i can see when you're talking,
and you look at me,
there's no one else,
how can i imagine you this way?
never believed i could see you in such a soft light,
scent of you behind me,
hard to admit, is this what i want,
so strange, so peculiar,
i can feel within my skin,
i'm going to run,
i don't want to ruin you,
leave you wondering if i'm ever coming back,
when i want to be alone,
i want you with me,
if i gave in,
fear would shake me,
it wouldn't be long until you've found i'd gone,
you're the one person i can't do this to,
how did i find this feeling inside?

free to choose,
where have my options gone?
can't make a simple decision,
always consequences to pay,
don't wish to base the answer,
around you,
how can i keep what i can't grasp?
i am different, and i am quite myself,
why do i crave to become,
everything so out of reach,
i offered you my hand, so subtle,
you refuse, you lose, i'm through,
climbing backwards to where the revelation hit me,
i can't retrace what we've had,
it's only me now,
i've been distracted from fixation.

I think this is the first time I’ve really opened my eyes,
Felt pain, felt beauty,
Have I told you I loved you today,
It might be the only time I’ll ever mean it
Recognizing everything I’m capable of,
I’ve never needed someone else to make me whole,
Appreciating my mistakes and who I’ve become,
Excusing my imperfections, satisfying voids with delight
smiling in pure bliss,
Finally I’ve created my own happiness.

What do you ask of me?
with those pleading eyes,
reaching for something,
i am unaware,
i let you reveal my place,
i had too much to put behind me,
aches to measure your intentions,
unfinished embrace,
will it ever mark a fresh beginning?
how long after lights fade,
i remain a wanton guise,
you decide what days i'm good enough for you,
even when i put my pride on the line,
you can't make up your mind,
branded yours,
i don't want to fight,
cry for me at your convenience,
take me from these haunted reveries,
i can't hold my life for you.

think you can win me over with your delicate charm?
i will hide behind my harsh words spoken,
i may have been a fool for you,
there's no such thing as a second chance,
insight into your head games,
i've gained everything i need to see through your false innocence,
can't believe i offered something so good to someone so undeserving,
what do you have to say in your defense?
i'll never see what i used to
inside you there's nothing,
it's easy to forgive when there's no emotion behind these walls,
so sorry that it took this long,
don't confuse my kindness with affection,
there's no longing in my heart,
keep your assumptions beneath the earth's surface,
the last thing i want to hear,
is your voice whispering my name.

You look better than I remember,
envisioned in my suspicion,
now in this frenzied state,
i am eager to catch you,
the ghost of your kiss, my motivation.
how easily can you be caught?
how could i forget,
such a succulent gesture,
you have me relentlessly,
on the edge of my seat,
have you found someone now?

I'm making all the moves,
but will it be worth it in the end?

i can't hide these raging seas,
itching to be released unto you,
the heat inching towards escape,

can you handle these explosive emotions?
been bottled up for too long,
are you strong enough to be there?
when my surface shakes and shatters,

are you only full of meaningless words,
empty implications,
you sound so enthused,
am i simply seeing what i choose to see,
disregarding what you're doing to me.

If I could tell you everything I want to say.

I'd let go of my insecurities.

Let my heart speak for once without my head getting in the way.

I feel it's real, i've made the mistake.

Would you hesitate to take me back?

Memories more than enough

Leave me smiling to myself at night.

I can't listen to conversations, you're a distraction constantly on my mind.

I want to prove how deep the truth run in these words.

It's obvious.

How impatient i'm growing, restless to make this known.

the sharp purity that captures me, drowning.

Paralyzed by the blue of your eyes.

Against you, slight scent stimulating sweet.

Laughter contagious crawling cocooned in my core.

Slender elevation.

Your crooked tooth.

Unpredicted eruptions of ridiculousness.

These things I adore about you.

All these nights,
you fill my head,
thoughts of what it would be like,
if we could start over again,
the things i would do right,
how perfect it would be,
you'd fold me in your arms,
the world would be so peaceful,
every second, a shining smile,
our warm hearts beating in tune,
ignoring the fact that it's beyond "a little too late",
asking myself why i ended things before i gave them a chance,
now i spend my days picturing what we might have had,
pretending it's still a possibility,
i can't imagine you moving on,
but how could you still feel the same?
certainly funny how you cried when i said goodbye,
now i'm the one dying inside without you,
wishing you'd come rushing back to adore me,
everyone says how you've changed,
someone i hoped you'd never be,
discovered the power you hold within,
blatant in everyone's eyes,
i can't help but find myself weakened by your existence,
i feel as though i should scream to the darkness how i love you,
convince you how blind i've been,
the stupidity i seem to have got caught in,
i've been so wrong all along,
how do i let you know,
i want to keep it discreet,
wouldn't want to build up all the passion
and my guts to find you leaving anyway,
i'm going mad missing you the amount that i do.

I am the only thing running,
How did it feel?
In the end have your thoughts run wild?
Places changed, I’ve seen another side,
Can I face you still the same?
After the morning came the rain,
Never in my favor,
A small delight to savor,
I’m too young to see you through,
Misused feelings I believed to be true,
All my hurt and anger untied for you
The last of those impending seasons,
I could never count the reasons,
I’ve wondered why,
The obligation to deny,
Again left to condone,
The hint of repentance in your tone,
Futile occurrences I slipped away,
The evocations of unifying you delay,
Ascent the extraction of your fascination,
Parting with the scent of sheer sensation,
Incredulity for the shift in fortuity
the little effort you make to hold on to me.

I can see us,
unlike we are now,
the flames were never put to rest,
all along we've been solely for each other,
when it ended it never had the chance to start,
it's been long foreseen,
i always knew i'd come back to you,
took long enough to progress,
from the anticipation,
soon,
we'll make up for the past,
continue what was meant to last,
wound in your arms,
watching tv,
the regret finally caught up to me,
there's never been another,
who could render me so alive,
i hope you're in for all i've got,
ever since i let you go,
our memories have been the only thing i know,
what will you allow me to be to you?
can you trust my deceiving heart this time?
i care more than you'd ever agree to believe.

How can this disappear,
As I escape,
Everything leaves with my departure,
I take with me all the forgotten things,
I didn’t mean to steal any hearts,
All those I could not reach stay behind,
If I had the chance I would have won you over,
Life can’t get any better if I can’t make it complete,
Just the strong arms and bright smiles I don’t want to miss,
When everything I want surfaces,
It’s only then an impossibility,
I don’t want to wait too long,
Days are growing stale,
I’ll never find paradise if I’m looking too hard,
But it’s all I’ve got to dream away the bitter night,
Why am I not getting any closer,
Hidden in words, how do I decipher,
for once I stopped thinking,
and you came around,
how long will the good last,
before the tears reign and stay.

April fell into the dust,
and i arrived to carry you home,
cried to you "dont give up on me",
when you looked away,
silently wishiing me to leave,
my insides dripped through the floor,
you didn't need me anymore,
crawled to the next blackened hole.

For the first time i'm not going to post poetry. I have a lot on my mind and i'm going to unleash it all right here. right now. First of all, it's Christmas, and like every other year I can't sleep. Quite pathetic really, but I don't think it's the excitement of presents and all that fun stuff this year. Possibly it's more along the lines of huge decisions in my life facing me and having no clue what to do about them. Getting the boot from Sheridan and not knowing what i'm supposed to do about it. Do I leave? Do I find another crappy program to half-ass my way through college just so I can stay with my friends? Is there some 'right' decision that i'm supposed to make or will my life end up the same anyway no matter which path I choose? I'm not going to waste my time and money on something that isn't worthwhile, so i'm not going back to Sheridan. But now that i've made that decision, my next step is waiting to be determined. Now that I have to move back home. What will I do with myself? I know as great as my family is, there's just no way i'll be content living with them. It's just too difficult once you've been exposed to living with no rules and restrictions and depending solely on yourself. But do I have a choice? I want to do something with my life. I don't want to just come home and give up and that's it. I want to do things i've always wanted to do. Do I get a job and remain living at home? Maybe it's the smartest option, but I want to do something so I can look back and say "yeah I did it," and have no regrets. I could move to a big city and pursue something like acting, singing or modeling, just for the sake of attempting something extraordinary. There's so many things I want to do. From every big decision I make, there are strings of smaller but just as important decisions to make. It's awful. It never ends. This stresses me out beyond belief. As I have NO clue what to do. So where do I go from here?

What makes me happy?
what will it take?
How long until it finds me?
how do I keep myself in this state of oblivious continuance?
hiding from being hurt,
made too available, a weakness I cannot destroy,
kept awake by scenes of fulfillment,
been searching too thoroughly,
when I seem to reach the answer,
fate tears it from my hands,
feels like i've acquired a lifetime of wisdom,
but yet I can't accomplish life's simple pleasures,
must I rust and be worn down?
why is it taking so long?

Of course disappointment was here to greet me with open arms. But i'm still grinning.

Why did you choose those words so carefully?
turned clumsy and meaningless.
I tried to follow your games,
but they led me further behind than i was before,
are you doing this on purpose?
pulling me closer and pushing me away,
I thought you'd be the last one to treat me this way,
it is that easy for you?
you've never let me down like this,
I wished you'd be the first to take me in,
now i'll have to wander on my own,
it was your decision to set me free,
I refused to imagine a harsh reality,
it should've been what it was last year,
and the spring we spent,
nothing could shake us,
I ran when I discovered,
it was more than i'd ever hoped for,
now I can't go back,
how could I have let you fade?
I want what we once had,
it was always you ready to embrace,
now you've changed your mind and I need you still.

What will become of this journey home?

A new tongue to learn,
I will conform to your convictions,
if you need me to be different,
you can come in,
meandering weightless,
in tune to you,
you can play me til I bend,
I need you like you once needed me,
i'm afraid i'm much too late,
I want to belong,
tangled in your arms,
there were times you couldn't let me go,
suppress me now,
don't let me leave,
I can't bear to watch you disappear,
knowing I didn't try everything,
the dullness that leads my life without you,
you were the spark,
the moon emits your name,
my thoughts are held,
evolving around your face,
where are we supposed to be,
will I awake beside you,
or shiver in the morning still,
how did I let myself become a stranger to your heart,
will I discover what I used to see,
a soft smile to greet me.

Not bad for 5 am. Can't sleep, it's driving me crazy thinking and I can't get rid of these thoughts and worries until I can confirm the way things are.
Prolonged 3 more days. 3 more nights without sleep.

Why has everything grown so clear,
through the haze I saw you,
and I,
never felt more alive,
skin crawling with delight,
I see the side I missed,
I didn't feel before today,
3 days is too long,
when I hear my voice weak and shaking,
yours speaks to me,
I look wide,
the possibility draws me home,
haven't known a happiness,
like the one you've revealed to me,
I didn't look before I lept,
into the inception of your covet,
does it still remain,
my tortured mind repents every ill thought,
you won't ever know,
even if these words I give to you,
the jilted love I bore,
tainted your unforeseen ability to maintain my stability,
your portentuous touch,
I miss the distillation of your spirit.

We meet again.
After so long,
all the shit I put you through,
I stand before you, ashamed and in remorse,
what can I give you,
to make up for the implemented dissension,
I should have kept you safe,
loved with you all the will inside,
i'm days away,
inundated in our history,
you only wished me well,
I delivered a hushed farwell,
untimely tears,
the affect that unsettles my soul,
my destruction of a beautiful thing,
could I ever prevail in the war over your affection,
would it be the same,
i'm still blazing in your ambiance,
will you set me straight,
what you'll take from me.

Everytime I try,
you make it harder on me,
as if my guilt didn't kill enough,
your words come back to haunt me,
I drown you with kindness,
and you strangle me with contempt,
if only you would understand,
what you've been to me,
I love who you used to be,
I deserve a thousand lashes,
but I was blind to your suffering,
you'll never allow me to forget,
confuse me when you speak of reuniting,
how did those pretty thoughts vanish so quickly,
my actions, so childish as I fled and pushed you away,
now that the ugly's gone,
I remember only the beautiful,
and how deep it ran for me,
you became the victim of my cruel hands,
i've never wanted anything more,
than to take back my deviance and mend your wounded heart,
if only there were a way,
i'm so sorry, I should have stayed.

I almost had myself fooled back into thinking,
you're what I wanted,
but deception reminded me,
your honesty never meant that much,
I can be weak if I choose,
your guidance led me to disaster,
but you always wanted me to take your place,
turned out to be a momentary lapse,
swung and left the door open,
my steps embraced the border,
heard my feet race like thunder,
ran to shut me out tight,
yet you look upon me,
pressed against the glass,
begging with your eyes to crack the silence,
waiting for me to witness your change,
pleading me to react,
defending my pride with jealousy's ample gun,
what warped conclusion have you drawn out for me.