,
could you just be scared?
this trilogy of intricacies,
why must I abide,
these incoherent rules,
I’ve been run out and into the ground,
now I won’t be turning back around,
I should have known better than to believe,
Everything happens the way it’s supposed to.

an excuse,
with words you disguise what i interpret as truth,
are you half joking?
i'll claim your humor and you mistake mine,
how could i be involved,
this line i cross,
must be treason, betrayal, deceit,
always the person you love most,
represented purity,
a quiet lie,
this is how i wilt,
the arise of weakness,
harm without intent,
how could i forgive devious indulgence,
if it weren't mine,
let the blood rush to my head.

In the eyes you used to see me through,
Maybe I get a little confused,
It won’t last,
Don’t get so uneasy,
when you see me walking past,
down hallways that exist in your mind,
I have to relive so I don’t forget,
Could be a sign,
You were meant to be mine,
I wish my heart to stone,
I’m bored debating the politics of being alone,
I’ll let you draw the conclusion on your own,
I promise I’ll stop saying how I miss you,
It seems to have lost it’s charms too,
It’s always me finding you,
But I’m leaving it,
Bittersweet endings,
You never heard of.
~You weren’t aware,
I could never find nerve to speak it,
So I keep it unspoken,
Let you go on unknowing,
Chemicals leaking,
Feelings i’m not dealing with anymore,
It’s better to be oblivious,
You don’t know how much trouble I’d be saving,
Tell me different, what would the option bring?

It was vague, you were there,
you were blurred in visions of heat,
it was a moment captured long ago,
came to revisit from my memory,
in this sudden haze you had me,
taken quickly I was high off the amazement hidden in your lips,
You speak to me on a new level,
as if I had dissipated,
fallen closer as a friend,
somewhere deep in my mind at night,
you transcend,
I know what you're after,
everything alters with seasons come and gone,
never will I fully let you go,
And you cross my mind, time to time,
but you've made a home here,
you keep quiet, arising sometimes,
I can never quite make up my mind,
do you leave your door open for me,
If I crawled in would you take me honestly,
But i'm aware reasons behind,
why i'm not beside you now,
they seem so unclear.

Do you wait for me to slowly melt,
into an unpleasant human condition,
so you can find some fault in me,
I was never perfect, it's obvious,
why don't you love me anyway!
I suppose i've carried on too long,
why am I still thinking it could be true,
we'd never stand a chance,
I will falter and you will fall,
have you grown so sturdy,
you tower over me,
i'm here,
i'm the one waiting for you to come around,
funny how positions flip,
I haven't yet decided, it's taken me years to get here,
to reach uncertainty,
beaten in the back of my mind,
this jury can't agree,
i'll always want you,
and to run from you,
what scares me?
do you know?
you can read my mind,
and I know yours better than my own,
you're desperate and loathing,
i'm just bitter,
let's connect!
we could destroy the world with intellect,
I don't want to cause harm,
but maybe you can offer me damage this time,
I'll admit I miss you tonight,
what was my reason,
so irrelevant now,
how could you forgive me so easily?
so cold, so cruel, so ignorant back then.
~A slight longing for the past,
the nights I was falling over,
but you were contagious, I couldn't resist,
the first true person,
embeded with my trust,
the first I want to turn to still,
all these things that live and breathe inside me,
why did I lose the moment,
was I right?
why am I still second guessing?
should I try to mend this,
would you even want me?
long after the picture faded,
silent with the sound of heavy rain,
and your kisses,
that summer night.

the accused cannot be held,
for innocence grips behind,
i'm always guilty to you,
you never rest until you know,
every word exchanged,
what's wrong with wanting more,
if it's all in my head,
there's nothing coming,
i'm sinking underneath,
where's the one to pull me from destruction?
was I the reason, I know i'm not,
it's just imagination,
with the idea set,
why is he silent?
actionless,
after he speaks curiosity,
wait, is it my turn to take the reigns?