Wasn't it easy to pretend?
but i'm not pretending anymore,
it's everything I mean,
it's about time I was able to discover,
just how long the feelings have been gone,
that's it, and there's the end,
i'm glad it's in the past now,
I realized too late,
I was meant to be the girl you wanted but could never have,
there's no turning back,
I have no regrets,
i'm absolutely dry of anything I once held for you,
don't think for an instant that you had any control over me,
don't you ever wonder why?
all i'm looking for is anyone but you,
you need distraction,
i'm already over you,
please don't flatter yourself,
i'm always the better person,
on the brink of insanity,
living my life the way I should be,
you're isolated in your cold, lonely capsule,
seems a depressing fate is awaiting you,
i'm not surprised,
look how you torture yourself.

It's the little things that matter most, the littlest things can turn a person off. It's the littlest things that can provide a whole new outlook on feelings that you thought were really there.

How big has the void grown?
you know I was your way out,
your only escape from loneliness,
have you gradually begun to see,
just how wrong you've been,
do you want me back in your life?
just say it,
prove to me your worth,
how good things will be,
kuz i'm close to caving,
tell me what i've been waiting to hear,
i'll be the first to say goodbye,
catch a tear in the corner of your eye,
why do you think you're so superior to me?
what makes you so self assured?
where'd you get the confidence?
what gives you the right,
to make me feel so small beside you,
remember I was the one to bend,
to accommodate for you,
I hope you're caught up,
let me let you know,
i'm not burning for you,
not yearning for you,
you're just a washed up lost long ago mistake,
but I want the opportunity,
to walk away from you.

Naters, Thank you so much for being so amazing to me! You've always been there for me!

What I wouldn't give to have you beside me,
my eyes sting when you tell me over the distance how you miss me,
"if I were there i'd lay beside you and play with your hair until you fell asleep"
everything I needed to hear came tumbling out,
what more could I ask for,
the best friend that I ever encountered,
rising in my struggles to support and love me unconditionally,
my life is such a pleasant place,
exploding with vitality,
your presence makes the difference between my good and bad days.


~*~

The letters that I wrote,
I can never send you,
all those emotions, the passion that I unveiled,
you overlooked and dismissed,
threw into the stormy engulfing waters,
tied to an anchor I sank,
how foolish I felt,
buried my head in the sand,
when I resurface will you,
change your mind,
my collegiate assumptions,
but you can't wave your hand and make existing feelings disappear,
you were just as rapt in the occasions as I,
I held it closer and you wished it to wilt and expire,
how could your desperate kisses be announced "so insignificant",
what didn't I do right,
to warrant your revulsion,
was I too willing to give?
now I seethe inside not knowing any truths to your contentions,
the belligerence that blisters,
the foundation of your aim to harm yourself only made me amend with dejection.
Was that your purpose?
Why can't you set this straight so I can understand, why make me wonder?
Why make me despise you for all you've done.
Not even you know.

I have so much work I should be doing. Instead I choose to accomodate my lazy side. A test on Thursday, a layout assignment tmw, work tmw as well. Running on 3 hours of sleep. I don't think life gets any better than this.

I know the strife you've endured,
but if you could see from another perspective,
step out of your shoes,
live again without this heavy heartache,
the ups and downs of love,
leading you to sorrow,
caught in a content corruption,
the sun in the sky,
will shine once again,
If I could steal the struggles,
release you into a bright day,
it will come to you,
exhilaration will devour,
you needn't worry,
luck comes easy,
don't you recognize,
all the potential you possess,
the gazes you absorb with dulled eyes,
despair can't survive forever,
divine moments are on the way,
all the pain from those delicate memories,
will fade with strength,
I sense the will within you,
ease yourself, part with darkness,
graceful misery,
please don't be so sullen,
all wounds heal with time.

A time for change,
everyone around me dances in the spotlight,
i'm heading for the shadows,
there I will remain hidden,
how can I morph into the creature you want more than I,
must I transform into,
a brilliant shell in order to be good enough,
your distinctive taste,
dissatisfied with my current existence,
and still the beauty and truth in my words you could never compare,
with every breath,
i'll show you what i'm made of,
I touched the place you'd never allow yourself to acknowledge,
i'm still waiting for the day,
you return to me to find you can't resist,
surrender before you drown in my compelling seas.

I'd come so far,
I thought I made it through,
ever since you said to forget,
I had myself convinced,
Why am I shaking inside?
you returned to haunt my memory,
the last thing I wanted,
I don't care about you,
I just need what I can't have,
drives me to the absolute end,
every little reminder,
invokes the night's events,
they reoccur in my head,
I felt so strong, so secure,
i'll never admit you're still my weakness,
you're still my enemy,
I will overcome,
I will show you everything you'll be missing,
you betrayed me,
lead by these confessions,
you can't even face me,
you're a frightened child,
plead me, knock down this wall you've constructed,
to keep me away,
but you still see me while you sleep,
or have you erased me from every part of you?

I don't think I can do it,
Just sinking, resting,
I'm hovering in the midst,
above reality,
my mind is empty of any thoughts,
I think i'm getting further,
into a better position,
it's the first time i've felt like myself,
not caught up in some meaningless fixation,
i'm grounded and I finally fit into my skin,
Busy with the rush of life,
i've been putting it off,
so unfamiliar,
what matters most always reigns,
it's about time I realized,
I see everything as it is,
no scenic distractions,
I won't change for anyone,
I like where i've found myself,
Not ever leaving,
this attitude that's bloomed,
puts so much behind me,
the difference is infectious,
the consequence is so humbling,
I don't look down anymore,
watch me shine.

Fix your eyes,
do they stay in one spot?
I concentrate too hard,
and i'm tripping over clumsy feelings,
they're unnecessary,
i'm so relieved,
now that all this mess has passed,
now I see how great I can be,
when I look at the sky,
the stars spell out my name,
there's something bigger waiting for me,
impatiently anticipating,
beautiful captivity,
blinking, growing accustomed to my fresh eyes,
you've never looked stranger,
I don't even remember who you are,
i've been smiling every since that day,
everything you stole just faded away,
i've never been better,
knowing I never needed to depend on you,
in your eyes, I know there's tears,
though suppressed, you're crumbling inside,
holding all the sorrow,
you'll never have me to hold again.

It said it was coming,
maybe you realized,
it's always been me,
now that i'm gone,
isn't that convenient,
could I be the reason why,
you wrote those words?
what's behind,
have I gotten to you this time?
a moment too late,
it's about time that you break,
the smoke is rising,
it always seems to be,
you fall for me,
as soon as I decide i'm through with you,
too bad you missed out,
it's not so simple,
while i'm not at your disposal,
no no no no,
the words sound tough,
but you're so tender inside,
nothing's how you thought it would be,
and i'm alright,
my absence hits you in the weakest place,
now you're not sure of anything.

Look at me,
I can stand proud without you,
I think i'm happier this way,
nothing should change,
you took up too much time,
what a shame I wasted more than a little,
at least now I don't have to worry anymore,
i'm comfortable now,
this is me,
not the desolate stranger I used to be,
you formed me with your bare hands,
I couldn't conform to the way you wanted me,
look at me bounce back,
submerged in all things that lead me to contentment,
I could never devote myself to someone devoid of any emotion besides misery,
how can you live that way?
you're the last detail I sought after,
was I always just the answer to your desperation?

~*~

From the backseat,
jammed in tight,
you're that close,
stretched across and heavy,
I can see you're looking in all the wrong directions,
so you're hurt, doesn't mean you've lost all your charm,
it's working on me,
you're too blinded to see,
if you've got any love inside to spare,
I can use some charity,
only if you will,
there's a discovery unfurling before your eyes,
do you look right past it?
you probably know any way,
no words are necessary,
I can say what I feel,
but it only gets me in trouble,
hasn't been returned in ages,
what's the use of risking it,
maybe in a little while,
when your wounds have healed over,
we can meet again in a different light,
i'll take you and keep you safe and warm.

Can you still feel my fingers trace circles on your back?
I was certain it was in your arms that I belonged,
this is so unlike you,
but are you scared by the feelings you found?
were you overwhelmed by guilt?
why did you deny yourself from such perfection,
is hurting me the answer?
did pushing me away cure your misery?
I know you felt as much as I,
you were dying inside,
needed my kiss before you shattered to pieces,
now you've run away,
you can't control your actions,
it was never me, always the blamed,
it's yours for the taking,
my power over you makes you feel like less of a man,
you can't take it,
pressuring you until you crack,
you'd never accept true happiness,
you don't feel like you deserve it,
i'm starting to agree with you,
sad you'd turn down the one chance you had,
to outlet all the pain and passion you keep inside,
so fragile and small you have become,
no sight for a weak heart like mine,
you captured me with a beautiful voice,
but it can't win you everything,
look what you missed out on.

~*~

You'll never do better,
I actually believe what they've been saying,
I have to laugh,
when I remember what I ever saw in you,
I gave so much,
nothing in return,
wasn't a lot I wouldn't do for you,
why did I fall for you?
should have seen this from the beginning,
you weren't good enough for me,
you never tried to match the love I had for you,
you can't even express yourself,
held so much from me,
how could you have sufficed,
when I told you everything,
I asked the sky for answers,
it explained more than you,
you never made sense,
i'm still buried in confusion,
this puzzle you left me to unfold,
will it ever reveal the truth,
the reasoning behind,
you sold me out,
to beggars and thieves,
open up and let me in,
everyday without you feels like a sin.

I don't even think about you anymore,
every once vivid moment is a distant image,
your vocation is the only aspect i can't see past,
it sticks beneath my skin,
why'd you have to sing so sweetly,
you proved to me that you've never deserved the adulation,
still you act like you were falsely accused,
and that I could never belong,
even though you gave me your affection,
mystified when you switched back and forth,
the only thing I ever wanted was to render your happiness.

Could there be reason behind your actions? The possibility remains.

Could it be just an excuse?
perhaps a sign,
you'd like to get closer,
the questions I ask,
to the answers I already know,
potential promise,
I am alert and I am ready,
just waiting to hear those words,
that may be near,
I caught the glare in your eyes,
saw something there,
it wasn't just a friendly stare,
you look away,
and my heart dances,
so slow and it sings a hopeful song,
you take your time,
evaluating me in your mind,
how could I ever do you wrong?
so blatant and honest,
your words strike me speechless,
my cheeks crimson,
my awkward existences unfolds,
the opportunity left open to be fulfilled.

As I stood,
in the doorway,
there your eyes were introduced to mine,
all at once,
a collision I wanted to last,
the impossibility exists,
your gentle manner,
would never harm a sensitive soul,
never a kinder exchange,
progressing to an exquisite stage.

~*~

Every Word,
all the things I wish i'd said,
maybe I could have spared us falling apart,
i'm living in denial,
making excuses for your behavior,
if I could i'd just close my eyes,
and push you right out of my mind,
I wonder if you paused for even a moment,
to consider,
how I felt,
wrapped up in your selfish actions,
all I ever craved was an explanation.

Some moments may grow dark, but rain is a beautiful thing.

I am sleeping between,
craddled somewhere safe,
away from any harm,
though sometimes I still think,
about the warm nights we spent,
i am unperplexed by your carelessness,
sheltered from any impending violations,
my strength's inspiring and expanding,
so let your distaste for me shine in all it's glory,
make it easier for me,
it's never been a struggle,
secluded in my smiles,
I won't let you put the storm in the sky,
everything is more than just fine.

I know the next time,
I see you, i'll be numb,
when you look at me,
I won't be weakened,
you'll sit in your dark corner,
making eyes with all the options,
but that won't last,
until your empty glass hits the table,
you will arise,
searching for someone you'll never find,
i'll be on the other side of the door,
moving on, moving up,
you're shrinking, losing your head,
maybe that's an improvement,
it's best for all of us,
my heart's safe out of your reach,
you'll never know a touch more divine than mine,
the pieces never will,
fit together, your actions go unexplained,
is your mind that empty?
couldn't you see how much I cared?
you're too much unlike the person I first met,
that possessed your name,
you aren't the same,
what an unanticipated twist,
how could you, how could you?
but i'm weary enough to forget,
what did you expect from me?

What's lost is gone, but I won't let you carry on. I'm not that stupid to realize, what in your eyes is the real prize. You never cared about me. Now i've become everything I want to be. Honestly why do I settle for second best? I'm through with that.

It's hard to think about,
how you've lead me on for so long,
how cold hearted you must be,
she explained it perfectly,
"emotionally those nights meant something to me"
the reality stung, they never meant anything to you,
you had the audacity to act like I was nothing,

I hope you'll ache without my presence,
need me when i'm not around,
you've only made me stronger,
one day you'll come back begging,
I wish you will,
so I can remind you of how I felt,

i'm not devestated,
I may be hurt, but i'm not shedding tears over you,
you had the chance and now it's gone,
there won't be any more,
you've never been worth the mess,
i'm not worried about losing you,

I know when I find somebody,
he'll be way better than you,
i've never been blind, I just denied the truth,
came back and now i'm thankful that I can get over you,
it won't be hard I promise that,
I thought you deserved it,
but I was mistaken,
you fooled me with your convincing softness,

but that's the last of you,
good riddance to my confusion and my heart's contusions,
your mind games and false pretensiousness,
i'm glad to see you go.

That's just fine,
It's not like i need you,,
it would be nice,
but i'm not looking for a waste of time,
it's just as easy to say goodbye,
don't be fooled by my exaggerated words,
it could be divine but i'm just as happy on my own.
If you've got the nerves to endure,
if you don't have the strength,
i don't have the will.

The ramblings after the effects of tequila rose/peach schnapps and gin.

If positions were flipped,
and it was me up there,
would you be held captive in my voice?
i'd have you under my control,
would i care?
can't you rescue me from this despair,
and it's quiet when i think,
thoughts of you above me,
it's too hard to hate you,
for making me so naive,
i stepped out in the snow today,
caught snowflakes on my tongue,
all the while wishing you were beside me,
how can love be so simple to disguise,
when it bursts from my seams,
do i melt your heart sometimes?
is there any way to get through to you,
have you built defenses,
to keep me out,
have i gotten close?

~*~

it's no secret anymore,
when you press your face to mine,
and say what you said,
hands in my hair,
it's become publicly aware,
this time it was your mistake,
it doesn't make any sense,
when you try to hide it,
the next our fingers intwined,
all the world can see,
isn't that what's keeping us apart?
the bind has broken,
we layed it out clear,
for everyone to witness,
so why'd you let loose?
you were all over me,
it's so obvious now,
so why are we still pretending?
if regret overcomes you,
i will walk away from us,
leave you to figure out where you went wrong,
i've done everything i can,
if it's not enough,
your offer's not good enough.

Time takes away the drops of a long forgotten day.

Weightless, with all my unimaginable thoughts,
So I still alone,
My life’s a mundane dream,
Standing to be corrected for my misperceived perception,
The mounting ardour becomes apparent in your sights,
A sigh and one whisper that fades,
“can we restore these memories”,
you said it but the words were mine,
stunned, a dishevelled you, knew I put those words in your mouth,
recollecting, you deemed me worthy of repute,
decline the opposition, greet me with defeat,
easily able to resist, why am I here,
a victim of misconstrue, you had me,
though I recognized your ploy for confusion,
I played along, held blind by my affection,
Haven’t grasped the relation between your words and convergence,
So sundry, with discrete emotion elasticity,
The innocent honest intentions, exist evidently,
Repetitious as I relish preceding days.