I'm still in the same spirits as the last time I posted anything on this blogger. I have nothing to write about anymore. It seems all the same things just keep repeating themselves in my life. How do you write about the same thing repeatedly without sounding repetitive. Doesn't work out so well.. Seriously guys must be messed. Where does their logic come from? Do they even have any? I swear all guys are the same. So frustrating to keep meeting the exact same person only in a different body.
But whatever the circumstance, who cares I mean honestly, what difference does one person make? This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but that's ok! haha.. this is my blog and you just have to deal with that fact. It would just be refreshing to know the next boy I meet won't be a jerk! I have a good feeling that he won't.. as I have met him.. and he seems pretty rawkin.. tho I have been wrong before! I'm a loser! Peace Out.

Ah, guys are such assholes!

Do you take comfort in my presence?
What if I withdrawal,
Who would you turn to?
Who would step up next in line?
It’s been slowly dying,
I’m quickly finding,
This is how it feels to be used,
You make it too easy,
To overestimate my worth,
Tell me where I fit it,
I think it’s time I go,
Leave you standing with your indecision,
Everything you sold me,
Nothing I could keep.

Gotta love those people who you've known for such a long time and don't give you any mention in their life stories yet mention someone who they've met like 5 minutes earlier. Hmmm...consider your point made!
I guess new and exciting things always come first.
Although I suppose there are arguably good reasons behind the lack of mention.. still.. it's always disappointing to discover that you're not worthy of any mention in someone who's played a relatively larger role in your life.
Even if you read this and know i'm talking about you, you probably don't care and don't agree with me. But whatever! Stuff happens.

A despotic wind,
Compelling you,
To reach to me,
When you’ve discarded fear,
To embrace my conceit,
All in a joke to pressure you,
I’m not only wanted by one,
Separated you crave what you cannot have,
My immediacy overtakes yours,
The time you wait patiently,
Passes me in distress,
But the longer we part,
The stronger your drive to have,
Impart me with your negligence,
And your magnetism that I can’t escape,
Give me power over you,
To draw you to weakness as I please,
A phase to grow through,
If I last the tide,
will there be bliss to follow?
Is there an end to your approval?
Am I stuck at this stage?
Fending off my advance,
I’m the one who’s asking for more,
Say it with sorrow,
Force your emotions,
Show me a sign they exist,
You’re not releasing me yet,
What’s your motivation?
Don’t you know what it’s worth?
What are you using me for?
I can hold my tongue,
Leaving things unsaid,
Do you value this more than who I am?
If I pushed it would you get up and go?
A reflection of your vacancy,
But am I victim to your deception?
Unacquainted with the passion that lies inside,
Fill me with what you have in store.

Where I left my plane,
Where I took off,
How I found myself a new land to claim,
How I wished that you were with me,
All the while you were atrocious,
You held innocence,
The pieces of you that I kept,
Can’t breathe without the rest,
But I won’t revive your soul,
The impulse to tend to your cries,
Wrap my ears in silence,
So I don’t hear your voice anymore,
Our encounters I take to the grave,
This box of questions remain unanswered,
Thanks to your generous mouth,
How I hoped one day you’d show me,
What I stayed for,
What little fulfillment you allow,
What affection you saw fit,
You withdraw in the best of hours,
It’s deadening,
You come and retract,
Appear and descend,
Mend my broken mind,
Words kill meaning when conflict hits,
Make what you will with what you’re given,
There’s only one life left in me to lose.

Never knew what life had in store for me,
Struggling with love and careful with my steps,
Mistakes repeat themselves before I have the chance to intervene,
The excitement’s riding high, hoping for one returned to me,
Could this be the one I’ve been waiting for?
It would make so much sense,
I found it in the last place I looked,
We’ve both been wandering,
Searching for our break,
To find things that come with ease,
You shouldn’t have to work so hard,
At what’s meant to be,
Many sleepless nights,
I pictured myself falling from heights too high,
Convinced I’ll never know,
every emotion lies,
what am I feeling now?
so numb and fragile,
you’re so pointless now,
you make me worthless,
i’m not this person,
you mold with your bare hands,
every moment you have to spare,
you hold me until I cannot bear,
the dark solitude ahead,
I’m about to even the score,
I’ve been busy since you put me on pause,
Haven’t been waiting,
anticipating your short lived reunion,
I’ve got my list of replacements.

If I could give you one piece of advice,
stand up and go after what you want,
kuz it’s going to be gone,
if you wait too long,
I’ll be outta here,
It’s unavoidable you’re going to be lonely,
The direction you’re headed,
is set for one, you’re on your own,
is that the way you crave it?
I apologize if it’s a fault of mine,
That’s keeping you from me,
but I’m not wasting my life on impossibility,
it’s always what you turn out to be,
you lose in life what you watch walk away,
it’s the one thing that lingers in your memory,
you came to bargain but lost your gull,
contain your secrets with strict self control,
you won’t allow the speech to pass,
keeping me somewhere in the cold.

I can’t be bothered, I can’t be put up to your tests,
Making me feel as though I’m wanted,
Then throwing it all away,
Your typical dramatic flair,
Romance leads to unfulfilled desire,
flying red flags, signaling you’re much too close,
to something you fear, you will never confess,
words that should come easily,
you press into yourself,
no one will ever know you,
what your heart says,
the root of your confusion,
Why am I a part of your careless ignition?
Toss me out as soon as you get the chance,
I don’t this in my life,
I don’t want to feel like I’m never good enough for you,
Impatience driving me to anger,
I can’t take it, been carried on far too long,
i’m breaking myself off from you,
taking the world in, living without you,
deeply breathing, exalting freedom,
no longer a slave to your dictation,
too independent to be tied to your lips,
your vindictive incursions,
impurity finds me as it leaks your soul,
that’s the symbol you’ve carved,
it's not fair that you win everything.

This painstaking process
I’m saving my strength for the day I’ll need it,
To use against you,
So what if I’m emotionless,
Maybe I soak it up,
Keep it hidden, disguise it from you,
What was once forbidden I raced into,
Disobeyed unwritten laws,
Words I’d never imagined saying,
I leapt into the unknown,
You led me to believe many things,
I’ll never hold the answers to,
I want you near,
But not on your fair-weather terms,
Bring me closer to where you lie,
I haven’t felt your touch in too long,
Enrapt in this game you’ve got me surrounded,
You reveal a little more each time you feel me slip away,
I eat it up, forgetting my purpose,
Carries the blood rush to the surface.

lust and love,
a contridiction,
a sick addiction,
i'm opposed to the idea,
i won't invest faith in anything worth mentioning,
unless proven, can never provide reassurance,
why surrender when i'll implode eventually,
mistrust and misfortune, consistant constants,
when there's nothing left but giving up,
nothing to be discovered but bitterness,
what has come around is as lost as i have been,
you're still not searching,
in your mind, you're so refined,
i'm shrouded in a cloud of deflation,
back in the smallest corner of your head, where you put me,
"stay and wait, for when the feeling's right."
the moments when they come with ease,
no broken contact, i am the queen you pretend me to be,
thoughts, they circle around you,
but everything is on your conditions,
the stipulations you raise for me to compete,
who am i running against?
your lips never part, no sound breaks through,
there's a pause where i dissolve into the background,
i know you'll retrieve me, relieve me.
Do you lie or do you just portray?

It’s not the time,
it’s the way you make it,
and I’m not seeming to be effected,
by what you stake and claim and the mess you make,
I’m independent, you can’t shake that,
It doesn’t mean anything that matters most,
Or I hold close,
It’s easy enough to repair,
What’s not there anymore,
You might be too late,
You’ve lost your place since you left it,
Open for occupation,
I won’t retrace my steps to embrace you back,
No returning to fill what you’ve been lacking,
I don’t expect it,
I know how you see it,
I don’t care how you play it.

I believed what I wanted to,
now I see what i've been missing,
every time I decide you've given up,
you appear to change your mind.
the repetition is growing tedious,
you can never set yourself straight,
there's nothing in the circumstances to fulfill,
after it's worn, it's starts to wear off,
you're not owning up to your worth,
the meaning's decreasing, you're losing your hold,
i'm finding appeal in everything you aren't.

Same old brand of asshole.
~*~
So this will be the bitter end
You deceived me,
As you always do,
Turned out to burn out like the rest,
You can’t stand up to tell me to my face,
Where’s your backbone?
You think I’d really care?
Think there’s tears inside for you?
Sadly mistaken, I knew
I could never trust you,
How you play innocent,
You didn’t fool me,
I’ve just been anticipating it’s arrival,
Do you strive for depletion?
I can’t be deflated, knocked down,
How do things change so rapidly,
When night dissolves your iciness grows,
What are you not benefiting?
my appeal unfit for your taste?
Your approach to inform so unrefined and careless,
Detached and dejected you deemed me,
What’s so wrong with me I find myself here?

My cheeks weren’t rosy until I stayed with you,
Am I reading this faster than I can analyze?
Paranoid from past situations like this,
You held me most of the night,
Still kissed me in the morning,
But the goodbye left me feeling cold,
Did we return to where we started from?
I can’t ask how you feel,
If you were even to answer, I may shatter.
But you’re so different from the rest,
Or are you just a better pretender?
You’re the first person to make me feel completely at ease,
There’s something addicting in your ways,
The only person I’ve thrown my all into,

Too hard to choose to lose the one thing that makes you happy.
I can’t give you up after trying so hard.
Life seems too empty when there’s no reason to smile.
I can’t take the hollow feeling,
Too hard to face,
I’ve failed you and I feel so guilty,
I wish I was stronger, wish I had the time,
So unfair,
What hurts the most is knowing the truth,
No matter how hard I try to convince myself,
Giving away the one thing I wanted most,
I can’t bear to think about it,
I can’t get myself around it,

derailed, you threw me off track,
when you called me back,
when you wanted to see me,
i thought it ended that day in the summer,
when you said you didn't have the time to supply,
i wouldn't see you again,
circumstances improved, does this mean anything to you?
is there reason you've kept me on your side?
will all be depleted?
differences arose when i saw you last,
us shifting to the next,
but will it ever make it past?
i don't think you want the trouble.
the satisfaction in your actions
is enough for me to reconsider.
so which is it then?

you want me hopeful,
you want me bright and unattainable,
but you know how easily i fold in your arms,
there's a break in motion,
an ache i can't cure,
you're reminding me,
how weightless i used to be,
if we've made it this far,
can i count on progression,
not regression,
and a hand held proud?
will i be right this time?
Will I stay,
In reverie with you,

Happiness sucks! Kuz as long as you're in that state, you can only anticipate the end.

Where it stops and it goes,
Where your heart lies nobody knows,
Couldn’t you love, wouldn’t you give it all?
Just to take the plunge, for the high of the fall,
More than willing, others wait for you,
But in your mind this is a game,
Without realization your intentions cruel,
I don’t want to be the one who gets left behind,
But where the warmth grows and burns your cheeks crimson,
So silly to believe perfection can survive,
I’m waiting for the worst to come,
Render me surprised,
Open my eyes,
To find your feelings never changed.
Will you ever be so sure,
For the first time without confusion and conversion,
Discover satisfaction in one.
~*~
I’m always looking for deeper answers,
Kuz you’re never letting me in on anything,
So much I want to learn,
But if you can’t tell me, still I’ll yearn.
Stop saving up your mystery,
It’s only adding to my misery.
I keep replaying those sweet moments,
Incase they suddenly are stolen away.