I love inspirational music. At last a song that propelled me into writing.




Curse this romantic imagination,
it’s infectious conciliation,
The counterpart of what we can be convinced,
The reality of it is heartbreak,
How we can both be moved by something,
And feel so connected,
While we’re both so far away,
Live such separate lives,
wishing to intertwine,
All that’s yours and mine,
I’ll believe your mind is inquiring,
When it’s still fastened to the seams.
Your general disinterest in analysis,
Questions you will never ask,
another bend, I become lost behind,
what comes next.
Finally a frequency that suits me.
But I’m almost inaudible.

I seek to receive what I can never retrieve.
There must be a cure.
Ultimately what I abhor, I adore.
I must be a masochist, locking myself in your chains.
Nearing the verge of fracture,
I can no longer withstand pretending nor your pretension.
I have been your consistency when you needed me.
My patience has expired, wishing for love to retire.
Poured into a bottomless cache.
A release, some relief, if I must let go.
Too burdensome for my soul to bear at length.
Comfort in leaving the truth in your ear.
Now your response, allow me to predict.

When logic begins to listen to the heart,
What it wants, what it will never have,
Cannot leave the past to rot,
The cycle should have turned to soil by now,
Nothing grows, no richness sown,
Infected by the traces that blight the new.
Irruptive, I’m indignant.
Hell hath no fury like a woman ridden with malady.
Bore by your compression,
bet you wish you could reverse.
Wasn’t such a wise exercise.

More random bits

It’s cruel to guard the truth
All the measures we take to delude ourselves,
Clung to undue hope,
Would be better spent letting go…
But you never know
Won’t let this impediment take control.


This robot heart is revived,
Knots tied and winding tighter,
Answers unknown are grating my skin,
Hung up my sanity,
I didn’t want to be,
Pushing pushing pushing,
If I could infact retract,
I’ve been attempting to recoil,
Impede the incoming,
To reclaim my barren state,
Deflect your desiccated dialogue.

I have finally forced time to rekindle my habitual writing.

Didn’t see a struggle,
When it came to fighting feelings for you,
suppression isn’t easy as planned,
designed to be deliberate,
transient
now an unconventional compulsion,
I find myself acting,
Before thinking,
Admission refusal,
Convincing myself confused,
A dissoluting dissuasion,
I can’t lose you even if wish to,
When I’m waning, I want you more

As clumsy as we are,
a lesson in primacy,
shedding trivial principles
and sovereign intuitive instincts.

I have managed to sneak some poetry into my current design project. Seems the only way I could find the time to write these days.

1.
I will defy
set restrictions
in place by someone else
standards I refute
forego forbearance
contrived for contrition
so long i’ve been desisted by decorous decree
free to follow through uninhibited
activate the unabashed

2.
A day to negate
which i belied at night
a furtive fervour
too much trouble to trace
tepid and taciturn
steps to stave the morose maudlin

3.
Just a quick confusion
before notes start to blur
longing to be left
clinging to the crimson
light in a familiar valley
a chimera in bloom
emotive and alive
married to the paper
crinkled under heavy pens
has sworn its secrecy
most diligently
didactic dictionary staring back at me
the words come with fluidity

I’ve got a lot of pain,
That I work hard to disguise,
Behind each smile,
There lies a suppressed strain

I can feel it coming on,
With a shiver down my spine,

So many wonder why,
But I can’t explain,
Like some fucked up phenomenal eclipse,
With the moon rising, the gnawing starts
I am powerless to its resolute army
Despite defeat, it ceases to deter me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I can be as still as a statue,
frozen as a deer caught in headlights,
it's no surprise,
the product of my mechanical insides,
enacted as a camouflage,
the fear of being noticed,
but never wanting to fade.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You shouldn’t worry I have been unfastened for eons,
But I will forever be able to cradle the one I used to love,
And still watch you leave in the morning,
You might not understand,
But I can live like this,
go years with an absent kiss,
I wouldn’t prefer it that way,
If there’s another choice, I am unaware.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a man like you,
How would I cope?
I’m not used to being copasetic
Cohesive
Molded into what being alone has made me,
Irresolute.
Holding out for something supreme,
I quit taking in the rogues,
A sharp halt to rationing provisions,
Stay open, stay hoping,
Optimism has long abandoned,
But I’ve settled into a blissful unconsciousness
I know nothing but self-reliance.
Everything italics
I kill the idea before it swells,
and wait for someone to hunt me.

We were just kids,
You were a slum I visited out of pity,
during a mission to alleviate my conscience,
Your actions nothing less than contemptible
No matter how much you profess to have reformed,
You are just as misguided as you ever were.
It’s a relief that you’ve discovered you’re inadequate,
Because I’m not strong enough to turn away a beggar in need.

Would it make a difference,
If I bullshit,
What sequence in the universe would shift?
How would you ever know?
Humanity has lost me,
Who would want to be a part?
A society of surface design,
Nothing beyond esthetic,
It’s fucking pathetic,
We’re all too lazy to make a change,
too disinterested to say anything,
attention consumed by our romance with technology,
in love with robots and onscreen personalities
pedophiles and online predators,
could be charming in conversation,
choosing sterile over tactile,
without delay,
I prefer the touch of human flesh,
A prolonged climax,
A physical caress
Nothing is more magnetic,
Chemistry can’t be cumulated via automation.
artificial simulation cannot emulate legit stimulation.

3 Separate tangents, but presented in one go for a quick catch-up!

All this time, I’ve managed to compartmentalize

Keep you out of mind,

Still I hold a shred of hope,

That maybe in the future,

I will be your bric a brac
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

How untamed you’ve become,

It’s laden in your ancestry, A life I long to live,

You construct the profundity I seek,

An exemplary example,

With passion you preach your practice,

Adventure on your tongue,

It’s written in our history,

A connection not undone,

Compulsion to coincide with nature’s implicit delicacy,

We fight for the same team,

Years before we nought knew the venues we’d explore,

Would align our paths.

It’s impossible to ignore your ubiquitous masculinity.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Let me take one moment to address this,

Your impetuous impediment,

Winding yourself in a wheel,

Derailed and headed for destruction,

Too eager to please,

Too egoistic to lift a finger,

Fuck the endeavor to salvage,

May the feeble fall,

If they shatter, you won’t answer the call.

Every woman for herself.

A trite tactic,

Contrived from discordance

A status change, the real reason has a name,

and she’s true to your tastes.

I'm so fucking tired of this,
letting my heart take precedence,
it only curls up next to trouble,
sleeping with an enemy that I know will crush me,
the lengths I bend and extend to please another,
simply sentence me to suffer,
is it a choice?
is the will my own?

A family full of fakes,
if the truth is too painful,
they can't face it.

I like you because you never shield what is real,
I'd rather the injury than the indemnity,
the ones I love are liars,
how am I expected to just accept it?

This spoon you've thrust down my throat,
I've tried to spit out, but you keep forcing your inculcated fiction.

Please bring me amnesty, spare me a life of expurgation,
a profession of pacification.
I won't visit you on the isle of denial.

And I curl up, close my eyes and imagine a cocoon,
crawling up around me,
like a second skin that I can escape in,
turn on the sound, slow and considerate,
my mind racing forward,
scenes, substance of only dreams,
withering under the realm of reality,
inconceivable, simply not feasible.

(A vessel with no words, a shell scratching pen, making hapless marks. Dry is the opulence, drank by avaricious others, til pockets aplenty. Left to remain inane, thought to have surmounted. Your surrogate muse, in proclivity, you address me + I adhere, wishing to remove the label, but it's sewn so deeply.)

This poem doesn't feel finished yet, although I've got nothing to add at the moment.

We can’t leave the past alone,
But still progress,
Have we any traces of who we used to be?
Untied all the knots to each other,
I can’t unfasten myself from you,
I’m tired of giving and not getting back
Impossible to ascertain how far your feelings extend,
Our faces grinning at one another,
Weightless inclination in my chest,
I reel and refrain, from what my body begs me to do,
instead I wait for you to move,
at this rate, we are travelling nowhere,
but safely where we can be upheld,
and composure comes easily.
My absent mind betrays me to amuse you,
As long as I make you laugh,
I’ll be the object of ridicule.

Always a little too honest,
Far too eager to share,
A desire to please you,
Overrides my obstinacy.

Live a humble life,
meandering in melancholy,
a break in the sashay, in an artificial way.
I can't tell a story,
but I follow the strings,
they tug and tear at my heart,
a palpitating interruption,
I dug out the tincture,
a subtle strum is soothing,
the weakness is waning,
warrant of a wraith.
Everybody wants an echo,
a record to beat,
a sudatory heat.

Are you evading me?
Did I rupture the unscathed surface, of some contented plateau?
where were we traveling?
never setting foot beyond safety,
I am tired of not taking action,
but I don't want to take advantage of your ambivalence,
it frustrates me that you live between extremes, no fluctuation,
your lyrics mislead, falsifying personality.
when it's only endless flat topography.

I went home and to see my wonderful friend Veronica get hitched in Cuba over the Easter break. Some writing went down and were recorded in my travel book. Here are my thoughts as they appear.

As you can tell by the title/scribbles, I wrote this on a very bumpy bus journey.

Being outside on a beautiful day is very conducive to poetry flow.

Why not amalgamate a couple of ostracized poems that have been sitting on the sidelines!

It's all just noise,
in my ears, I can't focus,
invading my sleep,
they are getting through to me,
I've gotten so good at forgetting you exist.
Making up my mind,
then recant.
Answers while cataleptic,
this could be a disaster.
Asphyxia contigo.
Assay with a closed eye.
What is your intent?

I have it, but I will lose it as soon as..
if you don't cultivate it,
it needs attention.
Cannot expect me to carry a penchant for an unresponsive party.
I dropped the atom,
but you must be bomb-resistant.
I didn't take shelter,
slivers of skin and shrapnel.
greeted by apathy,
Your equivocality is infuriating.
Just another incision in the framework.

I miscalculated your predilection for our antiquity.

Sticky note poem 1.

More sketch book poems! I may have already posted these digitally, but thought I would toss these in to shake things up.

The time I spend with you in my head,
I am your mirror mirror on the wall,
projecting the image you want to see,
but your attention is only directed inwards,
inconsideration, let me dry your boots,
you've been pacing in muddy fields again.

Self-reflection was never meant to extend,
beyond the lengths you push it.
I thought the bubble would burst,
its flexibility must be boundless.

Surmounting tendencies are palpably overlooked.
I don't want to be your ego food.

Another aneurysm,
you slam dunk it down my throat.
Only too eager to dispel my theory,
blot out my increment of hope,
at a perilous moment.

Now everything has been excavated,
it that what you were after?
To stifle my song?

Inflation didn't last long.
You were armed ready with the needle.

How life can change,
from one day to the next,
each breathes different than the last.

A surprise, you might be my kind.
Reading a fresh expression in your eye,
is it the light of the ethereal moon?

The feeling fades,
as ephemeral as it dithered,
you are looking less refined,
still pleased to see me.

The tone dies transitory.
I forget to watch for your ocular exposé,
exerting an efflux of futile dialogue.
You allow the wind to carry it away,
rousing a rout.

What is the depth of the connection?
I wish I could sense it,
without gaiting back bemused.

I feel like there's some dishonesty,
in the way you speak to me,
swayed to believe what is ours is mine,
something genuine.

It must be an illusion,
you paint every charm you collect.
Remuneration for loyalty,
I see it exhibited publicly,
the special quality that subsisted and your credibility,
waned.

Something different. Since the majority of my poems are scribbled decoratively in my sketchbook or loose paper, I thought I would include it's original format, instead of boring bits of text.


In case you can't read the poem part, this is what it says:

A symposium of feeling,
make me a marionette,
tangled in thread you have tied to me,
please make your entrance,
visions that swathe,
I am eager and waiting,
trivial are the thorns embedded,
your softness is inviting.

These lines have been open,
For quite some time,
And the conversation is getting heavy,
Incinerating, like a slow coal fire,
The idea is burning in the back of my head,
Nostalgia is appetizing,
Where’s the harm when we’ve been there before?
I know all your escapades,
But it doesn’t make a difference,
Let’s disregard the consequences,
And bask/marinate in our glory,
When I need a shoulder,
You use your sleeve to dry my eyes,
Complete the cylinder,
I’ve become quarry to your intonation,
I can’t eradicate this phenylethylamine path.

I had these scribbled in my notebook from daydreaming during class, even though they stink.. at least it served its purpose!

I am not a ghost I know,
but still a hollowed existence,
I dreamed of change,
now I can't shake that eerie feeling,
I grew and became estranged,
Who am I, I ask you,
Someone so familiar must hold all the answers,
Too far from where I left myself,
Days where I fall into my old skin are few and far between,
Could it be in a language I learned?
Taken by it.
This must be some transition.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have seen you before,
you recognize my face,
could it be I have created a lasting impression?
will you reveal yourself slowly?
can we find each other?
glimpses of sides I seek,
intangibly, uncontrolled intrigue,
synthesized with my style,
drawn in by your warmth,
resplendent resonance inside,
please keep communicating.

this is potentially unfinished...

These secrets I will never tell,
Private penchants held,
To keep just for me,
A chemistry that feeds,
Delving deeper each time we meet,
I fumble to function,
Umbrella me with your indigenous romanticity,
Qui faites ce pas?
Etch your way in,
I’m an amorist, perpetually spilling.

In the shadow of what was to come,
you followed me home,
through barriers and warning signs,
we should be wearing armor,
reigniting what began years before,
I led you from a lover’s watchful eyes,
Into seclusion,
no one can emulate our history,
a lost perception dawned,
I didn’t hesitate
with bare persuasion,
recurrent implications that never thrived,
still animate and held at the pinnacle,
possessed by necessity.

I don’t want to be spineless,
The more you reveal, the less we want to see,
Those girls frighten me,
Layering to pretend,
Bearing to conceal,
It’s all publicity,
Desperate ploys,
Extremity is effective in deprecation,
Generational loss of principles,
A cry for an apposite paradigm.
Life isn’t easy,
I refuse to be,
You have to work to get at me,
The Thickest of walls,
You have to climb,
A maze of questions,
You have to navigate correctly through
Otherwise you lose.

Truth tails consequence,
Immediate as breath on cold air,
Wouldn’t you rather know than wonder?
Recovery goes faster,
When the verdict comes in,
Words can be rewritten,
But no song is the same,
It’s impossible to remove meaning,
if it lingers in one vessel,
you rarely leave my mind,
but I’m emotionless and artic inside,
I didn’t plan it, bless its convenience,
I’m full of stuff I rejected before,
it’s bloody useless without someone to test it on,
i could desert all my belongings,
assume another name,
I have this idea to start over
To guarantee a better go.
I do not ask for what anyone else has,
A bespoke man

How can I lose my expectations?
Without them I would be relieved
of such heavy a burden,
Nothing is ever as it appears,
It is endless,
And I am endlessly disappointed,
The fog is thick,
And I keep wandering further,
Deeper into the confusion,
There is no search party,
No hope for the lost,
Vines clasped around my ankles,
There is no escape,
Faithless, what is the aim?
Turning bitter and cruel,
Dark places are ever more inviting,
I draw upon these holes for creativity,
salvation exists in the brightness of life,
so am I doomed?

I hate to think,
My mind likes you,
Drawing hearts,
Piercing arrows thread thoughts together,
I am irrevocably transcendent,
To the clouds, where I remember, all the illuminate details,
The compulsion to stay when it seemed opportune to leave,
Hesitant to disclose a clue,
In the moment I said yes,
But logic was miles behind,
It has since caught up,

If the spot continues,
My fondness might digress,
I am not a prepared opponent,
I’d rather fall into fluency

This latest one is a bit of a mish-mash that has been slowly accumulating on a sticky note!

My life has had its ass kicked.
It is incredible my lungs are still working.
that they didn't suffocate by the blood filling
my cavernous insides.

all this contextual meaning.
I abhor your contradictory character.
feigning interest until vanished,
what happened to enlightening honesty?
secret condescension
unaware until it sinks in and i feel the sting.
you can't say what i see is wrong, when it is lain out on the table.
please spare me the clarity,
lies spat clothed as viable excuses,
you're the fool remember.
fading into the walls.
it is a shame you are exactly the same shade.

I would prefer vitriolic indemnification
to this barren indolence you have given me.

i am the violin,
i just want to be rocked in your arms,
to be soothed by your song.

Why do we always need what is so out of reach?
I never know what it is I am searching for,
A drastic change from day to day,
I keep hoping I will recognize when it ambles in.
An overwhelming necessity to flee from everything.
Afraid to be bruised,
although repeatedly abused,
I have an uncomfortable urge to save the world,
but my idle hands don't know where to start.
Staying stationary is the easiest solution.
I will never wholly admit defeat.

Forgotten, you sat idle,
Waiting to implode,
A simple greeting,
My heart’s embracing,
All these notions to keep you,
Like a match stricken, you’re engaging my ignition,
Clearing venues for my eager mind to race in circles,
Nurturing inclinations,
Don’t be the failing optimist,
I’m already counting days,
All our coinciding idealities,
Concrete the setting realization.
You must oblige.

Clouds pass like roadside scenery,
I am watching out my window,
To a song that sings your name,
How much is coincidence, how much is indication?
Slowing to the pace of my racing heartbeat,
Should we spend our lives waiting?
For a moment we can seize ourselves,
A simple answer,
I want that which resonates and intrigues me.

I am a professional pretender,
I have even fooled myself,
But for who’s sake?
Could we ever just be friends?
Kill this wretched chemistry?
Now it’s you or never,
I wish you would choose,
Instead of saying you’re confused.
Perhaps it’s best to forget a penchant held for someone two continents apart.
I want to be the one weakening you to your knees,
Crawling through your veins, can’t get me out,
Causing chaos in your heart,
driving you to the brink.
A hit you crave constantly,
More and more and more,
Fly a million miles to find me.
Sacrifice your life for love.
If you asked I would too.

You come in at the right time,
Conducive to my condition,
Last time I felt nothing,
But why then does this nervousness arise?
Must mean you haven’t let me go,
I’d like you to persist with a greater force,
Make it a public profession,
love me until you are barren.
May the knowledge of my departure lure the words to your lips.

I can almost feel the air change,
when you walk towards me.
It’s as though we’ve reverted back several years,
And the way you used to want me,
Here we lay as adults needing,
The romance of our youth,
What it meant and still means,
I haven’t sorted out.
And you ask me the criminal question,
“what are you thinking?”
for once the inquiry wasn’t mine.
I answer nothing in honesty,
But you suspect a lie.
I want to shred your diffidence,
Cultivated love.
I cannot be so inclined, to rely on encounters of this kind.
Only embrace the mere moments I have to swathe you.

And you joke cruelly, but I have been inoculated.
I still adore your foul mouth.
I’ll take it while your hands mat my hair.
Criticize my city and boast about your own,
I wait for an enticing invitation, to share your home.
Your ambiguous insinuations,
As we sway by stars and candlelight.
You drop the brash as tenderness takes over.
All my senses screaming.

I’ve got too much love for ghosts,
That I can’t give up,
That find me to remind me,
As soon as I start to feel better,
Even on your wedding day,
Hope burrows deeper,
Actions I refuse to take,
Messages I plot to send out into the universe,
Incase they reach you,
To teach you,
The lengths of my devotion,
To an empty ear,
I hate this place,
Inundated with memories.

I am coming home,
to a place in your arms,
wrapped snugly, safely,
I want so much to fall in love,
To find my line,
To follow it to my happiness,
I’ll always have bigger dreams,
To be everything,
I could settle with just having you,
distance is no restriction,
if we’re both willing,
our sinew is too strong to snap.

Watching the sun cast shadows,
Hibernating in my head,
This world is too vast to remain still,
All the places I could be,
Meeting all the people I could love,
But I am held,
fixed in position,
with this merciless exigency.

Mass update!
Here are heaps that I have left neglected.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am glad to see the moon tonight,
Hung high, alighting hope.

I claim that you are no longer under my skin,
But the falsity is wearing.

I can pretend to no end,
We were transient,
But my armour is lucent.

Your vision adjusted to my patina,
Resilient to my facetious comport.

I absorb everything.
I want what you share, that you refuse me.

Our ligation loosening,
wish you were a propeller.

I must polish my words.

I could exist solely for you,
So why is there this urgency to run?
Am I only frightened by the fall?
Or the wounds I’ll sustain at the end of it all?
I should trust my strength,
Open myself to possibility,
This feels different,
As scribed in the pages of fate,
And written in the stars,
How can one tell?
When the spell cast is blinding,
But you seem irrefutably sincere,
I sense the greatness in us.
Weighted in our discourse and
Ceaseless accolades.
have we inflamed the unknown?
Transpiring beyond our control?
The veracity lies in imminent times.

Saturate me with your delicacy,
I could have you this whole night through,
This splendor shared secretly,
An intimate exchange of enamour,
Patois passionné ingenuous.

Whence the sun sets,
I drink the light before night begets,
Dreaming to your tenor,
Beating thoughts in sync
our multitudinous strings,
recollecting the romance in rain,
your clairvoyance catching the lark in me,
transuding,
treading your toreutics.

10 minutes away,
from old age,
life is vastly different than I thought it would be,
I’m alive, I’m thriving,
What I mean to be,
All those things I imagined,
Aren’t so out of reach,
Could this feeling be suspended forever?
I’d hate for the shuffle to stir it,
Have it leap from my hands.

This distressing stagnancy,
I’ve let my mind distend with quixotic thoughts of you,
Make an art of articulating your adoration,
I’ll absorb it in any form,

I have been chasing reason,
Seems to run since meeting you,
Contented by your consistency,
Keep the compliments coming,
I’ll fall farther with you,
You will love me,
Deeper than any other,
Our kiss will make the world catch fire.

Hopelessly, desperately
I float, ascending to the stars,
Never so pure a brilliant feeling shone,
Blinding the rest,
Blotting out traces of dark,
We pour ourselves into novels exchanged,
Daily, consistent as dialogue,
Grounded so heavily, impossible to be exhumed.

Salivating with hunger for your subsequent epistle,
Infuse your message with affection,
Give me something to go on,
Verify my theory.
It’s too soon for me to be running up walls,
But the madness has reached my blood.
An immaculate correlation, never imagined as serene as it has been.
I am sickeningly smitten.

Is it the implausibility?
Addicted to your words,
Comfortable with the consistency,
Retraction would rupture me.
Shameful to admit your cavernous position.
You’ve generated this listless longing.
Starving me for more.

I’m waiting for you to come around,
Like it was before but I know the feelings intensified,
It seems you know just when I’m needing you most,
Always there to say the right things just when I’m losing hope,
Or when I start to lose interest,
Keeping me tied on,
No chance of escape,
I’m sick of taking your fair weather love
Whenever you call, asking me to,
How you lead me one way and leave,
I fill this void of yours while mine runs deeper,
Throw yourself into me and run after I react,
So I have to wait until you give me the go ahead,
Can’t we just coincide,
Collapse at the same time,
I’m only playing along to please you,
If you resurfaced at this moment,
You might catch me weakened,
I’m beckoning you,
Need you next to me,
I’m letting my barrier down,
Opening up to the idea,
Another night without you is torture,
It’s not fair to push me aside,
When you see me in this state.

When words disappear
I have nothing to say to you now,
You’re losing the only chance you’ll ever get,
You don’t seem worried,
So I’ll close this door I left ajar,
Kuz I can do better,
Perhaps you sense its loneliness,
Throwing rocks at your window,
All the shit I put up with doesn’t mean much to you,
If you don’t care then why should i?
You’d have to make this worth my wasted while,
It would take more effort than you’d care to impart,
So stay out of sight,
Let my anger settle,


After I kissed you,
I lost my place,
I guess you saw it coming,
But you didn’t try to stop me.

I’m leaving, leaving,
I won’t be honest and ruin you,
This uneasy situation,
You’ve been plowing me through,
His insolent maundering,
Making me the defect,
Always fault the father, unless he is you,
This obstinate presence,
We’re unable to exorcise.
You married an ignorant mendacious man,
He’s a tyranny I cannot obliterate,
Releasing disconcerting electrons,
You seem to overlook and grasp tightly to.
What compels you to stay?
To obey his manipulative coercion,
Speaking down to you.
With negated love and happiness,
Your guilt-ridden conscience
And trepidation rooted in your feet.

Make my heart pound,
Then my blood boil,
It’s push and pull,

An abrupt stop,
In this surge of feelings,

Why would you conceal,
What’s bound to be revealed?
Was I deceived? Did I misread?

Is there any purpose in supposition?
Or is this wasted time?

Intuition speaks candor,
My agonizing flummox echoes at volumes,
ears can’t detect.

Don’t shelve your stars,
Time will find you when you’re ready,
We’re all set to fall,
It never happens in anticipation,
I’ve wondered and waited too long,
I know it will catch me when my eyes are closed.

Don’t pack it in,
Give up just yet,
Fate works in mysterious ways,
Bide your time,
Instil faith,
you’re worth it,
Imbue joie de vivre,

I have learned a lesson,
Solitude bleeds you dry,
All you’ll find is sterility,

In opportune,
Your parapet appears.

You revived me,
Brought hope to light,
You turned a bad day bright,
Surprising me with your interest,
How can a distance be made shorter,
when there is an ocean in between?
The hours expired hastily,
Where can this liasion lead?
How can we stay connected?

Maybe you were sent as a sign,
But I’m hooked and I can’t quit relinquishing,
Revel in our insatiable conversation,
The ease in which you lifted me,
Rescuing me from obstacles too big to climb,
A magnificent mien,
I just drowned in,
The inexplicable chemical combustion,
That incited us.
I hope we meet again.

I don’t like these floating feelings,
Your embrace soaked with unattainable affection,
My perplexity,
Your determination to confound,
Where do I stand?
What character are you considering me for?
All these inclinations indicating,
The unfathomable,
I become a fixture,
In your unravelling,
But what unfastens you?
Silence falls between meetings,
I will see you by fates appointment.

Allowing thoughts to fester,
Emotions to sit unsettled,
If you’d ask, would I comply?
A friendship drunk on suffocated desire,
Or a deceiving smokescreen,
Commitment bound by love,
That you will not break,
Nor will you defend,
As you obscure my mind with ambiguity.

Removed myself from memory’s way,
All the sites we sunk into,

I’ve pushed all my emotions to the farthest reaches,
Stronger without knowing of your existence,

But at the mention of your name,
I falter, I fold,

Aware of how little I can do,
To reach you,

Like a spell that I’ve been put under,
Enduring only for you.

Just another,
Wind your words around me,
Stretch your feelings and deceive with your inaction,
Have I become just a pawn?
Falling into a trap, taking a number while I wait in line,
For a dial tone, for disappointment,
Made to believe fate had a hand,
This fictive fairytale,
Is the error out of contrivance?
Finger reflected back at me,
A covetous defect,
Too long derelict,
Veiled neatly,
Staged impermeableness,
Are you buying my performance?
I’d like your attention please.

Play me like a fiddle,
I’ve been a fool,
Trying to mould myself for you,
Arguing with my intentions,
Filling my head with sexy scenarios,
Believing that you want what’s underneath,
Not a fingerprint to convict,
You reach right in,
I omit my precept to feel the thrill,
Initially a repugnant rival,
Now rescinded and penchant requited
Confusing you with a proclivity of distaste.
Inculcate my improper translations,
Bury the vacillation.

Time to update this ancient blog!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Removed myself from memory’s way,
All the sites we sunk into,

I’ve pushed all my emotions to the farthest reaches,
Stronger without knowing of your existence,

But at the mention of your name,
I falter, I fold,

Aware of how little I can do,
To reach you,

Like a spell that I’ve been put under,
Enduring only for you.

I’d like to see you wither and shaking,
Strip it off, strip it down,
Show me your bones,
What lies underneath is what keeps me intrigued,

Cancel your hesitation,
Deepening exhalation,
Surround the night with your sound,

Swept by the sight of your skin rising,
Chided if it pleases,
Rousing receptors once dormant,
This complacent communication,
Implicit reverence,

Foretasted it,
Consecrated in the dark,
Before you knew,
Redolent of my minds desires,
Impetuous succession
In our venery,
Adumbrate in your advance,
Rapturous perpetuity.

Sick, sick, I’ve been lovesick too long,
I just need to be discouraged,
I don’t want to hear it.
Press on please,
Can’t let me to linger,
I won’t leave,
Stability is shaken,
Won’t return to that solid place,
I stopped breathing for a minute,
Quicken the pace,
Alarming light bulb, I keep turning off,
Don’t illuminate the truth,
My ears only hear proof to plead my case,
Guilty of never giving up,
Hope that can’t be stamped out,
A cry implacable,
Waiting for my hearts funeral.
You were the laudanum, the lullaby.

Two completely separate bits...

I feel like a bird that you can’t catch,
But you can’t be caught either,
I’ve had my hands on your wings, but you always shake them free.
Tired of being close, walking away empty handed.
You deceive me with your compliments.
Another face appears in the place I thought I’d be.
Her words are mine verbatim,
Do you disappoint her in the same way?

~*~


You’re a harlot, a harbinger of deceit,
Anxious to prove your love is above mine,
But you just proved you’re easy and cheap,
Your head is polluted, as is your taste,
Narcissistic, eager to right the indignation of attention not centered around you.
Karma is a killer,
You’re lighting the kerosene,

Have I solved the equasion,
how to love without pain?
Is there such a thing?
I’m veering much too close,
Past the point of no return,
No resuscitating,
I want to free fall,
Find you at the bottom,
Softly land in a pool of you,
Years of mind splitting confusion,
Led me here somehow,
The universe has a reason,
I’ll keep following fate,
With an open heart,
It wasn’t easy to be susceptible,
To the inexplicable,
Believing is receiving,
And I asked for you,
Afraid of expiration,
I procure the nerve I need,
To pursue without reticence.

Too haste to pass judgment,
I am enamored by your reverence,
Startled by your evolution since my abhorrence,
Your reference to marriage is so trivial,
But do you mean it?
Sincerity seems certain, as it never had
You softly say you’ll miss me,
As I engage in actions I repudiated,
Winter romance is creeping in,
My heart holds no resistance,
I wish I could love with no restraint,
Without fear of having it taken,
The little trust I have left,
I’m afraid to invest in you,
Promises are easily made,
When there’s no time to be followed through,
I will leave believing you.

I’ll wish you into submission,
I’m fishing for effective bait,
Your hook is a slippery slope
And I can’t seem to climb it,
You’ve got me tangled in tension
With no outlet for release,
Couldn’t you follow through just once,
Risk the fall and lose it all,
Create something warm and beautiful,
What sends you into suppression?
I can’t believe it’s me,
Preventing the unraveling,
Sweet dreams of all the things you hide from me,
The only allowance from your lips,
Left with strictly fantasies,
Of the lacking you lead me to,
You spoke words of ready,
But I’m still counting unfulfilled promises.

I don’t want to be this solo project,
But unfulfilled simple requests will not grant you safe passage to where you want to be,
I can’t accept falsified lines or counterfeit sincerity.

What I need cannot be fabricated.
Something true, unwarranted and wanton,
No hesitation and boundless.

I’m starting to lose hope,
This underlying brevity,
You drain the light with your deflating demeanor,
From the girl who holds the yarn you seek,
You will not get one inch from me,
Please don’t play coy, it never suited you.

I’ve been wandering lost for some time,
You help me feel grounded,
but I have to learn to steady myself.
I felt I couldn’t get on without your unconditional ardor,
I lay in the arms of lies for so long
And found no comfort there.
There isn’t a visible boundary guiding my way.
Where are the words to help keep me strong?
Some intentions driven by sincerity.
Only the liars love me.
Seeking a soft heart.
A profligate in the past,
Now the well has run dry.
I feel the libertine incarnated.
Thirsty and lachrymose.

We live and love and breathe,
Without feeling,
Sometimes the world grows still,
And I can’t wait to hear a scream,
Just an inkling of happening,
I can’t close my eyes until movement’s made,
I’d rather drown than float endlessly,
Please don’t walk out and not look back,
While I keep waiting to hear your body hesitating,
this plateau is suffocating,
send some motion my way,
nothing I haven’t cried about,
how many times do I have to change,
before life becomes okay and I can stay in one place,
I’ve been leaving it all behind each time it finds my safe haven,
I keep my feet on the pavement,

I live alone between these walls,
With barely enough space to breathe,
I can't keep up to meet demands,
It wasn't a part of the plan,
But I can't say no, I don't want to be alone,
Only until the morning burns my sight,
It's the wrong kind of love I'm asking for,
emulating the rush I used to feel,
they want the charade, my drug of praise,
a service I can't refuse,
with arms outstretched,
meandering in and out,
as you please,
lover of the lost ones,
unbound and buttoned-up,
unable to provide when pushed for more.

I think every poem should be paired with some sort of visual.

It’s been a long time since your face found a home in my head,
Reading into old words you had written,
A sweet November, you remembered me,
Letters laced with star-crossed love,
Keeping the idea of you close to the furnace,
Welcoming you back with an inviting light,
Don’t make me wake without you another night,

TIME FOR AN UPDATE!!!

I have neglected the poetry since before my European trip and now that i'm back I have just been focusing all my energy and thoughts on moving to London in the fall. I've been a giant emanating ball of nerves since I realized the painstaking process of becoming an international student. However it all seems to be falling into place and I feel confident saying that in nearly 4 months I will be a student at Central Saint Martins, Uni of the Arts London!!!!!

Today was an exciting and inspiring day. I visited with my mum, brothers and sister-in-law and was able to feel my little nephew kicking! I can't wait until he arrives in 10 weeks.

Later, I was checking my favourite graphic artist, Silja Goetz's website for new work and realized how badly I yearned for the perfection in her sketches. My talent for drawing rests at about the level of a 6 year old. Perplexed by this matter, and the fact I was enrolled in an arts Uni, I felt there was no better way to refine my capacity than to practice. So I had a go at drawing and seem to be improving drastically! What do you think? Is there any hope for me?

(See above: Right page = the two year old scribbles that were the previous extent of my abilities. Left page = my current level of capabilities).

the future is not a dead end,
what i deemed dead survives,
but to actually persist,
this is where the trouble lays,
inadvertently misled,
maybe you're the one exception,
seize this sailing ship down solitary seas,
toast our union, initiate it's foundation,
i will tend to it's preservation,
and pacify it's appetite.
should I ally with time?
to await your approaching arms,
this day, a dream long ago deceased,
shall i revive or let you breathe it back to life?

sick of this, you sauntering in,
speaking through a swollen ego, masking your insecurities,
thinking you can reach me,
i'm waiting til you're neck deep,
drown in your ill-intentions,
fated to fall, believing you're fortunate enough to be forgiven,
flashing yellowed teeth,
not if you're honing in on me,
you've been circling around me,
like a hungry hawk,
since i've resisted your advances,
feigning interest to knock you over,
injecting madness in my method,
hooked like a baited fish,
following promising words down a blackened tunnel,
just to watch the way my mouth moves.

Here you come bounding back,
Ready to attack just when the air fills my lungs,
I suppressed those bitter feelings for so long,
Now you feel the free in me,
Refuse to let the wild possess again,
Rope my neck and wind me in slowly,
You missed a beat, you’re a moment too late,
I taste the sour your skin has turned,
Life is better living as your lover in past tense
Owing me a fortune in favors,
It will take more than your arms length to feel my heart’s safe with you.

What I say is not what I mean,
Surprise,
I’m just as deceptive as you,
Only with a less devilish smile,

Even if I’m too weak to say no,
When you leave my heart hasn’t broken,
Maybe I’m getting used to this pattern,

Every meeting is brand new,
And just as fleeting,
Silence plays a bigger role,
Once time has dwindled,
It feels like September,

I waited to discover brilliance undressed,
instead found you empty underneath.

Alas we reached this point I’ve anticipated,
And while I prepared myself for the gloomy descent,
There is still a bitter sting,
but I won’t cry,
An outside perception clouds my head, I delude myself,
What a harsh reality I awake to find,
No matter what you feel one moment,
It never transfers onto the next,
I wouldn’t take back what’s progressed,
I wish I could bind my hands to keep them from finding you,
All your limits and boundaries are invisible wires I trip upon,
I just want this to be over,
To feel I’ve had my fix of you,
More than enough and never want it again,
I’ve got this image in my mind that I can’t shake,
A merciless body,
Laying beside me at night,
It’s no comfort to me now,
Only a reminder that I can’t quit,
I’ll write your life the way I watched you live it,
Repressed, masking sensitivities with conceit,
It made me sick in need,
What’s wrong with me to fall for such lamented charm.
And yearn for it as soon as the memory of malice fades.

flashes of forbidden moments,
the ones we longed for,
a night that seemed too short,
but worth waiting for,
wished for again,
I know who you are now,
With a twisted vision of you in your head,
You can’t see the good,
The lines my fingers love to trace,
Loathing yourself doesn’t leave room for anyone else,
what we both don’t want, you won’t let me forget,
when I try to break the boundary,
is this a service? a way to spare me?

You can retreat all you want,
Shield yourself from me,
I could be armed and loaded,
Taking aim.
What do you fear the most?
The run of my emotions or asking of your own?
There will be no exchange of reprimandments,
I know better than to unleash these racing feelings,
As uncertain as I am, your ego convinced of my unwavering affections.
Lies that I allow you to believe.

Are you proud to say you’ve guided my transgression?
I can’t feel a thing.
I don’t even ache knowing I’ll never see your face,
Maybe that’s your purpose,
Will this anesthetic last?
I’m using you to destroy myself.

The man with the crooked mouth,
Mesmerized by it’s movement,
And his clear eyes,
Shifting calmly but with artful suspicion,
Sustains mystery, shy away from the probing eye,
Something so unique and incendiary,
Impossible to withdraw from watching,
Often a figure in my dreams,
He imbues me,
Permeated by his emanated longing.

Coiled around your shadow,
I cannot reach inside you,
You refuse to give me a glimpse of what you hide,
Slow and deliberate,
I am circling you,
Imagining you with me,
And the bliss we’d rouse,
It’s a sickening thought,
To become those we deride,
You bonafide acerbity
Sometimes I see your affection,
appear and fade before you notice that I’ve caught on,
a faint light, but still burning behind two windows,
evolving, not fast enough to include me,
being your placate playmate,
leaves this abyss you forget to inject with your empathy,
my importunate pleas aggravate your response to me.
The part that hurts the worst is why you cut me off so suddenly,
I swear I want you as you are.

Every minute you are remembered,
I see your name and know you’re breathing,
My eyes are fighting tears,
My heart races faster,
You’ve become this chimera,
A constant thought impossible to abandon,
I wrote my love for you,
I’m still waiting,
Even just the acknowledgement of words swallowed,
Will lay my mind to rest,
Somehow I’ve been running without blood in my veins,
You took it all away,
I hate the numbness I’ve befriended
after years of missing you,
you were my extension, the part that encapsulated vivacity,
I simply decay at the slightest association,
I can’t keep myself intact.
I wish it were your arms collecting the fragments that once reified me.

You had me when I ran with fire in my eyes,
The wind could never slow me,
Too wild to be tamed,
Too ignorant to be aware of the world,
There must be better out there,
I never second guessed my choices,
Reality was much harsher than expected,
I never lost anything of value,
Not until I realized what I found in you,
Couldn’t handle complacency,
Never felt I deserved the euphoria I held,
Instead of loving you like I should have,
I turned you away.
Mourning the death of our affinity,
Nothing rests comfortably,
With this part of me absent.

This will pass,
i’m concealing apologies,
that want to find you,
but it’s your sorries I’m not expecting,
you know how hard it’s been,
for me to sit and wonder,
since you’re withholding validation,
what’s the point in hanging hope on a baitless hook,
in an empty sea,
watching my words incase I trespass your safe grounds,
taboo topics I transgress upon,
and you take them like a witness to a murder,
no one plays the arcane contrivance better than you.
I’ve tried but you’ve uncovered every entry.

Don’t make me a damsel,
Slippery imputations slithering between painted lips,
Stop rendering me helpless,
No more deliberate misconceptions,
Just to draw attention to the worst in me,
Your restrictions are exhausting,
I shouldn’t have to defend myself against your fiction,
You’ve never been on my side.

Almost forgot your existence,
Accepted the idea our paths weren’t meant to join,
But your beautiful face resurfaced in a place I didn’t expect,
My mind keeps rehashing the evening,
Searching for indications,
That my hopes might have motive to soar,
The first to strike my interest,
While the others are amenable,
You’re the latest enigma,
I can’t resist unraveling,
Fraying from the inside,
My credence deteriorated as your mouth moved,
Curiosity’s affliction,
What feelings arise when I appear in your mind?
While I’m wishing you oblige,
will resolve terminate the allure?
I'd rather be apprised.

Another heedless mouth,
When will I meet the last time-waster?
Are we so desperate, we’ll lay fueled by intoxication?
I’m always the one caught in crossfire,
Naïve to believe a chance might be worth taking,
Romance is deliberative plea,
To those with broken egos/to the pitiful egotist in need.
They’re all vampires.
It’s a shame how disillusioned I’ve become,
I feel nothing when the anesthetized elucidation arrives,
Is it wrong to wait for the archaic concept of fervor to return?
I’ll quit liaising with the same syndication.

I hit the trigger to turn your toxicity on,
Where in the night did I find it?
The first could be no mistake,
If I found myself in your arms twice
Finally released, I felt at ease enough to be me,
You seemed pleased until the light licked your window.
What wore off in two hours time?
Grant me mercy, toss me a clue,
What instantaneously changed you?
From entertaining my lips to recovering from the blade of your sharp-edged tongue.
You held me tightly,
but I awoke shivering from your imprudence.
Were there words that displeased you?
As soon as I allowed myself to let you in,
you morphed into this monster.
It’s the unwarranted actions that bruise me,
I can’t forget the way it felt to be pressed against you,
There are no breaks,
only loss after loss for nice girls like me.

i'm not one to disguise my feelings,
I could tell in your tone,
it hung heavy in the air,
I left my mind on your lips,
unaware of anything but your touch,
and being ajoined by legs locked together,
last night,
my mind can't stop meandering back,
I couldn't stay for fear of where my hands would lead me,
i'm wishing to prolong the moment and our mingling heat,
in my head i'm crawling underneath your covers and your comforting arm,
every melody becomes our rhythm
and the rise before I crash into you,
i'll keep your kiss with me,
until the urgency strikes us again.

how many are you going to go through,
before you cease licking my plate clean?
when this comes full circle,
you'll be wishing you played your hand differently,
I should pass you my book of numbers,
so you can finish what unwritten law you've broken,
you know how to suffocate a dying song,
show me some remorse,
i'm not the forgiving kind,
I keep all your faithless actions,
locked in my memory,
it's a lucid fact that you're not changing,
latch on to your own dreams,
stop tracing where my steps have been,
to prove you're good enough to have what once was mine,
fill your pockets with my past,
take all you can carry,
you'll never be better than second best.

Coming in waves of twos,
Still I never manage to win,
It’s the wayward ones that find me,
I’m sleeping with a satisfied smile,
But it always fades too soon,

I do this to myself,
Becoming inured to,
This sort of assiduous self-torture,
Every admonition is ignored,
While I’m aware you’re whoring yourself out,
I long to be the solitary,
I feel like a waste,
Filling my head with obstinacy,
And your ascetic prophesy,
I was certain of your quiet covet,
But I am the one you return to,
After all the damage has transpired.
Use me when you’re low,
Just to get back on your feet,
Leave me, until there is no one else.

Beneficial mendacity sustains my resilience,
and my will to adore you still.

Those spiteful words,
They keep jumping around in my head,
I hate what you have instilled in me,
Destroyed my self worth,
Held my head high with knowing,
What I may have meant,
But you broke that vision,
Of all the grand things I could be,
I can’t be sure, you refuse to clarify,
Only set to mystify,
I never get a glimpse to go on,
All those hints you hide in your sarcastic strides,
Why is it so impossible for you to open up,
When you know I’ve never been anything but here for you,
And near for you,
To steer you away from the dark that steals you,
I give every ounce of strength to try and heal you,
But I’m never thanked.
I must dissuade myself from feelings I believed I held for you,
Chock it up to fabrication,
I lay all the blame on you.

My fragmented mind,
A calming obsolesce,
Your presence, once dispersive, I have outgrown
I am renascent without the love of another,
A perfectly timed chasm

Your excuses are so docile and effortless,
All your stories have no ends,
I can’t agree you’ve outsmarted me,
I’ve finally learned not to let you,
I wasn’t dumb, just full of compassion,

It’s hard to detach myself from you,
You’ve been an underlying force in my life,
But this is history now, let’s leave the dust in the pages,
The benevolence, I dropped my own engagements to provide for you,

the adulation I spit to please you,
your unrequited appreciation shamed my benign,
after allowing your hands to reconstruct me,
I felt like a prisoner in the war to amplify you,
Am I the artist to this disaster?

The more I cling to what we have left,
The more eager you are to run,

My body’s ambulant,
But my heart’s held by inertia,
While your eyes were occupied I found a wall to fit between us.

Finally I wrote something!!

Here I lay my armor for you,
Bare my shoulders and brave the cold,
To renege awaiting your embrace,
A subrogation,
I’ll linger years and cling to passing planets,
If gravity defies me.
I’ll attest its purity, if you shed the blinding light of truth.
Precariously prevailed to exalt you where I deemed deserved,
Set to enisle, if you weren’t so enmeshed,
Happy where you can remain, surrounded by stillness,
That which I cannot grant,
Though I am subsisting somehow,
I am fragile in my futility,
This, my final valediction,
I prepare my heart for a hard departure,
From one that I loved so methodically,
I will not feign our fate as auspicious.

Wake me when you remember,
My arms are still outstretched,
Are you ignoring what sits before you?
A letter that embodies me,
If you can’t see me than I can’t be real,
As long as you can keep me a dream,
I’ve got these feet that won’t fail me,
And a love that I can’t pacify,
Even when I’ve caught the obvious,
You avoid the argument,

I am holding my breath for word from you,
Everything I hear sounds like you’re content with your life,
But whose stories are right?
Are things as happy on the inside?
The only man with steady hands,
Who embraced my passion and my pain,
I can’t turn my back these days,
You don’t know how much you’ve enriched me,

I lost the scent of you,
It’s all I had to cling to,
Now the rest is just slipping away.

This is what I’ve been longing for,
The moment you resurface,
With an invitation to respond,
But in what context are you reaching out to me?
I’m regretting everything I said,
How forceful it seems,
What’s better, you knowing? or leaving this unspoken?
I’m not delusional, I understand there is no chance for me,
How can I love you without saying,
It’s hard to be so vulnerable,
Maybe you’re a different person,
But I love who you used to be,
I can keep my secret dreams,
While I’m waiting for you to learn,
All the things that have been burning inside of me,
I can’t waste any opportunity to taste,
The beauty we once achieved.
Just one night,
To belong in your arms,
To share feelings swelling,
to express without speaking,
the adulation thats escaped these lips,